Six Reasons Nick Diaz Needs More Money

(Apparently, California’s hands-free law doesn’t apply to giving both fingers to a videocamera.)

By Jason Moles

For quite some time now Strikeforce Welterweight Champion Nick Diaz has complained at great length about how he wants more money. Apparently earning a cool $175,000 (not including sponsorships) for treating Paul Daley like a punching bag just isn’t enough.  Who could blame him though, what with gas prices topping over $4 a gallon? All kidding aside though (yeah, right!) here are the top six reasons Diaz needs to get some Mayweather money:

Hire A Personal Interviewer

As we’ve said in the past, Nick Diaz is the best/worst interview in the entire world.  However, after taking Dana’s advice about learning to play the game, Nick is going to have to hire his own private interviewer/translator. With a new found favor in the media’s heart, he’s sure to finally make bank. Warning to anyone who takes this job: Don’t start $%*#, won’t be $%*#!

Pay Exorbitant Amount of Money for his Sponsors

Although it may seem counter intuitive to ask for more money just so you can pay for someone else to do something, this is not the case.  Diaz will pay the UFC $100,000 just so he can have a logo slapped on his ass and get a lifetime supply of free rolling papers – something this Stockton native couldn’t possibly get enough of.

Good Lawyers Aren’t Cheap

Step 1: Jump innocent bystander. Step 2: Throw water bottle at same bystander’s head. Step 3: Profit? Yeah, we’re scratching our head too. Mayhem Miller got banned from CBS and Showtime for his part in the infamous Strikeforce Brawl — on national television no less, while Diaz continued his streak of dominance and retained his championship belt. Miller ends up on the bottom of a dog pile while getting curb stomped by the Scrap Pack and Diaz is the center of the most shared picture of the whole shebang. So how did Diaz avoid a more serious punishment? He called in a few favors. Unfortunately for him, if he doesn’t pay up soon, he’ll be making appearances at birthday parties and family reunions until he’s old enough for the Senior discount at Old Country Buffet.

Munchies

Smoke, train, eat munchies, smoke, slap b*thches, smoke, train, smoke, eat munchies, practice mean-mug, smoke, and finally eat more munchies. Eventually it adds up.

Needs to Hire Steven Seagal

First it was Anderson Silva dropping Vitor Belfort like a sack of bricks with an thunderous kick to the face. Bet he didn’t expect that, bro. Then it was Lyoto Machida crane kicking the dentures out of past his prime, washed up Grandpa Couture. How’s that saying go? “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”? OK, we get it. Grand Master Seagal is a badass that shouldn’t be #$@%&*! with and he’s the equivalent of a rabbit’s foot in your corner. If Nick wants to challenge himself and rake in some serious dough, he’ll need to solve the riddle that is GSP and his Superman punch. Only one man knows the answer.

A Bigger House…

Forget what Scott Coker said, Nick wants a house that’s not in the 209. Who could blame him? Sometimes it’s just nice to not have to worry about getting shot up in a drive by or having your rims jacked while you’re sleeping after a hard training session down at Cesar’s. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to afford to pay someone else to cook your food and wash your laundry? Speaking of washing, we know just the guy to show you the ropes in the real estate market.