(Just a typical 5 p.m. in the life of Danga.)
Anyone who knows anything about UFCs and MMAs knows that the best fights are never found on the hoity-toity main card or even the highfalutin FX undercard on a channel that takes two of your friends a TV guide and Encarta ’97 to find. No, it’s a well known fact amongst us MMA media types that the best fights *always* go down during the Facebook preliminaries. “That’s where the real action is,” Ariel Helwani once told me, Danga, while pointing to the champagne room of a Tijuana strip club called La Mula Triste, but I think his words of wisdom can be applied to FB prelims as well.
Anyways, I just took a popper and feel like drunkblogging my way through the Fight for the Troops 3: Kennedy vs. Natal because there’s fuck all to write about besides. In my apartment I have: A bottle of Beam, a 12-pack of Lagunitas IPA, a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, and a nip of Svedka, so lets do this!
Derek Brunson vs. Brian Houston
Round 1: Fight for the Troops cards are notoriously violent so let’s see how this goes-HOLY SHIT! Brunson nails Houston with a picture perfect roundhouse to the dome and follows him to the mat where, after a little struggle, he finishes Houston off with a rear-naked choke.
Brunson def. Houston via rear-naked choke 0:48 of round 1.
And the bottle of Beam is open.
Jesus, that was so fast I wasn’t even able to explain the rules of the drinking game I will be playing for these prelims. They are as follows:
Crowd shot of cheering soldiers – 1 drink
Crane shot of military equipment – 2 drinks
1st round finish – 1 shot
2nd round finish – 2 shots
3rd round finish – chug drink
Additionally, I will take a swig for each Goldberganism, each Rogan freak out and each time the name “Yancy” is spoken. Yancy.
Neil Magny vs. Seth Baczynski
Round 1: Baczynski with a pair of leg kicks and a nice right to start. Fuck that name, I’m calling him Bski. Bski pushes Magny into the fence. Big John McCarthy separates the two after a minute and Bski fires off an overhand right that lands. Magny clinches and they battle for position before BJ separates them again. Bski snags a double and slams Magny to the mat but gets hit with a good shot from the bottom. Bski to half guard then full mount, landing a few body shots before the bell ends. 10-9 Bski.
Round 2: Man, this crowd is fired up. They’re treating every landed punch like an ultimate diss in a Yo Momma episode. Remember that show? God it was terrible. Anyways, the first minute and a half of this one is all clinch before Big John separates them. Bski lands another nice right hand and tries for a takedown but is reversed and were back to a clinch battle. Magny with a right. Bski dives for another takedown but appears to be fading. Big John calls for a time as Magny’s glove tap is loose. Bski gets his takedown on the restart. After landing a couple elbows, Bski moves to half guard and lands some elbows as the rounds ends. 10-9 Bski
The soldiers are literally counting down the final five seconds of each round in unison. SHould a fight end via spinning heel kick, I’m quite certain the roof will ‘splode. Anyways, I just ripped another popper because fuck you.
Round 3: Magny lands a right and the two clinch up. Knees to the midsection from Bski. They break briefly and Bski goes for another takedown. He gets Magny down for a second before he is reversed. Magny with some nice knees now. Big John breaks ‘em up and Bski with another nice takedown. Joe Rogan is really impressed with Magny’s hand strength, so I’ll call it a half freak out and take a swig of some wine. The two get back to their feet and Magny lands a big takedown but Bski pops back up. Magny unloading with some nice shots and snags another takedown. Bski gets to his feet and the two swing to the finish. 10-9 Magny
Seth Baczynski def. Neil Magny via unanimous decision (29-28 x3)
Yves Edwards vs. Yancy Medeiros
Oh boy, they’ve already said Yancy twice. This fight is going to be rough on my liver. Three times. CURSE YOU YANCY!!!!
Yves Edwards’ walkout music sounds like Shaggy is being rectally force fed a steel drum.
Round 1: Yancy comes out aggro for a guy named Yancy, trading low/body kicks with Edwards. Left hook Yancy. Body kick Yves. Edwards with a nice left hook. Yancy is throwing front kicks and Yves is answering with right hooks. Yancy tells Edwards to bring it and Edwards does with a few more rights. Out of nowhere, Yancy clips Yves with an uppercut and pounds him out for the victory. Son of a bitch, Yancy.
Yancy Medeiros def. Yves Edwards via KO at 2:47 of round 1
Well, there goes the nip of Svedka. Ditto for Yves’ UFC career, one would assume, as that’s three straight for the longtime vet. At this time, I’d like to personally thank Yves for a ridiculously entertaining caree-APACHE HELICOPTER SHOT. Drink drink!
Chris Camozzi vs. Lorenz Larkin
Chris Camozzi looks like a guy who knows where that good crystal is at, know what I’m saying? Larkin, on the other hand, is coming out to James Brown’s “Living in America” which makes me think that he is going to get beat to death in this fight. THROW IN THE TOWEL, ROCK!
Round 1: Herb Dean is our ref, which reminds me that I need to re-up with my weed guy. Inside leg kick Camozzi. The two trade front kicks, then oblique kicks like a couple ‘a pussies. Counter left from a retreating Larking, then a straight right that drops him! Camozzi recovers and is back up and lands a leg kick. Front kick to the body by Larkin. Inside leg kick Camozzi, who is getting off first. Flying knee Camozzi and a left hook. I’m not scoring this because I stopped paying attention to pack a binger halfway through this.
Round 2: Camozzi with some more leg kicks. Larkin appears to be aiming for Camozzi’s gloves like he is hitting mits. Nice straight right by Larkin that jacks back the head of Camozzi. Camozzi tries another flying knee and they clinch. Larkin with a weak leg kick on the break. Camozzi’s nose is bloodied up but they trade leg kicks. Nice left by Camozzi. Larkin cuts Camozzi with a left and they clinch again. A couple nice standing elbows from Larkin have really busted up Camozzi, who simply will not stop coming forward. Probably on account of the meth. 10-9 Larkin
Round 3: The two trade body kicks to start the round. Larkin with a nice jab and the two trade leg kicks. Huge right hand by Larkin, who is just the quicker man. Camozzi whifs a head kick. Camozzi is visibly worn down but refuses to quit. Some brutal elbows and rights from Larkin in the clinch. Camozzi has Larkin pinned against the fence and Larkin lands some more elbows. My God this crowd is awesome, and Camozzi cheers them on while getting beat up in the clinch. I’ll have what he’s having, amiright? *crickets* Larkin lands some spinning shit to close things out and that’s all she wrote. 10-9 Larkin
Lorenz Larkin def. Chris Camozzi via unanimous decision (30-27 x2 29-28)
Well, that’s it for me, Nation. I’m going to go take a piss off the balcony and yell at stray cats. Enjoy your fancy FS1 fights you bunch ‘a bitches.