Oh, Thank Christ: Brazilian MMA Confederation Officially Shitcans Man vs. Woman Fight at Shooto 45


(“Equality,” as pictured by a lunatic.) 

We can all breath a sigh of relief, Nation, because the necessary persons have officially (thankfully) put an end to this man vs. woman MMA fight nonsense. The matchup, which was announced as part of Friday’s Shooto 45 event earlier this week, was almost immediately reviled by fans across the MMA blogosphere. Maybe because it was asking us to accept common assault as sport, or maybe because the woman, Juliana Velasquez, would be making her professional debut, but for some reason, no one really wanted to see this travesty unfold and further roadblock MMA from legitimization.

Except for Emerson Falcao (a.k.a “the man”), that is, who insists that our sport is destined for an Andy Kaufman-esque fantasyscape in the near future (via MMAFighting):

I was hired to fight, and I’m going there to fight. My job is to train and fight. This is the first of the many man vs. woman fights that will come in the future. You’ll see. This is going to be huge. We’re here to shock the world.

Yes, “shock the world.” Because our fine sport should abide by the philosophy of Marilyn Manson if it ever wants to succeed.

While it was originally being reported that Velasquez vs. Falcao would be taking place tomorrow with a special “No elbows, no knees” stipulation, the Brazilian Mixed Martial Arts Federation stepped in at today’s weigh-ins and cancelled this thing outright. As the CBMMA’s Osiris Maia stated:


(“Equality,” as pictured by a lunatic.) 

We can all breath a sigh of relief, Nation, because the necessary persons have officially (thankfully) put an end to this man vs. woman MMA fight nonsense. The matchup, which was announced as part of Friday’s Shooto 45 event earlier this week, was almost immediately reviled by fans across the MMA blogosphere. Maybe because it was asking us to accept common assault as sport, or maybe because the woman, Juliana Velasquez, would be making her professional debut, but for some reason, no one really wanted to see this travesty unfold and further roadblock MMA from legitimization.

Except for Emerson Falcao (a.k.a “the man”), that is, who insists that our sport is destined for an Andy Kaufman-esque fantasyscape in the near future (via MMAFighting):

I was hired to fight, and I’m going there to fight. My job is to train and fight. This is the first of the many man vs. woman fights that will come in the future. You’ll see. This is going to be huge. We’re here to shock the world.

Yes, “shock the world.” Because our fine sport should abide by the philosophy of Marilyn Manson if it ever wants to succeed.

While it was originally being reported that Velasquez vs. Falcao would be taking place tomorrow with a special “No elbows, no knees” stipulation, the Brazilian Mixed Martial Arts Federation stepped in at today’s weigh-ins and cancelled this thing outright. As the CBMMA’s Osiris Maia stated:

We can’t do something like that. (The promoter) can ask everything, even a MMA fight with three guys against one, but we obviously won’t allow it.

This ‘fight’ has a social representation that is more important for the society than to the sport. There’s no way a man should fight a woman. This is being done only to show the society the importance of ‘Lei Maria da Penha’. You can’t have a man beating a woman in a sport, so it shouldn’t happen anywhere. That’s what they want to show.

Phew, that was a close one. For a second there, I actually thought this shit was going to happen.

Honesty, I think what we should all take away from this almost-fight is that the first “official” man vs. woman MMA fight should not be contested between two unknowns on card buried in the vast jungles of Brazil, it should be contested between Kim Couture and Akebono, in the UFC. If we’re gonna see a man utterly humiliate a woman for our amusement, we should at least be willing to go all out with it.

–J. Jones