For an event that was to be headlined by two of the sports all-time greats, and a supporting cast that was pretty much garbage-ass, it’s disappointing that tonight you have no PPV to watch, no excuse to spend even more time at Hooters, and no good reason not to attend the wedding your girlfriend has been nagging you about going to. But if you thought that was going to stop us from milking this thing for everything its got, you are severely wrong, my friend.
Taking the reigns tonight is longtime CagePotato contributor/Twitter pseudo celebrity Jason Moles. This card will either be a smashing success thanks to the main event or a failure of epic proportions thanks to everything else. Stick around, insult him in the comments section, and be sure to tell all of your friends about the only UFC 151 liveblog on the internet (EVER!) can be found. Now let’s get to it.
Preliminary card results
– Michael Johnson def. Danny Castillo via unanimous decision (29-28 x 2, 30-27)
– Jeff Hougland def. Takeya Mizugaki via submission (triangle choke), 1:12 of round 3
– Tim Means def. Abel Trujillo via TKO, 2:04 of round 1
– Daron Cruickshank def. Henry Martinez via submission (armbar), 2:59 of round 2
– Jacob Volkmann def. Shane Roller via unanimous decision (30-27 x 2, 30-28)
– Charlie Brenneman def. Kyle Noke via TKO due to injury (eyeball popped out of socket; GIF to come ASAP), 4:29 of round 2
John Lineker vs. Yasuhiro Urishitani
Before we get started, I’m not typing Urshitani twenty times so he will be known as YU from here on out. Both men looked pumped. Lots of pressure to start the night of right.
Round 1: Lineker lands a nice leg kick. They both trade a few jabs. YU shoots for the takedown and gets it. Does a little G&P before Lineker wall walks his way up the cage. They separate. Both looking to make their move. It’s YU who gets another takedown. Lineker sweeps, very impressive. Lineker raining down punches. YU grabs hold of his arms. The bell sounds.
Round 2: Lineker comes out guns blazing. YU shoots for a takedown and gets stuffed. Shoots again successfully. Lineker looking for a kimura. He’s got it. Looks to be locked in. Rogan is going bananas! YU escapes and gets butterfly guard. Lineker looking to drop bombs but gets his arm caught. YU has an armbar locked in! There’s the tapout. It’s all over!
Winner: Yasuhiro Urishitani, 2:55 of round 2, submission due to armbar.
Dennis Hallman vs. Thiago Tavares
Ya know, every time I see Hallman wearing anything more than a bananna hammock I do cartwheels around my living room. Tonight is no different.
Round 1: The crowd is already booing. Looked like Tavares may have kicked as Hallman as he was attempting to touch gloves. Not to worry, Hallman is more than game to return the favor with a well-timed kick of his own. Hallman shoots a double leg. Back right up on the feet. Tavares lands a nice hook. Hallman answers with a huge right that sends Tavares to the mat. Tavares is bleeding but gets back to his feet. They clinch. If this were on FX, they’d have to swing by Home Depot for more spray paint — looks someone sacrificed a small animal in there. They break. Hallman lands an elbow backing away. Tavares is hurt but is saved by the horn.
Round 2: Seeing Arianny up close never gets old, amirite? Hallman is attacking like there’s no tomorrow. Lefts and rights flying. Tavares still bleeding like a stuck pig. Tavares moving well, too bad it’s towards Hallman’s right hand. Did this guy not see Bisping vs. Henderson at UFC 100? Hallman cuts him off, slips a hook, and boom! – Tavares is out.
Winner: Dennis Hallman, 1:35 of round 2, KO
It’s not fair to call Dennis Siver a one-trick pony, but it’s not like he’s got an entire arsenal at his disposal either. If there’s one thing Eddie Yagin needed to prepare for, it’s that sick spinning back kick. Siver walking out to “Last Resort” by Papa Roach. Ahh, good times. Yagin proving he’s the more sophisticated music lover with “American Badass” by Kid Rock.
Round 1: Siver opens up with a punch, kick and 3-4 solid strikes. Yagin tries to clinch, gets it. Dirty boxing against the cage. Siver breaks free and drops Yagin with a left head kick. He pounces but Yagin has recovered. Back to the clinch. Yagin shoots for a takedown and fails. Siver gets walked back and peppered with a few jabs followed by a hook. Siver blocks a head kick. End of round one. Feeling out process over, I hope.
Round 2: Siver eats a head kick. Yagin gets the clinch but does nothing. Both men tired of hugging and start fighting. Nice little back and forth here. Not sure what happened but Siver is cut. Yagin gets him against the cage and continues the punishment. Siver moves away and lands a nice body kick. Yagin stays light on his feet and gets another takedown. Full mount and lands several shots to the head. Siver gives up his back. After a scramble, Siver is on top and moves to side control. Horn.
Round 3: Siver’s cut looks nasty. Not goat vagina nasty, but still. Siver finds his range and lands a few body kicks. Excellent head kick cuts Yagin. Spinning back kick!!! Left hook by Siver. Yagin counters. These two are just banging! Another head kick by Siver. Back and forth: I punch you – you punch me. Siver gets taken down, reverses and gets locked in a triangle. Siver powers out of it. On the feet they trade some more. Horn. This one’s going to the judges.
Winner: Dennis Siver, 29-28 Unanimous Decision
Jake Ellenberger vs. Jay Hieron
Ellenberger doesn’t care about the Eminem Curse, trots to the cage as ‘Till I Collapse’ plays over the speakers. Hieron gets his hat stolen by some groupie. That should rake in about tree-fiddy on eBay. I should mention that this isn’t the first time these two have met. At IFL: Championship 2006 “The Thoroughbred” took Ellenberger the full three rounds and won a decision. Will tonight be any different?
Round 1: No feeling out process for these hungry lions. Hieron’s got a lot riding on tonight. Both trade leather. Ellenberger gets a double leg and knocks some sense to the returning UFC fighter. Hieron sweeps and land a few nice shots of his own. Hieron goes for an armbar. HOLY $%&@!!! Jay Hieron taps out Jake Ellenberger!!! Welcome back to the UFC! Just before he talks with Rogan, his corner slips a wreath around his neck. Well, can’t say I saw that one coming.
Winner: Jay Hieron, 1:07 of round 1, submission due to armbar.
Finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Jon “Bones” Jones defends his UFC Light heavyweight title for the first time since driving drunk and crashing his Bentley against 40 year old TRT king, Dan “Hendo” Henderson. If Henderson wins, does that make him the light heavyweight GOAT?
Ahh yes, the extended fight preview to make up for the quick finishes. Now is the time to grab a quick snack or hit the can. You won’t want to miss anything after Buffer starts screaming.
Jones looks nervous, but he always does (I think so, anyway) and he always wins. Henderson looks happy to have a chance to finally win that elusive UFC gold. No matter the outcome, Hendo is a legend and has his spot reserved in the UFC Hall of Fame.
Round 1: Let’s do this! Jones runs across the cage and lands a flying knee. Shoots for a takedown, but Hendo’s wrestling stuffs it almost immediately. Dan shoots and gets a takedown. Hendo can’t hold the young lion. Jones back on his feet but Dan is boxing him into the fence. Henderson trips him and moves into half guard. Jones eats a few punches but manages to escape. Henderson clinches and dirty boxes Jones. Jones drops levels and gets the takedown. Jones cant hold him. Hendo back up. Jones lands a spinning back fist that cuts the former PRIDE champ. End of round 1.
Round 2: Jones using his reach quite well. Lighting up Hendo. Now they’re both trading leather. Hendo bloodies Jones. Never saw this before! Henderson smells blood and gets the takedown. They scramble and both trade top position. Hendo gets full mount but seems too tired to do anything with it. There we go, he’s dropping elbows now. I wonder if Jones even knew he could bleed? Henderson peppers him with pillow punches until the horn. Shouldn’t the ref have stood them up?
Round 3: Dan “waists” no time trying to get the champ to the ground. Jones on his back, Hendo in half guard, a few strikes getting through. Bones blocking most. Henderson finds an opening and rocks Jones. Quickly recovers and back on the feet, Jones is truly being tested for the first time in his pro career. Henderson clinches and tosses him to the mat. Side control and H Bombs are firing. Herb Dean calling for the champ to protect himself . Hendo continues the onslaught. That’s it! We have a new champion! Dan Henderson has now won the most prized crown in all of combat sports: the UFC championship! The crowd is nucking futs. They’ve just witnessed history. Buffer seems ultra exited to declare Henderson the new champ.
Winner: Dan Henderson, 3:10 of round 3, TKO
Henderson says he’s not done fighting yet, but admits it won’t be too long before he hands up the gloves and puts his teeth back in. As all champions should, Henderson tells Rogan that he’ll face whomever Joe Silva and Dana White put in front of him. He then thanks his fans, the UFC, and his sponsors. Surprisingly, no mention of TRT.
Jones apologizes for his performance and apologizes to the fans and the UFC. Joe asks him what’s next and he says he’ll head back to Jackson’s and watch the tape to see what went wrong. Says he’ll be back stronger than ever, and he too, will face anyone they put in the cage with him, unless, you know, it’s on short notice.
End-of-night bonuses:
Submission of the Night: Jay Hieron
KO of the Night: Dennis Hallman
Fight of the Night: John Lineker vs. Yasuhiro Urishitani