Author: J.Jones

Gambling Addiction Enabler: UFC 152 Edition


(Oh, jeez. Has Michael seen this poster yet? He is gonna be piiiisssed.)

By Dan “Get Off Me” George

You know that saying “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Well, such is the case with UFC 151’s trash (which coincidentally resembles the remnants of a totaled Bentley) and UFC 152’s treasure. And those of us who were smart enough to recognize a curse when we saw one and purchase our tickets accordingly will reap the rewards of the 151 fallout by being treated to two title fights on the very same card. Suck it, over-saturation!

This Saturday night, the GAE will attempt to go where no other MMA blog/website/”professional MMA gambler”(my favorite) has gone before, a perfect 4-0 generating plus money dating back to UFC 148. So follow us after the jump as we try to navigate through the good, the bad, and the ugly betting lines of UFC 152: Jones vs Belfort (courtesy of BestFightOdds).

Charlie Brenneman (-225) vs. Kyle Noke (+185)

I feel that the Spaniard will be able to get this fight to the mat and establish himself as the dominant fighter. Hovering around -225, the line is appealing when you examine how Kyle Noke has lost his last two UFC bouts coupled with how Charlie has found victory throughout his UFC career (Ed note: Except here). This fight falls into the good category for betting lines and Brenneman will find his way into my parlay as the well priced favorite here.


(Oh, jeez. Has Michael seen this poster yet? He is gonna be piiiisssed.)

By Dan “Get Off Me” George

You know that saying “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Well, such is the case with UFC 151’s trash (which coincidentally resembles the remnants of a totaled Bentley) and UFC 152’s treasure. And those of us who were smart enough to recognize a curse when we saw one and purchase our tickets accordingly will reap the rewards of the 151 fallout by being treated to two title fights on the very same card. Suck it, over-saturation!

This Saturday night, the GAE will attempt to go where no other MMA blog/website/”professional MMA gambler”(my favorite) has gone before, a perfect 4-0 generating plus money dating back to UFC 148. So follow us after the jump as we try to navigate through the good, the bad, and the ugly betting lines of UFC 152: Jones vs Belfort (courtesy of BestFightOdds).

Charlie Brenneman (-225) vs. Kyle Noke (+185)

I feel that the Spaniard will be able to get this fight to the mat and establish himself as the dominant fighter. Hovering around -225, the line is appealing when you examine how Kyle Noke has lost his last two UFC bouts coupled with how Charlie has found victory throughout his UFC career (Ed note: Except here). This fight falls into the good category for betting lines and Brenneman will find his way into my parlay as the well priced favorite here.

Walel Watson (-200) vs. Mitch Gagnon (+170)

Hometown underdog Mitch Gagnon will be looking for his first UFC win against another good favorite here in Walel Watson. Watson lost his first ever professional MMA fight via submission, but since then has avoided being submitted and has been in the octagon with fighters of a much higher pedigree than Gagnon. While Mitch has a large list of submissions victories and an impressive UFC debut under his belt, Watson seems like the only fighter of the two that has the ability to win this fight both on the feet and on the ground, and is another solid parlay pick as well.

Seth Baczynski (-150) vs Simeon Thoresen (+130)

This fight is sitting around pick’em status with Thoresen as the slight underdog. Seth has a few submission losses on his record, but has a well-rounded ground game that may be the deciding factor considering Thoresen’s striking game is simply not at the level of the “Polish Pistola.” Add in the fact that Thoresen is fighting for the first time in North America and going after the underdog line could prove to be a bad decision. I am much more comfortable looking at the prop that this fight does not go the distance. Thoresen’s last five fights have not seen the judges cards while Baczynski has only been to a decision once in his last five fights.

Jimmy Hettes (-440) vs Marcus Brimage (+350)

File this one under the ugly. Jimmy Hettes is the right favorite, but the price is simply too high and not worth the risk to your parlay. Brimage is talented and beat a well respected Maximo Blanco his last time out, but the minute Brimage finds himself locked up with Hettes, he will most likely be on his back defending submission attempt after submission attempt. Marcus will not be easy to put away, but I do believe Hettes will win here, potentially submitting Brimage in the process.

Sean Pierson (+145) vs Lance Benoist (-165)

A fun fact here is that both fighters have been on the winning side of the cards in exciting fights against Matthew Riddle. Pierson is a veteran of the Canadian martial arts scene and will be looking to come back strong after losing via KO to Jake Ellenberger the last time he fought in Toronto. Since then, however, Pierson has gone 1-1, splitting a pair of UD’s to Dong Hyun Kim and Jake Hecht. Benoist is the younger fighter and the favorite, but Pierson is worth a look as the underdog and may find himself on the end of a favorable (think Nick Ring/Court McGee) decision win here. It’s Pierson or nothing for me. Not a parlay fight, but a look that the fight goes the distance may be the safest bet.

Evan Dunham (-185) vs TJ Grant (+160)

Not to sound like “that guy,” but Evan Dunham has only really ever lost to Melvin Guillard; his decision loss to Sean Sherk is perhaps the worst decision I have seen in UFC history. Dunham seems to have the advantage in the stand up game here and I think he uses his skills to keep this fight standing while out striking Grant en route to a decision victory. Grant will not be a walk in the park; he is well rounded and has the ability to push this fight to the cards like he has done with Hendricks, Kim, and Almeida in past losing efforts. The line sitting at around -200 for Dunham, however, is too alluring to pass up. Dunham for the win and fight goes the distance are both solid picks.

Igor Pokrajac (-175) vs Vinny Magalhaes (+155)

I will take the bad favorite here and suggest Igor keeps this fight standing, possibly finishing Vinny at some point during the contest. Everyone and their cat knows that if this fight goes to the ground Igor is in big trouble, and while Vinny has the ability to submit anyone, he also seems to be at a marked disadvantage when fighting stand up (Ed note: Vinny’s striking did look much improved in his last fight. Just sayin’.). The -200 territory that Igor is able to stop the takedown is bad, mainly because he seems to welcome the ground game in his fights which could be his undoing here. Lay your money on the prop that the fight does not go the distance because this one ends in either KO or submission before the end of the third.

Cub Swanson (+200)vs Charles Oliveira (-240)

Cub is tough fighter to figure out and while he has managed to put together two straight wins, there seems to be a ceiling that he cannot break through. It is easy to pick Oliveira here based on the assumption that he will finish Swanson via submission (like Lamas did), but with so few underdogs worthy of picking, I prefer to stay away from this favorite hovering around -250. The prop that the fight does not go the distance feels right as I do not believe that Oliveira and Swanson will waste any time trying to finish each other (Greg Jackson game plan aside).

Matt Hamill (-365) vs Roger Hollett (+305)

On one side, Hamill is coming off a year long retirement from MMA (so a vacation, I guess?), while on the other side, you have a relatively unknown fighter coming in on short notice to fight the man he was supposed to have fought before pulling out due to injury. Anyone else confused? The line on Hamill is just fugly, too many unanswered questions to go into -350 territory and not a clear cut case for the underdog to win other than home field advantage/judges gift. I do like the prospect that this fight goes the distance and instead of risking heartbreak betting on Hamill, I would rather pass and go with the fact that Hamill will be able to wrestle his way to a decision victory.

Michael Bisping (-185) vs Brian Stann (+160)

The price is very fair for Bisping if you look at the popular opinion that Bisping is simply better than Stann in every aspect of the sport. Personally, I think Stann is the better striker, not technically, but simply more dangerous. I do not think Wandy was a better technical striker than Bisping, but he won the fight by being more aggressive that night and delivering more damage than Bisping could. I think the book is out on Stann’s grappling deficiency and I would not be surprised at all to see Bisping go for the takedown and look for a submission. The glaring advantage Bisping has on the ground together with Bisping’s ability to take down excellent grapplers (Chael) leads me toward Bisping here.

Joesph Benavidez (-275) vs Demetrious Johnson (+235)

I am not exactly sure why Benavidez is such a heavy favorite, sitting close to -300 even, when both fighters have seen their only losses come at the hands of Bantamweight kingpin Dominick Cruz. Joe may have the advantage in the stand up, but this title fight feels more like a pick’em to me. Both fighters have defeated top level competition, both seem to have solid stand up to compliment their ground game, and their cardio levels are out of this world. I am much more comfortable suggesting along with most that this fight goes the distance and depending on what the lines are, I would look at playing over rounds up to fight goes the distance. Gun to the head I will go with Benavidez to bring home Team Alpha Male’s first UFC title.

Jon Jones (-800) vs Vitor Belfort (+600)

A -800 line that Jones wins this fight should have most people staying away from this one altogether. A puncher’s chance is what Vitor has and a Pterodactyl wing for an arm is what Jones has. For five to one on your money, do you think Vitor can get through Jones’ extended left arm, open hand, backing away style of defense to find the money with his fists? Sadly, I think not. Simple as that. The prop that this fight does not go the distance is also just as ugly sitting around -500. With minimums on props, risking $100 will bring you $20 is as close to a guaranteed investment as you can get in MMA. I think if there is a prop on under 1 ½ rounds available at -300 territory, jumping on it would be wise; Vitor’s either going to sink or swim quickly in this fight.

Parlay  1
Brenneman-Dunham-Bisping

Parlay 2
Brenneman-Watson-Pokrajac

Props
-Baczynski/Thoresen fight does not go the distance
-Dunham/Grant fight goes the distance
-Pokrajac/Magalhaes fight does not go the distance
-Swanson/Oliveira fight does not go the distance

Follow the usual CP breakdown of betting higher on the parlays and lower on the props and feel free to heckle when/if these parlay’s fall apart. But most importantly: May the winners be yours.

Chad Griggs and His Awesome Mutton Chops Return at UFC 154 Against Cyrille Diabate


(Mutton chops: Giving white people the confidence to shake their rump since the 1800’s.) 

It could just be our queasy stomachs, but we’ve begun to feel more and more trepidation when it comes to announcing a scheduled UFC contest these days, because the likelihood of said contest actually coming to fruition seems borderline impossible.

That being said, it will please all of the lumberjacks who happen to read CagePotato to learn that the man with the coolest facial hair in the biz this side of Casey “fagtastic flameathon of facial distortion” Oxendine, Chad Griggs, will be returning to UFC action on November 17th at UFC 154 in Montreal, Canada to face PRIDE veteran Cyrille Diabate. Griggs, who gained notoriety over the past couple years with his decimations of Bobby Lashley, Valentijn Overeem, and Gian Villante, is coming off a first round submission via arm-triangle loss to Travis “Don’t ask, don’t tell” Browne in his UFC debut at UFC 145. Shortly after the loss, Griggs announced that he would in fact be dropping to 205 lbs to face Phil Davis at UFC on FOX 4, but go figure, suffered an injury and was forced to pull out.

Diabate, on the other hand, is coming off a majority decision victory over late replacement Tom DeBlass at UFC on FUEL 2. “The Snake” has gone win-loss in his five fight UFC career and was originally set to face Fabio Maldonado at UFC 153, but again, an injury blah blah blah things are different now.

Diabate has shown a susceptibility to submissions in the past (as well as an inability to last three rounds), so a matchup with a stand-and-bang aficionado like Griggs should be tailor-made for an exciting, if not winnable opportunity for everyone involved.

Who you got for this one, Potato Nation?

After the jump: A video of Griggs’ slugfest with Villante, because it’s arguably the greatest two and a half minute fight you will ever see.


(Mutton chops: Giving white people the confidence to shake their rump since the 1800′s.) 

It could just be our queasy stomachs, but we’ve begun to feel more and more trepidation when it comes to announcing a scheduled UFC contest these days, because the likelihood of said contest actually coming to fruition seems borderline impossible.

That being said, it will please all of the lumberjacks who happen to read CagePotato to learn that the man with the coolest facial hair in the biz this side of Casey “fagtastic flameathon of facial distortion” Oxendine, Chad Griggs, will be returning to UFC action on November 17th at UFC 154 in Montreal, Canada to face PRIDE veteran Cyrille Diabate. Griggs, who gained notoriety over the past couple years with his decimations of Bobby Lashley, Valentijn Overeem, and Gian Villante, is coming off a first round submission via arm-triangle loss to Travis “Don’t ask, don’t tell” Browne in his UFC debut at UFC 145. Shortly after the loss, Griggs announced that he would in fact be dropping to 205 lbs to face Phil Davis at UFC on FOX 4, but go figure, suffered an injury and was forced to pull out.

Diabate, on the other hand, is coming off a majority decision victory over late replacement Tom DeBlass at UFC on FUEL 2. “The Snake” has gone win-loss in his five fight UFC career and was originally set to face Fabio Maldonado at UFC 153, but again, an injury blah blah blah things are different now.

Diabate has shown a susceptibility to submissions in the past (as well as an inability to last three rounds), so a matchup with a stand-and-bang aficionado like Griggs should be tailor-made for an exciting, if not winnable opportunity for everyone involved.

Who you got for this one, Potato Nation?

After the jump: A video of Griggs’ slugfest with Villante, because it’s arguably the greatest two and a half minute fight you will ever see.

–J. Jones

Gallery: Matt Hughes and His Son Go Hunting in South Africa, Slay All of the Animals


(You think that’s impressive? You should see how Hughes handles a rhino.)

Fact: Matt Hughes loves hunting. Loves it. And whether you stand on the “hunting is for sociopaths” or the “guns are the only thing keeping giant underground worms from invading the earth” side of the issue, you gotta respect the former welterweight champion’s dedication to slaying every beast this earth has to offer, except for the most dangerous game, that is. In either case, Hughes recently partook in a South African hunting expedition with his son Joey, and the results look like what you would expect an Oregon Trail novice to haul in on his first Buffalo hunt. A lot of things were killed is what we’re saying. But before you jump on Hughes for blatantly wasting such delicious Zebra meat or being an ignorant redneck (we’re looking at you, Dan Hardy), know that the meat from animals hunted in African safaris is often donated to local villages in need, and the hefty licensing fees guys like Hughes have to pay to legally hunt such game help fund the nation’s conservation efforts. In other words: Fuck yeah guns!!

–J. Jones

Fact: Matt Hughes loves hunting. Loves it. And whether you stand on the “hunting is for sociopaths” or the “guns are the only thing keeping giant underground worms from invading the earth” side of the issue, you gotta respect the former welterweight champion’s dedication to slaying every beast this earth has to offer, except for the most dangerous game, that is. In either case, Hughes recently partook in a South African hunting expedition with his son Joey, and the results look like what you would expect an Oregon Trail novice to haul in on his first Buffalo hunt. A lot of things were killed is what we’re saying. But before you jump on Hughes for blatantly wasting such delicious Zebra meat or being an ignorant redneck (we’re looking at you, Dan Hardy), know that the meat from animals hunted in African safaris is often donated to local villages in need, and the hefty licensing fees guys like Hughes have to pay to legally hunt such game help fund the nation’s conservation efforts. In other words: Fuck yeah guns!!

–J. Jones

The Unsupportable Opinion: The Cancellation of UFC 151 Was Good for the Fans


(While 406 votes may not seem that significant, first consider that this screenshot was taken within an hour of the poll’s creation, and all 111 votes for Dana White were placed by one person. You know who.)

UFC 152 is still three days away, yet I already feel something churning within the deepest regions of my stomach, something I haven’t felt in quite some time when dealing with a UFC card: Excitement. Maybe even nervousness. While at least some of the mixed emotion can be attributed to a few names featured on the card that I always like to watch throw down (specifically: Stann, Belfort, Benavidez, and Hettes), I can’t help but feel as if the main source of my excitement is completely disconnected from the card itself, as if any card could bring me this kind of joy. I feel like I did in the days before a UFC event four or five years ago, and I guarantee that a good percentage of you are feeling it too.

And I imagine you know why you’re feeling it. It’s because the cancellation of UFC 151 was responsible for the largest gap between UFC cards in nearly two years, and was ultimately a good move by the UFC.

At the risk of retreading old ground, I’ll admit that I was quick to throw haterade on Jon Jones for his decision to not fight Chael Sonnen in the days that followed it, and still feel a little disdain toward the champ for doing so. But now that I’ve had some time to digest the situation in its entirety, I’ve come to at least appreciate both Jones’ and the UFC’s decision — as conflicting as it is to say so — and here are the main reasons why.


(While 406 votes may not seem that significant, first consider that this screenshot was taken within an hour of the poll’s creation, and all 111 votes for Dana White were placed by one person. You know who.)

UFC 152 is still three days away, yet I already feel something churning within the deepest regions of my stomach, something I haven’t felt in quite some time when dealing with a UFC card: Excitement. Maybe even nervousness. While at least some of the mixed emotion can be attributed to a few names featured on the card that I always like to watch throw down (specifically: Stann, Belfort, Benavidez, and Hettes), I can’t help but feel as if the main source of my excitement is completely disconnected from the card itself, as if any card could bring me this kind of joy. I feel like I did in the days before a UFC event four or five years ago, and I guarantee that a good percentage of you are feeling it too.

And I imagine you know why you’re feeling it. It’s because the cancellation of UFC 151 was responsible for the largest gap between UFC cards in nearly two years, and was ultimately a good move by the UFC.

At the risk of retreading old ground, I’ll admit that I was quick to throw haterade on Jon Jones for his decision to not fight Chael Sonnen in the days that followed it, and still feel a little disdain toward the champ for doing so. But now that I’ve had some time to digest the situation in its entirety, I’ve come to at least appreciate both Jones’ and the UFC’s decision — as conflicting as it is to say so — and here are the main reasons why.

1. Cancelling UFC 151 saved us from another “garbage-ass” card:

This general opinion is both why many fans were quick to defend Jones/lambaste Dana White and ironically the best reason that we were spared UFC 151 in favor of UFC 152. As BG so eloquently phrased it, UFC 151 was kind of garbage-ass, so let’s take a look at what we would have been dealing with had it transpired:

While there are definitely some good matchups here, a PPV main card that features Dennis Ballman vs. Thiago Tavares is not a good indicator of a card’s strength. Plus, Jacob Volkmann, you guys.

Now let’s take a look at what we’ll be treated to this weekend, God willing:

Top to bottom, UFC 152 is pretty freakin’ stacked. The only fight on the main card that doesn’t immediately scream fireworks is Hamill vs. Hollett, and the fact that it features an inspirational figure like Hamill attempting a career comeback should be enough to get most fans interested in the matchup. On the undercard, we’ll get to see the UFC return of TUF 8 finalist and true M-1 Light Heavyweight champ Vinny Magalhaes against powerful/streaking slugger Igor Pokrajac, another chance to see the ever-improving phenom Jimy Hettes, as well as crowd-pleasers like Kyle Noke, Walel Watson, and Evan Dunham.

Is the main event still a squash match? Sure, but Vitor Belfort has a way better chance at dethroning Jon Jones than Sonnen ever did, and in much more exciting fashion. And I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather see the inaugural flyweight title fight as my co-main than Jay Hieron vs. Jake Ellenberger (all due respect), even though no one seems to be talking about either.

2. Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Like I previously stated, part if not most of my excitement (and what I imagine is the case for many of you) truly has little to do with who I will be watching, but merely the fact that I will be watching any high-level fights. While this is not exactly a point I can prove using any kind of empirical data, we’ve discussed the possibility of over-saturation in the UFC before and a good percentage of you seemed to agree that the frequency of UFC cards was having the opposite of the desired effect when it came to the frequency at which you purchased them. By simply giving UFC 152 a little time to stew and gain hype — the latter of which could at least partially be attributed to the awesome fan made trailers for the event — the UFC will more than likely reap the pay-per-view rewards of an unprecedented (as of late) month long gap in between cards come fight night.

Will it be Sonnen-level buys? Maybe so, maybe not, but by a show of hands, how many of you Taters plan on purchasing UFC 152 this weekend or at least traveling to the nearest bar to catch it? It’s probably a higher percentage than you would imagine given the headlining matchup at hand.

3. SQUASH MATCHES ARE AWESOME

You guys want a return to the PRIDE mentality? You want some good old fashioned freak show fights? How about a main event where the champion is currently listed at -800 over the challenger? Not good enough? How about a -1350 deathmatch featuring Anderson Silva and this guy? Whether the UFC is aware of it or not, they have slowly begun to adopt the mindset that made PRIDE so balls-to-the-wall awesome. Mainly, serving up a squash match or two to help the audience digest all of the “fair fights” that have been plauging the UFC as of late. They’re even bringing back the ref cam…eventually. And as soon as the UFC decides to throw caution to the wind and embrace this old-school mentality with 100% enthusiasm, it can only mean two things:

1) Martinez vs. Zimmer II

2) The UFC return of a certain Japanese HLUK-slaying legend.

So yes, the cancellation of UFC 151 was actually a good thing for the fans of the sport, excluding of course those who wound up with a hotel room, flight, and other expenses that they could not back out of. But like they say, to make an omelette, you gotta break some eggs, and do I really need to explain why the UFC needs this sort of omelette?

–J. Jones

And Now, A Knockout Even More Horrific Than The Demise of Tater Williams [VIDEO]


(From the guys who brought you Shockfights, Wheelchair MMA, and Ultimate Ball, comes the latest fighting craze to hit the UK: Narcoleptic Kickboxing.)  

Q: How do you know it’s a slow news day in the MMA world?

A: When CagePotato covers Jon Fitch interviewzzzz.

Now that we’ve all had time to digest that bit of heartbreaking news, I’ll be bringing you the sweetest knockouts from around the globe for the rest of the day, whether they be of the MMA variety, the kickboxing variety, or of the “two fat dudes throwing down for the right to the last spoonful of gravy” variety. Today’s next knockout comes to us from Los Angeles’ Memorial Sports Arena, which recently played host to the K-1 Rising 2012 US Grand Prix qualifying tournament and featured everyone from Kit Cope to Seth Petruzelli in action. With names like that, K-1 should at least be able to secure a better time slot than Manswers on the Spike TV lineup, right?

Anyways, the “Superfight” phase of the night began with a match pitting Japan’s Shuichi Wentz against American Romie Adanza. While saying that the fight ended in eerily similar fashion to the Tater Williams/Bond Laupua slugfest we witnessed this morning would be blasphemy, both fights did end in less than a minute and with one of the participants putting “five of these across the sneeze” of the other. And in both cases, those five things were toes rather than fingers, so do what you want with that.

But the big difference here was that we were not treated to a hilarious, dubstep(?) soundtracked “Dangler Alert” once one of the fighters was knocked out. Instead, we got to sit back and watch Adanza topple over like a fallen oak and then convulse like a caveman who had just been freed from an iceberg.

You tell us which is more entertaining.

Video after the jump.


(From the guys who brought you Shockfights, Wheelchair MMA, and Ultimate Ball, comes the latest fighting craze to hit the UK: Narcoleptic Kickboxing.)  

Q: How do you know it’s a slow news day in the MMA world?

A: When CagePotato covers Jon Fitch interviewzzzz.

Now that we’ve all had time to digest that bit of heartbreaking news, I’ll be bringing you the sweetest knockouts from around the globe for the rest of the day, whether they be of the MMA variety, the kickboxing variety, or of the “two fat dudes throwing down for the right to the last spoonful of gravy” variety. Today’s next knockout comes to us from Los Angeles’ Memorial Sports Arena, which recently played host to the K-1 Rising 2012 US Grand Prix qualifying tournament and featured everyone from Kit Cope to Seth Petruzelli in action. With names like that, K-1 should at least be able to secure a better time slot than Manswers on the Spike TV lineup, right?

Anyways, the “Superfight” phase of the night began with a match pitting Japan’s Shuichi Wentz against American Romie Adanza. While saying that the fight ended in eerily similar fashion to the Tater Williams/Bond Laupua slugfest we witnessed this morning would be blasphemy, both fights did end in less than a minute and with one of the participants putting “five of these across the sneeze” of the other. And in both cases, those five things were toes rather than fingers, so do what you want with that.

But the big difference here was that we were not treated to a hilarious, dubstep(?) soundtracked “Dangler Alert” once one of the fighters was knocked out. Instead, we got to sit back and watch Adanza topple over like a fallen oak and then convulse like a caveman who had just been freed from an iceberg.

Check the video out and just try to tell us that you found it more entertaining than the antics of the Tater. We dare you.


(The knockout comes at 5:30 and the disturbing replays come roughly a minute afterward.)

Good. Gravy.

We don’t mean to pull a Joe Rogan here, but we think this Houston Alexander Shuichi Wentz guy is for real.

–J. Jones

Sad Video of the Day: Behold, The First XARM Knockout of 2012


(Personally, I think this is a reasonable reaction.) 

We don’t mean to judge a book by it’s cover, but when that cover is a 327 lb man who goes by the name Tater Williams, it’s safe to say that he will more than likely end up on the wrong side of a knockout. Scratch that, a 327 lb dude named Tater Williams should most certainly end up on the RIGHT side of a knockout if anything. His name is freaking TATER FREAKING WILLIAMS, and he uses catchphrases like “Five of these across the sneeze,” and “You’re gonna get that about 147 times” in between asthmatic gasps for air. “That” being the aforementioned sneeze punches. Throw in the fact that Tater is apparently “a really great athlete” who has studied judo, wrestling, sambo, and had a high school wrestling record of 226-12* and Tater is not only looking like a well-rounded Goliath, but a man who could decimate Junior Dos Santos, Cain Velasquez, and Alistair Overeem without batting an eye. At the same time. While in a diabetic coma.

Sadly, things do go quite according to plan (have they ever, really?) in the next chapter of the XARM saga, a sport so hilariously misguided that it really makes you yearn for the subtle nuances of wheelchair MMA. In today’s contest, Tater finds himself matched up against the slightly slimmer Bond Laupua (I swear to God I am not making these names up), who is quick to admit that “I don’t really have a strategy” heading into the fight. The announcers inform us that Tater’s gameplan was to gain weight. HOW DID HE LOSE THIS.

Join us after the jump to see two bears wrestle over a jar of honey until one falls down. 


(Personally, I think this is a reasonable reaction.) 

We don’t mean to judge a book by it’s cover, but when that cover is a 327 lb man who goes by the name Tater Williams, it’s safe to say that he will more than likely end up on the wrong side of a knockout. Scratch that, a 327 lb dude named Tater Williams should most certainly end up on the RIGHT side of a knockout if anything. His name is freaking TATER FREAKING WILLIAMS, and he uses catchphrases like “Five of these across the sneeze,” and “You’re gonna get that about 147 times” in between asthmatic gasps for air. “That” being the aforementioned sneeze punches. Throw in the fact that Tater is apparently “a really great athlete” who has studied judo, wrestling, sambo, and had a high school wrestling record of 226-12* and Tater is not only looking like a well-rounded Goliath, but a man who could decimate Junior Dos Santos, Cain Velasquez, and Alistair Overeem without batting an eye. At the same time. While in a diabetic coma.

Sadly, things do go quite according to plan (have they ever, really?) in the next chapter of the XARM saga, a sport so hilariously misguided that it really makes you yearn for the subtle nuances of wheelchair MMA. In today’s contest, Tater finds himself matched up against the slightly slimmer Bond Laupua (I swear to God I am not making these names up), who is quick to admit that “I don’t really have a strategy” heading into the fight. The announcers inform us that Tater’s gameplan was to gain weight. HOW DID HE LOSE THIS.

See how below.

Well, at least it was quick.

Is it just us, or when Tater and Bond are “jogging for position” as one of the announcers put it (we think he meant jockeying), does it look like they both got their hand stuck in the same pickle jar and are desperately trying to get the last one at the bottom? And speaking of announcers, you just gotta love that when the knockout abruptly comes, the “color commentator” simply gives a delayed “Holy shit!” I guess the color he specializes in is brown, amiright guys?! *crickets*

But alas, a knee at the 1:30 mark forces Tater to go into Bob Sapp mode, except he can’t fall to the ground because his other arm is attached to that of his opponent’s. A few kicks to the face and that is all she wrote for the Tater, whose chicken pot pie will taste just a little bit worse tonight. Laupua followed through on his promise to knock Williams out on the feet and leave “300 pounds dangling” from the XARM table. Now go collect your trophy, which probably looks something like this, and let’s move on.

Come to think of it, we should try to get Sapp to convert to this freak show. His “striking” technique would fit in perfectly with the drunken baby style that XARM has nearly trademarked, he would get punched far less, and he could finally fight guys somewhere near his skill level. Or we could witness the first submission to strikes in XARM history. Either way, the audience clearly wins.

Now Goldstein, what do I have to do to get some CP shirts made with Tater fist-posing on the front and the phrase “Five of these across the sneeze” on the back? Seriously, I’ll give a week’s pay if I have to.

*I cannot confirm any of that, nor have I bothered to research it. His name is Tater, therefore he is telling the truth. Besides, his reputation clearly precedes him. 

–J. Jones