(Props: Fox Sports)
By CP Reader Ramsey O’Shea
If the circulating reports have any truth to them, it looks like Ronda Rousey will make her next title defense against Bethe Correia in the main event of UFC 190 on August 1st. According to my local gambling expert, Vegas oddsmakers should list Rousey as something around a kajillion-to-one favorite over her Brazilian opponent out of the gate, a betting line which will only continue to swing in Rousey’s favor as fight night approaches.
This is not what you’d call a gambler’s paradise, folks, so much so that I asked the top statistician I know to punch up some numbers and find me a handful things more likely to occur than a Bethe Correia win at UFC 190. Here’s what he came up with…
Vitor Belfort Beating Chris Weidman at UFC 187 — 3.5 to 1
Crazier things have happened, right? Anthony Pettis was being listed as high as a 5-to-1 favorite over Rafael Dos Anjos until homeboy From Angels laid a royal ass-whipping on him last weekend. And like Pettis, Weidman has also spent more time sidelined with injury than defending his title since he won it back in 2013.
Vitor Belfort, on the other hand, is a (Jesus) juiced-up ball o’ crazy who once sent Dan Henderson into orbit with an uppercut, so if he’s able to land on Weidman early, it wouldn’t be impossible to think that he could put the champ away. While Correia possesses some solid power of her own, Rousey is arguably just as dangerous on the feet nowadays (and most certainly quicker), which all but negates Correia’s only chance at victory.
The Entirety of Rousey vs. Correia Being Viewable in a Vine — 5 to 1
Now this is one I’m strongly considering. Cat Zingano was the #1 ranked bantamweight heading into her fight with Rousey (and not in a “Dennis Siver is suddenly top 10″ kind of way, either), and she last 14 seconds. Bethe Correia is currently ranked #7 (which, I guess?), which means she should last approximately….mathmathmath….two seconds. Hell, they’ll even be able to fit Joe Rogan’s verbal humiliation of Correia after the fight is over into that Vine as well.
Being Diagnosed with Prostate Cancer: 6 to 1
Here are the facts:
1. There were around 220,000 cases of prostate cancer diagnosed in the US alone last year.
2. Prostate cancer is second only to lung cancer in terms of commonality.
3. More than a third of prostate cancer cases are diagnosed in men aged over 75 years.
Here are some more facts:
1. Ronda Rousey has only been listed as anything *less* than a 6-1 favorite once in her UFC career (against Sara McMann at UFC 170).
2. It was almost unanimously agreed upon that Correia dropped the first round of her fight against Baszler.
3. Shayna Baszler fights like a 75 year old man.
The connections are all there if you’re willing to look for them, is all I’m saying.
Being Picked on The Price is Right – 36 to 1
Bethe may not stand a snowball’s chance in Hell against Rousey, but seeing her perform her patented victory dance next to a bewildered/emasculated Drew Carey? I’d bet a dollar on that coming to fruition.
What I wouldn’t bet a dollar on, on the other hand, would be the fight I mentioned earlier.
Fast and Furious 7 Topping Furious 6 – 12,800 to 1
I mean, did you guys even see Furious 6? It had Gina Carano, you guys. You guys, the Rock clotheslined an even bigger The Rock in one scene that took place in an airplane cargo hold. IT HAD A TANK CHASE ON A BRIDGE, YOU GUYS.
The point is, no matter how fast and/or furious Fast and Furious 7 is, it can in no way be more fast and furious than Fast and Furious 6 was. The bar has simply been set too high furious. That being said, the mere inclusion of Rousey’s name in the cast list makes Fast 7 a more solid bet than anything which doesn’t include Rousey’s name (the phrase “Bethe Correia: Bantamweight Champion” for instance).
Dying From Contact with Hot Tap Water: 5,005,564 to 1
First off, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that this joke has gone on for far too long.
“I was willing to play along with your increasingly hyperbolic attempts at explaining how screwed Bethe Correia is,” you said to yourself, “But hot tap water, CP? Really?! THIS IS WHY YOU NEED CROWDFUNDING TO SURVIVE.”
And you’re right, you really should consider donating to CP’s Patreon, but also, I argue that the idea of Ronda Rousey vs. Hot Tap Water is no more ludicrous than the idea of Rousey vs. A Man, or Rousey vs. Laila Ali for that matter. All three matchups have literally the exact same chance of being booked, so there. #PointGryffindor
Secondly, do not — I repeat, DO NOT — overlook how dangerous a glass of tap water can be. We all saw the effect it had on those aliens in the 2002 documentary Signs, and now you’re adding HEAT into the equation? Goodnight, Irene. Which isn’t even to mention the fact that tap water is not physically capable of possessing arms, which gives it a huge advantage in this completely fictional matchup against the current champ.
Am I saying that hot tap water would have a better chance against Ronda Rousey than Bethe Correia? Not at all. I’m saying that I’d sooner bet on old Irene up there croaking after burning her tongue than I would on Bethe beating Ronda. Not that I feel the need to defend these numbers, mind you, as I can assure you that they were given to me by a top numbers man.
In conclusion, Ronda Rousey will win. Bethe Correia will not. Eat more tomatoes.