(Don’t worry, Fido, we’re pissed we can’t hump her leg either.)
Thanks to the athletic supplement brand Gamma Labs, my penis has officially never been more confused in its life. It’s like a nervous groundhog down there, unsure of whether or not we’ll have six more weeks of winter. And all in the name of Christmas.
Picture this scenario: Brittney Palmer is in your living room, counting down the 12 days of Christmas in red lingerie, preferably while you wait for her evil but equally hot doppelganger to arrive and help you pick out stocking stuffers together (BA-DUM-TSH!). Sounds awesome, right? Now picture that, as you’re about to lay this gorgeous piece of work down by the fireplace, she suddenly morphs into PETE FREAKING SELL, complete with two black eyes and a shitload of tinsel (and probably a cold cut combo somewhere in there). Then Shane Carwin shows up. Then Chuck Liddell. Then Joe Stevenson and an army of caroling children. And so on. And so forth. It is a hellish nightmare that I wouldn’t wish upon the dingus of my worst enemy, yet Gamma Labs has spawned forth this erectoral purgatory on us all seemingly as some sort of cruel holiday joke.
And now, TO THE AWARDS!
Best Singing Voice: Tom Lawler. Dude’s got a croon that would shame Bing Crosby into cutting out his own vocal chords with a spork.
Most Enthusiasm: Easily Urijah Faber, although we hear he tweeted an x-ray photo of the dislocated shoulder he suffered immediately after the shoot was over.
Best Non-Brittney Moment: Johny Hendricks floating face down in a hot tub, likely screaming about why GSP is such a pussy and how he wishes Nick Diaz was never born.
Saddest Moment: Seeing that Joe Stevenson, a former UFC title challenger, is now training at the same dojo where Cosmo Kramer once dominated the white belt karate circuit. Even worse, “Big Daddy” is still getting choked out in practice.