(Mess with a bull and you’ll get the horns; mess with a Diaz and you’ll get a Stockton Slap.)
By Jason Moles
It’s time once again to examine your portfolio now that UFC 135 is in the books. Take this opportunity to maximize your ROI by heeding the advice below. Keep reading to find out if you’re sitting on a gold mine or if you need to take that dog to a nice farm where he can roam. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs so lets play another game of Buy, Sell, Hold.
Jon “Bones” Jones: Buy! Buy! Buy!
Last night Jonny “Bones” Jones did what no fighter has done since 2007 — successfully defend the UFC light heavyweight championship. (I don’t care what you say, Shogun won that fight!) I know I’m supposed to tell you to “Buy low, sell high”, and Jones is at an all-time high right now. Just know that the champ’s stock is as low as it will ever be for at least the next ten or so years. Crisp, unorthodox striking combined with superb, tactical grappling contained inside a combat vessel in its prime — need I say more?
Quinton “Rampage” Jackson: Hold, while I sell.
Gordon Gekko said “Greed is good.” and I’m not about to argue. I want to make more money so I’m telling you to hold Jackson’s stock so I can sell all of mine before you do. The stock market is a brutal mistress. Her cutthroat ways will entice you to slit her throat with the dagger she left in your back. “Rampage” was motivated to get his belt baaaaaaacccckkkk. This we know. Now that he got subbed by a ‘kid’, his ego has shriveled to the size of a testicle plagued by hypogonadism. He’ll fight again and he’ll probably win, but the risk is not worth the reward of being a shareholder.
John Koscheck: Buy
No one thinks Koscheck is Georges St. Pierre but there is still much money to be made by owning a few hundred shares. Hey, you! Yeah, you. Shut up about KO-ing an aging Matt Hughes already. There’s more to the MMA stock market than just buying based on who the fighter beat. Kos is one of the biggest ****heads in the UFC, nay, the entire MMA world. Fans love to hate this trash talkin’ kid and would give you their last dollar just to see the possibility of him him getting his face smashed in again. This is why you buy.
Sun-Tzu once said, “If your enemy is superior, evade him. If angry, irritate him. If equally matched, fight, and if not split and reevaluate.” Despite his desire to fight again, the counsel has spoken — dude needs to hang up his gloves. He may not be able to ride off into the sunset, but he should ride nonetheless. We’ll remember him for being one of the most dominant champions in UFC history and we’ll give him a call if we need any help choosing a new John Deere.
Travis Browne: Hold
Based on the level of competition Browne has faced in the heavyweight division; don’t make any moves just yet. Despite his winded performance down the stretch in Denver, he’s a sleeping giant who may be able to make some noise in the years to come. This is one gamble that won’t disappoint.
Nathan Diaz: Buy! Buy! Buy!
This $6.00 stock could be sold for $20.00 before 2012 is over. All the marks on the street are selling because the Stockton native lost two of his last three fights and some are convinced that he won’t ever be able to reach that next level. Diaz put on a fantastic fireworks display against “The Fireball Kid” Saturday night, which leads me to believe he’s determined to make the necessary changes to become an elite fighter. He’s got the right coach and the right game plan. There is bank to be made in the 209.
“The Fireball Kid” Takanori Gomi: Sell it like a dog with fleas.
You can’t right the sinking ship that is Takanori Gomi. The ill-fated JMMA star is one lucky punch away from going 0-4 inside the Octagon. The sport kept evolving and Gomi did not, which proves that this is the mangiest, ugliest dog on the market today. It’s so bad that the balance sheet can only be handled with a scooper and a plastic bag.
Heavyweights not named JDS, Velasquez, Overeem, Lesnar, Barnett or Mir (or Browne): Sell, Sell, Sell
Lack of cardio, or any real skills for that matter, left a bad taste in my mouth after watching yet another performance by the Spare Tires. I’ve had it! From here on out I command you to treat heavyweights like the ex-girlfriend who dumped you and upgraded to a guy who owns a Lexus and has a time share in Bora Bora. You should diversify your portfolio in order to maximize your net gains, but that doesn’t mean you have to put an egg in every basket.
It’s not often we see a TUF winner look impressive in victory. Ferguson has made significant progress in the standup department and appears to be on the right track. It will be interesting to see who the UFC pairs him up with next, following his jaw-breaking TKO win over Aaron Riley. Will Ferguson stay at lightweight or jump back up to 170? Either way, I’m more than happy to get in now while he’s still a Penny Stock. You’d be wise to do the same so we can all enjoy the fruits of his labor for years to come.