(Hughes has been hunting since he was in camo diapers, but never has he seen anything with a rack that nice.)
By Jason Moles
Over the past few days, there’s been a lot of talk about what is fair and what is not. ESPN’s latest Outside the Lines episode, in which they attempted to sabotage the UFC find out whether or not the UFC holds a monopoly in mixed martial arts, was mostly focused on how much money entry-level fighters are making compared to top fighters, and how unfair that is. Over and over again we were forced to hear terms like “revenue pie” and “fair share.” And just like that, the MMA fanosphere exploded as everyone with an Internet connection shared their inebriated take on fairness and injustice.
Let me stop you in your tracks right there. Who said life was fair, or even that it should be? Need I remind you just how unfair life is?
Why is it that Chael Sonnen gets busted with elevated testosterone and pleads guilty to money laundering and not only keeps his job, but is now in a number one contender bout at UFC on FOX while Nate Marquardt gets popped for the same thing and is excommunicated from Zuffa, relegated to the unemployment line? How in the world did Michael Vick spend more time behind bars for killing dogs than OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony did combined for killing people?! Does that seem fair to you? Don’t even get me started on the number of times Kenny Florian has fought for a title.
At UFC 142 we saw featherweight champion, Jose “Where’s Waldo?” Aldo, cheat his way to victory with a perfectly executed grab of the cage, leading to the advantageous position where he promptly knocked out Team Alpha Male standout Chad Mendes. Do you remember the phantom knee that got Josh Koscheck‘s panties in a bunch? Thankfully, the point deduction was taken back after a quick check of the instant replay. Man, that thing sure would have come in handy for Erick Silva in Rio on Saturday night. Another fighter’s record blemished forever by an incompetent ref…or lapse in judgement, I’ll let you make the call.
Rape joke from fighter X = acceptable. Rape joke from fighter Y = GTFO.
When a reporter asks if it’s fair that a guy on the undercard is only making “6 and 6,” we should keep in mind that only a handful of people are paying the UFC to watch him fight, and most of them have changed his diaper at one point or another. He’s lucky to have made it this far, and to be given the opportunity to make a lot more money in the future. Would it be fair if Zuffa didn’t pay top guys Anderson Silva money? I mean, they are the primary reason we buy the PPV to begin with, right? We’ve seen the numbers drop when the main event stars get injured and the co-main event gets bumped up a week before the fight. You shell out our hard-earned money when the big dogs come out to play.
Bill Gates is said to have given a commencement speech to a group of students titled ‘Rules for Life’, and I can’t help but think it’s only appropriate to share what he said with all of you. [Ed. note: It was actually written by Charles J. Sykes, but let’s not get hung up on details.]
Rule 1: Life is not fair — get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping — they called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.
Potato Nation, I beseech you to help enforce this newly added CagePotato Ban. Let all those who complain or inquire about the fairness of something be reprimanded for their blatant disregard for common sense. As we’ve just discussed, life isn’t fair. Plain and simple, cut and dry. Let’s all stop questioning something so obvious and spend our time doing something a little more productive, like, say, I don’t know… maybe finding an affordable way to do random drug testing in and out of competition.