(Mark, are you giving up?! I need a sign Mark! Literally *any* sign! No? Well, fight on then!” via Getty.)
By CP Reader Steve Hand
It’s hard to believe that a night which saw five fighters finished inside of three minutes could feature so many late stoppages, but such is the incompetency of the modern MMA referee (second only to that of, you guessed it, Frank Stallone the MMA judge). Without using too much hyperbole, I feel comfortable saying that UFC 184 was the biggest reffing travesty since the 2007 NBA Betting Scandal, and maybe of all time. And with that, let’s take a look at just how bad the ball was dropped over the course of the night.
4. Derrick Lewis TKO’s Ruan Potts
Ruan Potts might be the worst heavyweight to fight in the UFC since that guy Gabriel Gonzaga superman punched back in 06′ (and don’t even get me started on his nickname), yet even he almost managed to pull off a leglock of some sort in the early-going of his fight with “The Black Beast.” Once Lewis escaped, however, Potts had no answer for the bigger man’s striking, and even tried to quit in between rounds. His corner wouldn’t have it, and referee Jarin Valel, having apparently never been to an MMA fight before, stood by watching with almost giddy anticipation.
“I can’t wait to see my first murder up close,” he thought to himself. “You should have never slept with my wife, Ruan, you son of a bitch.”
A minute and a half after Joe Rogan verbally threw in the towel for Potts, Valel crouched down for an even closer look. Or maybe he lost a contact, because he definitely wasn’t watching what I was watching. Lewis continued to reign down shots on a clearly broken Potts while Valel did a J nearby, then passed out in a weed-induced haze. It wasn’t until the crunching sound of the South African’s face woke him up that the fight was finally called off.
3. Jake Ellenberger North-South Chokes Josh Koscheck
LOOK AT IT. LOOK AT THE HORROR.
For those of you who might’ve missed it: Jake Ellenberger locked in a modified north-south choke on Koscheck in the final minute of the second round. Roughly 25 seconds after Kos’ body began to twitch and squirm in an attempt for air, the legend JARIN VALEL decided to step in. Did you see the foam spewing from Koscheck’s face? The look in his eyes says it all: “It’s an honor to have my unconscious pleas ignored by you, the GREATEST REF working today.”
Let me be clear: Jarin Valel should never be allowed to referee another MMA fight again. He’s going to get someone killed, and then the NSAC will be up shit creek without a paddle.
2. Roan Carneiro’s “Submission” of Mark Munoz
This was actually an even fight for the 45 seconds it was on the feet. When it got to the ground however, Carneiro took Munoz’s back and tightened up a super deep RNC. Referee Jarin Valel, THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS, proceeded to tie his shoes as Munoz began to go towards the light. Even from such an up-close perspective, Valel simply could not see Munoz’s soul escaping his body, so Roan, the nice guy that he is, tells him the fight is over. Yup, the guy doing the choking had to submit for his opponent.
This was the real-life equivalent of the guy in South Park who declared “All right boys, break it up” following a five-minute cripple fight. Note to Valel: When the guy doing the strangling tells you he’s done, YOU’RE NOT DOING YOUR JOB!
But for all of Valel’s life-threatening guffaws, the worst stoppage of the night by far goes to…
1. Joe Rogan Interviews Cat Zingano Following Her Quick Loss to Ronda Rousey
18 months of anticipation lead to 14 seconds she’ll regret forever. There’s a sex joke to made somewhere in there, but I’m simply not prepared to make it in light of this interviewing travesty.
You can see Cat trying to make sense of her greatest opportunity slipping through her fingers when Joe Rogan tries to have a chat. He inquires a visibly uncomfortable Zingano about her strategy, and she’s got nothing but F bombs to drop. It’s ugly. There is no eye contact and no coherent sentences coming from the former challenger, and yet, Rogan lets it go on. Zingano is crushed, obviously, and all Joe wants is a sound bite and a handshake. Thanks Joe Rogan, for making her relive her greatest regret at a time when she shouldn’t be talking.
Ugh, I need a shower to wash off this filth. Better luck next time, MMA.