(It was at that moment Ryan Hall knew he would have to defend the integrity of both his hoagie and the Denny’s establishment he had chosen to accomodate.)
William Shakespeare once said, “Justice oft comes on swift legs, and if thou happen to bear witness, make surest thou placeth thine proof on thine Internet for all to see.” Luckily, we managed to stumble across this video of BJJ savant and 2009 ADCC Bronze medalist Ryan Hall choking out a drunken, self proclaimed “psychopath” at a restaurant, and in William’s honor, have placed it below for you all to see.
Join us as we dissect a classic case of “When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong.”
As the Paranormal Activity style text informs us, the night was December 11th, 2011. Why it took so long for this video to come to fruition is beyond us, but that’s not the point. Along with the company a few friends, Ryan Hall was enjoying what appears to be chicken sandwich when the anonymous drunken a-hole approached him and asked for a lighter. Ryan informed the patron, who we will now refer to as “Shitshow,” that he didn’t have one, at which point the man became enraged, launching into a tirade and threatening everyone within seeing distance. Because, you know, that’s a reasonable reaction.
Anyway, after getting all up in Hall’s grill, claiming that he’s been locked in a mental institution on multiple occasions, which calls into question both the effectiveness and security of institutions nationwide, Shitshow challenges Hall to a fight. He takes a second to inform Ryan that he has “no idea of what I’m capable of,” a notion so steeped in irony that Hall can simply not resist.
Hall opts for the double leg and smoothly transitions to mount, where he just kind of hangs out and waits for the authorities to be called. His top control, though smothering, is ultimately ineffective. After allowing Shitshow to get back to his feet, Ryan backs off, giving him one last chance to hit the road. Shitshow does not get the message, at which point the restaurant owner gets involved, begging him to “please stop.” Playing on this dickhead’s sense of honor proves pointless. Hall remains calm, even as Shitshow continues to goad him. “I wanna see you kill me,” he cries. This is stage one of Shitshow’s ultimate demise: the call out.
The moment Hall steps outside, however, stage two quickly sets in: realization. Yes, Shitshow quickly begins to reconsider, opting to start up with one of Hall’s crew instead. Typical bitch boy behavior, folks. At this point, Hall has had enough, and seizes Shitshow by his shoulders. Smashing Shitshow’s head off the metal framed door on the way out, Hall proceeds to promptly choke him unconscious. Stage three: acceptance, and untimely hibernation.
And as in every movie ever made, the police show up when the action is over, their criminal already subdued, and begin to question everyone as to what exactly went down. Our boys in blue later inform Hall that Shitshow is looking to press charges. Stage four: grief and backtracking.
Thankfully, this video will likely serve as evidence in this whack job’s future civil suit, granted he ever fully recovers from the embarrassment of shitting his pants in front of nearly 30 people.
-J. Jones
