(The gang engages in a rousing game of Fuck, Marry, Kill: Dana White, Ronda Rousey, and Bigfoot Silva)
I may not having been putting much faith into the 22nd season of The Ultimate Fighter, because, you know, it’s the 22nd goddamn season of The Ultimate Fighter (Unofficial tagline: “Where not even the coaches fight, because whatever, fuck you.”), but after seeing Conor McGregor and Urijah Faber‘s amazing interview on last night’s edition of UFC Tonight, I might just have to see how this season plays out. It’s a testament to both the salesmanship of McGregor and the unflappable likeability of Faber.
For close to 15 minutes, the two coaches playfully bickered about everything from pay-per-view numbers to whether or not TJ Dillashaw is a “snake in the grass,” all while hosts Kenny Florian and Brian Stann tried to contain their laughter and occasionally chimed in. But what separated this interview from most was the near complete lack of malice between the two — perhaps because they aren’t actually scheduled to fight anytime soon. It was like watching two old friends argue about who was the better high school athlete, in that you could sense a mutual respect underneath it all (despite McGregor’s early assertion that Faber was “harmless”). Even when McGregor was aiming his best zingers at the members of Team Alpha Male, Faber never rose above the level of “slight amusement.”
(The gang engages in a rousing game of Fuck, Marry, Kill: Dana White, Ronda Rousey, and Bigfoot Silva)
I may not having been putting much faith into the 22nd season of The Ultimate Fighter, because, you know, it’s the 22nd goddamn season of The Ultimate Fighter (Unofficial tagline: “Where not even the coaches fight, because whatever, fuck you.”), but after seeing Conor McGregor and Urijah Faber‘s amazing interview on last night’s edition of UFC Tonight, I might just have to see how this season plays out. It’s a testament to both the salesmanship of McGregor and the unflappable likeability of Faber.
For close to 15 minutes, the two coaches playfully bickered about everything from pay-per-view numbers to whether or not TJ Dillashaw is a “snake in the grass,” all while hosts Kenny Florian and Brian Stann tried to contain their laughter and occasionally chimed in. But what separated this interview from most was the near complete lack of malice between the two — perhaps because they aren’t actually scheduled to fight anytime soon. It was like watching two old friends argue about who was the better high school athlete, in that you could sense a mutual respect underneath it all (despite McGregor’s early assertion that Faber was “harmless”). Even when McGregor was aiming his best zingers at the members of Team Alpha Male, Faber never rose above the level of “slight amusement.”
Video after the jump.
After watching this interview, not only am I guaranteed to tune in for the first few episodes of TUF 22 (which is more than I could say for the past dozen incarnations or so), but I’m already drafting up the pilot of a buddy cop drama starring these two.
“One’s a perpetually arrogant loudmouth and former beat cop from the mean streets of Dublin. The other is Matthew McConaughey’s kid brother. Together, they are The Mouth & The Chin.”
Following her superstar-making performance against Bethe Correia at UFC 190 last weekend, it was revealed that Ronda Rousey would be bestowed with the highest honor of celebrity achievable in today’s society: A porn parody based upon her life.
Entitled Ronda ArouseMe: Grounded and Pounded, the parody from Burning Angel productions will star Kleio Valentien (pictured above) in the titular role, as well as Sammie Six in the role of Rousey’s nemesis, “Miesha Taint.” But because this is the internet, and because the line between pornography and mixed martial arts has always been a thin one, we’ve decided to go ahead and play casting (couch) agent for this surefire AVN awards sweeper, along with some help from the UG.
Following her superstar-making performance against Bethe Correia at UFC 190 last weekend, it was revealed that Ronda Rousey would be bestowed with the highest honor of celebrity achievable in today’s society: A porn parody based upon her life.
Entitled Ronda ArouseMe: Grounded and Pounded, the parody from Burning Angel productions will star Kleio Valentien (pictured above) in the titular role, as well as Sammie Six in the role of Rousey’s nemesis, “Miesha Taint.” But because this is the internet, and because the line between pornography and mixed martial arts has always been a thin one, we’ve decided to go ahead and play casting (couch) agent for this surefire AVN awards sweeper, along with some help from the UG.
Krissy Lynn as “Ronda ArouseMe”
With all due respect to Ms. (Mrs?) Valentien, who I’m sure is a lovely, incredibly capable performer, she does not look a thing like Ronda Rousey. Pornography is about nothing if not true-to-life accuracy — which, as a former pizza delivery boy, I can attest to personally — so to have a heavily-tattooed actress with no athletic background play Ronda in a movie about her life is as insulting as having, I dunno, Tom Cruise play Jack Reacher.
According to a biography of Ms. Valentien I found on a site that I cannot link to, she enjoys “when a man takes control and tells me what to do.” This is almost certainly not how Ronda Rousey gets down behind closed doors — she has sex with *you*, not the other way around. Krissy Lynn, however, both looks more like Rousey than Valentien and “enjoys hiking, exercising, and living a healthy lifestyle.” (source: IMDB) What else do you need to know? MAKE THE SWITCH, BURNING ANGEL.
Rachel Starr as “Miesha Taint”
Again, because we’re all about accuracy in cinema here at CagePotato, in order to cast an actress in the role of Miesha Tate, you must first get inside the head of Miesha Tate. Or at least, inside the head of her fans. Tell me, when you guys (and gals) think of Tate, what’s the first thing you think of? Her career-defining win over Marloes Coenen, maybe? Her relationship with notable d-bag Bryan Caraway, perhaps? Or is it DAT ASS?
The fact is, Ms. Tate has one of the finest keisters in the business, if not *the* finest, and she has never been afraid to use it as a marketing tool. Likewise, the woman cast in her likeness should probably be recognized for her posterior first and foremost. Enter Rachel Starr (phrasing), who according to her profile on TheRichest, “is known for her bubbly big butt.” (Well put, TheRichest. Well put indeed.) She is also known as one of the hardest working, biggest stars in the industry, with a professional career dating back to 2007. You know who else’s professional career dates back to 2007? Miesha Tate. I rest my case.
Will Powers as “Bangya Right”
FACT: Ronda Rousey would still be hip-tossing dude-bros inside strip mall movie theaters if it wasn’t for Dana White, the brash, cocky UFC president who once claimed that “women would never fight in the UFC.” That was until he laid eyes on Ronda Rousey, of course, and THE GAME DUN CHANGED. Within a couple years, White was calling Rousey “the biggest star we’ve ever had” and “a f*cking Diaz brother trapped in this beautiful body.” If that latter statement doesn’t scream Intro Line Before a Sex Scene, I don’t know what does.
What, you think we’re going to cast an adult film without including our resident expert in the field? A movie based on the life of one Ronda Rousey, pornographic or otherwise, would be inadequate without including the Olympian vs. Olympian battle that took place at UFC 170. Carmen is a more knowledgeable MMA fan than anyone else in the biz, she’s got an ass that men write symphonies about, and she’s a GSP fan, so you know her wrestling game is On. Point. I don’t care what kinda strings Burning Angel has to pull to sign Carmen, they need this bonafide authority on MMA if they ever hope to achieve a legitimate end product.
Click the “next page” tab to see who we cast as Arianny Celeste, Gene Lebell, Gina Carano + more
That’s right, diehard fans of the UFC and/or slightly tilted fonts, less than a month after the official fight kits were revealed by Reebok via a hilariously bizarre and grammatically ambiguous powerpoint presentation ceremony, they are already going on sale! What once cost a downright insulting $95 to own now comes to you at a still-far-too-high-but-slightly-less-shameful $79.98!! This is a one-time only offer that in no ways signifies that the #fightkits are #notselling because they look like #fightshit (#branding).
That’s right, diehard fans of the UFC and/or slightly tilted fonts, less than a month after the official fight kits were revealed by Reebok via a hilariously bizarre and grammatically ambiguous powerpoint presentation ceremony, they are already going on sale! What once cost a downright insulting $95 to own now comes to you at a still-far-too-high-but-slightly-less-shameful $79.98!! This is a one-time only offer that in no ways signifies that the #fightkits are #notselling because they look like #fightshit (#branding).
Already ordered a #fightkit for the exorbitant price of $95? Well TOUGH LUCK, GOOFBALL!! Maybe complain about it on Twitter and have Dana White throw a completely unrelated insult at you about your ugly dumb face and/or lack of followers. You know, like the Presidents of all major corporations do!! (*chops 2×4 in half*) Boo-yah!!!
Again, the UFC wants you to know that suddenly lowered price of these fight kits IN NO WAY reflects that they are not selling like gangbustas, because they definitely are! As UFC President Dana White explained in a recent (and completely falsified) interview…
“Okay, you f*ckin’ dummies, the thing that happened there was, Reebok found a way to develop their f*ckin’ super advanced, seamless mesh for cheaper or some sh*t, and now they’re passing the savings on to you! So quit f*cking complain or else you’re not a real f*ckin’ fight fan!! And if you don’t like the kits, we don’t f*ckin’ need you anyway!!!”
So head over to Reebok’s online store today and pick up your official UFC fight kit for just $79.98, or wait a week and pick one up for $59.98*. And when you walk into the gym you trane UFC at, remember, people are losing their jobs so you could wear a unimaginative, misspelled pullover from a third-rate apparel company! HYEAHHH!! #UFCfightkit #WorldFuckingDomination
(Word has it that upon seeing this image, Brock Lesnar’s sword tattoo grew 3 inches.)
While admittedly not being experts in the field of boxing, we here at CagePotato still think we’ve seen enough action inside the squared circle to spot a sham — Big Knockout Boxing or Mickey Rourke, for instance — and my God, if this isn’t the be-all end-all of boxing shams.
Meet Jorge Kahwagi, the amorphous creature pictured above who is an actual human being and not, as we originally thought, a prop from the face melting scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. According to Fightland, Kahwagi is some kind of Mexican politician/showbiz personality/boxer who, 10 years after compiling an auspicious 11-0 record, decided to step back in the ring last weekend at 47 years of age and prove he still had it. “It” in this case being a set of fake tits, shoulders, biceps, and a face surgically-constructed purely out of bologna.
The resulting contest was nothing short of tragic.
(Word has it that upon seeing this image, Brock Lesnar’s sword tattoo grew 3 inches.)
While admittedly not being experts in the field of boxing, we here at CagePotato still think we’ve seen enough action inside the squared circle to spot a sham — Big Knockout Boxing or Mickey Rourke, for instance — and my God, if this isn’t the be-all end-all of boxing shams.
Meet Jorge Kahwagi, the amorphous creature pictured above who is an actual human being and not, as we originally thought, a prop from the face melting scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. According to Fightland, Kahwagi is some kind of Mexican politician/showbiz personality/boxer who, 10 years after compiling an auspicious 11-0 record, decided to step back in the ring last weekend at 47 years of age and prove he still had it. “It” in this case being a set of fake tits, shoulders, biceps, and a face surgically-constructed purely out of bologna.
The resulting contest was nothing short of tragic.
Paired up against Ramon Olivas — a man who we’re certain is currently tucked away in some hole in the wall cantina, shame-drinking himself into an early grave — Kahwagi came out like a man on fire, blistering his much younger opponent with a ferocious series of right hooks until Olivas laid slung over the ropes like Rampage Jackson circa 2004.
(*checks earpiece*)
I’m sorry, I’m being told that Kahwagi did no such thing, and in fact threw punches at a slower rate than a Libyan internet connection until Olivas just kind of took a knee. Even the announcers couldn’t help but pile in on the disgrace they were witnessing, noting “Nacho Beristain said Kahwagi is a fraud… he throws punches in slow motion” and “Let it be clear, this fight means nothing.” An admirable stance to take, but super unprofessional, you guys. Goldie and Rogan would have lauded Kahwagi for his ring control while informing us that we’re simply not fight-smart enough to understand the masterful display happening before us.
But alright, boxing, you win. MMA may be a three-ring circus of a sport, but it will never hold a candle to the absolute freakshow sh*t that I just witnessed. Not YAMMA, not Kimbo vs. Shammy, not Super Hluk. Not nothing. And for that, we thank you.
I don’t know how this gif has flown under the radar in the month since One FC 28 went down, but my God, you guys, it is glorious.
Around the midway point of a flyweight contest between the 2-1 Ze Wu and then-undefeated prospect Jianbing Yang, Wu attempted…something. I’m not exactly sure what it was, but I do know that it was equal parts Chad Mendes somersault guard pass and the Eric Prindle-Thiago Santos groin strike saga personified in one move. Possibly while under the influence of a mind-altering drug, Zu lept into the air, cartwheeled over Yang’s outstretched legs, and landed a direct strike to his nards. Then proceeded to walk away and shrug as if he didn’t understand what the big deal was.
Never before have we ever seen an illegal blow so simultaneously devastating and… beautiful — I dare say that it will redefine our understanding of the groin strike altogether. We tried to reach out to nutshot aficionado Joe Rogan for comment, who could only offer this expression before retreating back into his home.
After the jump: An alternate angle of the strike and a video of it happening in real-time.
I don’t know how this gif has flown under the radar in the month since One FC 28 went down, but my God, you guys, it is glorious.
Around the midway point of a flyweight contest between the 2-1 Ze Wu and then-undefeated prospect Jianbing Yang, Wu attempted…something. I’m not exactly sure what it was, but I do know that it was equal parts Chad Mendes somersault guard pass and the Eric Prindle-Thiago Santos groin strike saga personified in one move. Possibly while under the influence of a mind-altering drug, Zu lept into the air, cartwheeled over Yang’s outstretched legs, and landed a direct strike to his nards. Then proceeded to walk away and shrug as if he didn’t understand what the big deal was.
Never before have we ever seen an illegal blow so simultaneously devastating and… beautiful — I dare say that it will redefine our understanding of the groin strike altogether. We tried to reach out to nutshot aficionado Joe Rogan for comment, who could only offer this expression before retreating back into his home.
After the jump: An alternate angle of the strike and a video of it happening in real-time.
It is worth noting that these gifs have been labeled as “Spinning Dick Attack” 1 and 2, which makes what happened sound less like a hilarious foul and more like what I do at weddings after a half-dozen shots of Jager. It’s a wonder why my brother’s in-laws won’t speak to me anymore.
Here’s the video of the foul, appropriately titled “Impressive side flip ball stomp.” If that isn’t the name of a death metal album by the end of the day, humanity will have failed.
I don’t know how this gif has flown under the radar in the month since One FC 28 went down, but my God, you guys, it is glorious.
Around the midway point of a flyweight contest between the 2-1 Ze Wu and then-undefeated prospect Jianbing Yang, Wu attempted…something. I’m not exactly sure what it was, but I do know that it was equal parts Chad Mendes somersault guard pass and the Eric Prindle-Thiago Santos groin strike saga personified in one move. Possibly while under the influence of a mind-altering drug, Zu lept into the air, cartwheeled over Yang’s outstretched legs, and landed a direct strike to his nards. Then proceeded to walk away and shrug as if he didn’t understand what the big deal was.
Never before have we ever seen an illegal blow so simultaneously devastating and… beautiful — I dare say that it will redefine our understanding of the groin strike altogether. We tried to reach out to nutshot aficionado Joe Rogan for comment, who could only offer this expression before retreating back into his home.
After the jump: An alternate angle of the strike and a video of it happening in real-time.
I don’t know how this gif has flown under the radar in the month since One FC 28 went down, but my God, you guys, it is glorious.
Around the midway point of a flyweight contest between the 2-1 Ze Wu and then-undefeated prospect Jianbing Yang, Wu attempted…something. I’m not exactly sure what it was, but I do know that it was equal parts Chad Mendes somersault guard pass and the Eric Prindle-Thiago Santos groin strike saga personified in one move. Possibly while under the influence of a mind-altering drug, Zu lept into the air, cartwheeled over Yang’s outstretched legs, and landed a direct strike to his nards. Then proceeded to walk away and shrug as if he didn’t understand what the big deal was.
Never before have we ever seen an illegal blow so simultaneously devastating and… beautiful — I dare say that it will redefine our understanding of the groin strike altogether. We tried to reach out to nutshot aficionado Joe Rogan for comment, who could only offer this expression before retreating back into his home.
After the jump: An alternate angle of the strike and a video of it happening in real-time.
It is worth noting that these gifs have been labeled as “Spinning Dick Attack” 1 and 2, which makes what happened sound less like a hilarious foul and more like what I do at weddings after a half-dozen shots of Jager. It’s a wonder why my brother’s in-laws won’t speak to me anymore.
Here’s the video of the foul, appropriately titled “Impressive side flip ball stomp.” If that isn’t the name of a death metal album by the end of the day, humanity will have failed.
