(Props: LukeCummo13. You’ve got some competition, Quinn.)
By Matt Saccaro
“Whatever happened to that guy?” is a common question MMA fans ask about retired or forgotten fighters. Usually, the answer is boring and mundane — except when Luke Cummo is involved.
Cummo’s exploits outside the cage have gotten consistently more entertaining as time has gone on. One day he’s getting busted for a DWI, the next day he’s snorting urine. Now, he’s reforming (and hating) the sport of mixed martial arts.
“It’s called MMA but it’s very dangerous. Trust me. I’ve been there. It’s damaging — to children…As a parent, I would never recommend fighting for somebody’s baby,” Cummo said in a recent video on his YouTube channel that you can watch above. “It’s a mindless, stupid industry profiting from the spilled blood of the innocent, honest to god.”
Cummo took issue with MMA gloves and how they don’t protect people from knees and elbows, as well as the inherent violence in MMA.
“You have to put on gloves…but then you’re gonna kick and you’re gonna knee and you’re gonna elbow the other guy — somebody’s baby. There’s no padding on those things…and that’s another living being over there, a precious life. I feel for you as a soldier. I used to be one. You’re not a stupid beast. Nobody is. You’re not a programmable killing machine. You are, still, now and for all time, your parent’s baby to be cherished and nourished, not to kill or be killed. That’s old school, we’re cutting edge over here.”
He stated that we’re all someone’s child so often that I wonder if he was trying to reference “Grift of the Magi” — an episode of The Simpsons where a greedy company says all their profits are going to kids since we’re all someone’s kid. But given the sometimes-frantic tone of Cummo’s voice throughout his vlog, I doubt it.
Cummo continued about how he wanted to change MMA.
“It’s called Against the Cage and we are reforming the current system of martial arts practice to be more safe and enjoyable for all ages and experience levels because your practice over here…it could be fun, it could be really fun, seriously. But up to this moment you could’ve been locked in a cage, unfortunately, and taught that it’s OK to hurt someone else — or worse. But it’s not. You’re a living being and your life is worth far more, far, far more than what has been acceptable in the past in this promoted live-hard, die fast lifestyle. No. We’re going to live long and prosper, baby!”
Enter Cummo’s solution to the MMA killbot factory: A point-fighting martial arts tournament called League of Assassins — not the one from the comics (unless Luke Cummo is, in fact, Ra’s al Ghul and it’s been Lazarus, not piss, that he’s been snorting this whole time). Here’s what he had to say about it in another video:
“Getting punched in the head is not healthy, trust me. I did it for years and I’m messed up because of it. That’s why I’m telling you, it’s for everybody’s best interest. Don’t let those babies do MMA. If they are, if you’re dead set on practicing martial arts which I think could be a beautiful thing, what I do is called the League of Assassins…We don’t do knockouts, that’s silly. Why would you want to do that? Then it’s game over. Don’t break any bones, that’s not good either.
When we do our training in the league, we say it’s only one league, all one. And we’re doing it together; we don’t want to hurt anyone. We want to build up value. And every time you do a technique, you get more value and we can rank up. In this league, there’s some mythical beasts instead of belts. It’s a whole system.”
The belt-rank system based on animals sounds amazing. Do you reach the rank of T-Rex when you defeat Luke Rockhold? Did Snoop Dogg become Snoop Lion after running up his XP meter?
Cummo had lots of other stuff to say. The topics he covered were far too numerous and nebulous to cover at length here, but suffice it to say that he mentioned how counting wasn’t natural, how he drinks baking soda mixed with orange juice (the “cutting edge of science,” he called it) and how fighting “demineralized” him. Now that he’s got your attention, check out the rest of Luke Cummo’s fascinating videos right here.