Tag: freak show

[VIDEO] A Toupee-less Tank Abbott Crawls Out From Under His Bridge and Declares Return to MMA

“A true warrior never puts down his sword and I love to do it. It’s as simple as that. I never left.”

Those were the words spoken by MMA pioneer and schnauzer-impersonator Tank Abbott yesterday when he announced his return to the sport of MMA after a three year absence. Yes, despite dropping 8 of his last 10 contests by first round stoppage and venturing into the bizarre worlds of celebrity boxing and backyard wrestling in his spare time, the 47 year-old Abbott is giving this MMA thing another try. We guarantee this judgement call has nothing to do with the fact that he just spent the last of the money he made for the Kimbo Slice fight on a bottle of Fleischmann’s that is now empty.

Even more shocking than Abbott’s decision to knock ten more years off his life was his decision to ditch the gorgeous hairpiece/Santa beard combination that we last saw him donning. The interviewer in the above video also noticed this, and showed a shocking lack of awareness when asking Tank why he decided to shave it off, as if it was ever real hair to begin with. “I don’t need long hair when I’m training,” Tank calmly replied, also bewildered that his bird’s nest could have possibly fooled someone that wasn’t legally blind.

After the jump: A full video of Tank’s last performance, in which he clubbed the back of Mike Bourke’s skull like a baby seal at the same event that saw Ken Shamrock defeat a now-deceased, morbidly obese white dude with cornrows before testing positive for steroids. Simpler times, simpler times.

“A true warrior never puts down his sword and I love to do it. It’s as simple as that. I never left.”

Those were the words spoken by MMA pioneer and schnauzer-impersonator Tank Abbott yesterday when he announced his return to the sport of MMA after a three year absence. Yes, despite dropping 8 of his last 10 contests by first round stoppage and venturing into the bizarre worlds of celebrity boxing and backyard wrestling in his spare time, the 47 year-old Abbott is giving this MMA thing another try. We guarantee this judgement call has nothing to do with the fact that he just spent the last of the money he made for the Kimbo Slice fight on a bottle of Fleischmann’s that is now empty.

Even more shocking than Abbott’s decision to knock ten more years off his life was his decision to ditch the gorgeous hairpiece/Santa beard combination that we last saw him donning. The interviewer in the above video also noticed this, and showed a shocking lack of awareness when asking Tank why he decided to shave it off, as if it was ever real hair to begin with. “I don’t need long hair when I’m training,” Tank calmly replied, also bewildered that his bird’s nest could have possibly fooled someone that wasn’t legally blind.

After the jump: A full video of Tank’s last performance, in which he clubbed the back of Mike Bourke’s skull like a baby seal at the same event that saw Ken Shamrock defeat a now-deceased, morbidly obese white dude with cornrows before testing positive for steroids. Simpler times, simpler times.


Tank Abbott vs. Mike Bourke (2/13/09) – Watch More Funny Videos

And who might Tank be facing in his triumphant comeback fight, you ask? None other than Ruben “Warpath” Villareal, who has also dropped 8 of his past 10 fights. CAN YOU SAY SUPERFIGHT? Ironically enough, Villareal’s only notable win that came during that streak was a first round knockout over the similarly drunk/awesome Don Frye in his comeback fight. And unless Villareal comes into this fight short an eye and both arms, we can probably expect a similar result here. Although if you were to ask us, Tank’s decision not to call out Tater Williams seems like a major blown opportunity. The sheer amount of theses across the sneezes in that fight could have really changed some people’s views on the sport in general.

BELIEVE IN MIRACLES, NATION.

–J. Jones

Throwback Fight of the Day: Before Becoming a Force in XARM, Bond Laupua Lost to Dan Quinn

We’re just hours away from UFC 152, where we will be treated to great fights between our sport’s top athletes. So, to get us in the mood for tonight’s action, let’s take a look at something completely different. Before establishing himself as the destroyer of Tater freakin’ Williams, top XARM heavyweight* Bond Laupua made his MMA debut against renowned crazy person Dan Quinn at Gladiator Challenge: First Strike in October 2009. And despite everything about pitting a future XARM athlete fighter competitor against a wild-eyed Stevia enthusiast seeming legitimate, the fight quickly turned into a bizarre freak show.

We’re just hours away from UFC 152, where we will be treated to great fights between our sport’s top athletes. So, to get us in the mood for tonight’s action, let’s take a look at something completely different. Before establishing himself as the destroyer of Tater freakin’ Williams, top XARM heavyweight* Bond Laupua made his MMA debut against renowned crazy person Dan Quinn at Gladiator Challenge: First Strike in October 2009. And despite everything about pitting a future XARM athlete fighter competitor against a wild-eyed Stevia enthusiast seeming legitimate, the fight quickly turned into a bizarre freak show.

It has to be frustrating to coach a fighter like Dan Quinn, who all but refuses to follow the most basic advice his corner gives him. His corner practically has to beg him to throw some punches, but don’t worry, Bond Laupua tires himself out far before Dan’s Homer Simpson-esque strategy can backfire. Dan lands some hard punches on the exhausted Bond Lapua, then backs away, generously giving Laupua the opportunity to recover. But much like the referee for my eighth grade dance off, this ref realizes that things can quickly go from embarrassing to tragic, and ain’t nobody got time for that. The shenanigans are over in one minute and forty nine seconds.

Of course, since getting TKO’d by Dan Quinn, Bond would reinvent himself in XARM, where “I don’t really have a strategy” is the perfect strategy for becoming a certified decapitator of the souls of mere mortals. Frankly, I’m not entirely sure that’s an improvement.

*Probably. I mean, I don’t know of any other XARM fighters, but how many people are actually competing in this sideshow?

@SethFalvo

KSW 19 Recap: Multiverse – 1 Dignity – 0


Is there ANYTHING about this man that makes him unqualified to talk about the infinitely accelerating current of creativity? Didn’t think so.

If last night taught us anything, it’s that some things never change. Nick Diaz will be Nick Diaz. Kimbo Slice will crush cans. And literally anything that involves Bob Sapp will lack anything that resembles dignity. What a universe we live in.

But today is Mother’s Day, so I’m going to try to be somewhat positive for a few sentences. The good news to come out of this event is that Matt Horwich managed to snap a four fight skid with a third round TKO over Poland’s own Antoni Chmielewski, who was 22-8 coming into this fight. Horwich has always been an interesting character, sort of a non-juiced up hippy Ultimate Warrior. Even though he’s too crazy for most major promotions to take a chance on him (not to mention his pedestrian 27-21 record), he fits in just fine with KSW’s roster. That wouldn’t usually be intended as a compliment, but in whatever section of the multiverse Matt Horwich is from, it is.

Video of Horwich’s victory and the freak show that was Bob Sapp vs. Mariusz Pudzianowski after the jump.


Is there ANYTHING about this man that makes him unqualified to talk about the infinitely accelerating current of creativity? Didn’t think so.

If last night taught us anything, it’s that some things never change. Nick Diaz will be Nick Diaz. Kimbo Slice will crush cans. And literally anything that involves Bob Sapp will lack anything that resembles dignity. What a universe we live in.

But today is Mother’s Day, so I’m going to try to be somewhat positive for a few sentences. The good news to come out of this event is that Matt Horwich managed to snap a four fight skid with a third round TKO over Poland’s own Antoni Chmielewski, who was 22-8 coming into this fight. Horwich has always been an interesting character, sort of a non-juiced up hippy Ultimate Warrior. Even though he’s too crazy for most major promotions to take a chance on him (not to mention his pedestrian 27-21 record), he fits in just fine with KSW’s roster. That wouldn’t usually be intended as a compliment, but in whatever section of the multiverse Matt Horwich is from, it is.

Okay, positive sentences over. Time to talk about Bob Sapp vs. Mariusz Pudzianowski.

I think it’s safe to say that Bob Sapp can’t do anything right at this point in his career, except be a large, scary looking guy that has zero chance of winning and even less of a chance of hurting his opponent. At the weigh-ins, he put a picture of Pudzianowski on a (presumably uncooked) chicken. See, because he thinks Mariusz is “chicken”, get it? It’s not exactly the most clever way to mock someone- especially when you remember that Bob Sapp just tapped out to a double leg takedown- but he clearly put far more effort into that than he did training.

Perhaps it’s only because he was fighting Bob Sapp, but Mariusz seems to have made strides in his standup. I’m not saying he’s ready for legit competition or anything, but still, props to him for taking this fight seriously. You know the drill by now: Sapp gets caught, Sapp covers up and waits for the “fight” to end, the referee decides that the fight should stop before Bob Sapp actually takes some kind of damage (even though Pudzianowski initially doesn’t oblige), and then everyone is laughing and giving out bro-grabs afterwards, seemingly forgetting that Sapp was “out” just a few seconds ago.

As KSW likes to say, biznes jak zwykle. At least I think it’s them that says that.

Full Results

Mariusz Pudzianowski def. Bob Sapp via TKO, Round One
Mamed Khalidov def. Rodney Wallace via KO, Round One
Michal Materla def. Jay Silva via Majority Decision
Matt Horwich def. Antoni Chmielewski via TKO, Round Three
Aslambek Saidov def. Grigor Aschugbabjan via submission (Kimura), Round One
Marta Chojnoska def. Paulina Suska via submission (Scarf Hold Armlock), Round One
Borys Mankowski def. Marcin Naruszczka via Majority Decision

Tank Abbott Continues His Reign of Dominance…We Think


(Wait, so you mean to tell me that we have to fight indoors? In a ring? Like a bunch of pampered women? Props to MiddleEasy for the find. ) 

Fresh off his decision victory over Scott Ferrozzo at ProElite: Birmingham, Tank Abbott was at it again last night, this time taking on fellow UFC pioneer Kimo Leopold in a match that made the ill-fated special rules bout between Ken Shamrock and James Toney seem like a walk in the park. Fortunately taking place inside an actual building this time — the Avalon in Hollywood, California — the bout featured three, one minute rounds, in which the competitors wore both headgear and some cartoon sized boxing gloves.


(Wait, so you mean to tell me that we have to fight indoors? In a ring? Like a bunch of pampered women? Props to MiddleEasy for the find. ) 

Fresh off his decision victory over Scott Ferrozzo at ProElite: Birmingham, Tank Abbott was at it again last night, this time taking on fellow UFC pioneer Kimo Leopold in a match that made the ill-fated special rules bout between Ken Shamrock and James Toney seem like a walk in the park. Fortunately taking place inside an actual building this time — the Avalon in Hollywood, California — the bout featured three, one minute rounds, in which the competitors wore both headgear and some cartoon sized boxing gloves.

But where Tank’s backyard brawl at least had the decency to determine a winner, no such clarity could be provided with last evening’s brawl. Those that were able to stay awake for the “fight”‘s entirety were given no closure as to who won, and likely walked back to their tricked out El Camino’s soaked in Natty Ice and disappointment. But considering that these are the kind of people who willingly paid to see the likes of Coolio, Octomom, Joey Buttafuoco, Tila Tequila, and Jose fucking Canseco square off, all whilst Ron Jeremy strutted his stuff as a ring girl, mind you, it’s hard to imagine that their hopes were ever that high to begin with. Or their IQ’s, for that matter.

As soon as we find video evidence that this blasphemy actually occurred we will be sure to let you know, because this is the kind of hard hitting story that keeps the Potato Nation strong.

-Danga 

Butterbean Has Now Officially Proven He Has No Clue About MMA

(Video courtesy YouTube/rattsnakeratt)
Having watched quite a few of Eric "Butterbean" Esch’s MMA fights over the years, purely for the comedic value, I’ve taken to calling him "Turtle," because every time he got on his back he …

(Video courtesy YouTube/rattsnakeratt)

Having watched quite a few of Eric "Butterbean" Esch‘s MMA fights over the years, purely for the comedic value, I’ve taken to calling him "Turtle," because every time he got on his back he was fucked. 

Despite joining American Top Team — a camp known as much for its high-level Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belts as it is for it’s dangerous strikers, Esch has done very little to round out his game in his nearly seven years in the sport. He’s basically just an older, fatter version of the hard-punching jobber he was in boxing.

So when he says things like "Mariusz Pudzianowski is going to be the best heavyweight in the world in two years," his opinion doesn’t hold much water.

He could be trying to talk up the terrible showing he had against The World’s Strongest Man" last weekend in Poland in a first round TKO loss that looked suspiciously like a WWE work, but if Turtle Butterbean truly believes that Mariusz will be the next Fedor or Brock, Moosin might want to reconsider having him as its spokesperson.

"He’s learning very much. He’s come a long way. In two years, I don’t think there would be anybody out there that would be able to compete with Mariusz. So, Poland, they might have to wait two years to have the best MMA man out there. But it’s coming. He’s learning very, very fast," Esch said in an interview after his KSW bout last weekend. "He’s a very smart man. He’s not stupid. He’s very smart. I’ve never said anything bad about Mario, other than he punches like a girl. But he’s a very smart man, very nice, very strong. Two years he’ll be unbeatable."

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