You may have already read the depressing accounts of “McDojo”-type martial arts schools written by our own Brian J. D’Souza and Seth Falvo, but here’s some visual proof that the culture of bullshit, bastardized karate/kung fu/whatever is alive and kicking (no pun intended), and still being swallowed up by gullible cult-members.
The above video shows a 5th-degree black belt test held by the World Martial Arts Association, based in Brooklyn, New York. Forget the fact that all these guys move like hyperactive yellow belts, and would all be smashed by anybody with four months of actual striking or grappling training — they’re grandmasters, every last one. Be sure to watch to the end to see a woefully out-of-sync kata demonstration, in which grown-ass men all try desperately to be the first one to finish. IT’S NOT A RACE, TIMMY.
After the jump, “headmaster” Michael T. Dealy freestyles against three attackers. You have never seen so many kicks blocked with forearms in your entire life. Lots more here.
You may have already read the depressing accounts of “McDojo”-type martial arts schools written by our own Brian J. D’Souza and Seth Falvo, but here’s some visual proof that the culture of bullshit, bastardized karate/kung fu/whatever is alive and kicking (no pun intended), and still being swallowed up by gullible cult-members.
The above video shows a 5th-degree black belt test held by the World Martial Arts Association, based in Brooklyn, New York. Forget the fact that all these guys move like hyperactive yellow belts, and would all be smashed by anybody with four months of actual striking or grappling training — they’re grandmasters, every last one. Be sure to watch to the end to see a woefully out-of-sync kata demonstration, in which grown-ass men all try desperately to be the first one to finish. IT’S NOT A RACE, TIMMY.
After the jump, “headmaster” Michael T. Dealy freestyles against three attackers. You have never seen so many kicks blocked with forearms in your entire life. Lots more here.
As Karmaatemycat will surely tell you, the fluid-draining process is one of the more disgusting aspects of being a mixed martial artist — right up there with fighting Dan Severn in the late aughts. It appears that Cat was similarly horrified when forced to watch the equivalent of a dozen Five Hour Energy drinks being drained from her knee first hand. Honestly, I just hope this gross MMA video trend doesn’t take an even grosser turn into the world of anal colonic interview videos a la Tom Lawlor, or I am out this bitch.
To cleanse your palate of all this surgery-related grossness, we’ve thrown the now-classic video of Zingano during sexier, stretchier times after the jump.
As Karmaatemycat will surely tell you, the fluid-draining process is one of the more disgusting aspects of being a mixed martial artist — right up there with fighting Dan Severn in the late aughts. It appears that Cat was similarly horrified when forced to watch the equivalent of a dozen Five Hour Energy drinks being drained from her knee first hand. Honestly, I just hope this gross MMA video trend doesn’t take an even grosser turn into the world of anal colonic interview videos a la Tom Lawlor, or I am out this bitch.
To cleanse your palate of all this surgery-related grossness, we’ve thrown the now-classic video of Zingano during sexier, stretchier times after the jump.
While attending the Metamoris 2 pro jiu-jitsu invitational in Los Angeles on Sunday, CagePotato reporter Elias Cepeda had a backstage run-in with 27-time BJJ World Champion Renato Laranja, who gave his thoughts — if you can call them that — about Rickson Gracie, “poonchang,” Eddie Bravo’s facial hair, somebody named Señor Aoki, and how Andre Galvao vs. Rafael Lovato Jr. looked like two guys fighting for the covers in bed. It’s a moral victory for Elias, just for surviving to the end.
While attending the Metamoris 2 pro jiu-jitsu invitational in Los Angeles on Sunday, CagePotato reporter Elias Cepeda had a backstage run-in with 27-time BJJ World Champion Renato Laranja, who gave his thoughts — if you can call them that — about Rickson Gracie, “poonchang,” Eddie Bravo’s facial hair, somebody named Señor Aoki, and how Andre Galvao vs. Rafael Lovato Jr. looked like two guys fighting for the covers in bed. It’s a moral victory for Elias, just for surviving to the end.
(At one point, Jones tried to pull away because he thought the handshake was over, but Chael held on for like a half-second longer. It was, without question, the most challenging moment of Jones’s professional MMA career. / Photo via Getty Images)
The fight game isn’t just about tatted-up white guys with shaved heads hitting each other in the face. If it were, BodogFIGHT and the IFL would still be alive and kicking. Marketing /Hype/PR is a crucial aspect of the fight business — but it doesn’t always go so well.
There were times when the UFC has had stunning marketing triumphs (the whole “Zuffa created the entire MMA world and if you don’t like it you’re a butthurt Pride fanboy” shtick). But there were also times when the UFC’s efforts fell flat on their face like Rafael “Feijao” Cavalcante against Dan Henderson.
What were some of these hyped-up but obviously bullshit moments? Let’s have a look…
1. Watch Che Mills, the Unstoppable Killing Machine!
(Source: Getty)
UFC 145’s main event of Jon Jones vs. Rashad Evans was strong enough to sell a pay-per-view on. Sure, sometimes the promo made the two fighters look like jilted lovers, but we’re not gonna hate on the UFC for hyping up a title fight.
We will, however, hate on them for trying to convince fans that a squash match — Rory MacDonald vs. Che Mills — was some kind of epic duel between two young lions. There was only one prospect in that fight, and it wasn’t Che Mills.
The UFC’s inability to do anything with subtlety ruined the promos for this event, the prelims for this event, and most of the PPV portion of this event. Describing Mills as a “new, dangerous welterweight from the UK” was a gross exaggeration. The British striker was only dangerous if you were a TUF bum or if you suffered an accidental knee injury while fighting him.
During the prelims, Rogan was doing the hard sell. THIS CHE MILLS GUY IS A KILLER. HE’S A MONSTER. HE’S A BADASS. HE BEHEADED NED STARK. HE SHOT BAMBI’S MOTHER. Insane falsehoods like this littered the broadcast. Rogan didn’t stop the bullshit once the main card started, either.
We got treated with pro-wrestling-level fakeness about how Che Mills was on MacDonald’s level up until MacDonald, predictably, ran through Mills.
Thus, the only thing that got killed at UFC 145 was Mills’s career.
Since then, Mills hasn’t legitimately won a fight, unless you count Duane Ludwig’s freak injury as a legit win. Earlier this month, Mills lost via TKO to Irishman Cathal Pendred (never heard of him either) at a CWFC event in Ireland.
(At one point, Jones tried to pull away because he thought the handshake was over, but Chael held on for like a half-second longer. It was, without question, the most challenging moment of Jones’s professional MMA career. / Photo via Getty Images)
The fight game isn’t just about tatted-up white guys with shaved heads hitting each other in the face. If it were, BodogFIGHT and the IFL would still be alive and kicking. Marketing /Hype/PR is a crucial aspect of the fight business — but it doesn’t always go so well.
There were times when the UFC has had stunning marketing triumphs (the whole “Zuffa created the entire MMA world and if you don’t like it you’re a butthurt Pride fanboy” shtick). But there were also times when the UFC’s efforts fell flat on their face like Rafael “Feijao” Cavalcante against Dan Henderson.
What were some of these hyped-up but obviously bullshit moments? Let’s have a look…
1. Watch Che Mills, the Unstoppable Killing Machine!
(Source: Getty)
UFC 145’s main event of Jon Jones vs. Rashad Evans was strong enough to sell a pay-per-view on. Sure, sometimes the promo made the two fighters look like jilted lovers, but we’re not gonna hate on the UFC for hyping up a title fight.
We will, however, hate on them for trying to convince fans that a squash match — Rory MacDonald vs. Che Mills — was some kind of epic duel between two young lions. There was only one prospect in that fight, and it wasn’t Che Mills.
The UFC’s inability to do anything with subtlety ruined the promos for this event, the prelims for this event, and most of the PPV portion of this event. Describing Mills as a “new, dangerous welterweight from the UK” was a gross exaggeration. The British striker was only dangerous if you were a TUF bum or if you suffered an accidental knee injury while fighting him.
During the prelims, Rogan was doing the hard sell. THIS CHE MILLS GUY IS A KILLER. HE’S A MONSTER. HE’S A BADASS. HE BEHEADED NED STARK. HE SHOT BAMBI’S MOTHER. Insane falsehoods like this littered the broadcast. Rogan didn’t stop the bullshit once the main card started, either.
We got treated with pro-wrestling-level fakeness about how Che Mills was on MacDonald’s level up until MacDonald, predictably, ran through Mills.
Thus, the only thing that got killed at UFC 145 was Mills’s career.
Since then, Mills hasn’t legitimately won a fight, unless you count Duane Ludwig’s freak injury as a legit win. Earlier this month, Mills lost via TKO to Irishman Cathal Pendred (never heard of him either) at a CWFC event in Ireland.
Couture vs. Toney didn’t headline the UFC 118 PPV — Frankie Edgar vs. BJ Penn had that honor — but it was a large part of the event’s marketing.
Dana/The Zuffa hype machine gave out reasons why the fight wasn’t bullshit and why you should buy the PPV. They cited the statistic that James Toney had more knockouts than Randy Couture had fights and trotted out the tired, near-meaningless phrase “you never know what’s gonna happen in a fight” again and again.
Forget the fact that pure boxers had tried to ply their craft in the UFC twice and had failed, DANA WHITE is telling you James Toney has a chance so it must be right and you better buy the PPV so you can see the upset of a lifetime!
Toney’s ass-crack being visible at the weigh-ins foreshadowed the shittyness to come. The match ended the way everybody thought it would, with Toney having laughably bad MMA skills (he didn’t even know how to tap out correctly) and Couture effortlessly submitting him.
When the UFC was founded, one of the bigger issues was how to market it.
The American public had long been familiar with the typical Asian martial arts bushido bullshit thanks to the wave of interest inspired by movies ranging from Enter the Dragon to The Karate Kid. But the UFC was more than just karate guys and katas. It was the world’s toughest and purest fighting tournament. How, exactly, are you supposed to sell that?
McLaren was the man in charge of the UFC’s marketing in 1993. His strategy was to make the UFC appear as anything BUT a sport. To McLaren, the UFC had to be presented as Mortal Kombat without the thunder gods and four-armed Shokan princes.
The result of this policy was the enthusiastic yet ultimately self-defeating “BANNED IN 49 STATES. FIGHTS END VIA KNOCKOUT, SUBMISSION, OR DEATH” marketing campaign that piqued the interest of martial arts enthusiasts, street brawlers, and pornography theater owners.
4. Revenge Is a Dish Best Served on a Lackluster PPV Main Event.
(Source: MMAWeekly)
Remember Chuck Liddell’s “fearsome” title reign where he allegedly fought the best light-heavyweights in the world?
Yeah, we’re gonna talk about that for a second.
Riding high off capturing the UFC light heavyweight crown from Randy Couture, Chuck Liddell was pitted against Jeremy Horn. It was a peculiar match to make seeing as Horn hadn’t been in the UFC since a 2001 loss to Elvis Sinosic, of all people.
So why rush Horn to the front of the title-shot line?
Well, one theory is that Horn’s victory over the legendary Spencer Canup impressed Dana White so much that he had no other choice than to give Horn the title shot.
Another, equally likely theory, is that Liddell’s 1999 loss to Horn was a great pretext for a “REVENGE! GRUDGE MATCH!” angle straight out of the WWE’s playbook. Liddell got to avenge his loss, Horn lost some brain cells, and MMA fans lost a few hours and $40.
The UFC couldn’t survive if Tito Ortiz kept fighting the likes of Elvis Sinosic (that’s two Sinosic mentions in one article, if anyone is keeping count). The UFC needed established names. Ken Shamrock was an established name.
Yes, he was coming off a loss when he was brought in to fight Tito Ortiz for the first time in 2002 but that didn’t matter. Everybody remembered Ken Shamrock thanks to his status as a UFC Legend™ and thanks to his time in the WWE.
“Here are two guys who DON’T LIKE EACH OTHER!” “Watch the DISRESPECTFUL, UPSTART PUNK trash talk the RESPECTFUL VETERAN”
Ironically, the hype around the feud was all real. Shamrock’s Lion’s Den and Tito Ortiz had legitimate beef with one another. Thus, matching up him an Ortiz was an easy sell. But the reason this hook was so terrible was that Shamrock was no match for Ortiz. Shamrock wasn’t a roided-up superman anymore. He was Samson without his hair, Batman without his money, Chael Sonnen without TRT.
Yeah, great they don’t like each other. That doesn’t mean a fight between them made sense because, quite frankly, it didn’t. It was a cash-grab and attention whoring.
And it worked — so well, in fact, that they did it again twice. Shamrock would face Ortiz four years later on another PPV, UFC 61, and on a UFC Fight Night card called “Ortiz vs. Shamrock 3: The Final Chapter” just three months after that. Both of those fights ended in first-round TKO wins for Ortiz.
On the next page: A legend gets executed, “fun fights” (aka “squash matches”) and the absurd bullshit that actually turned out to be true.
During the fifth round of the bout, Zuniga began to finally crack Arnett’s counterpunch-heavy style, backing Arnett up against the ropes as he unleashed his hardest punches. Sensing his opponent was in trouble, Zuniga was all about trading haymakers, while Arnett was more interested in silly things like defense, counter left hooks and not getting his ass kicked. Clearly frustrated, Zuniga decided that his best option in this situation was to channel his inner Harold Howard, signaling for his opponent to “COME ON!” while he let Arnett off the ropes.
I’m not here to fault Zuniga for attempting a mid-fight Harold Howard tribute. Hell, I don’t think anyone reading this is here to do that. But…if you’re telling your opponent to “come on,” can you at least do it in a stereotypically Canadian accent? And for crying out loud, please don’t immediately get knocked the fuck out, either. Especially if you attempt zero cartwheel kicks in the process.
During the fifth round of the bout, Zuniga began to finally crack Arnett’s counterpunch-heavy style, backing Arnett up against the ropes as he unleashed his hardest punches. Sensing his opponent was in trouble, Zuniga was all about trading haymakers, while Arnett was more interested in silly things like defense, counter left hooks and not getting his ass kicked. Clearly frustrated, Zuniga decided that his best option in this situation was to channel his inner Harold Howard, signaling for his opponent to “COME ON!” while he let Arnett off the ropes.
I’m not here to fault Zuniga for attempting a mid-fight Harold Howard tribute. Hell, I don’t think anyone reading this is here to do that. But…if you’re telling your opponent to “come on,” can you at least do it in a stereotypically Canadian accent? And for crying out loud, please don’t immediately get knocked the fuck out, either. Especially if you attempt zero cartwheel kicks in the process.
0:00-0:20: The fat guy on the left. I can’t look away. 1:05: Bro in the hat and shades gets kicked in the ass. Hard. 1:15: Victim #2 explains that it’s his dream to get punched in the face. Anthony punches him in the face. Real hard. When the victim regains his senses, he says, “Jose Aldo, you are so fucked up.” Oh boy. That’s grounds for a treason charge in Brazil. 1:52: We see that the fat guy has a lazy eye and braces. He gets kicked in the belly…twice. Jesus, man. This wasn’t part of the deal. 3:25: Pettis jams a turning side-kick into a guy rolled up in bubble-wrap. 3:52: Pettis starts to beat the ever-loving shit out of the guy rolled up in bubble-wrap. 4:06: For a moment, I begin to feel bad for the guy rolled up in bubble-wrap. 4:27: This beating is still going on? Unbelievable. 5:08: The moment you’ve all been waiting for — the Showtime Kick. 5:59: “Holy sheetzch.”
0:00-0:20: The fat guy on the left. I can’t look away. 1:05: Bro in the hat and shades gets kicked in the ass. Hard. 1:15: Victim #2 explains that it’s his dream to get punched in the face. Anthony punches him in the face. Real hard. When the victim regains his senses, he says, “Jose Aldo, you are so fucked up.” Oh boy. That’s grounds for a treason charge in Brazil. 1:52: We see that the fat guy has a lazy eye and braces. He gets kicked in the belly…twice. Jesus, man. This wasn’t part of the deal. 3:25: Pettis jams a turning side-kick into a guy rolled up in bubble-wrap. 3:52: Pettis starts to beat the ever-loving shit out of the guy rolled up in bubble-wrap. 4:06: For a moment, I begin to feel bad for the guy rolled up in bubble-wrap. 4:27: This beating is still going on? Unbelievable. 5:08: The moment you’ve all been waiting for — the Showtime Kick. 5:59: “Holy sheetzch.”
