Remember the Michael Phelps diet? Ever watched that July 4 hot dog eating festival contest thing? You know how they’re both kind of disgusting but also kind of fascinating and completely and unadulteratedly entertaining?
So take those two ideas, mix them together, stuff them into a five-ounce MMA glove, sprinkle it with Oreos and you’ve got the typical Saturday night for UFC lightweight Joe Lauzon.
All right, so it was a Monday afternoon, and actually decidedly atypical. But you get the idea. Lauzon dished out some serious gluttony when he and several teammates at Lauzon Mixed Martial Arts, Lauzon’s new gym in Massachusetts, competed earlier this week in what they dubbed a food decathlon.
Could it be a second career for the fan favorite? Could he be the next Eater X? If so, no one should be surprised. This is, after all, the same guy who competed last year in a Russian hamburger-eating contest. What can you say? The man seems to enjoy gurgitating almost as much as he enjoys fighting.
Anyway, here are the ground rules on the decathlon: Be the first to eat the following 10 items in order:
— One KFC Double Down sandwich
— One Five Guys cheeseburger
— One Doritos Locos Taco
— One small order of french fries
— Five Chicken McNuggets
— One 10 oz. glass of milk
— One slice of Papa Gino’s pizza
— Two Dunkin Donuts
— One Burger King Hershey’s Pie
— Five Double Stuf Oreo cookies
Lauzon didn’t win—that distinction would belong to gym-mate and featherweight(!) Matt Pestena—but it’s the effort that’s important. And by “important,” I mean “horrifying.”
Lauzon did seem to put up a valiant effort, though, as he apparently was able to get everything down. Now the keeping it down part didn’t seem to go as well. But hey, nobody’s perfect. And that’s why we train, right? It’s not how we fall, Joe Lauzon. It’s how we get back up. Some day you’ll conquer this mountain, sir. Some day.
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