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It’s a testament to Nick Diaz the fighter that Nick Diaz the person can continue to make headlines with his ridiculous statements despite retiring from the sport almost a year ago. Or maybe it’s a testament to the nadir of journalism present in today’s MMA landscape, but in any case, Stockton’s finest is once again attempting to use his retirement as a bargaining chip, telling Fox Sports in a recent interview that he would consider returning to MMA, but only for an immediate title shot:

I don’t care, I’m talking about a title fight matchup. Bottom line, I’m the only draw here. Bottom line. We had like the third biggest [pay-per-view]. That wasn’t just because of Georges St-Pierre. And these guys aren’t doing that. People want to pay to see me fight, they want to see someone get knocked out or someone get tapped out, or they want to see me get my ass whooped like they’ve been waiting to see but they still don’t get to see.

I’ve been fighting for 11 years. I already did all those [contender] fights. I don’t have to take a warmup fight. Why would I take a warmup fight? To help somebody out? To bring them to my level? I’ve already been through all that and you still didn’t see me take an ass whipping.

While Dana White has publicly squashed this notion already, MMA fans and pundits alike have already taken to hyping the “inevitable” return of Diaz to the UFC. Because like the man himself said, he is a draw. That doesn’t change the fact, however, that Diaz’s understanding of how one achieves a title shot is absolute nonsense.

Come to think of it, the statement above is just the latest in what has been a career filled with borderline insane ramblings on Diaz’s part. A few examples…

-On fighting Joe Riggs in the hospital after their UFC 57 scrap:

“I ain’t no bitch. You know what I mean? That’s why I said I’ll fight him all night. I’d fight him right now. If he were here, I’d fight him right now.”

-On his fight with Takanori Gomi

“That little guy, I don’t know what the fuck, he was doing some karate in there…he’s fuckin’ do some little Hadouken fuckin’ punch in there to me. You know, he’s knocking people out, busting their shit up.”

-On the likelihood that GSP was on steroids

“I don’t think they test around here, I doubt I’ll be tested either. I don’t care what [the UFC is] saying…to the media. I don’t think either one of us is going to be tested. And, if so, he’s probably got a bottle of piss in his pocket. I doubt they are standing over him making sure he’s not on steroids.”

-On the likelihood that he is high right now

“Hell no, I’m not guaranteeing anything…if I don’t pass the test, I’m sorry. But I could probably use another year off, vacation. It’s not like I enjoy this – taking punches to the mouth. I need to feed my family that one day I can acquire.”

-On Wolf Tickets

“I’m sure [White] will [be mad], but like I said in the press conference…I will always tell you the truth…I will never sell you a handful of wolf tickets.”

-On life, death, and taxes

“I just have to invest a little money, now that I have some money. You know what? I’ve never paid taxes in my life. I’m probably going to go to jail. … But no. No. No one want to hear that kind of talk or what is going on with me. I might as well as be a kid. I’ve had fight after fight after fight after fight. You don’t know what that does to somebody that didn’t graduate high school? You don’t understand.”

–On Ariel Helwani (see header video)

“I wasn’t gonna do this interview but they told me I had to. I feel like you instigate fights quite a bit. Where I come from, people like that get slapped.”

-On his win over Paul Daley

“No, you know I…there gonna suspend me, you know, for that sh*t, and uh, you know I’m like ‘I don’t even, I don’t give, I don’t even know why I do this.’ I’m like ‘whatever, suspend me,’ you know what I mean? Like…I guarantee I’m suspended for whatever happened out there.

Whatever, I need a vacation anyways. They fight me too much. You know, I’m not gonna be the one to back out of these fights, you know? Nobody gives a sh*t about me. They’re over here throwing me into fight after fight after fight. They’re like ‘oh this guy will knock him out, we’ll get rid of him like that,’ you know what I mean. Like, you know…you’re gonna have to find some other way, know what I mean?”

-On buying a house

“I go running all the time through my neighborhood, you know, out of the bad neighborhood and into the good neighborhood where I like to run, you know. I run by hundreds of these nice, huge houses with these big yards and fountains everywhere and these people have their little picnic patio, little side yard, little pools…all this stuff right. Then I take a little circle around and then go back into my neighborhood where my car gets robbed and I got some dude out front of my house looking for cigarette butts or something from where my friends might have left some. It’s ridiculous.

My brother moved and it’s like tshhhhh, it’s a long story man, but if you guys could see what I’m working with you guys would laugh. I don’t know how to go buying a house in the middle of all this training. I didn’t go to school for that, you know? I started training Jiu-Jitsu when I was sixteen years old, you know? ‘Cause I got thrown around a few schools, I started training Jiu-Jitsu when was sixteen and I went, you know, 100 percent, ’cause I already knew I’d beat all these guys. I’d beat everybody, you know, and that should do it. So…”

And finally, strap in for this one…

-On who he’s trying to fight, weed, and ignorance

“I’m trying to fight (Hayato) Sakurai, I’m trying to fight K.J. Noons, I’m trying to fight Anderson Silva, I’m trying to fight everybody. I’m trying to fight Georges (expletive) St. (expletive) Pierre. I’m trying to fight … I didn’t mean to call Georges a (expletive), but I ain’t got no problem getting there and fighting the best people in the world. Georges is a nice guy. I’m trying to fight Jon Fitch, I’m trying to fight Silva, I’m trying to fight K.J. Noons, I’m trying to fight everybody. I’m trying to fight Takanori Gomi, Sakurai, I’m trying to (expletive) everybody up. (Expletive) this (expletive). This is (expletive) gangster (expletive) warfare. I don’t give a (expletive). You know what I mean?

I don’t mean to sound like … this is … you know … people need to grow up and be mature enough to handle this (expletive). If they can’t and their eyes are not old enough to handle my cuss words and to handle the reality ofo what my life is really about, then don’t (expletive) watch. Because I’m tired of hearing about this and that about how I’m a (expletive) punk and I’m this and that and I’m (expletive) stupid because I didn’t go to school and I don’t know how to talk without (expletive) cussing and say the F-word every five minutes. If you can’t handle it, then don’t listen to me. I don’t give a (expletive).

I’m here to fight. I’m not trying to be a movie star. I’m not trying to wear a (expletive) suit like K.J. Noons. I’ll save my money to buy some (expletive) weed. You know what I mean? I’m trying to enhance the quality of my living. That’s the same reason why I will fight people, I will get high, because that’s a higher quality of life. You know what I mean? I don’t (expletive) do drugs and I don’t do no (expletive). You know what I mean? I’m trying to enhance the quality of my living. Whatever is going to do that. I’m not down for (expletive) chemicals. You know what I mean? I’m down for whatever is going to do it. If fighting and whatever else I do and saying (expletive) you, and being able to do that and still make money, you know, sounding ignorant.

People are going to think I’m ignorant. But you know what … it’s actually … who is ignorant when you are not the one who understands this sarcasm? You know what I mean? You are just not up to par on how people talk these days or something. Open your eyes and look at the real (expletive) world. Look at the world I live in. That’s all I’m saying.”

God bless you, Nick. God, like, fucking bless you or some shit, you know what I mean?

–J. Jones