(Who’s got two shaka brahs and a trip to the emergency room scheduled for this weekend? THIS GUY!)
When the UFC made it’s long-awaited return to Boston in August of 2013, it booked TUF 17 runner-up Uriah Hall against Nick Ring in a pivotal middleweight matchup. Ring pulled out almost immediately (there’s probably a joke to be made there) due to injury, and was replaced by fellow TUF 17 alum Josh Samman. Less than a month out from their fight, Samman was forced out of the bout and replaced by John Howard, who went on to defeat Hall via split decision.
And unfortunately, the second time around seems like more of the same for Hall. Minus that whole “losing by split decision” thing. Probably.
But you’re probably wondering: Did the UFC manage to scrounge up some poor sap to face Hall on a week’s notice? And does this poor sap’s nickname make me yearn for the days of Louis “Handgunz” Taylor? Those answers are after the jump!
(Who’s got two shaka brahs and a trip to the emergency room scheduled for this weekend? THIS GUY!)
When the UFC made it’s long-awaited return to Boston in August of 2013, it booked TUF 17 runner-up Uriah Hall against Nick Ring in a pivotal middleweight matchup. Ring pulled out almost immediately (there’s probably a joke to be made there) due to injury, and was replaced by fellow TUF 17 alum Josh Samman. Less than a month out from their fight, Samman was forced out of the bout and replaced by John Howard, who went on to defeat Hall via split decision.
And unfortunately, the second time around seems like more of the same for Hall. Minus that whole “losing by split decision” thing. Probably.
But you’re probably wondering: Did the UFC manage to scrounge up some poor sap to face Hall on a week’s notice? And does this poor sap’s nickname make me yearn for the days of Louis “Handgunz” Taylor?
Currently 12-6 in professional competition, Stallings holds victories over UFC veteran Mike Massenzio, Bellator vet Herbet Goodman, and *the* Randy Rowe, with most of his losses coming to slightly more known commodities like Adlan Amagov (in his only Strikeforce appearance), Dante Rivera, and Phillipe Nover. Stallings last fought in November, where he dropped a five round decision to Tim Williams.
So yeah, it’s not exactly a “compelling” matchup in any way, shape, or form, but likely the best the UFC could do on such short notice. And at the very least, this tremendous mismatch will hopefully result in a knockout that is equal parts terrific and terrifying. It’s a low bar, but someone’s gotta set it.
Then again, confidence has never really been an issue for Overeem, and it’s easy to see why. When he is paired up against anyone less than a top contender, Overeem fights as if he’s been beamed down from a distant planet (let’s call it, “Pectoria”) to remind us humans of how puny and insignificant we are in the grand scheme of it all. Even his nickname, “The Demolition Man”, is otherworldly in its awesomeness.
And while it’s true that Overeem has struggled against upper echelon competition throughout his career, it’s also true that there isn’t a fighter alive who crushes cans quite like he does (not that Rothwell is by any means a can). Ubereem is the foremost purveyor of squash matches, indeed, so let these eight videos serve as a testament to his greatness.
In Which The Uber Makes Gary Goodridge Cry Out in Agony
By the time Gary Goodridge got around to fighting Alistair Overeem, he was a 42-year-old (though oddly enough, introduced as 32) relic of his former self who was waist deep in the eight-fight losing streak that would end his MMA career. Overeem, on the other hand, had just obliterated Mirko Cro Cop‘s testicles at DREAM 6. To say that these men’s careers were heading in opposite directions would be a slight understatement.
Then again, confidence has never really been an issue for Overeem, and it’s easy to see why. When he is paired up against anyone less than a top contender, Overeem fights as if he’s been beamed down from a distant planet (let’s call it, “Pectoria”) to remind us humans of how puny and insignificant we are in the grand scheme of it all. Even his nickname, “The Demolition Man”, is otherworldly in its awesomeness.
And while it’s true that Overeem has struggled against upper echelon competition throughout his career, it’s also true that there isn’t a fighter alive who crushes cans quite like he does (not that Rothwell is by any means a can). Ubereem is the foremost purveyor of squash matches, indeed, so let these eight videos serve as a testament to his greatness.
In Which The Uber Makes Gary Goodridge Cry Out in Agony
By the time Gary Goodridge got around to fighting Alistair Overeem, he was a 42-year-old (though oddly enough, introduced as 32) relic of his former self who was waist deep in the eight-fight losing streak that would end his MMA career. Overeem, on the other hand, had just obliterated Mirko Cro Cop‘s testicles at DREAM 6. To say that these men’s careers were heading in opposite directions would be a slight understatement.
The age, speed, size, and everything else discrepancy was apparent from the very get-go, as Overeem followed up a few of his trademark vicious knees by just kind of gently guiding Goodridge to the ground to deliver a further beating. A series of brutal body shots followed, each sending shockwaves through the canvas with a sickening thud, and then, like a cat who had grown tired of its prey, Alistair mercifully finished off “Big Daddy” (phrasing) with an Americana.
Perhaps “mercifully” is the wrong word to use, as Goodridge was left crying out in pain like a man who had just received a botched vasectomy as it was happening. In any case, this fight was so insignificant that it is not even mentioned on either Overeem’s or Goodridge’s Wikipedia pages.
In Which The Uber Treats James Thompson Like a Child’s Play Thing
I may not speak the language, but I’d like to think that the announcers calling this fight were actively mocking it as it took place, hence their near constant bouts of uncontrollable laughter. The Japanese are unapologetically earnest when it comes to their love of freak show fights, and while Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg would be trying their hardest to sell us on James Thompson‘s underrated ground game or heavy hands, these two chose to treat the blasphemy of matchmaking that was Overeem vs. James Thompson like a nutshot compilation video on Youtube. Or maybe the Japanese language is just a series of pitched chuckles and guffaws. Researching it any further would only ruin the surprise.
In any case, Overeem’s fight with Thompson at DREAM 12 actually turned into a rather surprising affair, in that it somehow didn’t end in a 30-second KO victory for Alistair. It did, however, end in a 30-second submission win for Alistair after Thompson shot in on an ill-fated single leg takedown attempt. Uber broke less of a sweat finishing “The Colossus” than the announcers did laughing at the ridiculousness of the whole affair.
In Which a Pre “Uber” Uber Wipes the Floor With a Porn Star
Back in 2003, Alistair Overeem was but a frail beanpole of a man who could stand in the shadow of his future self. He was an Overeem who had yet to begin accumulating mass through totally natural means, but he was a dangerous Overeem nonetheless. Facing one-time UFC vet and future porn star Aaron Brink (a.k.a “Dick Delaware”) in his native Netherlands, Gauntereem looked every bit as dominant as his future Hulkish self would, scoring a quick takedown and locking up his patented guillotine choke in just under a minute.
The win would mark Overeem’s 10th straight and earn him a trip back to Japan, where he would knee Mike Bencic into submission at PRIDE 26. Brink would spend the rest of his days battling meth addiction while plowing premo trim in such films as Bossy MILFs 2, Gang Bang Virgins 2, Teens Take It Big 2, and Family Guy: The XXX Parody. So you tell me who’s led a more fulfilling life.
In Which The Uber Ends a Man’s Career Before It Ever Began
Poor Tae Hyun Lee. The sorry SOB never stood a chance.
Former UFC slugger Joey “The Mexicutioner” Beltran has fallen on some hard times, y’all. While he’s never been what you would call a world-beater, his past five fights have resulted in two decision losses, one knockout loss, a win overturned due to a post-fight failed drug test, and a submission win over a 43-year-old and already retired Vladimir Matyushenko at Bellator 116. A gutsy, take-no-prisoners kind of fighter Beltran may be, but its safe to say that “The Mexicutioner” isn’t exactly next in line for a shot at the title, even in Bellator’s ultra-shallow light heavyweight division.
Oh, MMA, just when I thought I had you figured out!
Former UFC slugger Joey “The Mexicutioner” Beltran has fallen on some hard times, y’all. While he’s never been what you would call a world-beater, his past five fights have resulted in two decision losses, one knockout loss, a win overturned due to a post-fight failed drug test, and a submission win over a 43-year-old and already retired Vladimir Matyushenko at Bellator 116. A gutsy, take-no-prisoners kind of fighter Beltran may be, but its safe to say that “The Mexicutioner” isn’t exactly next in line for a shot at the title, even in Bellator’s ultra-shallow light heavyweight division.
Oh, MMA, just when I thought I had you figured out!
Maybe it’s just me, but this fight seems more like something Bjorn Rebney would pull, not his excellence Scott Coker. It’s about as throwaway a title fight as we’ve seen in recent memory, and could only have been booked as a sacrifice to the MMA Gods. That being said, it looks like this year’s Harvest will be even better than last year’s.
I guess the biggest question to come out of this booking is that of Rampage Jackson, who stopped Beltran, then Christian M’Pumbu, then decisioned Kingo Mo to technically earn the next title shot. Has Jackson already gotten cold feet in regards to his Bellator contract? DETAILS AT 11.
Bellator 124 goes down from Michigan’s Compuware Arena on Friday, September 12.
Not Bonnar vs. Silva. Not McKenzie vs. Mendes. Not Cro Cop vs. Sanchez. None of these squash matches hold a candle to the slaughter that Rousey vs. Davis is primed to be. For Christ’s sake, that barista who fought Daniel Cormier was given 12-to-1 odds, and he accepted the fight on less than a week’s notice.
But rather than fall back on the old standby of how fights like Rousey vs. Davis are a clear sign of the UFC’s rapidly dissolving product, I’ve instead opted to compile a list of things more likely to happen than a Davis win on Saturday…
(Cheer up, Ronda, you got this in the bag. Photo via Teckler)
Not Bonnar vs. Silva. Not McKenzie vs. Mendes. Not Cro Cop vs. Sanchez. None of these squash matches hold a candle to the slaughter that Rousey vs. Davis is primed to be. For Christ’s sake, that barista who fought Daniel Cormier was given 12-to-1 odds, and he accepted the fight on less than a week’s notice.
But rather than fall back on the old standby of how fights like Rousey vs. Davis are a clear sign of the UFC’s rapidly dissolving product, I’ve instead opted to compile a list of things more likely to happen than a Davis win on Saturday…
-Chael Sonnen talking his way out of his latest drug test failure
-Dana White reading the articles he criticizes
–UFC 176 doing more than 500k buys
–The Ultimate Fighter becoming a ratings juggernaut
-Roy Nelson: Weight-Watchers spokesman
-Nick Diaz: NY Times best-seller
-Jon Jones: Fan Favorite
-The American government being successfully toppled by Sri Lanka
-The New York Mets *ever* winning another World Series
-Farrah Abraham EGOTing
-Death by terrorist attack
-Death by falling coconut
-Death by chocolate
–Step Up: All In living up to expectations
-Being struck by lightning. Twice. On the same day. While indoors.
–Planet of the Apes becoming a reality
–Terminator becoming a reality
-Oscar Pistorius being found innocent of murder
–ALIENS
-Peace in Egypt
-A former President being mauled to death by a circus lion in a convenience store
-CagePotato being unbanned by the UFC
So…anyone down to throw in on a Machida-Davis-Caceres parlay with me? #WeekofDanga
(Say what you will about Dashon’s qualifications, but there’s no denying that the dude packs an epic punch-face.)
Meet Dashon Johnson, a.k.a “Fly Boy” a.k.a the latest undefeated “prospect” to be signed by the UFC. A former professional boxer who amassed a by definition mediocre record of 15-15, Johnson has gone 9-0 as an MMA fighter and was recently booked to face TUF Nations washout Jake Matthews at Fight Night 43. I know, you’ve probably already marked this fight down on your calendars.
The combined record of Johnson’s opponents to date is 13-39, with 12 of those wins belonging to one fighter, Brady Harrison. Even worse, at the time Johnson faced each of the tomato cans his record has been padded with, these were their records (in chronological order):
(Say what you will about Dashon’s qualifications, but there’s no denying that the dude packs an epic punch-face.)
Meet Dashon Johnson, a.k.a “Fly Boy” a.k.a the latest undefeated “prospect” to be signed by the UFC. A former professional boxer who amassed a by definition mediocre record of 15-15, Johnson has gone 9-0 as an MMA fighter and was recently booked to face TUF Nations washout Jake Matthews at Fight Night 43. I know, you’ve probably already marked this fight down on your calendars.
The combined record of Johnson’s opponents to date is 13-39, with 12 of those wins belonging to one fighter, Brady Harrison. Even worse, at the time Johnson faced each of the tomato cans his record has been padded with, these were their records (in chronological order):
Tommy Franklin (0-0) Jordan Delano (0-4) Kenneth Johnson (0-0) Randall Adams (0-0) Phelan Fleming (0-1) Kenny Kilgore (1-3) Brady Harrison (11-10) Ray Carter (0-1) Jordan Delano (0-10, rematch of first fight)
With the exception of two fighters, Johnson has finished all of his opponents via TKO or submission inside the first two minutes. It might shock you to learn that the only man to go the distance with Johnson was Harrison.
As noted by both Alexander and Bratcher, all of Johnson’s fights have taken place under the Xplode Fight Series banner. Xplode Fight Series, for those of you who might not be familiar, is a California-based pro-am organization who holds the majority of their cards on Indian reservations. They also happen to have a management company, and just so happen to house the facility that Johnson trains out of, Team Xplode MMA.
Unfortunately, it would appear that Johnson is not the only Xplode MMA fighter who has received, let’s call it favorable treatment, while fighting for Xplode. You see, Xplode Fight Series is less in the MMA business than they are the squash match business — one look over the fighters in their stable reveals more padded records than I care to count and more tomato cans than an Andy Warhol painting. Essentially, Xplode MMA/Fight Series is setting up their “premiere” fighters against nobodies in the hopes that they will be signed by the UFC for a regional level show, which their management company will then presumably profit from. It takes “conflict of interest” to an entirely different level.
Here are just a few examples of the promotion’s shady matchmaking practices in recent years, per Alexander’s report:
Titan FC bantamweight Walel Watson previously spent 4 fights in the UFC before he was cut in late 2012. Watson fought twice in XFS after his release, winning both bouts in a combined 99 seconds. The current combined records of the opponents he defeated? A dismal 0-23.
Bellator and Strikeforce veteran Keith Berry (15-13) defeated 0-0 Josh Gibson in 2012 in what was listed as a middleweight championship fight. Berry later triumphed over Edward Darby, who came into the fight at 0-3 and is now 0-15. Following this win, Berry was signed by Bellator, where he’s lost his last 3 and missed weight for 1 of his only 2 wins.
Light heavyweight Patrick Cummins TKO’d Ricky Pulu (0-3) on an XFS show last year and was picked at the last minute to fight Daniel Cormier in February at UFC 170.
Last but not least, UFC flyweight Danny Martinez (16-5) had two appearances in XFS back in 2012, winning by 1st round TKO against Nick Boyd and Rich Bonafidini, both of whom also were 0-0 at the time, and Martinez was even allowed to wear wrestling shoes. Martinez was later selected for TUF 18 and later signed on late notice for UFC 169 and is scheduled to fight again on June 7th against Scott Jorgensen.
And it gets worse. So, so much worse.
Edward Darby, the 0-15 fighter who was TKO’d by Keith Barry, fought ten times in 2013, (six under the Xplode banner) and dropped all of his fights by first round TKO or submission. How Darby was cleared to compete in fights as close as two weeks apart despite getting TKO’d is anybody’s guess, but it’s clear that Xplode is in neither the competitive MMA business nor the safety-concerned MMA business. As I spoke of regarding the disastrous amatuer MMA scene in NY yesterday, the fault for accepting these fights lies at least partially on the fighters themselves, but still, it’s goddamn disheartening to see a promotion so willing to forgo the basic safety concerns of the guys they are profiting off.
Does this mean that Johnson is destined to washout of the UFC almost immediately? I won’t say that much, as Royston Wee has already proved me wrong in that regard. But as Alexander notes, the UFC willingness to sign guys like Johnson (while simultaneously turning down guys like Askren) “is real telling about who they’re willing to bring on board just to be $8k/$8k fodder on Fight Pass.”
It always comes back to Fight Pass. God damn you, Fight Pass.
(CagePotato was sent, anonymously, this picture with this not-so-subtle note attached, “Dear CagePotato, This is Yuri Alcantara.” Photo via MMAWeekly.)
You might not know this, Potato Nation, but last week it was announced that the already stacked UFC on Fox Sports 1 card picked up another big name in the form of Urijah Faber, the former WEC kingpin and much-beloved UFC bantamweight title challenger. All the major MMA media outlets reported his booking on the August 17th-scheduled card, yet next to no one seemed to be discussing it. You might be asking yourself, “How could one of the WEC’s biggest stars (if not the biggest) — a former title challenger, TUF coach, and ambitious entrepreneur who has his own honorary day in Sacramento — be so unjustly overlooked on such a monumental card?”
The answer is simple: Nobody, including Faber himself, has the slightest idea who his opponent is, or why the fight was booked in the first place.
We are speaking of Yuri Alcantara, the one-fight WEC and five-fight UFC veteran who, even in light of this fight booking, is all but completely unknown by many of the sports casual fans. Hell, even the diehards would probably have to consult Sherdog before pretending to know who Alcantara is. We’re talking about a guy whose most notorious UFC moment came when his opponent faked an injury at UFC on FX 7and screwed him out of a victory for crying out loud. So he scores a quick KO over a UFC noob last month and suddenly he’s ready for a fighter of Faber’s caliber? Bitch, meet please.
(CagePotato was sent, anonymously, this picture with this not-so-subtle note attached, “Dear CagePotato, This is Yuri Alcantara.” Photo via MMAWeekly.)
You might not know this, Potato Nation, but last week it was announced that the already stacked UFC on Fox Sports 1 card picked up another big name in the form of Urijah Faber, the former WEC kingpin and much-beloved UFC bantamweight title challenger. All the major MMA media outlets reported his booking on the August 17th-scheduled card, yet next to no one seemed to be discussing it. You might be asking yourself, “How could one of the WEC’s biggest stars (if not the biggest) — a former title challenger, TUF coach, and ambitious entrepreneur who has his own honorary day in Sacramento — be so unjustly overlooked on such a monumental card?”
The answer is simple: Nobody, including Faber himself, has the slightest idea who his opponent is, or why the fight was booked in the first place.
We are speaking of Yuri Alcantara, the one-fight WEC and five-fight UFC veteran who, even in light of this fight booking, is all but completely unknown by many of the sports casual fans. Hell, even the diehards would probably have to consult Sherdog before pretending to know who Alcantara is. We’re talking about a guy whose most notorious UFC moment came when his opponent faked an injury at UFC on FX 7and screwed him out of a victory for crying out loud. So he scores a quick KO over a UFC noob last month and suddenly he’s ready for a fighter of Faber’s caliber? Bitch, meet please.
Not since Mendes vs. McKenzie (fine, Sonnen vs. Jones) have we seen a fight so transparently tilted in one fighter’s favor. The fact that Faber is coming off a pair of dominant performances against a former WEC title challenger in Scott Jorgensen (currently “ranked” #7 by UFC.com) and Ivan Menjivar (ranked #9) only adds to the confusion. It’s also a discrepancy that Faber took note of when he was originally made aware of his next opponent (via MMAJunkie):
The face didn’t pop into my head when they said his name, but I remember seeing the guy fight, and he’s very tough…but that’s where I’m at in my career – where I’m not necessarily gaining a ton from this fight other than the fight itself.
The hard part on my side is, nobody knows who the heck he is and there’s nothing really to gain.
Although he may be an unknown to most of the people tuning in on August 17th, to say that Alcantara does not pose some possible threats to Faber would simply be foolish. For starters, he’s a BJJ black belt and five-time Muay Thai state champion, according to his UFC profile. He was also the inaugural lightweight champion of longtime Brazilian promotion Jungle Fight and currently holds an equal knockout to submission ratio in his 28 victories at 12 apiece.
He’s a dangerous guy is what we’re saying, but “The California Kid,” at least on paper, is on an entirely different level. So much so that you might also ask why Faber accepted a fight that 90% of his-caliber fighters would turn down in today’s MMA landscape. Well, the answer to that question is simple as well:
There wasn’t much out there for me. So I can just be thankful I have a fight – I get paid when I have a fight, my name’s out there when I have a fight, I get to do what I love when I have a fight. So as long as I approach it like that – the thing to gain here is another win on my record and one step closer to getting that belt, which is my goal, and putting on a great show for the fans. That’s what this means.
I want to stay active. This is what I do, and I’m here to fight. That’s why I’ve dedicated the last 10 years of my life to mixed martial arts. That’s what I do, so sign me up, and I’ll scrap.
As has become the norm with Faber, his reasoning is not only straightforward and sound, but incredibly humble as well. A win is a win, and that’s all that Faber is concerned about. Rightfully so.
But still, when faced with such a…peculiar matchup, we as fans can’t help but question the ulterior motives of the UFC. Are they hoping to provide Faber with enough momentum to finally get his trilogy-securing fight against Dominick Cruz? Does the UFC assume that Cruz will best Renan Barao when the two eventually meet? Will Cruz ever be able to put in a full training camp without suffering a debilitating injury? Fuckin’ magnets, how do they work?
Obviously, we are getting ahead of ourselves a little here. Who knows if Faber and Alcantara will even make it to the fight without one of them suffering an injury? For now, we should just appreciate the fact that these two will most likely put on a great show (that ends in Faber choking this poor bastard unconscious inside the first round) come August 17th. At least, that’s how Faber views the opportunity:
At this point in my career, I’m fighting to put on amazing fights to climb the way to the top. This guy, they think the world of. And even though nobody knows who he is, it’s going to be a very tough and competitive fight. But I’m going to win.
Does anyone else see this fight going down any differently? If so, please raise your hand so we can make sure not to give you a gold star for the day.
