(Believe it or not, this isn’t a sponsored post. It’s just one of those things that happens when it’s a slow news week and you’re desperate.)
If you’re a UFC fan who doesn’t live in a densely-populated urban area with multiple sports-bar options within walking distance, chances are you’ve spent some time in a Buffalo Wild Wings, since it’s one of the only chain restaurants that reliably shows UFC events. The food is almost beside the point, though BWW is known for its wings (obviously) and the 16 signature sauces you can put on them.
So as a tribute to everyone who’s ever waited an hour-and-a-half for a table at B-Dubs because you’re too cheap to order a pay-per-view at home, I humbly present one of the dumbest list ideas I’ve ever come up with. Ladies and gentlemen, here are the 16 Buffalo Wild Wings wing sauces and their UFC fighter equivalents. Just be grateful I didn’t arrange this in slideshow format.
Sweet BBQ
BWW description: “Traditional BBQ sauce: Satisfyingly sweet.”
UFC fighter equivalent: Non-threatening and vaguely Southern? I’m gonna go with Jessamyn Duke — but only because Bubba McDaniel isn’t on the UFC roster anymore.
Teriyaki
BWW description: “Terrifically tasty Teriyaki sauce.”
UFC fighter equivalent: Takeya Mizugaki. He’s Japanese, he’s consistently good, but he’s not going to blow anybody’s mind, flavor-wise.
Mild
BWW description: “Classic wing sauce: High flavor, low heat.”
UFC fighter equivalent: Gleison Tibau, a guy who never made a major impact in the UFC and yet is tied for the most victories in UFC lightweight history. How the hell did that happen? Like mild sauce, he’s just always been around.
Parmesan Garlic
BWW description: “Roasted garlic and Parmesan sauce with Italian herbs.”
UFC fighter equivalent: Safe, dependable, classic, Italian…definitely Frankie Edgar. Huh. This list is turning out to be way more racist than I was planning. Stop now if this sort of thing makes you uncomfortable, because it’s only going to get worse from here.
Medium
BWW description: “Classic wing sauce: Comfortably hot.”
UFC fighter equivalent: Medium sauce is for people who aren’t total pussies, but aren’t particularly brave either. It’s middle of the road. Popular by default. You order it when you don’t know what else to order — just like UFC fighters call out Michael Bisping when they don’t know who else to call out. Medium sauce is the perennial contender/gatekeeper of sauces.
Honey BBQ
BWW description: “A sweet, sassy sauce: Savor the flavor.”
UFC fighter equivalent: Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone, of course. Like a sweet/savory sauce, he’s versatile — a threat on the feet and on the ground — and there’s nothing abrasive about him. Cerrone is just a good-time, go-down-smooth kind of fighter.
Spicy Garlic
BWW description: “A tasty, spicy, garlicky good sauce.”
UFC fighter equivalent: “Hey Chrissy I brought the bucket of rigatoni, we gonna eat here or what?”
Jammin’ Jalapeño™
BWW description: “Spicy jalapeños, blended with a touch of tequila and hint of lime. Sweet heat.”
UFC fighter equivalent: My first thought was Cain Velasquez, but that “blended with a touch of tequila” bit clearly makes this one Diego Sanchez.
Asian Zing®
BWW description: “Sweet meets heat: A chili pepper, soy and ginger sauce.”
UFC fighter equivalent: In other words, a highly-ranked Asian with decent power. Chan Sung Jung. Let’s move on.
Caribbean Jerk
BWW description: “Red peppers you love, island spices you crave: an exotic, delicious sauce.”
UFC fighter equivalent: Carribbean? Jerk? Gotta go with Cuban training-partner bully Hector Lombard.
Thai Curry
BWW description: “Herbs and spices combined with sweet chilies and a touch of curry flavor.”
UFC fighter equivalent: Ah yes, the [Muay] Thai wrecking machine of wing sauces. It’s a toss-up between Jose Aldo and Renan Barao. They’re homies, so they can share this one.
Hot BBQ
BWW description: “Rich BBQ sauce with a touch of heat.”
UFC fighter equivalent: Welterweight champion (and Oklahoma good ol’ boy) Johny Hendricks, who’s wayyyyy more dangerous than his squat, bearded frame would suggest. (See also: Roy Nelson)
Hot
BWW description: “Classic wing sauce: Delicious flavor, exhilarating heat.”
UFC fighter equivalent: This is a no-brainer — Ronda Rousey, who’s a killer in the cage, and has the prickly personality to match. Plus she’s, you know, hot.
Mango Habanero™
BWW description: “Feel the burn, savor the sweet: Two sensations, one sauce”
UFC fighter equivalent: I once ordered this sauce in a moment of drunken confusion, and I can honestly say it was the hottest thing I’ve ever ingested — and the morning-after ring of fire situation was just brutal. Eating wings with Mango Habanero sauce is a test of will that you can’t possibly win. It is Matt Brown.
Wild®
BWW description: “Classic wing sauce: Big flavor, blisterin’ heat.”
UFC fighter equivalent: Lightweight champ Anthony Pettis, a totally unpredictable fight-finisher who’s as graceful as he is violent. Approach with extreme caution, or you’ll get styled on, son.
Blazin’®
BWW description: “Keep away from your eyes, pets, children: The hottest sauce we got. You’d BETTER-BE-READY BLAZIN’™”
UFC fighter equivalent: Well, it’s the most dangerous sauce on the menu, and you’re supposed to keep it away from your eyes. I think this one goes without saying…
Previously on FoodPotato: How to Pick the Right Meal for Each Level of UFC Fight Card