Tag: CagePotato ban

CagePotato Ban: Fighters Being *Too* Honest About Their Sketchy Pasts


(Pictured above: The exception to the rule.)

There isn’t a human being among us who doesn’t have some skeletons in their closet. As a species, we are often genetically predisposed to mental disease, addiction, and all kinds of abnormal behavior. When combined with the meat grinder that is everyday life in the public eye, it is only a matter of time before some of these skeletons, these abnormal tendencies, are uncovered for the world to see and later criticize from our two most prestigious ivory towers, Hindsight and Judgement.

And while there are plenty of combat sports competitors who were raised under “normal” circumstances in a “normal” household, who went on to become poster boys for the “normalness” of their organizations/sports and so on, there are just as many fighters who came from nothing, and when faced with the overwhelming eye of the public, allowed these abnormal tendencies to be placed center stage and eventually destroy them.

One such fighter is Mike Tyson, who after rising to the highest ranks of the boxing world some thirty years ago, saw his fame, fortune, and fanbase crumble beneath the weight of drug addiction and scandal. Nowadays, a wiser, gentler Tyson has emerged, unabashedly sharing the most intimate details of his past in an effort to both restore his shattered reputation and warn young fighters of the potential dangers they could face down the line.

The problem is, “Iron Mike” is being a little *too* candid as of late. Join us after the jump to see what we mean.


(Pictured above: The exception to the rule.)

There isn’t a human being among us who doesn’t have some skeletons in their closet. As a species, we are often genetically predisposed to mental disease, addiction, and all kinds of abnormal behavior. When combined with the meat grinder that is everyday life in the public eye, it is only a matter of time before some of these skeletons, these abnormal tendencies, are uncovered for the world to see and later criticize from our two most prestigious ivory towers, Hindsight and Judgement.

And while there are plenty of combat sports competitors who were raised under “normal” circumstances in a “normal” household, who went on to become poster boys for the “normalness” of their organizations/sports and so on, there are just as many fighters who came from nothing, and when faced with the overwhelming eye of the public, allowed these abnormal tendencies to be placed center stage and eventually destroy them.

One such fighter is Mike Tyson, who after rising to the highest ranks of the boxing world some thirty years ago, saw his fame, fortune, and fanbase crumble beneath the weight of drug addiction and scandal. Nowadays, a wiser, gentler Tyson has emerged, unabashedly sharing the most intimate details of his past in an effort to both restore his shattered reputation and warn young fighters of the potential dangers they could face down the line.

The problem is, “Iron Mike” is being a little *too* candid as of late.

While we’ve heard Tyson admit to being “a vicious alcoholic on the verge of death” in recent months, the former boxing great’s memoir, Undisputed Truth, hit stands earlier today and Jesus tittyfucking Christ is it revealing. Uncomfortably so. The Sydney Morning Herald passes along a few revelations:

“I was a full-blown cokehead,” Tyson says in Undisputed Truth, published today (Wednesday). Recalling his shock 2004 loss to Britain’s Danny Williams, he reveals he was taking drugs until shortly before the fight.

He says that he was high before taking to the ring for a match against Lou Savarese in Glasgow in June 2000 – and came up with an ingenious method to prevent detection by the sport’s official testers.

Confessing that he had taken “blow” and “pot” before the bout, he says: “I had to use my whizzer, which was a fake penis where you put in someone’s clean urine to pass your drug test”. He blamed a $200,000 fine for testing positive for marijuana after a 2000 fight against Andrew Golota in Detroit on the fact that he was tested before having a chance to get the ‘whizzer’ from a member of his team, whom he claims typically carried the device from fight to fight.

Tyson explains that he had taken cocaine before a notorious televised press conference with Lennox Lewis in New York in January 2002, which descended into an onstage brawl between the rival camps. “I lost my mind,” Tyson recalls. “I looked over at him and wanted to hit the mother——.” As the pair of heavyweights tussled, Tyson bit Lewis’s leg.

We understand that these revelations will likely make Tyson even more endearing to his legion of fans, but at the same time, it’s sad to see that these horror stories are all that a boxing legend and former millionaire has left to sell. Tyson’s reading like a humble, self-deprecating version of Jose Canseco these days, to the point that it’s challenging our already warped perception of him as an individual and the sport of boxing in general.

The truly scary thing is, Tyson’s story is one that a fair share of MMA fighters can probably relate to. Sure, “Iron Mike” probably lies on the extreme end of the spectrum in most cases, but we’ve heard everyone from Kendall Grove to Drew Fickett share similar tales of fighting under the influence, and God only knows what treats we’ll be in for when Mayhem Miller publishes an autobiography from Death Row in 2015. It’s not that we don’t appreciate honesty, it’s just that maybe some fighters should first consider how their crazy stories could impact the MMA community as a whole before recounting them to every interviewer who will listen.

Despite how far our beloved sport has come in recent years, even the President of the UFC will tell you that MMA is “just not mainstream yet.” We’re still fighting for credibility, for people to take us seriously. And with organizations like The Culinary Union latching onto every fighter with a somewhat troublesome past in an attempt to discredit the sport and/or keep it banned in certain states, the last thing we need is a bunch of “professionals” bragging about how unprofessional and incompetent the system can be at times. And believe me, it really can be incompetent, but so is any major organization/sport/business in its infant years.

The point is, this CagePotato Ban is a preemptive strike, a warning if you will. Please, you guys, learn from Tyson’s mistakes and maybe keep that story about “needing weed to avoid beating your wife and kids” to yourself.

And for the love of God, just stay off Twitter.

–J. Jones

CagePotato Ban: Anything to Do With the Bickering Between Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz


(Nope. Nothing to see here. Everyone just move along. Photo via Iamflashdance.) 

If following loosely MMA-related minor celebrities on Twitter is your thing, there’s a chance that you have already seen Jenna Jameson‘s latest tirade against Tito Ortiz last night. That’s right, the couple known for their crazy, attention-seeking behavior decided to air their dirty laundry on Twitter, and it was just as outrageous and pathetic as you’d expect it to be.

There’s no way I’m covering every tweet from this disaster, so here’s the short version: Jenna accused Tito of taking her children, cheating his drug tests with the UFC and almost killing her in February. As “proof” that Tito Ortiz is a raging drug addict, Jenna tweeted a picture of a drawer that she claimed belonged to Ortiz — which contained a few syringes and a bottle of Ibuprofen — and a picture of the Diet Cokes in her fridge with some prescription bottles above them. Tito responded to MMAJunkie.com by essentially saying “think of the goddamn children” before blaming her for all those losses at the end of his career.

Of course I’m not joking about that last statement. Tito Ortiz said that Jenna Jameson’s erratic behavior distracted him before the fights he lost at the end of his career; presumably because even he has finally realized how pathetic of an excuse “I totally had a cracked skull, you guys” is.

This may be more of a precautionary measure than anything else — who knows if Jenna Jameson will actually come forward with a story about Tito Ortiz almost killing her — but it’s right about now that I think we need to revisit a defunct CagePotato Ban from the days when Ortiz was a free agent claiming to be “very close” to signing with a new promotion every other day:


(Nope. Nothing to see here. Everyone just move along. Photo via Iamflashdance.) 

If following loosely MMA-related minor celebrities on Twitter is your thing, there’s a chance that you have already seen Jenna Jameson‘s latest tirade against Tito Ortiz last night. That’s right, the couple known for their crazy, attention-seeking behavior decided to air their dirty laundry on Twitter, and it was just as outrageous and pathetic as you’d expect it to be.

There’s no way I’m covering every tweet from this disaster, so here’s the short version: Jenna accused Tito of taking her children, cheating his drug tests with the UFC and almost killing her in February. As “proof” that Tito Ortiz is a raging drug addict, Jenna tweeted a picture of a drawer that she claimed belonged to Ortiz — which contained a few syringes and a bottle of Ibuprofen — and a picture of the Diet Cokes in her fridge with some prescription bottles above them. Tito responded to MMAJunkie.com by essentially saying “think of the goddamn children” before blaming her for all those losses at the end of his career.

Of course I’m not joking about that last statement. Tito Ortiz said that Jenna Jameson’s erratic behavior distracted him before the fights he lost at the end of his career; presumably because even he has finally realized how pathetic of an excuse “I totally had a cracked skull, you guys” is.

This may be more of a precautionary measure than anything else — who knows if Jenna Jameson will actually come forward with a story about Tito Ortiz almost killing her — but it’s right about now that I think we need to revisit a defunct CagePotato Ban from the days when Ortiz was a free agent claiming to be “very close” to signing with a new promotion every other day:

Well, that settles that. Tito, you have fooled us for the last time. Just as E! banned Speidi, CagePotato will now enact a news ban on Tito Ortiz until he actually does something newsworthy. Seriously. Even if it’s the slowest of slow news days, and the only story going around is that Tito is “very close” to signing a deal with DREAM to participate in their “Super Douchebag Tournament,” we won’t cover it until it actually happens. That’s our promise to you.

Except this time, we’ll strictly bring it back for the Tito vs. Jenna feud. As a UFC Hall of Famer and Cris Cyborg’s manager, Ortiz doesn’t deserve to be banned from this site. But unless one of them either gets arrested or brings the other to court, we’ll leave their tabloid relationship drama to the experts on that sort of thing.

@SethFalvo

CagePotato Ban: MMA Fighters Announcing Their Retirement, Then Immediately Unretiring


(Okay, okay,okay, *you* can do whatever you want, Aleks. Just stop looking at us like that.) 

Earlier today, it was announced that former PRIDE star and perpetual blue-balled can crusher, Aleksander Emelianenko, had signed a multi-fight deal with the Russian organization ProFC. Which would be fine, had Emelianenko not announced his retirement from the sport three months earlier after being shitcanned by M-1 Global. Many of you are probably wondering why we are wasting our time poking fun at a long-since relevant Emelianenko brother when we could be, I dunno, predicting who is most likely to test positive for quaaludes at UFC 159, but Aleks’ recent revelation highlights a growing problem amongst MMA fighters: understanding what the term “retirement” is supposed to mean.

Look, we get it. Everyone from Michael Jordan to Muhammad Ali have announced their retirement from their respective sports in the past, only to recant shortly thereafter. It’s understandable to a degree, especially in the fight game. A guy suffers a couple tough losses, begins to fear for his own health, and decides that it is in his best interest — as well as his family’s — to call it a career before he suffers an injury he cannot come back from. Then, after adjusting to the stale, mundane existence that constitutes the lives of most non-fighters, he begins to convince himself that he’s always had “it,” but has just been held back by issues in his training camp, at home, in their own mind etc. — issues which are now completely behind him. If only it were that simple.


(Okay, okay,okay, *you* can do whatever you want, Aleks. Just stop looking at us like that.) 

Earlier today, it was announced that former PRIDE star and perpetual blue-balled can crusher, Aleksander Emelianenko, had signed a multi-fight deal with the Russian organization ProFC. Which would be fine, had Emelianenko not announced his retirement from the sport three months earlier after being shitcanned by M-1 Global. Many of you are probably wondering why we are wasting our time poking fun at a long-since relevant Emelianenko brother when we could be, I dunno, predicting who is most likely to test positive for quaaludes at UFC 159, but Aleks’ recent revelation highlights a growing problem amongst MMA fighters: understanding what the term “retirement” is supposed to mean.

Look, we get it. Everyone from Michael Jordan to Muhammad Ali have announced their retirement from their respective sports in the past, only to recant shortly thereafter. It’s understandable to a degree, especially in the fight game. A guy suffers a couple tough losses, begins to fear for his own health, and decides that it is in his best interest — as well as his family’s — to call it a career before he suffers an injury he cannot come back from. Then, after adjusting to the stale, mundane existence that constitutes the lives of most non-fighters, he begins to convince himself that he’s always had “it,” but has just been held back by issues in his training camp, at home, in their own mind etc. — issues which are now completely behind him. If only it were that simple.

But in the past year or so, we’ve seen Matt Hamill, BJ Penn, Nick Diaz (twice, sort of), and both Emelianenko brothers to name a few pull this kind of move, only to tease at coming out of retirement or just plain unretire before most of the MMA world ever realized they were gone. The problem is not that these fighters are merely invalidating our much loved “And Now He’s Retired” articles, or that they are cheapening the term “retirement” in doing so. The problem is that, when these fighters decide to return to world of professional fighting, they often do so at the cost of not only their own health, but to that of the “legacy” they left behind. And aside from being disheartening from a fan’s perspective, it is also quite infuriating, like if Bruce Wayne/Batman was declared dead by Gotham, only to pop up in some Italian cafe a week later without anyone noticing or being able to make the Goddamn connection. Seriously, fuck The Dark Knight Rises.

For examples of this (not TDKR being an overrated, plothole-filled mess; you can find those examples here), look no further than Hamill, who hung up his gloves following a pair of hard losses to Quinton Jackson and Alexander Gustafsson in 2011. While we were sad to see him go, most of us probably didn’t lose any sleep debating whether or not Hamill might have called it quits a little early. Barring some insane turnaround, it appeared as if Hamill (along with most of us), realized that he had gone as far as he could go in MMA and had nothing left to prove.

But out of nowhere, Hamill announced last August that he would be returning to the UFC at UFC 152, where he would be taking on Roger Hollett Vladimir Matyushenko Bellator veteran Roger Hollett. Hamill hit all the familiar notes, stating that his hasty retirement was the result of various lingering injuries and that we would see a whole new version of “The Hammer” come September 22nd. Only when September 22nd came, we were treated to an even more sluggish, seemingly apathetic version of Hamill than we had ever seen before. One that completely gassed inside of two rounds. One that was only able to claim victory due to the fact that his opponent was fighting on short notice and had even less gas in his tank. If Hamill was trying to prove that he could still throw down at the highest level, well, we’re not exactly sure he succeeded.

And while Jamie Varner has enjoyed moderate success since returning to the sport, his story is essentially the exception that proves the rule. Don’t even get us started on Penn…

Look, we’re not asking fighters to stay retired if they truly believe they can still hang with the best, for where would guys like Mark Hunt, Matt Brown, or Demian Maia be with that kind of defeatist mentality? All we’re asking is that they stop going out of their way to announce their retirement from the sport when all they really want is an extended vacation. It’s like when the lamestream media spent half a year covering a Kardashian wedding that fell apart in less time than a game of Jenga in a crack den (I’m also upset that Kim totally re-gifted that bread machine I gave her, but that’s another story entirely…).

In short, retirement is something that is not meant to be decided in the immediate wake of a loss, or over a few too many drinks with friends. In MMA, retirement signifies a fighter’s coming to grasp with the fact that they are only putting themselves in more danger by continuing on. It’s supposed to be a permanent decision — an admission of defeat, if you will — that should not be inherently intertwined with that of failure, but that should require more thought than it has in the world of MMA as of late. Call it a hiatus, call it a vacation, call it whatever you want, just stop pulling the bait-n-switch on us fans with this “retirement” nonsense.

In short, when you do decide to finally hang ‘em up, MMA fighters of past, present, and future who might be reading this, just remember that the decision is meant to be final.

–J. Jones

CagePotato Ban: Anderson Silva’s Managers Being Allowed to Speak in Public

The last time we saw Anderson Silva’s manager Ed Soares, he was telling Inside MMA — with a straight face! — that Michael Bisping would be a good option for Silva’s next middleweight title defense. After all, it’s Soares’s job to help his client get big fights that the fans want to see. (His response when Bas Rutten suggested that Anderson fight UFC light-heavyweight champion Jon Jones: “AhhhhhhIdunno.”)

So now that Bisping has fallen short in yet another “win this one and you get a title shot” match, Soares finally has to accept the reality that Chris Weidman is the most worthy contender to Silva’s crown, right? Right? RIGHT? Well, if you believe that, then you simply don’t know the enigma that is Ed Soares. He’s got another Plan B in mind, and it’s about as left-field as matchmaking gets. Here’s what he told CageFanatic in an interview last week, as transcribed by MMAMania:

“(Silva’s next fight) is still up in the air man, we don’t know who that is. Unfortunately Bisping lost which was a big thing but I’m not too sure. I’m not too sure who could be next…we want to fight someone who has a little bit of a name, someone that has as big of a name as possible and that’s on a winning record or a winning run right now. Right now it seems like most of the guys with names have had losses very recently. So, when I think about it, like the only thing that comes to mind and I don’t even know if that would be a possible fight is, you know, like Cung Le is coming off of three wins or something like that [Ed. note: Yeah, or something like that.] where he’s got a little bit of a name, but I mean it’s really hard in that division because it’s so evenly matched all the opponents on any given day one of those guys can beat each other, so you know, once again whoever the UFC decided we’re in…

The last time we saw Anderson Silva’s manager Ed Soares, he was telling Inside MMA — with a straight face! — that Michael Bisping would be a good option for Silva’s next middleweight title defense. After all, it’s Soares’s job to help his client get big fights that the fans want to see. (His response when Bas Rutten suggested that Anderson fight UFC light-heavyweight champion Jon Jones: “AhhhhhhIdunno.”)

So now that Bisping has fallen short in yet another “win this one and you get a title shot” match, Soares finally has to accept the reality that Chris Weidman is the most worthy contender to Silva’s crown, right? Right? RIGHT? Well, if you believe that, then you simply don’t know the enigma that is Ed Soares. He’s got another Plan B in mind, and it’s about as left-field as matchmaking gets. Here’s what he told CageFanatic in an interview last week, as transcribed by MMAMania:

“(Silva’s next fight) is still up in the air man, we don’t know who that is. Unfortunately Bisping lost which was a big thing but I’m not too sure. I’m not too sure who could be next…we want to fight someone who has a little bit of a name, someone that has as big of a name as possible and that’s on a winning record or a winning run right now. Right now it seems like most of the guys with names have had losses very recently. So, when I think about it, like the only thing that comes to mind and I don’t even know if that would be a possible fight is, you know, like Cung Le is coming off of three wins or something like that [Ed. note: Yeah, or something like that.] where he’s got a little bit of a name, but I mean it’s really hard in that division because it’s so evenly matched all the opponents on any given day one of those guys can beat each other, so you know, once again whoever the UFC decided we’re in…

Soares went on to reiterate the Silva camp’s old claim that Chris Weidman simply isn’t famous enough to fight Anderson Silva:

“I don’t think Anderson has anything to gain from that fight other than beating a super tough, unknown guy. He’s a phenomenal talent and no disrespect to his fighting abilities, but we would like to fight somebody with a little more recognition and maybe Weidman is maybe a fight or two away, you know what I mean? In hopefully building up that, you know, his following a little bit. What is there to gain from us to beat him? Really, I mean I ask you what is there for us to beat him? He’s going into that fight, most people, the general public are like ‘Oh Anderson is just fighting some guy named Weidman from New York, you know, he’s going to walk through him.’ So, if he doesn’t walk through him, there’s really nothing to gain other than another win and money in his pocket…Ask random people that watch the sport and ask them who Chris Weidman is and see what percentage will know who he is.”

To summarize: Cung Le is the best opponent for Anderson right now because hypothetically he would sell more pay-per-view buys than Chris Weidman, even though, come on, are you fucking serious Ed? You can’t even use the “nobody else asked for it” defense for this one, because Weidman wants this fight badly, and he’ll be ready to go by this spring. Luckily, Dana White has stepped in as the voice of reason:

“This is typical Anderson Silva-Ed Soares craziness. Every (expletive) time there’s a fight. He wants to fight (Demetrious) ‘Mighty Mouse’ Johnson, then he wants to (expletive) fight this guy and that guy. This is always the same deal, it always happens. ‘I absolutely will not fight Chael Sonnen, he doesn’t deserve the title and I’m not doing this and I’m not doing that.’ This is what we do. We’re waiting on something, we’ll see if this pans out. When we’re ready to announce it, we’ll announce it. He will defend his title; it won’t be a super fight.”

It’s good to know that we’re not the only ones growing weary of Soares’s fun little “suggestions” for who Anderson Silva should beat the crap out of next. But not only are Soares and Jorge Guimaraes‘s public matchmaking attempts frustrating to those of us who want to see the best fight the best — removed from all financial motivations — they also do a disservice to Anderson Silva. When Silva’s managers constantly argue that Chris Weidman isn’t worthy of a title shot, many fans come to the same conclusion: That Silva is scared of Weidman, and is ducking him as a result. It might not be accurate, but it’s public perception nonetheless, and you can blame Soares and Guimaraes for that.

The problem with an MMA manager speaking on behalf of his client is that it’s inevitable that his own agenda will be incorporated into the message. And at times, Ed Soares has blatantly misrepresented Silva. But since Soares is the one speaking to the media most of the time, his message is the one that dominates. So here’s our decree: Anderson Silva’s managers should do all their dealings behind-the-scenes and off-camera, from now on. When Anderson wants to express something to the media, he should do it personally, through an interpreter, if necessary — one who will actually translate what he’s saying. Everything else is just noise.

CagePotato Ban: Blaming a Failed Drug Test on an Over-the-Counter Supplement


Sheesh, Randy and Chuck have really been hitting the Centrum Silver since they retired, huh?

Ever since the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act was passed in 1994, athletes have been aware that there may be more than just protein in the tubs of powder and bottles of pills found in their local grocery stores. The supplement industry isn’t exactly known for its history of ethical practices, and the deregulation of it has unsurprisingly caused manufacturers to push the limits of what can be snuck into their products. It’s widely been accepted that any supplement one purchases — be it the pre-workout stimulant that a personal trainer recommended or the “hardcore” testosterone booster that the local meathead swears is responsible for his 300+ pound frame — can result in a failed drug test, and that any athlete who uses supplements does so at his or her own risk.

Yet if you’ve followed this sport — or any sport, for that matter — for at least one week, you’re already sick of what’s been dubbed The Tainted Supplements Defense. You know the story by heart, and can recite it word-for-word before the athlete even issues a statement on the failed test: An athlete gets busted with a banned substance in his or her system, claims that an over-the-counter product is responsible for the failed drug test, swears that he or she would never resort to taking steroids, wishes that he or she never took the supplements before the fight and promises that it will never happen again. It’s just likely enough to be true, yet just unfalsifiable enough for a reasonable fan to reject.

Which is just one of many reasons why I am cordially inviting anyone blaming a failed drug test on an over-the-counter supplement to fucking stop doing so from this point forward. No matter what variation of the excuse you’re using, your excuse is bad, and you should feel bad. Let’s start off with the most popular variation:


Sheesh, Randy and Chuck have really been hitting the Centrum Silver since they retired, huh?

Ever since the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act was passed in 1994, athletes have been aware that there may be more than just protein in the tubs of powder and bottles of pills found in their local grocery stores. The supplement industry isn’t exactly known for its history of ethical practices, and the deregulation of it has unsurprisingly caused manufacturers to push the limits of what can be snuck into their products. It’s widely been accepted that any supplement one purchases — be it the pre-workout stimulant that a personal trainer recommended or the “hardcore” testosterone booster that the local meathead swears is responsible for his 300+ pound frame — can result in a failed drug test, and that any athlete who uses supplements does so at his or her own risk.

Yet if you’ve followed this sport — or any sport, for that matter — for at least one week, you’re already sick of what’s been dubbed The Tainted Supplements Defense. You know the story by heart, and can recite it word-for-word before the athlete even issues a statement on the failed test: An athlete gets busted with a banned substance in his or her system, claims that an over-the-counter product is responsible for the failed drug test, swears that he or she would never resort to taking steroids, wishes that he or she never took the supplements before the fight and promises that it will never happen again. It’s just likely enough to be true, yet just unfalsifiable enough for a reasonable fan to reject.

Which is just one of many reasons why I am cordially inviting anyone blaming a failed drug test on an over-the-counter supplement to fucking stop doing so from this point forward. No matter what variation of the excuse you’re using, your excuse is bad, and you should feel bad. Let’s start off with the most popular variation:

“My supplements must have been tainted!” – The tried-and-true tainted supplements defense is by far the most unfalsifiable, yet least improbable option of the group. With roughly eighteen percent of bodybuilding supplements estimated to be tainted, it makes sense that a fighter might unknowingly purchase tainted supplements that cause them to piss hot for the steroids that MMA fighters are known to take. You know what also makes sense? That maybe, just maybe, the guy found with Winstrol in his system has been using Winstrol.

It’s like Slate recently published: “If I were a doper, I’d be sure to have a medicine cabinet full of supplements — ones that claim to produce the same results as my drugs. Then, if I ever tested positive for doping, I’d have a plausible excuse.” The MMA community is a pretty cynical group of people who won’t believe anyone using such a convenient defense. With all of the trainers, nutritionists, fellow fighters, doctors; etc. that professional fighters interact with on a daily basis, are you really expecting us to believe that not one of them warned you about what you’re putting into your body, or what supplements have caused innocent fighters to fail drug tests before?

Besides, you aren’t exactly in good company when you blame tainted supplements…

“I had no idea this over-the counter-product could cause me to fail a drug test!” – Really? Because pretty much every busted athlete fucking ever has only been using over-the-counter products, so I imagine that you’ve at least heard that this could happen. But I digress.

It’s funny that whenever someone blames an over-the-counter supplement for a failed drug test, you almost never hear what supplement is being blamed. The only exception I can think of off the top of my head is King Mo’s admission to taking S-Mass — a supplement that was pulled from the shelves five years before he got caught taking it due to an FDA ban. On one hand, I applaud King Mo for actually telling us what he took instead of completely dodging the question. On the other hand, bro, you can’t possibly be serious.

The thing about designer steroids is that pretty much all of them say right on the fucking bottle that they’ll cause you to fail a drug test. So that whole ”being responsible for what goes into your body” thing? Yeah, it’s about ten-times more applicable when all you have to do is know how to read in order to avoid taking a banned substance.

And for the supplements that don’t explicitly warn you that they contain banned ingredients? Allow me to introduce a 20-Word Checklist for Knowing if You Should Take a Supplement: Read the ingredients. Do you feel you need a chemistry degree to understand them? Google the ingredients before purchasing it.

Yeah, I know: It’s totally unfair that the person making a living off of his or her athleticism is expected to know about what goes into his or her body. Just like how it’s totally unfair that I’m expected to write in complete sentences and spell words correctly. Deal with it.

“I had no idea what I was taking!” – This one is usually heard in combination with one of the above defenses, but it’s preposterous enough to merit its own ban. For starters, taking pills without knowing what they do is a serious sign that you have a drug problem, so, you know, there’s that. Also, your own boss has called bullshit on this excuse, so there’s absolutely no reason for anyone else to buy it.

The bottom line is that no matter what variation of the over-the-counter supplement excuse you use, it’s extremely weak at best and downright bullshit at worst. Save everyone the time, admit you screwed up and let’s move on. Who knows, fans might even forgive you for doing so.

@SethFalvo

CagePotato Ban: Asking if Something Is ‘Fair’


(Hughes has been hunting since he was in camo diapers, but never has he seen anything with a rack that nice.)

By Jason Moles

Over the past few days, there’s been a lot of talk about what is fair and what is not. ESPN’s latest Outside the Lines episode, in which they attempted to sabotage the UFC  find out whether or not the UFC holds a monopoly in mixed martial arts, was mostly focused on how much money entry-level fighters are making compared to top fighters, and how unfair that is. Over and over again we were forced to hear terms like “revenue pie” and “fair share.” And just like that, the MMA fanosphere exploded as everyone with an Internet connection shared their inebriated take on fairness and injustice.

Let me stop you in your tracks right there. Who said life was fair, or even that it should be? Need I remind you just how unfair life is?

Why is it that Chael Sonnen gets busted with elevated testosterone and pleads guilty to money laundering and not only keeps his job, but is now in a number one contender bout at UFC on FOX while Nate Marquardt gets popped for the same thing and is excommunicated from Zuffa, relegated to the unemployment line? How in the world did Michael Vick spend more time behind bars for killing dogs than OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony did combined for killing people?! Does that seem fair to you? Don’t even get me started on the number of times Kenny Florian has fought for a title.


(Hughes has been hunting since he was in camo diapers, but never has he seen anything with a rack that nice.)

By Jason Moles

Over the past few days, there’s been a lot of talk about what is fair and what is not. ESPN’s latest Outside the Lines episode, in which they attempted to sabotage the UFC  find out whether or not the UFC holds a monopoly in mixed martial arts, was mostly focused on how much money entry-level fighters are making compared to top fighters, and how unfair that is. Over and over again we were forced to hear terms like “revenue pie” and “fair share.” And just like that, the MMA fanosphere exploded as everyone with an Internet connection shared their inebriated take on fairness and injustice.

Let me stop you in your tracks right there. Who said life was fair, or even that it should be? Need I remind you just how unfair life is?

Why is it that Chael Sonnen gets busted with elevated testosterone and pleads guilty to money laundering and not only keeps his job, but is now in a number one contender bout at UFC on FOX while Nate Marquardt gets popped for the same thing and is excommunicated from Zuffa, relegated to the unemployment line? How in the world did Michael Vick spend more time behind bars for killing dogs than OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony did combined for killing people?! Does that seem fair to you? Don’t even get me started on the number of times Kenny Florian has fought for a title.

At UFC 142 we saw featherweight champion, Jose “Where’s Waldo?” Aldo, cheat his way to victory with a perfectly executed grab of the cage, leading to the advantageous position where he promptly knocked out Team Alpha Male standout Chad Mendes. Do you remember the phantom knee that got Josh Koscheck‘s panties in a bunch? Thankfully, the point deduction was taken back after a quick check of the instant replay. Man, that thing sure would have come in handy for Erick Silva in Rio on Saturday night. Another fighter’s record blemished forever by an incompetent ref…or lapse in judgement, I’ll let you make the call.

Rape joke from fighter X = acceptable. Rape joke from fighter Y = GTFO.

When a reporter asks if it’s fair that a guy on the undercard is only making “6 and 6,” we should keep in mind that only a handful of people are paying the UFC to watch him fight, and most of them have changed his diaper at one point or another. He’s lucky to have made it this far, and to be given the opportunity to make a lot more money in the future. Would it be fair if Zuffa didn’t pay top guys Anderson Silva money? I mean, they are the primary reason we buy the PPV to begin with, right? We’ve seen the numbers drop when the main event stars get injured and the co-main event gets bumped up a week before the fight. You shell out our hard-earned money when the big dogs come out to play.

Bill Gates is said to have given a commencement speech to a group of students titled ‘Rules for Life’, and I can’t help but think it’s only appropriate to share what he said with all of you. [Ed. note: It was actually written by Charles J. Sykes, but let’s not get hung up on details.]

Rule 1: Life is not fair — get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping — they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Potato Nation, I beseech you to help enforce this newly added CagePotato Ban. Let all those who complain or inquire about the fairness of something be reprimanded for their blatant disregard for common sense. As we’ve just discussed, life isn’t fair. Plain and simple, cut and dry. Let’s all stop questioning something so obvious and spend our time doing something a little more productive, like, say, I don’t know… maybe finding an affordable way to do random drug testing in and out of competition.