(“You look very familiar, bro. Verrrrry familiar.” / Image via buzzbox.com)
The UFC makes its first stop in Belo Horizonte, Brazil, tonight for an extraordinarily cursed card that, let’s face it, we probably wouldn’t be watching if it wasn’t our job. Wanderlei Silva is fighting Rich Franklin again, this time at a 190-pound catchweight. (Also known as “middleweight plus.”) Fabricio Werdum is battling fellow big-man Mike Russow. And some guys from TUF Brazil are fighting too, although not all of the ones who should be. It is what it is. I’m guessing that very few of you will be buying this card, but if you’re out doing something more interesting tonight, please use your smart phones to follow along when you can.
Handling the thankless liveblog duties for this evening is Anthony Gannon, who will be layin’ down round-by-round updates from the UFC 147 pay-per-view main card after the jump, beginning at 10 p.m. ET. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest. And to prevent this from becoming the least-commented CagePotato liveblog of all time, I encourage you to use the comments section to discuss anything that comes to mind. Seriously, it doesn’t have to be UFC related. I’ll give you a topic to start off with: Germany invaded Poland earlier today. Do you think America should get involved?
Please stand by…
UFC 146, son! Bring on the wings, Natty Ice, and some of dem ho’s, cause I’m fittin’ to lose my mind. Up in here. Up in here. Oh wait, UFC 146 was last month. This is UFC 147, ya know, the one that should be free on the FUEL channel no one gets, right after All-Star Bass Fishing. Yep, they only bring me out for the important shit.
I’m not going to go so far as to say that UFC 147 is a suck-ass card, per se, but it’s certainly not worthy of $50. Hell, that Grant can be used to buy so many other things: a night of serious drinking at the local bar (happy hour of course), an intimate dinner for two at Denny’s, or, if you’re fortunate enough to find a massage joint randy enough to specialize in over 50 masseuses, a nice rub n’ tug. Hey, don’t knock experience, bitch. That shit counts.
This card is so bad it’s rumored that the UFC didn’t even bother sending Rogan and Goldy down for it. Instead, Goldy’s role is being filled by a Magic 8 ball with uber-white bottom teeth programmed with redundant phrases like, “These guys train hard, Joe.” Rogan will be replaced with a hologram set to repeat, “Nice leg kick” every 19 seconds.
Previously scheduled to be Silva vs. Vitor Belfort, this is a much better fight for Wandy. Rich Franklin is a bad dude, but he aint a killer like Vitor. I know we all love Wandy n’ all, but let’s be honest, Vitor would give him a severe beating ala Colonel Braddock on General Yin. It wasn’t that Yin was a chump. Quite the contrary. But Braddock was just a much better fighter, plus Yin put a rat in a bag and tied it to Braddock’s head, while hanging him upside down with his hands tied behind his back. Such acts tend to have a lasting effect on people and make them a tad vengeful. Incidentally, seven years of confinement, torture, and malnutrition didn’t much affect Braddock physically as he was able to easily beat Yin to death before he bounced up outta that piece.
Anyway, if recent history is any indication, though, tonight’s fights should be kick ass. The worse a card looks on paper, the better the fights are. It’s like a cosmological joke, or something. So let’s get pumped for a phenomenal card, because hot DAMN does this one look like dog shit.
We begin with a scan of the crowd, and they look fired up. Apparently no one told the Brazilians that this is a weak card. Rogan and Goldy play up the significance of the main event. And it’s very difficult to take Rich Franklin seriously when that hair makes him look like Lloyd Christmas.
Yuri Alcantara vs. Hacran Dias
Holy shit, Buffer busts out some Portuguese.
Round 1: God Arianny is hot. Here we go. Yuri fakes a kick. He charges forward, Dias pushes him into the cage, going for a trip, eventually gets it. He peppers Yuri with a few shots. Dias looking to take Yuri’s back. Now he’s on top, looking for a head and arm triangle, but the cage is in his way. Yuri is out of trouble, but still has Dias on top of him. Dias blasts him with an elbow. Yuri is up, but Dias slams him back to the mat. He’s in Yuri’s full guard. Dias controlling Yuri, but not doing much damage. Now Dias lands a few good ones. Yuri reverses out and is on Dias’ back, kneeing him in the ass. Dias has a standing Kimura, and they break. They end the round by trading kicks.
Round 2: Flying knee by Dias, skims Yuri. Yuri misses a hook. Dias misses a leg kick. Yuri lands a body kick and clinches, tries to take Dias down but ends up on the bottom. Shitty break. Dias working the body. Lands a decent elbow. Yuri goes for an armbar, looks pretty nasty, but Dias is out. He jumps back into Yuri’s guard. Yuri looks eerily relaxed down there. Someone needs to tell him he’s losing this fight. Dias passes to half guard. Yuri is back to his feet. Dias is having none of that and takes him down again. He’s in half guard, trying to pass to mount, but Yuri is hanging tough. Dias is dropping elbows, mostly being blocked. They get stood up for lack of action. Dias with a front kick. Yuri with a nice straight left, but he’s now down two rounds to none.
Round 3: Yuri looks like someone gave him a lude. He needs to get going. He lands a shot. Then misses a combo. Yuri lands a kick. Dias to the body in return, then hits a leg kick. Yuri misses with a huge bomb. Dias kicks the body, Yuri catches it and shrugs it off. Leg kick checked by Yuri. Dias has Yuri against the cage, scores another takedown. He peppering Yuri with little shots to the head. Yuri is up, and Dias plants him yet again. He’s in Yuri’s guard, and the crowd is getting restless. They get stood up again. Now with 40 seconds left, Yuri comes alive. He’s on top, in half guard, lands some decent shots. Too little too late, more than likely. We go to the judges.
Dias wins unanimous decision, 29-28, 30-27, and 30-27.
Next up is Fabricio Werdum vs. Mike Russow
Russow roles out to ‘Simple Man.’ Sweet.
While we have a minute, walkout music needs to be addressed. It pretty much sucks ass and is getting progressively worse. Why wouldn’t a guy come out to ‘Run to the Hills’ by Iron Maiden? That song makes me want to drop indiscriminant bombs on unsuspecting villagers. Some of these songs make me want to snuggle up on the couch with a Marcel Proust novel and a cup of hot cocoa. With marshmallows. I’m just waiting for someone to come out to Air Supply. Granted, one would be hard pressed to find a lovelier tune than ‘I’m All Outta Love,’ but you’re only supposed to listen to that shit in the confines of your car with the windows securely shut, like any decent person. This issue is imperative to the future of the sport and needs to be addressed at the next fighter summit.
Round 1: Herb Dean is the ref and we’re set to go. Russow charges forward with a couple short jabs. Werdum grabs Russow and delivers a knee. They clinch, and separate. Russow with a nice hook. Werdum with a huge leg kick, then a left to the face. He lands a right too. A big uppercut drops Russow, and Werdum commences to batter Russow’s head with hammer fists. Herb kindly steps in and halts the action.
Russow is a tough guy, but this is what happens when you match a part time fighter against a Top 10 heavyweight.
Werdum takes home a TKO victory at 2:28 of the first round.
Godofredo Pepev vs. Rony Mariano is up next.
Rony is crying on his way to the cage, wearing a Jason mask to boot. Very cool contrast of emotions.
See this is what I’m talking about. Fredo rolls out to Disturbed. Nice.
These cats are scrapping to be the featherweight TUF: Brazil winner. Mike Goldberg gives us a sociology lesson on humble beginnings and what winning this would mean.
Round 1: Fredo pushes forward with a right, clinches Rony against the cage. He delivers a knee. Rony answers with a knee of his own. Fredo charges again, has Rony against the cage. Fredo actually pulls guard. He’s looking for a Kimura. Rony is free. Fredo delivers a few punches to Rony’s back. Rony is just holding on for dear life. They get stood up. Rony misses a head kick by a mile, but lands a nice leg kick. Fredo jumps in and catches a flying knee to the grill. He then pulls guard again and lands a few elbows to the dome. Fredo is pretty active down there, but he ends the round on the bottom.
Round 2: Leg kick by Fredo. Rony with a jab to the body. And another. Fredo misses a high kick, but lands a left. Another body jab by Rony. Rony misses an overhand right, and they tie up. Fredo pulls guard again. Rony finally realizes he’s allowed to strike from top position, lands an elbow. Fredo is up. Fredo charges forward wildly, and eats a coupe shots for his effort. Rony lands a nice left. Fredo with a leg kick. Rony kicks to the body, Fredo catches it and throws him off. Fredo lands a left hook, and a jab. Rony with a nice overhand right. Fredo misses a spinning back fist. Damn, Rony misses a wheel kick to end the round.
Round 3: Fredo kicks high, Rony blocks. Rony lands a huge right, rocks Fredo. They’re clinched against the cage, now they separate. Fredo misses another spinning backfist by a mile. Wild exchange by both guys. Rony lands a straight right. Fredo kicks Rony in the jimmy. Rony is nursing his jewels, and we’re all set to go again. Jab by Fredo. Big shot from Rony, misses with a flying knee. Fredo going for a takedown, decides to just pull guard again, and why not, it’s worked out so well for him thus far. Rony is kicking Fredo’s legs, refuses to jump into guard again. Now they’re up. Inside leg kick from Fredo. Rony misses a wild left, then lands a right. He gets hit in the pills again. Rony’s looking pretty miserable. And we’re back. Spinning kick glances Rony’s ribs. Rony goes for a takedown to end the round, fails, and they keep going after the bell for some reason.
Rony wins a unanimous decision, 29-28 across the board.
Cezar Ferreira vs. Sergio Moraes are on deck for the middleweight TUF crown.
Sergio dances into the cage with some of the tightest shorts of all time.
Round 1: They touch and it’s on. Sergio charges and swings wildly. Cezar lands a Capoeira kick. He grabs Sergio by the back of the head and punches him in the face. Cezar lands a knee to the body. Sergio misses another wild hook. Body kick by Sergio. Then a leg kick. Cezar with an overhand left. Cezar charges in, Sergio backs him up with a big right. Elbow by Sergio. Cezar kicks Sergio in the pills. DAMN, the replay shows directly to the pills. That had to suck. And he’s ready to go. Sergio swings wildly again, blocked by Cezar. Wild exchange by both guys, Sergio gets the better of it. Cezar with a front kick, and a high kick that’s blocked. That’s the round.
Round 2: Sergio has a weird half smile on his face, and we’re set to go again. Cezar lands a left. Sergio tries to pull guard. Cezar drops Sergio. Lands a wheel kick, drops Sergio again, and lets him up. Cezar misses a high kick. So does Sergio. Sergio shoots, gets easily stuffed. Cezar with an overhand right, comes up short on a flying knee. The crowd chants. Goldy informs us that it’s “something in Portuguese.” Cezar with a kick to the body. Sergio is battering Cezar with wild punches. Cezar fights back with a few of his own. This just got a hell of a lot better. Goldy fucks it up as usual by comparing it to Forrest/Stephan. The round closes with the crowd going nuts.
Round 3: They embrace to start the third. Front kick to the body by Cezar. He drops Sergio with an uppercut, and let’s him up. Cezar is terrified to go to the ground with Sergio, second time he let him up. Cezar misses a kick, as does Sergio. Now Sergio lands one to the body. Cezar barely brushes Sergio with a pair of front kicks. Sergio lands a straight right that stuns Cezar. Cezar whiffs an overhand left. Cezar charges forward, misses. Sergio tags Cezar. They aren’t really throwing much. Cezar is hesitant, then drops Sergio with a straight left. He’s kicking the legs, still will not jump on top of Sergio. The round ends with a tough decision for the judges.
Cezar wins a unanimous decision, 29-28, 30-27. and 30-27 to become the middleweight TUF winner.
Rogan tells Cezar he’s the first Ultimate Fighter winner. That would be cool if there weren’t already about 90 seasons in the books.
And the main event is next. Rich Franklin vs. Wanderlei Silva
Rich gets a raw deal. He’s mocked as a ‘company man,’ as Dana White’s boy. But I gots to imagine being D. White’s boy comes with some sweet bennies. Rich makes that long dough, and word has it he only has to caddy when Dana AND Lorenzzo hit the greens, so that aint that bad. Plus they know Rich is always going to come in-shape, win or lose he always fights his guts out, and this cat will have a black eye, which the medical community is at a loss to explain.
Hey, some things are just unexplainable in this life: JFK assassination, Loch Ness Monster, how Heidi Klum spent all those years married to that ugly mother fucker Seal, and how in the name of all that is holy Rich Franklin has had a Goddamn black eye for the past six years.
Anyway, considering their limited options, the UFC must be given credit for finding Wandy a suitable replacement, even if it is a rematch. At a catchweight. With absolutely no divisional relevance whatsoever. The only better option would have been to get Wandy’s plastic surgeon in the cage with him so he could get some revenge on that bastard for doing whateverthefuck weird thing he did to Wandy’s face that makes him look like a serial killer from the Dagobah system. And to further expound on that topic, I never in a million years thought I’d say this, but Wandy’s opponent actually looks creepier than he does. What is with Rich’s hair? Midlife crisis? Lost a bet? He should just buy a Vet already and be done with it. No need to go around at Rich’s age looking like a soft ass teenage boy who wears Capris and flip flops.
Damn, Rich rolls out to some AC/DC, but he’s wearing some pink ass shorts, small ones too. Weird.
Wandy comes out to some fist pump shit, looking real intense though.
I’m having an extremely difficult time focusing on my duties what with Rich’s hair n’ all. That must be the point though. It must be a tactical move. There’s just no other explanation as to why someone would choose to walk around looking like that. This is war, god dammit, and hilarious distractions are part of the mutha fuckin’ competition. That was Sun Tzu, if I’m not mistaken. We must never forget what the late, great Patrice O’Neal said about African rebels, how they fight wearing “sweat pants and tuxedo shoes.” You think that’s just cause they lack uniform funds? Sheeeeeeeeeeeet. That’s strategy, cuz. They know you look at em laughing your ass off, with their sweat pants, dress shoes, UNLV t-shirts and pink Yankee caps. But then they start machete hacking your fucking arms off and you know they aint playin’. Then it’s too late. It’s no different than Rich’s Dumb and Dumber hairdo.
Round 1: Wandy opens up with a kick to the legs. Rich throws a kick, gets blasted in the face. Wandy lands a left. Rich with a straight left, and again,. Rich with a jab. High kick by Wandy, caught by Rich. Rich lands a short hook, stuns Wandy. Rich with another good shot. Rich with a nice punch kick combo. Jab by Rich. Wandy fires back with a right. Rich with a body kick. Wandy lands a kick to the face. Another, blocked by Rich though. Rich lands a couple shots. Rich with a high kick of his own, and round 1 is in the books.
Round 2: Wandy skims a right, lands a leg kick, then falls. They trade big misses. Wandy goes upstairs, Rich gets out of the way. Rich with a nice shot to the head. Rich unloads with a few. And again. Wandy jabs. Wandy misses, Rich lands to the body. Wandy lands to the head. Rich goes to the body again, and to the head. He’s picking Wandy apart. Wandy strikes back though, lands a couple hooks, rocks Rich, OH MY GOD and knocks Franklin on his ass, swarming on him. Rich grabs a leg, and is barely surviving. Wandy is kicking his ass! WOW, Franklin survives the round, but he’s looking rough.
Round 3: Franklin looks OK, but he took a whooping. Let’s see how he holds up here. Rich kicks to the body. Now he punches to the body. Wandy with a head kick, blocked. Rich is jabbing away. Rich lands a solid kick to Wandy’s ribs. Rich just keeps sticking that jab out there. Wandy isn’t throwing anything. Another body kick by Franklin. Straight left by Rich. Wandy with a nice jab, and answered with another body kick. Rich with a pair of straight lefts, then scores a takedown. Franklin moves to half guard, and is delivering some nice elbows and punches to close out the round.
Round 4: Wandy jumps in, misses a hook. Rich misses a shot, Wandy connects with a short hook. Rich goes to the body again. Rich jabs, then connects with a straight left. And another. Then a right hook. Wandy looks rough. Hard shot to the body. Rich is just standing on the outside and jabbing Wandy to death. Oof, Rich takes a nasty one to the sack. That’s what you get for wearing those tiny pink shorts though. Rich looks recovered and here we go. Rich lands a shot, Wandy answers back. Another jab by Rich. Wandy with a left to the grill. And a right. Rich sticks a straight left. Wandy tags Rich to end the round.
Round 5: Nice bro hug to start things off. And Wandy blocks a jab with his forehead. Wandy kicks high, Rich isn’t there to eat it. Another jab by Rich. Wandy with a nice left hook. Rich is jabbing away. Wandy wades in with a knee, eats a shot for it. Another jab. Rich lands a left. Franklin is dancing around, jabbing away. Not a whole lot happening in this final round. Wandy gets in his face, looking to end hard, lands a huge right. And another. And another. This is the tsunami we’ve been waiting for. Thanks for waiting until the end of the fight, Wandy. Silva swarming, Franklin ends the round by knocking Wandy down with a short shot. Rich should take this decision.
Rich Franklin takes the unanimous decision with 49-46 across the board.
The translations are killing me. Bascially, Rich showed off his Portuguese, and Wandy fights for the people.
That’s it people, thanks for getting your chill on with me. We’ll be back tomorrow to analyze this shit.