Everybody gather around and break out your tinfoil hats, because it’s conspiracy time.
The above clip comes to us courtesy of Inside MMA, who recently held interviews with both the lightweight number one contender Nate Diaz and coach Cesar Gracie, who is beginning to sound like little more than an omnipresent entity whose soul (get it? SOUL? I should really be getting paid more for this gold) reason for existence is to echo whatever a Diaz brother manages to mumble out between bong rips.
From what we could decipher, it appears that both Nate and Cesar have finally caught on to the longest running screwjob in MMA history: The judges vs. The brothers Diaz. Gracie was able to see through the bullshit and was the first to bring this to light, stating:
I’ve never really seen a close decision where the nod was given to the Diaz’s. If it’s close, they’re going to lose. I don’t know why, maybe the judges don’t really care for them that much; they’re brash.
While we were initially content to play Team Cesar Gracie a song on the world’s smallest violin, upon doing a little research (I KNOW RIGHT), we actually stumbled across a plot so thick and intricate that not even Nicolas Cage could unravel it in a series of increasingly shitty kids movies, so join us after the jump if you think your puny Earthling brains can handle it.
The Official Nate Diaz/Ben Henderson UFC Conspiracy Theory
The brothers Diaz have a combined lifetime record of 6-12 when going the distance. 6 +12 = 18. 18 is the number of professional wins Benson Henderson will have if he manages to defeat Nate Diaz at UFC on FOX 5 in December. In their professional careers, the brothers Diaz have only fought twice in December and both fights have gone the distance: Nate was able to score a UD over Donald Cerrone at UFC 141, and Nick was the victim of a controversial decision loss to the Japanese-born Kuniyoshi Hironaka at the Japanese-born promotion Shooto’s Year End Show 2002.
This brings the combined record of the Diaz brothers in December to 1-1. Remove the dash from 1-1 and you get 11. Subtract 11 from 18 and what do you get? 7. Now add that to the 2 brothers Diaz and you get 9. As in 9/11.
As the first Zeitgeist film proved without a shadow of a doubt, 9/11 was not an act of retribution carried out by Muslim extremists, but was in fact an incredibly orchestrated event carried out by the government — and specifically, former Texas governor/president George W. Bush — in order to cause mass fear and generate support for the war on terror, thus producing massive economic gains for the top parties involved. UFC President Dana White is an unabashed supporter of the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA), a failed bill proposed by Republican Texas governor Lamar S. Smith that aimed to expand the United States government’s control of copyrighted intellectual property, and would have given the government the power to shut down entire websites for infringing property on just a single web page. This proposed law was considered by many to be an extension of The Patriot Act, which was signed into law by George W. Bush in a response to…9/11.
Ergo, Dana White, who had just purchased the UFC along with the Fertitta brothers in January of 2001, used his ties with George Bush and therefore the government and agreed to turn a blind eye to the events of 9/11. For this, Bush agreed to have his longtime friend and fellow Republican John McCain back off the anti-UFC bandwagon just long enough for the UFC to get the ball rolling. The UFC would return the favor by throwing their undying support behind both The Patriot Act and SOPA (which would increase government control of media and limit our ability to steal borrow UFC content), knowing that if their fans could be brainwashed into buying clothes as atrocious as this, they would pretty much support anything. More money for the UFC, more control for the gov’t. It is no coincidence that to this day, DW credits John McCain as being the guy “who started the UFC.”
So where do Bendo and the brothers Diaz come into all this? Hold onto your butts.
Nick Diaz‘s first professional fight was on August 31st, 2001. Add those numbers together (8 + 3 + 1 + 2 + 1) and you will get 15, the exact number of losses the Diaz brothers have combined. 15 is also the precise amount of time in minutes in which the brothers Diaz have lost nearly all of their decisions.
Ben Henderson, on the other hand, is half Korean. The bad guys in the Red Dawn remake were infamously changed from Chinese to North Korean in the editing room due to the fact that China has quickly become one of the most lucrative markets for American movies, whereas North Korea is all but completely devoid of foreign influence. North Korea, coincidentally, has been locked in border disputes with China for ages now. And what sport, pray tell, has begun to broadcast pay-per-view events in movie theaters? THE UFC, THAT’S WHO. Who recently held their first ever event in China? THE UFC, THAT’S WHO. Ben Henderson is also one of only two fighters of Korean decent to win a belt in the UFC. Who was the other? B.J. Penn, who is fighting on the same card as Henderson and Diaz and appears to be in better shape than we ever thought possible.
Do you get it yet? Henderson and Penn are sleeper-cell fighters, sent by the North Korean government under the close surveillance of Dana White and company in an effort to showcase the dominance of (North) Korea, all the while using DW’s ins with China to set them up for the ultimate double-cross. In return, the UFC will become the one and only form of foreign media to grace the North Korean market. North Korea will in turn invade America, then China, and after inevitably defeating both of us, the UFC will therefore become the only form of media. Period. 24/7, all day, every day.
Being the conspiracy theorists that the brothers Diaz are, they clearly stumbled upon this as children before joining the UFC in an attempt to thwart Dana White’s efforts, knowing that, if they were to become champion, they could expose White for the snake in the grass he truly is. However, being that judges can be bought and sold nowadays, DW made sure to metaphorically cut them off at the pass and ensure that they would never win a close decision in the UFC. After screwing Nick Diaz out of the chance at UFC 143, tainting his urine sample, and ushering him into a hasty retirement, the UFC set their eyes on his little bro.
So after they threw Nate to the wolves in three consecutive bouts and were unable to stop him, the UFC rigged the second Henderson/Edgar fight in order to ensure that the (half) Korean grappler — a grappler being the ultimate foe of a Diaz –remained champion long enough to put an end to Diaz’s run once and for all. Diaz was given his title fight, but unfortunately, it will come on December 8th, just 9 days shy of the 1 year anniversary of Kim Jong-il’s death, which was revealed by the North Korean government on December 19th, 2011. Add in the 0 chance of victory Nate Diaz has if his fight goes to a decision and you get 9/11/2001.
If, no, once Henderson secures a controversial split-decision over Diaz at UFC on FOX 5, it will set into motion a chain of events that ends in the destruction of the very freedoms this country was built upon: Life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness — the very same freedoms the brothers Diaz have been trying to protect for as long as they’ve existed.
