Fame is a funny thing. One second it has you teaching tomorrow’s youth how to rape transsexuals in parking garages, and the next it has you teaching women (and possibly transsexuals) to defend themselves from said rapists. Such is the case with former UFC light heavyweight champion, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, who recently posted the above flyer on the Twitter account of his fitness academy along with the following info:
Rampage is giving back to the community and hosting a free self defense seminar for women on March 28th.
Who wants to bet that Page’s first bit of sage-like defense advice will be to purchase a pair of his patented anti-rape shoes? After staring at a pair for over an hour at my local Foot Locker the other day, I’ve determined that the only possibly explanation for the millipede-like protrusions on the underside of those things is that they act like some sort of Inspector Gadget spring device when someone is cornered. Or being raped.
Fame is a funny thing. One second it has you teaching tomorrow’s youth how to rape transsexuals in parking garages, and the next it has you teaching women (and possibly transsexuals) to defend themselves from said rapists. Such is the case with former UFC light heavyweight champion, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, who recently posted the above flyer on the Twitter account of his fitness academy along with the following info:
Rampage is giving back to the community and hosting a free self defense seminar for women on March 28th.
Who wants to bet that Page’s first bit of sage-like defense advice will be to purchase a pair of his patented anti-rape shoes? After staring at a pair for over an hour at my local Foot Locker the other day, I’ve determined that the only possibly explanation for the millipede-like protrusions on the underside of those things is that they act like some sort of Inspector Gadget spring device when someone is cornered. Or being raped.
(It was later revealed that Mazzagatti had been planning to kill Fitch for years and was simply waiting for the right moment to pounce. Photo via Tracy Lee at Yahoo Sports.)
It’s been a pretty slow couple of days in the MMA world, Potato Nation. How should you know this? Because the news that’s being dropped off on our (imaginary) desks by our (imaginary) bosses is some bullshit about a fitting issue at WSoF 2 that resulted in Andrei Arlovski wearing those UFC gloves….
(It was later revealed that Mazzagatti had been planning to kill Fitch for years and was simply waiting for the right moment to pounce. Photo via Tracy Lee at Yahoo Sports.)
It’s been a pretty slow couple of days in the MMA world, Potato Nation. How should you know this? Because the news that’s being dropped off on our (imaginary) desks by our (imaginary) bosses is some bullshit about a fitting issue at WSoF 2 that resulted in Andrei Arlovski wearing those UFC gloves….
As if the video wasn’t great enough on its own, the segue music choices are downright brilliant. “It’s Too Late” by Carole King is Mazzagatti’s “Dust in the Wind.”
(Oh, just rub some dirt on it, you fairy. We’re sure you’ll be fine.)
If this .gif from last weekend’s WOCS 24 bout between Magno Alexandre and Gustavo Franca proved anything, it’s that you don’t need to possess a freakish, 6’4″ lightweight frame like Corey Hill to have your leg snapped like a toothpick in an MMA fight. During the first round of a main card featherweight contest, Franca — like Hill before him — threw a low leg kick that was effortlessly checked by Alexandre. Which would have be fine…had Franca not taken a sworn oath against calcium in the 5th grade.
Franca’s leg proceeded to disintegrate beneath him, and I proceeded to regurgitate the contents of my breakfast all over myself. Thankfully, I usually start the day with a fifth of Elijah Craig (aged 18 years) and some York Peppermint Patties, the combination of which tastes just as good going down the second time in puree form.
So, Potato Nation, great lawn chair knockout or GREATEST lawn chair knockout?
(Oh, just rub some dirt on it, you fairy. We’re sure you’ll be fine.)
If this .gif from last weekend’s WOCS 24 bout between Magno Alexandre and Gustavo Franca proved anything, it’s that you don’t need to possess a freakish, 6’4″ lightweight frame like Corey Hill to have your leg snapped like a toothpick in an MMA fight. During the first round of a main card featherweight contest, Franca — like Hill before him — threw a low leg kick that was effortlessly checked by Alexandre. Which would have be fine…had Franca not taken a sworn oath against calcium in the 5th grade.
Franca’s leg proceeded to disintegrate beneath him, and I proceeded to regurgitate the contents of my breakfast all over myself. Thankfully, I usually start the day with a fifth of Elijah Craig (aged 18 years) and some York Peppermint Patties, the combination of which tastes just as good going down the second time in puree form.
So, Potato Nation, great lawn chair knockout or GREATEST lawn chair knockout?
Upon doing a little research, we have discovered that longtime MMA announcer Michael “Good Night Irene” Schiavello is from some place called Australia. Awwstraileeyah. We’ve never heard of it either, but what you should know is that folks who hail from this…AUSTRALIA, tend to have funny-sounding voices. Not funny in a German nihilist kind of way, but funny nonetheless. At last Friday’s RFA 7 event, we found out that Schiavello’s accent becomes particularly amusing when attempting to pronounce the name of young fighter Danny Mainus.
You see, Mainus sounds a bit like “my anus,” you dig? It’s a fact that becomes quite humorous when Schiavello says things like “There’s a cut on Mainus,” or “Mainus is ready to pounce here.” And while this kind of humor might not be up your alley if you have moved on from the 8th grade, well, you’re probably not in our target audience anyway. So check out the video above and rate it on a comedic scale of Zookeeper to The Big Lebowski in the comments section, with Zookeeper obviously being on the upper end of the spectrum. When Kevin James started talking to that monkey, you guys, I totally roflcoptered. I roflcoptered all over myself.
Now piss off, because I need to finish writing this note to pass to Patty Nelson in chemistry class (more like phlegmistry class, amiright? *receives high fives from everyone at the cool kids lunch table*) to see if she’ll go with me to the Spring semi-formal. If she denies me, I’ll just tell Tony T and Space Face Mike that she has herpes anyway.
Upon doing a little research, we have discovered that longtime MMA announcer Michael “Good Night Irene” Schiavello is from some place called Australia. Awwstraileeyah. We’ve never heard of it either, but what you should know is that folks who hail from this…AUSTRALIA, tend to have funny-sounding voices. Not funny in a German nihilist kind of way, but funny nonetheless. At last Friday’s RFA 7 event, we found out that Schiavello’s accent becomes particularly amusing when attempting to pronounce the name of young fighter Danny Mainus.
You see, Mainus sounds a bit like “my anus,” you dig? It’s a fact that becomes quite humorous when Schiavello says things like “There’s a cut on Mainus,” or “Mainus is ready to pounce here.” And while this kind of humor might not be up your alley if you have moved on from the 8th grade, well, you’re probably not in our target audience anyway. So check out the video above and rate it on a comedic scale of Zookeeper to The Big Lebowski in the comments section, with Zookeeper obviously being on the upper end of the spectrum. When Kevin James started talking to that monkey, you guys, I totally roflcoptered. I roflcoptered all over myself.
Now piss off, because I need to finish writing this note to pass to Patty Nelson in chemistry class (more like phlegmistry class, amiright? *receives high fives from everyone at the cool kids lunch table*) to see if she’ll go with me to the Spring semi-formal. If she denies me, I’ll just tell Tony T and Space Face Mike that she has herpes anyway.
I’ve always assumed that I wasn’t the target audience for Miller Lite commercials seeing as though I’ve found most of them over the years insipid and dull – too much corn ball, too little actual funny. Plus, there’s always the typical, “this beer magically makes every situation better,” idea presented that insults your intelligence.
This morning, however, I finally found a beer commercial that I actually enjoyed (other than the World’s Most Interesting Man ones, of course). Turns out the secret ingredient for this fight fan to get down with a commercial is Chuck Liddell. I mean, the above commercial is most certainly corny and stupid but, dang it, I chuckled out loud watching Chuck Liddell get his friends the royal treatment while out on the town simply by his presence.
We’re not sure if we’re meant to understand Liddell’s special treatment as people being afraid of him or their simply recognizing him as rich and famous. Either way, Liddell manages to score brews, restaurant seats, primo sporting event seats and dolphin rides for his crew. His acting is also getting better as he looked like he really was having a good time partying with bros.
Either that or “The Iceman” didn’t know he was in a commercial and just thought it was another typical day in his VP life.
I’ve always assumed that I wasn’t the target audience for Miller Lite commercials seeing as though I’ve found most of them over the years insipid and dull – too much corn ball, too little actual funny. Plus, there’s always the typical, “this beer magically makes every situation better,” idea presented that insults your intelligence.
This morning, however, I finally found a beer commercial that I actually enjoyed (other than the World’s Most Interesting Man ones, of course). Turns out the secret ingredient for this fight fan to get down with a commercial is Chuck Liddell. I mean, the above commercial is most certainly corny and stupid but, dang it, I chuckled out loud watching Chuck Liddell get his friends the royal treatment while out on the town simply by his presence.
We’re not sure if we’re meant to understand Liddell’s special treatment as people being afraid of him or their simply recognizing him as rich and famous. Either way, Liddell manages to score brews, restaurant seats, primo sporting event seats and dolphin rides for his crew. His acting is also getting better as he looked like he really was having a good time partying with bros.
Either that or “The Iceman” didn’t know he was in a commercial and just thought it was another typical day in his VP life.
(You are a great champion and you hit like a girl. I want to retire and I want a rematch. / Photo via MMAWeekly)
Before the judges’ decision for UFC 158’s main event between Georges St. Pierre and Nick Diaz was even announced, Diaz walked over to the man he’d been taunting for years and raised the champion’s hand. It was a far cry from the head games Diaz had been playing with Georges – calling him a coward, accusing him of using steroids, taking swings at him after a round bell, etc. – and St. Pierre returned the gesture of respect in his post-fight comments in the ring to interviewer Joe Rogan.
It did not take long, however, for Diaz to once more insult St. Pierre, at the post event press conference. “He hits like a woman,” a battered Diaz told the assembled media.
“He has his full on range to separate and punch me, but he hits like a girl because he’s too scared to let go to get a real punch in…Five rounds woke me up, I’m ready to fight.”
We’re not sure how Diaz’ buddy Ronda Rousey would feel about him using the female tag as an insult, but she’d probably advise the challenger to make sure he’s ready at the opening bell next time, instead of after twenty five minutes in.
That is, anyway, if Diaz ever even fights again. The veteran re-stated his interest in retiring from the sport he’s competed in professionally since adolescence. “I’m trying to retire,” Diaz said. “I’m trying to get out of this gig, but I would love a rematch. I think I could beat you. I really do, I think I could beat him. I think I could stop the take downs for the first two rounds and get to fight my whole fight and I think I could beat you.”
UFC President Dana White was succinct in shutting down any notion of an immediate title shot for Diaz. “He wouldn’t get a rematch off that fight,” White said. “Johny Hendricks deserves the next shot.”
White also had some advice for Diaz after another strange admission from the California resident. Nick Diaz told the media that he has never paid taxes in his life and that he expects to go to prison for it.
“I’ve never paid taxes in my life,” Diaz revealed.
“I’m probably going to go to jail. And no one wants to hear that kind of talk and what’s going on with me. I might as well just be a kid. I’ve had fight after fight after fight after fight, and you don’t know what that does to somebody who didn’t graduate high school.”
“Holy sh_t. That’s sad,” White said of Diaz’ admission. “You wanna talk about sad? That’s sad. Somebody better handle that with this check and make sure that kid doesn’t end up with nothing.”
Diaz’ manager Cesar Gracie should add getting his client to pay his taxes to the long list of things he should be doing as a part of his job, along with getting him to show up to contractually obligated events.
Oh yeah, Diaz said he slept until 8pm the day of the event and criticized his coaching and teammates as absent and negligent.
Craziness. Anyway, check out video of the full press conference after the jump to get your share of Diaz excuses, Diaz praising St. Pierre, Diaz insulting St. Pierre, and much more.
(You are a great champion and you hit like a girl. I want to retire and I want a rematch. / Photo via MMAWeekly)
Before the judges’ decision for UFC 158′s main event between Georges St. Pierre and Nick Diaz was even announced, Diaz walked over to the man he’d been taunting for years and raised the champion’s hand. It was a far cry from the head games Diaz had been playing with Georges – calling him a coward, accusing him of using steroids, taking swings at him after a round bell, etc. – and St. Pierre returned the gesture of respect in his post-fight comments in the ring to interviewer Joe Rogan.
It did not take long, however, for Diaz to once more insult St. Pierre, at the post event press conference. “He hits like a woman,” a battered Diaz told the assembled media.
“He has his full on range to separate and punch me, but he hits like a girl because he’s too scared to let go to get a real punch in…Five rounds woke me up, I’m ready to fight.”
We’re not sure how Diaz’ buddy Ronda Rousey would feel about him using the female tag as an insult, but she’d probably advise the challenger to make sure he’s ready at the opening bell next time, instead of after twenty five minutes in.
That is, anyway, if Diaz ever even fights again. The veteran re-stated his interest in retiring from the sport he’s competed in professionally since adolescence. “I’m trying to retire,” Diaz said. “I’m trying to get out of this gig, but I would love a rematch. I think I could beat you. I really do, I think I could beat him. I think I could stop the take downs for the first two rounds and get to fight my whole fight and I think I could beat you.”
UFC President Dana White was succinct in shutting down any notion of an immediate title shot for Diaz. “He wouldn’t get a rematch off that fight,” White said. “Johny Hendricks deserves the next shot.”
White also had some advice for Diaz after another strange admission from the California resident. Nick Diaz told the media that he has never paid taxes in his life and that he expects to go to prison for it.
“I’ve never paid taxes in my life,” Diaz revealed.
“I’m probably going to go to jail. And no one wants to hear that kind of talk and what’s going on with me. I might as well just be a kid. I’ve had fight after fight after fight after fight, and you don’t know what that does to somebody who didn’t graduate high school.”
“Holy sh_t. That’s sad,” White said of Diaz’ admission. “You wanna talk about sad? That’s sad. Somebody better handle that with this check and make sure that kid doesn’t end up with nothing.”
Diaz’ manager Cesar Gracie should add getting his client to pay his taxes to the long list of things he should be doing as a part of his job, along with getting him to show up to contractually obligated events.
Oh yeah, Diaz said he slept until 8pm the day of the event and criticized his coaching and teammates as absent and negligent.
Craziness. Anyway, check out video of the full press conference after the jump to get your share of Diaz excuses, Diaz praising St. Pierre, Diaz insulting St. Pierre, and much more.
