(You wouldn’t know it because of the TRT and all, but three years ago, that Jabbawockee looked like this. )
Last Friday, mankind’s ongoing war with common sense and decency united in a copulation of takedowns, face masks, and remorse when Ultimate Ball held its first event at UCMMA 27 in London, England. For some twisted, inexplicable reason, an idea that was best left in the dark recesses of the meth-snorting exercise enthusiast who gave birth to this monstrosity was placed on display for the world to see, immediately leapfrogging “public lynchings” as the most disturbing form of human entertainment ever concocted. Seriously, if XARM, San Do Three-Man Fighting, and ShockFights had sex in the remains of the XFL, the resulting bastard child would be Ultimate Ball.
Check out the “highlights” from the first, and hopefully last, event below. Just make sure your window is closed if you live higher up than the second floor.
The first thing that went through my brain after watching this video (aside from the screwdriver, of course) was the realization that not one, but all religions in fact, are a lie. For there cannot possibly be a God, Allah, or overseeing entity above us that would allow this blasphemy of a sport to exist. You’re going to tell me that not only are there goals mounted to the walls of that pitifully undersized octagon, but eight players and a referee are packed inside?! SFL’s bull fighting ring could not provide nine malnourished children the adequate space for such a “sport”, let alone nine full grown males.
And for that matter, how in the hell is someone suppose to utilize any other aspect of MMA besides the slam when there are seven other people huddled around them? Just look at the rear-naked choke applied at around the 4 minute mark; it looks like a prison rape is going down while the warden waits his turn. We’re going to go ahead and assume that the MMA gloves are purely for show, because we didn’t see even one jab thrown in the entirety of this video. There were a couple nice teeps, but we basically just watched the world’s shittiest, most cramped game of rugby mixed with a few sloppy takedowns, executed by participants in vastly different weight classes. Lord have mercy.
But there is one amazing thing to take away from it, at least for us Americans. No more can our British counterparts mock America for it’s stupidity. Sure, we spawned Jersey Shore, MTV, and Lady Gaga, but none of those even come close to the complete and utter batshit stupidity that is Ultimate Ball. The scales have finally been balanced. Ultimate Ball is professional sports’ answer to Charlie Manson, and should be put to sleep like a dog with rabies before it begins to spread its disease.
I’m sorry for putting you through that video, I truly am. But how can you appreciate life if you’ve never come face-to-face with death?
-J. Jones