(Stay away from the light, Dustin! Stay away from the light!)
Ladies and gentlemen of the Potato Nation, the end times are upon us. Last night, a quiet, unassuming man named Chan Sung Jung escaped from a remote Korean testing facility and wound up in Fairfax, Virginia. Needing to fulfill certain diversity requirements that had long eluded them, the people of Fairfax embraced and accepted him with open arms, completely unaware that he was in fact patient zero of a zombie-like virus that would spell the untimely demise of the human race. Those ignoramuses.
Before they even knew what had hit them, reports of strange occurrences were popping up from county to county, then state to state. Having caught the latter half of the movie Outbreak on TBS just a few weeks prior, the people of Fairfax knew that they had to capture the source of the disease if they were ever to restore order to the chaos they had created. So they sent forth their bravest virologist, a man by the name of Dustin Poirier, to subdue the host and bring him back for testing. Early reports claimed that “The Diamond” would have little to no trouble accomplishing this feat, as he had successfully extinguished every threat placed before him since joining the Zuffa corporation.
How wrong they were.
For nearly twenty minutes, the two engaged in an all out war of attrition, one that would determine the very fate of mankind. He put up a hell of a fight, but as much as it saddens us to say this, we are officially doomed. Poirier was infected by “The Korean Zombie (virus),” and chances are that you will be soon as well. Early symptoms include raucous use of the phrase, “HOLY SHIT BRO”, an ability to absorb a tremendous amount of punishment, $80,000 cash, drowsiness, and cramps.
If you happened to be watching last night’s UFC on FUEL event from a pirated stream or some other medium (because who the hell actually has FUEL), you more than likely experienced many of these symptoms before the main event even began. The same could be said for many of the fighters involved. Just ask Jason “The Mathlete” *snicker* MacDonald, who was so sick with the virus that he slipped into a hallucinogenic state just moments before his fight with Tom Lawlor. Within the opening minute of the very first round, he became so delusional that he mistook the UFC canvas for a Serta mattress and dove headfirst onto it, promptly knocking himself unconscious. When he awoke, his fever had broken, and he could only chuckle at the silly mistake he had made. Lawlor, on the other hand, managed to take home a $40,000 Knockout of the Night award for helping guide this sickly individual to his momentary resting place, living up to the humanitarian reputation he has earned in the UFC.
Signs of the disease were present in Jeremy Stephens and Jeff Hougland in their respective bouts with Donald Cerrone and Yves Jabouin as well. In typical zombie fashion, both men were lit up like the fourth of fucking July for fifteen long minutes, yet could not be put away by their still human counterparts. A tip of the hat is due to their undead corpses. Jabouin opted for a variety of spinning attacks that would make Dennis Siver blush to try and finish the job on Hougland, who only made it out of the fight alive (sort of), thanks to an incredible heart and the, let’s call it timidness, of referee Todd McGovern. Cerrone utilized his reach advantage and a more diverse striking attack to give Stephens fits throughout their fight, putting him in trouble on more than one occasion and slice-n-dicing the ever loving shit out of his face for good measure. When asked to describe his performance afterward, “Lil’ Heathen” proceeded to take a bite out of Jon Anik’s neck and sprint off into the night before he could be put down.
But the virus’ lethargy-induced side effects truly took hold of the audience during the evening’s co-main event, which pitted TUF 7 winner Amir Sadollah against Wanderlei Silva student Jorge Lopez. Although Amir has never been one to get into a barn-burning brawl, even his precision-based offense was a welcome change when having to deal with Lopez’s relentlessly boring “wall-n-stall” takedown attempts. The members of the audience who had not been lulled into a coma…scratch that, every single member of the audience had in fact been lulled into a coma, only to come back as flesh-eating mongoloids hell bent on raping and pillaging anything within arm’s reach. In other words, West Virginians.
Lock your doors. Board up your windows. Put the children to bed and start stockpiling canned foods, because The Korean Zombie virus is coming to your town, probably within the hour. It is relentless, deceivingly strong, and somehow inspiring at the same time, and the only man who can bring an end to this madness is trapped in Canada somewhere.
God save us.