(Seagal, seen here donning various items of clothing he had stolen from the cubbies of children he cared so dearly for.)
Somewhere between Hard to Kill and Cockpuncher, Steven Seagal experienced a Christ-like resurrection of his career using only the power of audacity and the “free member for life” coupon to Old Country Buffet he had secured through a sponsorship deal in 1989. Seemingly overnight, the aging sensei emerged from a bargain bin of straight-to-DVD cop films (which to be fair, is a game he’ll never truly leave behind) and gut-bustingly awful musical endeavors to become the personal mentor of the pound-for-pound greatest fighter in the world, inventor of the front kick, and a “respected” member of the law enforcement community. Like the Phoenix who rose out of the Arby’s wrappers of its former self, Seagal was able to successfully come back from the dead and reconnect with semi-fame. And he is not letting go this time.
Take the events of this past weekend, for instance, in which Seagal was able to use said fame to join forces with the Maricopa County Police Department and assemble a posse (his words, not mine) of school shooting response specialists. Because if anyone knows how to react to a real life crisis situation, it’s the guy who has made a career terribly pretending to react to fake ones.
After the jump: A video snippet of this hilariously misguided endeavor, featuring paintball warfare, some misplaced picketing, and a surprising lack of firing range goggles*.
“You’re not doctors and lawyers, you’re cops. When you yell at somebody ‘Get down on the ground!’ they gotta do it. If they don’t do it, you better make them comply. Quick. For every second that goes by you could be losing children.”
Yep, that was the kind of profound advice actual men of the law received from a guy who played one on TV. And before you try to bring Seagal’s credentials into play, know this: Steven Seagal is as much a cop as Shaquille O’Neal is one, and attempting to argue this point will only make you look like an asshole. You don’t see Dennis Leary patrolling the streets of NYC and ordering on-scene fireman to “Throw more water on the fire, because water kills fire,” nor will you ever hear about the time Sean Astin served as defensive coordinator for Notre Dame, because that shit is supposed to work the other way around.
The Maricopa County Police Department’s decision to involve Seagal in such a controversial affair would be even more baffling if you didn’t first realize that they have all but given the guy the keys to their armory and a judge-approved “Fuck you, I’m Steven Seagal” pass to do whatever the hell he wants. This was the same police department that agreed to participate in the Segal-starring reality show afterbirth known as Lawman, and the same department that once allowed Seagal to bust up a cockfight with a tank that in turn led to just one arrest and the deaths of 150 chickens. If only we were making that up.
What does any of this have to do with MMA? Nothing, but if Sensei Seagal is going to continuously find ways to forcibly penetrate my psyche, than you Taters are going to share the brunt of it with me.
*Seriously, can someone explain to me why Seagal wears firing range goggles to an MMA fight, a movie premier, or a return trip to the OCB, but when an actual occasion in which they might be appropriate arrives, he dons a scarf? It’s like he’s laughing at us while laughing with us.