Despite our bitter, heated, and third adjective protests, it appears that studio executives will be steamrolling ahead with a remake of the beloved 1989 classic, Roadhouse, with women’s bantamweight champion Ronda Rousey starring in the titular role of “Dalton Roadhouse” (don’t fact-check that) originally played by Patrick Swayze.
But with only one key role filled, we figured we might as well do our part to ensure that this movie sucks as little as possible — what with us being the pulse of the MMA-movie world and all all. You know what this means: It’s dream-casting time.
Eddie Redmayne as “Doc”
Perhaps the most prominent question fans of the original Road House have been asking of the remake is, “How is Ronda Rousey suppose to f*ck her romantic interest on the wall of a rustic cabin?” Truly a thorough moviegoing audience, that Internet.
The answer? By casting an actor so non-threatening, so hyper-effeminate that no one would think twice about who “the man” in the relationship was. Enter Eddie Redmayne, the method actor so method that he permanently altered the alignment of his spine to win an Oscar for playing Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything last year. Standing at 5′ 11” and weighing in at just over a crate of crab apples, Redmayne is perfect to play the Doc to Rousey’s Dalton. And not only that, his upcoming turn as transgender artist Lili Elbe in The Danish Girl proves that Redmayne could even play the role as a woman if that’s what he (or Rousey) was into.
It would be the acting challenge of a lifetime…until Redmayne injects his face with 10 gallons of collagen to play Rocky Dennis in the Mask remake that you just know is on the horizon.
Dame Judi Dench as “Wendy Garrett”
Long considered the “Sam Elliott in Road House” of the English theater circuit, Dame Judi Dench is fresh off a reprisal of her role as Evelyn, the tough-nosed, know-it-all bouncer of the Exotic Marigold Hotel in The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. If you still find yourself questioning just how much ass Dame Dench can kick, I direct you to her cold-blooded portrayal of M in the James Bond series. Got it? Good. Now shut up and keep reading.
Look, if we’re going to make a Road House remake that does more than make audiences compare it to the original, we’ve gotta go different with it. *Real* different. Example 1: Having an incredibly British character inexplicably dropped amongst the quaint buckboard parlance of Jasper, Missouri. The moment in which Dame Dench refers to the Double Deuce as the “Double Douche” alone will be worth the price of admission.
Any UFC Women’s Bantamweight as “Brae Wesley”
Patrick Swayze vs. Ben Gazzara was quite possibly the most lopsided mismatch ever portrayed in a Hollywood film until Sly Stallone fought the Dad from Third Rock From the Sun in Cliffhanger. Wesley was the money, the puppeteer, the man behind the goons, sure, but for all of his arrogance, he was little more than roadkill when matched up man-to-man with Swayze’s throat-ripping, kung-fu master.
Likewise, there isn’t a woman currently competing in the women’s bantamweight division that has come within eyeshot of defeating Rousey, so just throw Cat Zingano, Alexis Davis, Bethe Correia (etc, etc.) in there and let the champ do her thing. I guaran-damn-tee that the whole lot of them would be willing to swallow their pride for a paycheck equivalent to their next 15 fights in the UFC.
Cris Cyborg as “Jenny”
I mean, this is pretty obvious, right? If MMA fans are never going to get Rousey vs. Cyborg in real life, then I think we should at least be treated to Rousey vs. Cyborg on the big screen. By casting the current Invicta featherweight champ in the role of “Jimmy” (or “Jenny”), Hollywood would actually cash in on a fight that Dana White could never put together with all of his big-dick swangin’ bravado and mountains of money, and ooooh how that would piss him off.
Besides all that, Cyborg is quite possibly the *only* MMA fighter-cum-thespian capable of pulling off the iconic “I used to fuck guys like you in prison” line with any sense of authenticity.
Dana White as “Tilghman”
I’ll be honest, the characters of Roadhouse start to get a little hazy once you go beyond the core group of players. I had no idea that the creepy-eyed owner of the Double Deuce pictured above was named “Tilghman,” for instance, and now that I do, I’m merely wondering why the hell anyone would ever give an under-five character such a borderline incomprehensible name. That aside, casting Dana White as the bar owner who needs Ronda Rousey to save his business is a metaphor for the UFC so delectable that I’m watering at the mouth just thinking about it.
Felice Herrig as “That One Slutty Blonde Chick”
With all due respect to Ms. Herrig, she was born for this role. Some may argue that the nameless stripteasing blonde in Road House served little purpose other than some throwaway T-n-A, as evident by the fact that not a one of could name her character if a gun was being held to our head (penis), but I scoff at that notion. “That One Slutty Blonde Chick” served as an *integral* part of Dalton’s character arc, and I plan to support that claim in vivid detail as soon as I finish running these errands that I totally forgot about until right now.
……….
Anyways, there isn’t a female fighter out there who has utilized her sexuality as a marketing tool better than Felice Herrig, so let’s throw her in a pink dress and a cowboy hat and get to work!
Another possibility for this role: Dame Judi Dench
Kleio Valentien as “Rue Webster”
You might remember Valentien as the woman cast as none other than Ronda Rousey in Burning Angel’s Ronda ArouseMe: Grounded and Pounded porn parody. You might also recall that I stated she was a poor fit for the role based on the fact that she bared little resemblance to the woman she was supposedly playing.
Well, after going back and doing the proper research, I must say that Kleio is a very gifted, very capable performer, and I feel kind of bad about writing her off. Lord knows I love me a tatted-up chick, so that’s why I’m throwing her into the role of Red/”Rue” Webster, the kindly shop owner who stirs Dalton to action when his livelihood is blown to smithereens by Wesley.
And who knows? Maybe this time around, you have some sexual tension between Red/Rue and Dalton. Maybe Dalton ends up falling for Red/Rue instead of Doc altogether, and the movie culminates with a passionate, 10-minute love scene ala Blue is the Warmest Color set in the charred remains of Red/Rue’s general store.
I’m just spitballing here.
Roy Nelson as “Tinker”
I don’t feel the need to justify this casting.
So Nation, on a scale of One to Eleventeen, how much did we crush our most recent casting session? Let us know in the comments section.
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