(Yep. A whole lot of regrettable tats in this room. / Photo via MMAFighting.com)
Sit back, warm up your jaws, and get ready for CagePotato’s main card liveblog of UFC 160. The pay-per-view broadcast will be popping off at 10 p.m. ET / 7 p.m. PT, and your friend George Shunick will be sticking round-by-round results after the jump.
On tonight’s menu: Cain Velasquez will attempt to defend his heavyweight title against his old buddy Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva, while ex-champ Junior Dos Santos and Mark Hunt throw down for the next crack at the belt. Plus, light-heavyweights Glover Teixeira and James Te Huna put their three-fight win streaks on the line, lightweights Gray Maynard and TJ Grant meet in a potential #1 lightweight contender’s match, and Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone opens things off by roping an outmatched calf named KJ Noons.
Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest, and let your voices be heard in the comments section. Thanks for being here, guys.
Welcome, vagabonds. I hope you’re all enjoying your Memorial Day weekend festivities, but not so much that you don’t have the chance to indulge in some legal blood-letting tonight. You have the top two heavyweights trying to set up their third meeting in the near future, a fan-favorite, heavy-handed underdog who will do everything in his power to stop that, an ascendant light heavyweight in Glover Teixeira who could conceivably receive a title shot following an impressive victory, and a pair of exceptional lightweight tilts, including a certain title eliminator. Satisfied? Now sit down, fill your morbidly obese face with the last scraps of Taco Bell and the cold pisswater you call beer and prepare to bear witness to another glorious night of carnage.
Alright, the main card’s about to start. Predictions anyone? I’ve got Cerrone, Maynard, Teixeira, Dos Santos, and Velasquez. Not exciting, I know. I wouldn’t be surprised if Grant and Hunt pulled off upsets, though, and I can totally see Cerrone getting drawn into a boxing match he can’t win. Still, favorites are favorites for a reason. What about yourselves, Potato Nation? Call them upsets now, before they happen.
Alright, time for the fights…
KJ Noons vs. Donald Cerrone
Cerrone should take this; his ground game is vastly superior to Noons’, and if he uses his kicks to dictate the range the fight is fought at, he should win handily. However, Cerrone has a penchant for losing his cool and engaging in boxing matchups against guys with much better hands than him. Noons is one of those guys. Let’s see which Cerrone shows up. Either way, this won’t be dull.
Round 1
Noons starts out with low kicks. Cerrone attempts a takedown and throws a knee. Lands a nice right. Nice jab from Cerrone. Low kick from Noons. Cerrone misses a headkick. He lands a counter jab. Noons is cut next to his right eye. Cerrone goes for another headkick but its blocked. Noons still landing low kicks. Nice kick to the liver from Cerrone. Now a kick to Noons’ left side. Nice knee from Cerrone as Noons attempts to rush him. Noons blocks a high kick. Cerrone lands a takedown, but Noons scrambles up quickly. They exchange kicks. Noons lands another low kick. Cerrone answers with a much harder one. Cerrone accidentally lands a low blow, acknowledges it, but Noons is fine. Strong knee to the body from Cerrone. KJ lands a jab. 1-1-2 from Noons. BIG combo from Cerrone. Landed 4 punches before a big head kick that partially connected. Another headkick partially lands, but Noons circled away from it. The round ends, 10-9 Cerrone.
Round 2
Cerrone lands a takedown to open the round, and in the scramble lands a knee as Noons stands. Noons lands a jab. he’s looking for a rear uppercut, but he’s telegraphing it. Nice counter hook from Cerrone. As Noons rushes in, Cerrone circles out and lands a cross. Noons answers with his own. Cerrone grabs a Muay Thai clinch and lands a knee to the face. Noons lands a combination, but Cerrone is unfazed. Cerrone lands a hard leg kick, but both men have slowed, especially Noons.Hard kick to the liver from Cerrone. Noons answers with a hard left hook. Nice knee to the body from Cerrone. Noons answers with a left hook. He lands a jab as Cerrone circles away. He hits a spinning backfist, rushes in, and gets taken down for his effort. Cerrone works in Noons’ guard, landing short hammerfists. Noons tries to puch him off with his legs, but Cerrone uses this to pass to half-guard. He works Noons’ head and body. Noons isn’t taking much damage, but he doesn’t have an answer for Cerrone. Cerrone moves to side control as the round ends. 10-9 Cerrone.
Round 3
The doctors had a look at Noons’ right eye before the round, but the fight continues. Low switch kick from Cerrone. Cerrone landing his jab, then follows with a hook. Front kick Cerrone. Noons goads him on, but looks exhausted. Both men miss combinations. Noons lands a cross and hook as he moves forward. However, this costs him again, as Cerrone changes levels and takes him down. Cerrone landing shots from Noons’ guard, working elbows and punches. Noons is cut. Noons tries to escape, but in the scramble they end up right back where they began. Cerrone landing hard elbows. Noons is really beginning to bleed. He tries to return fire from the bottom, but it’s a futile gesture. Elbows to the body and the head from Cerrone. Noons has nothing to threaten him with. Cerrone passes to half-guard, and then to side control. Cerrone lands solid punches. Blood is in Noons’ eyes, and Cerrone works short punches from the top as the round expires. Round 10-9, fight 30-27 for Donald Cerrone.
The judges agree with me, except for one who saw it 30-26 for Cerrone. It was a one-sided, bloody beatdown, continuing the bloodshed from the prelims. As many have already observed, this might be the bloodiest UFC card ever. And the heavyweights haven’t even hit the octagon yet.
TJ Grant vs. Gray Maynard
TJ Grant is my boy, mostly because of his beard and standing elbows, but much as I want him to win, I don’t think he has an answer for Gray Maynard’s wrestling. It’s a shame, really. Title fights could do with more standing elbows.
Round 1
A tentative start for both fighters. That doesn’t last long. Maynard lands a left hook. Big uppercut from Maynard. Then a right hand and left hook. Maynard’s shots are explosive. Grant counters with a right. Maynard is just bulling forward. TJ lands a cross counter. Big right from Grant that hurts Maynard, but Gray fights his way out. GRANT DROPS MAYNARD WITH A RIGHT!!! Maynard stands and he’s dropped by Grant’s flurry! He manages to stand again, but the same result befalls him! The referee steps in, and TJ Grant just earned himself a title shot.
Mike Goldberg is interviewing some dude who won a lot of money in poker and asks him how poker compares to the UFC. It’s a stupid, stupid question, and the entire thing is a plug for a company the Fertittas invest in, but since I wholeheartedly approve of legal (and illegal) degenerate gambling, I suppose I can’t bring myself to mock the segment too much.
Glover Teixeira vs. James Te Huna
Yeah, Glover’s winning this.
Round 1
They touch gloves and exchange in the center of the octagon. Teixeira works for a takedown, doesn’t get it, but lands a hard right as they separate. Fists are flying, but most aren’t landing. Teixeira lands a takedown, and immediately passes to half-guard. The audience chants loudly, and it’s apparent there are plenty of Brazilians in attendance. Te Huna regains guard as he eats shots from the top. Glover proceeds to pass to half-guard again. Te Huna stands, however, but Glover goes for an arm-in guillotine and it’s over! Te Huna taps quickly, and that’s that. 19 in a row for Teixeira.
Mike Tyson congratulates Teixeira in the octagon afterwards, as does Chuck Liddell. That went about as expected. Bring on the heavies.
Before we get treated to a re-run of Brian Bowles getting his ass kicked by George Roop, we get a quick celebrity cut to Lil Jon in the audience. Lil Jon is apparently a celebrity by UFC standards. In other news, the bar for “celebrity” has been set so low by the UFC, James Cameron had to go to the bottom of the Mariana Trench to get it.
Mark Hunt vs. Junior Dos Santos
There isn’t really anything left to say about Mark Hunt that hasn’t already been said. He was born down. That’s all you need to know. On any other night, Junior Dos Santos would probably be the most likeable fighter on the card. Not tonight. But for all that, Hunt’s ground game is still a glaring Achilles heel. If he manages to best Dos Santos in the standup – far from a given – he had better make short work of it lest the fight hit the ground. Godspeed, you crazy bastard, you. Meanwhile, “Cigano” looks determined. I wouldn’t envy anyone in his way.
Round 1
AWESOME staredown. They touch gloves. Low kick from Hunt. Overhand from Dos Santos. Hunt rolls with it. Counter left hook from Hunt lands. He’s looking for that hook. He lands it again. And again. Hunt rushes in and lands some more. BIG RIGHT FROM JUNIOR DROPS HUNT. Hunts recovers and stands, but he’s wobbly. Hunt with two big swings and misses. Hunt misses a cross counter. Dos Santos goes for the overhand, but it misses. He evades Hunt’s shots and lands a right. Then a jab to the body. Junior is cut, however, above the right eye. Both men land rights. Spinning backfist from Hunt and left from Dos Santos. Kick from Dos Santos. Hunt misses a big overhand, but Junior doesn’t miss his! The round ends, 10-9 Dos Santos.
Round 2
Big right hand from Hunt, followed by and overhand from Junior. Dos Santos misses a wicked left hook. Hunt lands a kick and hook of his own. Kick from Hunt answered with a right from Dos Santos. Hunt lands a counter left hook. And another. Cigano misses the overhand. But lands a nice jab. Right to the body from Hunt. They exchange jabs. Another big overhand right followed by a jab from Dos Santos. More jabs. Hunt parries two and chases after him to no avail. Spinning back kick to the body from Dos Santos. Hunt lands two short rights. jab from Dos Santos. Hunt misses an overhand, but lands a big combination against the fence. Dos Santos decides to go for the takedown, however, and lands it to the chagrin of the crowd. He’s in half-guard and looks briefly for a kimura, but instead works on short punches. Dos Santos passes to side control, and works elbows from a crucifix. Hunt escapes and stands at the bell. 10-9 Dos Santos.
Round 3
Counter left from Dos Santos as Hunt looks for the killshot. Counter left from Hunt now. jab from Hunt. Hunt lands a right, but he’s not really hurting Dos Santos, who lands a jab. Dos Santos lands a counter hook. Hunt is tired. Jab from Hunior, but he misses the big overhand. Hunt misses a left hook. Dos Santos lands some close punches, and they exchange jabs. Dos Santos pumping his jab and lands a counter cross. Dos Santos is busting out the combos. Hunt lands a kick to the midsection. Hunt misses an overhand. Dos Santos lands an uppercut. A left from Dos Santos staggers Hunt. Hunt swings bombs to get Junior off his back. Hunt staggers forward INTO A SPINNING BACK KICK FROM DOS SANTOS THAT DROPS HIM!! WOW. WOW. Dos Santos leaps out of the octagon to shake Mike Tyson’s hand. Amazing finish.
Didn’t see that one coming. Kudos to Dos Santos for going all out despite leading through almost three full rounds. Looks like he’ll get that title shot he wanted. It’s impossible not to be happy for the man as he gleefully shouts “I WONNNN!”
WTF WHY AM I WATCHING AN ONLINE POKER AD?? AND A HARLEY DAVIDSON AD??? THIS IS PAY PER VIEW, I DEMAND A LACK OF INANE COMMERCIALS! IN ALL CAPS!! Seriously, low brow stuff from the UFC here. Just bring on the title fight, already.
Cain Velasquez vs. Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva
Let’s be real. Unless Silva catches Cain fooling around the feet, or somehow gets on top of him, he’s not winning this fight. Cain has the edge in cardio, speed and technique. So long as he can keep his distance and land takedowns, the fight is his to lose. If he wins, as expected, it will set up a rubber match with Dos Santos. Can’t think of any reason not to root for that. Unless you’re Bigfoot Silva.
Round 1
Can we get a .gif of Silva shoulder-shimmying as Buffer announces his name, please? That would make my night. Cain pushes forward and looks for a single. Bigfoot escapes. Cain lands a right. Silva looks for an uppercut. Cain attempts another takedown, but eats a kick when they separate. Low kick from Cain. Right hand drops Bigfoot!!! Bigfoot turtles, and Cain continues to unload until Mario Yamasaki pulls him away. Well, that was quick. It may have been slightly premature, but definitely justifiable. Things weren’t going to get any better for Silva.
That’s that, Potato Nation. Enjoy your weekends responsibly. (Kidding, recklessness suits you better.)