Tag: Cris Cyborg

Dream-Casting the Upcoming Ronda Rousey Porn Parody, ‘Ronda ArouseMe’


(via Getty Images/Instagram)

Following her superstar-making performance against Bethe Correia at UFC 190 last weekend, it was revealed that Ronda Rousey would be bestowed with the highest honor of celebrity achievable in today’s society: A porn parody based upon her life.

Entitled Ronda ArouseMe: Grounded and Pounded, the parody from Burning Angel productions will star Kleio Valentien (pictured above) in the titular role, as well as Sammie Six in the role of Rousey’s nemesis, “Miesha Taint.” But because this is the internet, and because the line between pornography and mixed martial arts has always been a thin one, we’ve decided to go ahead and play casting (couch) agent for this surefire AVN awards sweeper, along with some help from the UG.

The post Dream-Casting the Upcoming Ronda Rousey Porn Parody, ‘Ronda ArouseMe’ appeared first on Cagepotato.


(via Getty Images/Instagram)

Following her superstar-making performance against Bethe Correia at UFC 190 last weekend, it was revealed that Ronda Rousey would be bestowed with the highest honor of celebrity achievable in today’s society: A porn parody based upon her life.

Entitled Ronda ArouseMe: Grounded and Pounded, the parody from Burning Angel productions will star Kleio Valentien (pictured above) in the titular role, as well as Sammie Six in the role of Rousey’s nemesis, “Miesha Taint.” But because this is the internet, and because the line between pornography and mixed martial arts has always been a thin one, we’ve decided to go ahead and play casting (couch) agent for this surefire AVN awards sweeper, along with some help from the UG.

Krissy Lynn as “Ronda ArouseMe”

With all due respect to Ms. (Mrs?) Valentien, who I’m sure is a lovely, incredibly capable performer, she does not look a thing like Ronda Rousey. Pornography is about nothing if not true-to-life accuracy — which, as a former pizza delivery boy, I can attest to personally — so to have a heavily-tattooed actress with no athletic background play Ronda in a movie about her life is as insulting as having, I dunno, Tom Cruise play Jack Reacher.

According to a biography of Ms. Valentien I found on a site that I cannot link to, she enjoys “when a man takes control and tells me what to do.” This is almost certainly not how Ronda Rousey gets down behind closed doors — she has sex with *you*, not the other way around. Krissy Lynn, however, both looks more like Rousey than Valentien and “enjoys hiking, exercising, and living a healthy lifestyle.” (source: IMDB) What else do you need to know? MAKE THE SWITCH, BURNING ANGEL.

Rachel Starr as “Miesha Taint”

Again, because we’re all about accuracy in cinema here at CagePotato, in order to cast an actress in the role of Miesha Tate, you must first get inside the head of Miesha Tate. Or at least, inside the head of her fans. Tell me, when you guys (and gals) think of Tate, what’s the first thing you think of? Her career-defining win over Marloes Coenen, maybe? Her relationship with notable d-bag Bryan Caraway, perhaps? Or is it DAT ASS?

The fact is, Ms. Tate has one of the finest keisters in the business, if not *the* finest, and she has never been afraid to use it as a marketing tool. Likewise, the woman cast in her likeness should probably be recognized for her posterior first and foremost. Enter Rachel Starr (phrasing), who according to her profile on TheRichest, “is known for her bubbly big butt.” (Well put, TheRichest. Well put indeed.) She is also known as one of the hardest working, biggest stars in the industry, with a professional career dating back to 2007. You know who else’s professional career dates back to 2007? Miesha Tate. I rest my case.

Will Powers as “Bangya Right”

FACT: Ronda Rousey would still be hip-tossing dude-bros inside strip mall movie theaters if it wasn’t for Dana White, the brash, cocky UFC president who once claimed that “women would never fight in the UFC.” That was until he laid eyes on Ronda Rousey, of course, and THE GAME DUN CHANGED. Within a couple years, White was calling Rousey “the biggest star we’ve ever had” and “a f*cking Diaz brother trapped in this beautiful body.” If that latter statement doesn’t scream Intro Line Before a Sex Scene, I don’t know what does.

Carmen Valentina as “Sara McGams”

What, you think we’re going to cast an adult film without including our resident expert in the field? A movie based on the life of one Ronda Rousey, pornographic or otherwise, would be inadequate without including the Olympian vs. Olympian battle that took place at UFC 170. Carmen is a more knowledgeable MMA fan than anyone else in the biz, she’s got an ass that men write symphonies about, and she’s a GSP fan, so you know her wrestling game is On. Point. I don’t care what kinda strings Burning Angel has to pull to sign Carmen, they need this bonafide authority on MMA if they ever hope to achieve a legitimate end product.

Click the “next page” tab to see who we cast as Arianny Celeste, Gene Lebell, Gina Carano + more

The post Dream-Casting the Upcoming Ronda Rousey Porn Parody, ‘Ronda ArouseMe’ appeared first on Cagepotato.

Friday Link Dump: Cyborg Signs With the UFC?!! (Sort of), Ronda Rousey Re-Ups, The Sylvester Stallone Kill Count Supercut + More

(The latest episode of UFC 189 Embedded, which features Conor McGregor in full-on meth tweeker mode and Jose Aldo threatening decapitation. This fight cannot come soon enough.)

In Search of Strange Brew… (MMAFighting)

Ronda Rousey, UFC Agree on New Contract: Latest Details, Comments and Reaction (Bleacher Report)

Conor McGregor: ‘I Will at Least Triple’ Ronda Rousey’s PPV Buys’ (Bloody Elbow)

Dana White on ‘Cyborg’: ‘She’s Going to Try to Make 135 Pounds’ to Fight Ronda Rousey (MMAJunkie)

Brazilian Commission Overturns Drew Dober vs. Leandro Silva to a No-Contest (Fox Sports)

Jim Miller vs. Beneil Dariush Booked for UFC on FOX 15 With Paul Felder Hurt (MMAMania)

Let The Bodies Hit The Floor: Sylvester Stallone Kill Count Supercut (ScreenJunkies)

The BBC’s Firing of Jeremy Clarkson Proves a Point About the Progressive Media (EveryJoe)

14 Inappropriate Quotes From Famous People (Radass)

Adult Film Star Yearbook Photos [Gallery] (WorldWideInterweb)

8 of the Coolest Set-Pieces in Video Games (The Escapist)

Jake Gyllenhaal Hits Hard in Southpaw Trailer (TIME)

The post Friday Link Dump: Cyborg Signs With the UFC?!! (Sort of), Ronda Rousey Re-Ups, The Sylvester Stallone Kill Count Supercut + More appeared first on Cagepotato.


(The latest episode of UFC 189 Embedded, which features Conor McGregor in full-on meth tweeker mode and Jose Aldo threatening decapitation. This fight cannot come soon enough.)

In Search of Strange Brew… (MMAFighting)

Ronda Rousey, UFC Agree on New Contract: Latest Details, Comments and Reaction (Bleacher Report)

Conor McGregor: ‘I Will at Least Triple’ Ronda Rousey’s PPV Buys’ (Bloody Elbow)

Dana White on ‘Cyborg’: ‘She’s Going to Try to Make 135 Pounds’ to Fight Ronda Rousey (MMAJunkie)

Brazilian Commission Overturns Drew Dober vs. Leandro Silva to a No-Contest (Fox Sports)

Jim Miller vs. Beneil Dariush Booked for UFC on FOX 15 With Paul Felder Hurt (MMAMania)

Let The Bodies Hit The Floor: Sylvester Stallone Kill Count Supercut (ScreenJunkies)

The BBC’s Firing of Jeremy Clarkson Proves a Point About the Progressive Media (EveryJoe)

14 Inappropriate Quotes From Famous People (Radass)

Adult Film Star Yearbook Photos [Gallery] (WorldWideInterweb)

8 of the Coolest Set-Pieces in Video Games (The Escapist)

Jake Gyllenhaal Hits Hard in Southpaw Trailer (TIME)

The post Friday Link Dump: Cyborg Signs With the UFC?!! (Sort of), Ronda Rousey Re-Ups, The Sylvester Stallone Kill Count Supercut + More appeared first on Cagepotato.

The Experiment Ends: Cris Cyborg Throws in the Towel on a Possible Drop to Bantamweight


(If the internet wasn’t broken before, it sure as hell is now. via Cyborg’s Instagram)

Are you sitting down, Potato Nation? We hope so, because we just got word of a story so shocking, so unexpected, that it will rock you to your very core. We’re talking something bigger than the Reebok deal, the fighter lawsuit, and most certainly bigger than the “The Time Is Now” press conference. Are you ready?

Cris “Cyborg” Justino has CANCELLED her drop to the bantamweight division. As She told Tatame:

I can’t. From now on, I will only fight at my weight or in a catchweight. I haven’t fought in a long time and that’s why I want to go back to my division.

We know, we know, nobody could have possibly seen this coming.


(If the internet wasn’t broken before, it sure as hell is now. via Cyborg’s Instagram)

Are you sitting down, Potato Nation? We hope so, because we just got word of a story so shocking, so unexpected, that it will rock you to your very core. We’re talking something bigger than the Reebok deal, the fighter lawsuit, and most certainly bigger than the “The Time Is Now” press conference. Are you ready?

Cris “Cyborg” Justino has CANCELLED her drop to the bantamweight division. As She told Tatame:

I can’t. From now on, I will only fight at my weight or in a catchweight. I haven’t fought in a long time and that’s why I want to go back to my division.

The news comes just weeks after Cyborg was forced to pull out of her expected bantamweight debut at Invicta 10 due to injury. Shortly thereafter, the former Strikeforce women’s featherweight champion declared that she would be “postponing” her drop to 135 in order to defend her Invicta featherweight title. In addition to her reasons listed above, Justino also stated a lack of effort on Ronda Rousey‘s part in making their superfight happen led to her decision to abandon the weight cut.

To call Cyborg’s long teased-at drop to bantamweight “ambitious” would be giving it a little too much credit. Justino has been declared physically unable to make the cut to 135 in the recent past, walks around at about two Frankie Edgars, and possesses the kind of muscle mass that makes her able to body slam 205 pound former UFC champions. The thought of Cyborg facing Rousey was an intriguing one for a small window of time, but between the former’s inactivity and the latter’s rapidly evolving skillset that time has all but passed. The matchup has lost all its heat, and it appears that even Cyborg has finally realized it.

The upside: Cyborg can continue smashing each and every challenger Invicta is able to find her, and now won’t have to feel guilty about eating that second sleeve of Oreos. Sounds like a win-win to me.

–J. Jones

Cris Cyborg’s Bantamweight Debut Delayed, Will Instead Defend Invicta FC Featherweight Title Early Next Year


(via Invicta FC.)

You may recall that Cris Cyborg (aka Cristiane Justino) was expected to make her highly-anticipated bantamweight debut at Invicta 10 this Friday, in a move that was being heralded as “the beginning of the end of the Rousey Era” by hyperbolic MMA writers across the board (you don’t know). That was until about a month ago, however, when an ankle injury forced Cyborg out of her matchup against an opponent who we’re pretty sure was never even named.

In any case, it has now been a year and a half since we last saw Cyborg compete — save a Muay Thai match here and there — and her Invicta featherweight title has presumably been collecting dust in the same dark corner where her stripped Strikeforce featherweight title sits. So with time working against her, Cyborg has decided to postpone her bantamweight debut in order to simply compete again. She spoke with MMAFighting earlier this morning:

I haven’t fought in a long time. With this injury, I believe the best option now will be fight in my division. I can’t wait anymore, I need to fight. I’m the featherweight champion and Invicta FC needs me to defend my belt.


(via Invicta FC.)

You may recall that Cris Cyborg (aka Cristiane Justino) was expected to make her highly-anticipated bantamweight debut at Invicta 10 this Friday, in a move that was being heralded as “the beginning of the end of the Rousey Era” by hyperbolic MMA writers across the board (you don’t know). That was until about a month ago, however, when an ankle injury forced Cyborg out of her matchup against an opponent who we’re pretty sure was never even named.

In any case, it has now been a year and a half since we last saw Cyborg compete — save a Muay Thai match here and there — and her Invicta featherweight title has presumably been collecting dust in the same dark corner where her stripped Strikeforce featherweight title sits. So with time working against her, Cyborg has decided to postpone her bantamweight debut in order to simply compete again. She spoke with MMAFighting earlier this morning:

I haven’t fought in a long time. With this injury, I believe the best option now will be fight in my division. I can’t wait anymore, I need to fight. I’m the featherweight champion and Invicta FC needs me to defend my belt.

I believe I will be ready to fight in February. I’m slowly returning to training, so I won’t get injured again. I’m swimming and doing physical therapy since I got back from Thailand. My physical therapist Ivan Carmosino will clear me to train soon.

At this point, Cyborg’s drop to bantamweight has been teased and hinted at more than a new Tool album, and this latest hitch seems like the final straw to me. While Cyborg has been toiling away in obscurity these past couple years, her entire reason for cutting to bantamweight — Ronda Rousey — has risen to become one of the most complete athletes on the planet. Do I still think Cyborg poses some legitimate threats to the women’s bantamweight champ? Undoubtedly, but not nearly as many as she did when she opted out of her UFC contract last year. It almost makes one question her decision to hire Tito Ortiz as her manager.

We’ll keep you updated on Cyborg’s return as information is made available.

–J. Jones

The End Begins: Cris Cyborg’s Bantamweight Debut Set For Invicta 10 on December 5th


(An all scorpion diet may seem extreme, but it’s hard to argue with those results. via Cyborg’s Instagram)

A slightly slimmer yet equally terrifying Cris Cyborg is heading our way, y’all.

Although the fighter sometimes known as Cristiane Justino has been teasing a cut to 135 lbs ever since she had a doctor say that she was not physically capable of cutting to 135 lbs, and even though her last (muay Thai) match saw her get tooled on the feet for the first time in any capacity, there’s little denying that Cyborg is the biggest/only true challenge currently available for Ronda Rousey. (If one of you even mentions Bethe Correia, so help me God I will set you on fire.)

The problem is, Cyborg walks around at approximately one and a half Frankie Edgars, which makes a drop to the bantamweight division (aka Rousey’s House) seem nearly impossible. But like the mad scientists from the future who built Christine out of titanium and bear hide once said, “Nothing is impossible.”

As such, the UFC announced this morning that Cyborg will in fact be making her bantamweight debut at Invicta 10 on December 5th. Justino’s opponent has yet to be named, likely because finding someone willing to face almost certain death is more difficult than finding a friend who’s willing to help you move.

After the Jump: A video of Christiane eating a scorpion in Thailand, just in case you were beginning to doubt how hardcore this chick is.


(An all scorpion diet may seem extreme, but it’s hard to argue with those results. via Cyborg’s Instagram)

A slightly slimmer yet equally terrifying Cris Cyborg is heading our way, y’all.

Although the fighter sometimes known as Cristiane Justino has been teasing a cut to 135 lbs ever since she had a doctor say that she was not physically capable of cutting to 135 lbs, and even though her last (muay Thai) match saw her get tooled on the feet for the first time in any capacity, there’s little denying that Cyborg is the biggest/only true challenge currently available for Ronda Rousey. (If one of you even mentions Bethe Correia, so help me God I will set you on fire.)

The problem is, Cyborg walks around at approximately one and a half Frankie Edgars, which makes a drop to the bantamweight division (aka Rousey’s House) seem nearly impossible. But like the mad scientists from the future who built Christine out of titanium and bear hide once said, “Nothing is impossible.”

As such, the UFC announced this morning that Cyborg will in fact be making her bantamweight debut at Invicta 10 on December 5th. Justino’s opponent has yet to be named, likely because finding someone willing to face almost certain death is more difficult than finding a friend who’s willing to help you move.

After the Jump: A video of Christiane eating a scorpion in Thailand, just in case you were beginning to doubt how hardcore this chick is.

Cyborg has not competed in mixed martial arts competition since capturing the Invicta featherweight crown via a third round TKO of Marloes Coenen at Invicta 6, but you tell me, Nation: Is this the beginning of the end of The Rousey Era? Will bantamweight Cyborg actually kill some poor lady in the ring as expected? And finally, what in heaven and earth is a “Beez Back” and/or a “Mr. Gums Doer”?

–J. Jones

Cris Cyborg Dropping to Bantamweight for Invicta FC Fight in December


(Honestly? I still think Frankie wins this one seven times out of ten. / Photo via TitoCouture)

Yesterday, Shannon Knapp announced that Invicta FC 8 (September 6th; Kansas City, MO) will be the first Invicta event to air live on Fight Pass, and will be headlined by two title fights — Michelle Waterson defending her atomweight belt against Yasuko Tamada, and Stephanie Eggink fighting Katja Kankaanpaa for the promotion’s vacant strawweight title. The card will also feature Roxanne Modafferi vs. Tara LaRosa, Ediane Gomes vs. Tonya Evinger, and the return of Veronica Rothenhausler in a 155-pound bout against Charmaine Tweet.

One notable absence from the stacked all-female card is Invicta FC featherweight champion Cris Cyborg, who hasn’t competed in an MMA bout since last July. But there’s a good reason for that — Cyborg is in the process of transitioning to 135 pounds. As MMAJunkie reports:

“Cyborg” Justino is targeted for Invicta FC 10 against a TBA opponent, Invicta FC President Shannon Knapp said. She was targeted on two previous occasions to meet Ediane Gomes before injuries and event scheduling nixed the matchup. Justino could make her second appearance at 135 pounds in February or March, Knapp added.

It’s not yet decided whether Justino will vacate her current Invicta FC featherweight title, Knapp said…A date is not yet set for Invicta FC 10, which is expected to stream live on UFC Fight Pass as part of the all-female MMA promotion’s multi-year deal with the UFC’s digital network.

To aid Justino’s drop from her natural featherweight class, at which she’s fought since battering Gina Carano to win the title in the now-defunct Strikeforce, manager George Prajin said she will work with Tony Aponte, a performance and conditioning specialist who’s worked with ex-UFC champ B.J. Penn and Heath Herring, among others.


(Honestly? I still think Frankie wins this one seven times out of ten. / Photo via TitoCouture)

Yesterday, Shannon Knapp announced that Invicta FC 8 (September 6th; Kansas City, MO) will be the first Invicta event to air live on Fight Pass, and will be headlined by two title fights — Michelle Waterson defending her atomweight belt against Yasuko Tamada, and Stephanie Eggink fighting Katja Kankaanpaa for the promotion’s vacant strawweight title. The card will also feature Roxanne Modafferi vs. Tara LaRosa, Ediane Gomes vs. Tonya Evinger, and the return of Veronica Rothenhausler in a 155-pound bout against Charmaine Tweet.

One notable absence from the stacked all-female card is Invicta FC featherweight champion Cris Cyborg, who hasn’t competed in an MMA bout since last July. But there’s a good reason for that — Cyborg is in the process of transitioning to 135 pounds. As MMAJunkie reports:

“Cyborg” Justino is targeted for Invicta FC 10 against a TBA opponent, Invicta FC President Shannon Knapp said. She was targeted on two previous occasions to meet Ediane Gomes before injuries and event scheduling nixed the matchup. Justino could make her second appearance at 135 pounds in February or March, Knapp added.

It’s not yet decided whether Justino will vacate her current Invicta FC featherweight title, Knapp said…A date is not yet set for Invicta FC 10, which is expected to stream live on UFC Fight Pass as part of the all-female MMA promotion’s multi-year deal with the UFC’s digital network.

To aid Justino’s drop from her natural featherweight class, at which she’s fought since battering Gina Carano to win the title in the now-defunct Strikeforce, manager George Prajin said she will work with Tony Aponte, a performance and conditioning specialist who’s worked with ex-UFC champ B.J. Penn and Heath Herring, among others.

Justino also is headed to Thailand at the end of the month to refine her striking skills and start the process of shedding weight, Prajin added. The ex-champ was outpointed by Jorina Baars in a muay Thai title fight this past March under the Lion Fight banner.

Prajin said the goal of hiring Aponte is to get Justino to a walk-around weight of 155 pounds. He said the fighter walked around as high as 180 pounds as a featherweight.

180 pounds! Mother of God! Until now, the lightest weight that Cyborg has ever competed at was her 140-pound appearance at EliteXC: Unfinished Business in July 2008, where she and Steve Mazzagatti joined forces for one of the weirdest fight-endings in MMA history. Getting down to 135 pounds will require a monumental effort, and may require to significantly alter her pitbull-like frame.

On the other hand, the payoff could be worth it. If Cyborg can prove that she can hit 135 pounds and still be effective, it’ll only be a matter of time before she’s drafted into the UFC for her long-awaited meeting with Ronda Rousey — a match that would be a hell of a lot more profitable than any that the Brazilian slugger would see fighting in Invicta.

Good luck, Cris. I don’t know how a woman who dwarfs Frankie Edgar is going to make 135 pounds, but we’re all pulling for you.