Props: Zombie Cage Fighter
By CagePotato Contributer Jake “KillBurnDestroy” Richards
Let’s be real, no matter how trendy, no matter how played out, we all still fantasize about the zombie apocalypse on a daily basis. While there will always be the NRA member who has a weapons cache in their basement, some won’t be so fortunate. This one goes out to them.
HONORABLE MENTION- Running Away
It didn’t work so well for Kalib Starnes when he fought Zombie Cage Fighter, Nate Quarry, but you don’t have to worry about scoring points when your judges are undead monsters. Get the hell out of there and save yourself!
AVOID- Crucifix
While this move has proven golden for “Big Country” Roy Nelson, he hasn’t fought with a flesh eating mongoloid since coming up short against Jeff Monson. The last thing you’ll want to do is give your zombie nemesis an all-you-can-eat-buffet for a few punches and elbows. Your instincts for the headshots are good, but there are better ways.
USE- Plum Clinch
More commonly known as the “Muay Thai Clinch,” this move is an indispensable article in your arsenal. This clinch allows you to control the zombie’s head, avoiding those dastardly dentils.
AVOID- Armbar
While virtually any submission maneuver would be a foolhardy idea, laying your leg across the mouth of a ghoul is just plain stupid.
USE- Guillotine
To entirely contradict my last slide, the guillotine is a pretty golden move. If sunk in properly, you can clasp the undead’s mouth shut and torque that neck until it snaps like a Kit Kat Bar.
What sets this move apart from other chokes like the rear-naked choke is that it offers better maneuverability and keeps you on your feet. The last thing you want is a recently decapitated zombie pinning you to the ground while the horde approaches.
AVOID- Takedowns
There’s a two in six billion chance that you, the reader, are Matt Hughes or Randy Couture, and thusly you shouldn’t be using the majority of MMA takedowns. I concede, it might be thrilling to splatter a zombie into the ground, but you never really know how decomposed your competition is, they might survive. Hopefully when the world ends so will the rules. Spiking and piledriving your undead foe won’t get you disqualified, and could save your life.
USE- Front Kick
Risking balancing on one foot might be precarious, but once you’ve sent a zombie fiend’s head soaring with a geyser of gook, you’ll thank me.
AVOID- Dirty Boxing
Snuggling up against a zombie is a bad idea no matter how many punches you land. Create distance.
USE- Showtime Kick
You are going to be aiming for the head and any help you can get, take it.
Launching yourself off of the rubble of civilization isn’t fail-safe; you might eat crap. Thankfully with a zombie’s delayed reaction time you could probably try three or four times before it even catches on.
AVOID- Triangle Choke
Yes, zombies like hot dogs. Beware.
USE- Superman Punch
I give you, Zombie Kryptonite.
Sport Science once measured Georges St. Pierre’s Superman Punch at a speed of 15 FPS. The time it would take for your fist to mash the mandible of the man-eating monster would be virtually instantaneous.
Another key factor in the Superman Punch’s effectiveness is the feint kick. While your zombie opponent probably won’t fall for it, the leg extension behind you will act like a blind man’s cane ensuring you won’t give up your back to a zombie goon.
END- The Bitter Kind…
In closing, when you are outnumbered and alone, go out swinging. Youtube might not exist at the end of the world, but people will never forget the guy (or gal) huddled in the fetal position crying as they became lunch.
Go forth, bold reader, and be excellent!