Aleksander Emelianenko Simply Cannot Stop Being Arrested For Horrifying Sh*t


(“Please, Mr. Bones, tell me more about this ‘persecution complex’ you speak of.”)

For a former monk or a guy who at least spent a decent amount of time around them, Aleksander Emelianenko seems to have almost no understanding of concepts like self-control, humility, or respect for his fellow man (I hear he bakes a mean pumpernickel, though). In the past year, Emelianenko non-Fedor has gone full off the deep end, assaulting an elderly man on his birthday in a Moscow cafe, terrorizing a plane full of unwitting passengers, and winding up on Russia’s “Most Wanted” list for a bizarre combination of passport theft and housekeeper abuse.

And now, he’s went and committed perhaps the most despicable act of them all: Sexual Assault. Although details remain up in the air at the moment, MMABoxing.ru is reporting that the former PRIDE star is currently in custody and facing a possible prison sentence of four-to-six years, with the charges against him including everything from theft to sexual assault. Said the unidentified victim’s lawyer:

First, the court should extend Emelianenko’s arrest, which ends June 30. And we will defend our position that he is a threat to society. Most likely, Emelianenko will get imprisonment from four-to-six years. We will insist on that.


(“Please, Mr. Bones, tell me more about this ‘persecution complex’ you speak of.”)

For a former monk or a guy who at least spent a decent amount of time around them, Aleksander Emelianenko seems to have almost no understanding of concepts like self-control, humility, or respect for his fellow man (I hear he bakes a mean pumpernickel, though). In the past year, Emelianenko non-Fedor has gone full off the deep end, assaulting an elderly man on his birthday in a Moscow cafe, terrorizing a plane full of unwitting passengers, and winding up on Russia’s “Most Wanted” list for a bizarre combination of passport theft and housekeeper abuse.

And now, he’s went and committed perhaps the most despicable act of them all: Sexual Assault. Although details remain up in the air at the moment, MMABoxing.ru is reporting that the former PRIDE star is currently in custody and facing a possible prison sentence of four-to-six years, with the charges against him including everything from theft to sexual assault. Said the unidentified victim’s lawyer:

First, the court should extend Emelianenko’s arrest, which ends June 30. And we will defend our position that he is a threat to society. Most likely, Emelianenko will get imprisonment from four-to-six years. We will insist on that.

Something tells me this poor woman’s lawyer won’t have all too difficult a time proving that Emelianenko is a “threat to society.” Multiple assaults, thefts, drunk and disorderlies…all Aleks needs is a bath salt-fueled B&E to capture the Mayhem Miller Triple Crown of Douchebaggery, for Christ’s sake.

Of course, one has to wonder how Emelianenko has managed to avoid imprisonment for the bevy of charges he was facing prior to his most recent arrest. Thankfully, I’ve done some extensive research on this subject and think I’ve come up with an answer…


Yes, goooood. Let the hepatitis flow through you.

We will have more on this story as it develops, but in the meantime, let’s just go ahead and slap a CagePotato Ban on Aleksander Emelianenko as a human being.

–J. Jones