DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.
Anheuser-Busch respects women, and would never support sexism in any way.
The family-friendly Anheuser-Busch corporation has just been turned upside down. Former Bud Light mascot Spuds MacKenzie has been found guilty in the state of Nevada of sexually harassing multiple women while employed by Anheuser-Busch. Furthermore, Anheuser-Busch is being investigated for its role in MacKenzie’s crimes, as victims say that the harassment was not only encouraged by fellow employees, but that the victims were vehemently discouraged from filing complaints while they were employed by the company.
The charges against MacKenzie read like the sex-depraved fantasies of a twelve year old boy. Among them include the complaints of Carol Grey, who played the role of “Hot Blond Chick” in many Bud Light commercials. Grey revealed that MacKenzie would repeatedly order her to smack him on the ass during commercial shoots, as well as force her to publically praise MacKenzie’s sexual conquests on numerous occasions.
A shocking video from the Anheuser-Busch archives captured the incident in question:
Notable accusations were also made by Mileena Johnson, who played the role of “Tits and/or Ass #14” throughout her career with Bud Light. Johnson accused Spuds MacKenzie of forcing her to use her breasts to massage MacKenzie’s neck, and that Spuds threatened to rape her if she didn’t comply. She claims that he told her to, in his own words, “Rub them titties on my neck or I’ll hump the shit out of your leg. And then your vagina.” Johnson also accused MacKenzie of voyeurism, although charges were eventually dropped. As with Grey, Johnson was able to use a video from the Anheuser-Busch archives to support her claims.
Spuds MacKenzie was defended by Attorney Alistair Overeem, who blamed irresponsible members of Bud Light film crews for the incidents in question. Said Alistair Overeem, Esq., “My client absolutely does not believe in, nor does he take part in, the objectification of women. At least when he’s sober.”
Attorney Overeem went on to explain that former members of Bud Light’s film crew would offer Spuds MacKenzie moonshine before shooting commercials. Spuds did not know that moonshine contained alcohol, and therefore would consume as many as seven shots of moonshine before coming into contact with his victims. While Spuds MacKenzie felt sorry that his victims had to endure months of harassment, he also recognized that the incidents were clearly not his fault. Therefore, he should not be punished in any way, shape or form for his actions.
After a Nevada state record three seconds of deliberation, the jury had found Spuds MacKenzie guilty of multiple charges of sexual harassment. However, many people were unsatisfied by what they felt was an excessively lenient punishment of nine months of probation from The Honorable Judge Christiane Santos.
“I can sympathize with being a victim of a heinous incident that tramples your basic rights as a human being,” said The Honorable Judge Christiane Santos, “but rules are rules, and sexual harassment is against them. It is neither fair nor just that people are expected to know every little detail about every single substance that they put into their bodies…”
“AMEN!” interrupted Muhammad Lawal.
“Since you never argued that you didn’t actually harass those chicks, the law says that you need to be punished. So I’m giving you nine months of probation. That seems fair. ”
While Spuds MacKenzie may have gotten off easy in court, his reputation will arguably never be restored. Immediately after the trial, Anheuser-Busch formally denounced the former Bud Light mascot and denied any involvement with MacKenzie’s harassment.
“As a family-oriented company responsible for a product that brings positive changes to society, we truly regret ever being involved with Spuds MacKenzie,” said Anheuser-Busch public relations specialist Quinton Beck. “Had we have known about MacKenzie’s behavior, we never would have allowed him to be a role model for children around the world. While nothing we can do will change the past, we are making a sincere attempt to provide children with a positive, ethical dog to encourage them to bring about social change by drinking as much Bud Light as humanly possible.”
After fifteen seconds of confused, awkward silence, Beck muttered under his breath “Responsibly, when they’re twenty one, of course.”
