(via Getty Images/Instagram)
Following her superstar-making performance against Bethe Correia at UFC 190 last weekend, it was revealed that Ronda Rousey would be bestowed with the highest honor of celebrity achievable in today’s society: A porn parody based upon her life.
Entitled Ronda ArouseMe: Grounded and Pounded, the parody from Burning Angel productions will star Kleio Valentien (pictured above) in the titular role, as well as Sammie Six in the role of Rousey’s nemesis, “Miesha Taint.” But because this is the internet, and because the line between pornography and mixed martial arts has always been a thin one, we’ve decided to go ahead and play casting (couch) agent for this surefire AVN awards sweeper, along with some help from the UG.
Krissy Lynn as “Ronda ArouseMe”
With all due respect to Ms. (Mrs?) Valentien, who I’m sure is a lovely, incredibly capable performer, she does not look a thing like Ronda Rousey. Pornography is about nothing if not true-to-life accuracy — which, as a former pizza delivery boy, I can attest to personally — so to have a heavily-tattooed actress with no athletic background play Ronda in a movie about her life is as insulting as having, I dunno, Tom Cruise play Jack Reacher.
According to a biography of Ms. Valentien I found on a site that I cannot link to, she enjoys “when a man takes control and tells me what to do.” This is almost certainly not how Ronda Rousey gets down behind closed doors — she has sex with *you*, not the other way around. Krissy Lynn, however, both looks more like Rousey than Valentien and “enjoys hiking, exercising, and living a healthy lifestyle.” (source: IMDB) What else do you need to know? MAKE THE SWITCH, BURNING ANGEL.
Rachel Starr as “Miesha Taint”
Again, because we’re all about accuracy in cinema here at CagePotato, in order to cast an actress in the role of Miesha Tate, you must first get inside the head of Miesha Tate. Or at least, inside the head of her fans. Tell me, when you guys (and gals) think of Tate, what’s the first thing you think of? Her career-defining win over Marloes Coenen, maybe? Her relationship with notable d-bag Bryan Caraway, perhaps? Or is it DAT ASS?
The fact is, Ms. Tate has one of the finest keisters in the business, if not *the* finest, and she has never been afraid to use it as a marketing tool. Likewise, the woman cast in her likeness should probably be recognized for her posterior first and foremost. Enter Rachel Starr (phrasing), who according to her profile on TheRichest, “is known for her bubbly big butt.” (Well put, TheRichest. Well put indeed.) She is also known as one of the hardest working, biggest stars in the industry, with a professional career dating back to 2007. You know who else’s professional career dates back to 2007? Miesha Tate. I rest my case.
Will Powers as “Bangya Right”
FACT: Ronda Rousey would still be hip-tossing dude-bros inside strip mall movie theaters if it wasn’t for Dana White, the brash, cocky UFC president who once claimed that “women would never fight in the UFC.” That was until he laid eyes on Ronda Rousey, of course, and THE GAME DUN CHANGED. Within a couple years, White was calling Rousey “the biggest star we’ve ever had” and “a f*cking Diaz brother trapped in this beautiful body.” If that latter statement doesn’t scream Intro Line Before a Sex Scene, I don’t know what does.
Carmen Valentina as “Sara McGams”
What, you think we’re going to cast an adult film without including our resident expert in the field? A movie based on the life of one Ronda Rousey, pornographic or otherwise, would be inadequate without including the Olympian vs. Olympian battle that took place at UFC 170. Carmen is a more knowledgeable MMA fan than anyone else in the biz, she’s got an ass that men write symphonies about, and she’s a GSP fan, so you know her wrestling game is On. Point. I don’t care what kinda strings Burning Angel has to pull to sign Carmen, they need this bonafide authority on MMA if they ever hope to achieve a legitimate end product.
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