Unluckiest SOB Ever Draws Edson Barboza for UFC Debut at ‘UFC on FX 7?


(Sad. He was so young.) 

Not too long ago, I wrote a piece about six of the worst possible opponents debuting UFC fighters have drawn in the past. As I predicted, it was almost universally panned by you Taters, but if I could update the article today, a feller by the name of Lucas “Mineiro” — which I can only assume means “Marked for Death” in Portuguese — Martins would be included somewhere on that list. Because now that Justin Salas has withdrawn from his UFC on FX 7 fight with Edson Barboza, the UFC’s matchmaking department has thrown the poor bastard pictured above into the octagon on short notice in Salas’ place (for his UFC debut, no less), presumably with a steak tied around his neck and a guaranteed bed at the nearest hospital.

Martins record may currently stand at a perfect 10-0, but the combined record of his opponents is just 27-24. Adding to that is the fact that he’ll be taking on an Edson Barboza that is on the heels of his first professional loss and will likely be looking to reestablish himself as one of the top lightweights via Martins’ untimely destruction. So yeah, expect this one to go down in roughly the same fashion as the Anglo-Zanzibar War or Michael Bisping on his prom night, which is to say, quickly.


(Sad. He was so young.) 

Not too long ago, I wrote a piece about six of the worst possible opponents debuting UFC fighters have drawn in the past. As I predicted, it was almost universally panned by you Taters, but if I could update the article today, a feller by the name of Lucas “Mineiro” — which I can only assume means “Marked for Death” in Portuguese – Martins would be included somewhere on that list. Because now that Justin Salas has withdrawn from his UFC on FX 7 fight with Edson Barboza, the UFC’s matchmaking department has thrown the poor bastard pictured above into the octagon on short notice in Salas’ place (for his UFC debut, no less), presumably with a steak tied around his neck and a guaranteed bed at the nearest hospital.

Martins record may currently stand at a perfect 10-0, but the combined record of his opponents is just 27-24. Adding to that is the fact that he’ll be taking on an Edson Barboza that is on the heels of his first professional loss and will likely be looking to reestablish himself as a top lightweight via Martins’ untimely destruction. So yeah, expect this one to go down in roughly the same fashion as the Anglo-Zanzibar War or Michael Bisping on his prom night, which is to say, quickly. I just pray the EMT’s have a fisherman’s net handy to catch Martins’ head when it is inevitably removed from his shoulders via Barboza’s robot thunderlegs. Because casual MMA fans are judgmental and easily impressionable to boot, and we wouldn’t want them to witness how backwards and barbaric the sport we love truly is while discussing the fiscal cliff over black garlic-rubbed salmon croquettes and strawberry-infused champagne, the yuppie bastards.

Sorry, I’ve been watching a shitload of Iron Chef lately. But if you think I’m just being presumptive here, feel free to correct me in the comments section. Go ahead. Do it.

UFC on FX 7 goes down on January 19th in Rio and features a headlining middleweight matchup between Michael Bisping and Vitor Belfort.

Related: Vitor Belfort seduces your mom in the new UFC on FX 7 trailer.

–J. Jones