(This is a Tank Abbott professional wrestling action figure produced and sold by the WWE. Spoiler alert: It is easily a much better Christmas present for the MMA fans in your life than ANYTHING on this list.)
By Seth Falvo
From ugly t-shirts to video games with comically deformed characters, MMA fans don’t exactly have a ton of half-decent options for Christmas presents. So it should probably go without saying that if you see that one of your presents is from UFCStore.com tomorrow morning, you should just throw the damn thing in the trash without opening it. Trust me, whatever is inside of that box is a Christmas tragedy the likes of which would make Agatha Christie blush.
The UFC’s official shop is not only littered with exactly the ugly, trashy, tasteless merchandise that you’d expect to see the Eddie Justbleeds of the world own, but also some incredibly confusing, useless products that suggest that maybe the UFC isn’t fully comfortable catering to said Justbleeds. I mean, for a company whose fan base is constantly measuring its collective dick, you’d think they’d be selling things like a UFC Belt Sander instead of a hyper-masculine UFC Shoe Bag.
So it’s in that spirit that I’ll be ranking the fifteen most depressing UFC items that you can currently buy — or, likely, receive as a Christmas present tomorrow — from UFCStore.com. Two rules: Number one, only UFC and UFC Gym brand items are eligible for inclusion, because as much as I’d love to include this eyesore, I’m not nearly enough of a masochist to rank every last item that awful place has up for grabs. And number two: It isn’t enough for an item to simply be extremely ugly, pointless, overpriced, dated or just plain stupid. No, for an item to make this list, it has to be that magical brand of awfulness that actually makes you feel sad and empty upon seeing that people are being asked to pay money in order to own it. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s begin our trip to the Island of Misfit UFC Merchandise…
From the UFCStore.com Product Description: “With this tank, everyone will know you’re a ferocious contender.”
Everyone may know that you’re a ferocious contender [Author Note: Please excuse me, I need to go vomit now…], but they’ll certainly wonder if you can actually read English. “UFC Fight Girl?” That’s how I’d expect an offensively stereotypical foreign tourist to describe Ronda Rousey. That this shirt was likely designed by a native English speaker to be worn by native English speakers both confuses and depresses me.
From the UFCStore.com Product Description: “Great for hats or lapels, this accessory will let everyone see your loyalty to the UFC!”
You’re honestly telling me that there are people who both fret over their inabilities to show the world that they’re UFC fans in their business professional attire and also want to spend $39.95 on a novelty lapel pin? I refuse to believe it. In fact, I bet if you tried to buy one of these, you’d be redirected to a page that explains how this item was just an anthropologist’s experiment to see if MMA fans really are stupid enough to buy anything with the letters “UFC” on it. There’s no damn way that the UFC has a box of lapel pins cluttering up a warehouse somewhere.
From the UFCStore.com Product Description: “While you may not be stepping into the octagon, with this tee, you’ll be ready to show the world how much dedication you have for the sport.”
$79.95 ON SALE NOW FOR ONLY $55.99
From the UFCStore.com Product Description: “These cute swimsuit bottoms will definitely show off your UFC style at the beach.”
“Great news, babe. I saved up some cash to buy you these BIKINI BOTTOMS! Not only are they inexcusably repulsive, but if you look really, really, closely at them, you’ll notice that they have OCTAGONS on them! THIS WAY EVERYONE WILL KNOW THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND WATCHES THE UFC!!!!”
Price: $799.95. That’s not a typo. Seven hundred ninenty-nine dollars and ninety-five cents.
From the UFCStore.com Product Description: “Your UFC pride won’t be clearer when you wear this bracelet!”
This is the most expensive item currently available from UFCStore.com, and it looks like it’s held together by a goddamn hair scrunchie. If this isn’t symbolic of how much the UFC “respects” its fans, then I really do not know what is.
On the next page: Things get worse. Much, much worse.