The Next *Next* Big Dumb Thing is Here: “Footbrawl”

Maybe it’s just me, but my apathy for all the stupid, knock-off, hybrid MMA sports that have been created in the past few years has reached levels I previously thought unimaginable. Less than a year ago, I would have come across something as — for lack of a better word — retarded as Footbrawl and immediately launched into a three to five hundred word diatribe in which I explained to you exactly how retarded something like Footbrawl truly is. I would have pointed out that, sure, grappling is cool, but it loses some of its luster (or at least its practicality) when two men holding American Gladiator-style jousting sticks repeatedly doink you from above. That last sentence is only gay if you are.

Furthermore, I would have relentlessly mocked the minds behind this sportbortion for daring to combine Ultimate Ball and Jiu-Jitsu with the God’s honest intent of entertainment. I would have waxed poetic about a sport that, when carried out, most closely resembles a Plutonian laundromat riot circa 2033. But the XARM’s, the Wheeled Warriors, and the Warrior Islands of the past few years have all but completely desensitized me to the stupidity of humankind. And this shit doesn’t even have a Tater Williams.

So I beg of you, Potato Nation, to pick up where I have failed in the comments section. Trash this sport. Trash the ever-loving hell out of it.


(Just so we don’t come across as completely negative, a cheers is in order for whoever decided upon using Rage Against the Machine for background music. And that’s where the compliments stop.)

Maybe it’s just me, but my apathy for all the stupid, knock-off, hybrid MMA sports that have been created in the past few years has reached levels I previously thought unimaginable. Less than a year ago, I would have come across something as — for lack of a better word — retarded as Footbrawl and immediately launched into a three to five hundred word diatribe in which I explained to you exactly how retarded something like Footbrawl truly is. I would have pointed out that, sure, grappling is cool, but it loses some of its luster (or at least its practicality) when two men holding American Gladiator-style jousting sticks repeatedly doink you from above. That last sentence is only gay if you are.

Furthermore, I would have relentlessly mocked the minds behind this sportbortion for daring to combine Ultimate Ball and Jiu-Jitsu with the God’s honest intent of entertainment. I would have waxed poetic about a sport that, when carried out, most closely resembles a Plutonian laundromat riot circa 2033. But the XARM’s, the Wheeled Warriors, and the Warrior Islands of the past few years have all but completely desensitized me to the stupidity of humankind. And this shit doesn’t even have a Tater Williams.

So I beg of you, Potato Nation, to pick up where I have failed in the comments section. Trash this sport. Trash the ever-loving hell out of it. Trash it until someone claiming to be the CEO of Footbrawl is forced to defend the sport via several poorly-written comments. Hell, trash me for even recognizing its existence. And when you’re through with that, trash the Jets for sucking so bad at everything, because fuck ‘em. Several sources have declared the CP comments section to be “the cesspool of the MMA world,” so let’s see if we can lower that bar from “cesspool” to “AIDS-infested shithole” with this article. Make me proud, ladies and gents.

–J. Jones