(YOU JUST HAD TO ORDER THE COLONEL’S TRIPLE SUPER EXTRA CRISPY RECIPE, DIDN’T YOU, JUSTIN?!)
You can call this lazy journalism if you want (and I’d sorta agree with you), but I am going to repost the story that TUF 10 veteran Justin Wren recently posted on the Underground verbatim, because there is simply nothing that could describe the apparent spontaneous combustion then rejuvenation of the roof of his mouth more than the photos themselves do. Despite everything I know about medical science, which I learned on that one episode of Scrubs I caught a few years back, Wren appears to have contracted, then recovered from, one of the worst cases of necrotizing faciitis I have ever seen. To put it in the words of a cliched film critic, when looking at this series of images, “I laughed. Then I cried. Then I applauded. Then I vomited. Then I passed out in said vomit. Then I stood up an cheered before vomiting once more.”
Anyways, the story begins like this:
Two days ago I was helping lead at a youth camp of 750 youth kids… I was talking and then a girl yelled… “Justin! Your teeth are bleeding!” I walked outside and spit a mouthful of blood… I went to the bathroom and spit out 3 or 4 full mouthfuls of blood… I filled up 4 full 16 ounce cups of blood within an hour or so… I was told by the 4 person med team it looked like the roof of my mouth was caving in or falling off! I had some sort of strange deep infection in my palette…
The full story, complete with pictures, is below. Fair warning: These pictures are f*cking disgusting.
I literally felt my pulse in my teeth! I felt like they were going to explode!
Here is a chunk of skin that fell off of my palette.
Obviously from the pics I was advised to go straight to the emergency room… The camp prayed for me and I was off… I called my orthodontist who was in the New Orleans area and he said if I could handle it I could drive out to see him the next day and I wouldn’t have an emergency room bill, and he could send me to a specialist and they could take care of me… I couldn’t afford the ER so I took off…
That night I woke up LITERALLY choking on the roof of my mouth! I had to reach as deep as I could and struggle to pull it out of my esophagus…
That was absolute nastiness! Swallowing it made me start bleeding terribly and I laid on my side the rest of my night alternating from spitting blood and trying to bite down carefully on the edge of the skin so I wouldn’t swallow it if I fell back to sleep. I was DEFINITELY contemplating the ER bill…
The next morning I woke up to this…
I was on my way to the specialist and my girlfiriend’s sister texted me, called me, and my girlfriend’s dad called leaving me a voicemail… Because at this time I couldn’t talk it was SO painful… and he said that they sent the photos off to THREE dentist, my girl’s sis is a dental assistant and he sent it off to two of his friends who are really well known. ALL three doctors told me I needed an oral surgeon and they had sent my pics to an oral surgeon who was going to meet me for an emergency case late at night on his night off! My grilfriend’s father said that he was going to PAY for it, but if I still didn’t go their would continue to pray.
I got to the specialist… They said they couldn’t do anything until the retainer was off, but I had some pain meds before they tried to take it off, they had scalpels ready… and then they popped the retainer off. The specialist looked around, poked around… and said I needed to rinse the blood out for him to see what was going on. I went and rinsed and then I came back and laid down…
Previously the med team had removed a quarter size chunk of skin, a half dollar chunk of skin and then that pic of a chunk of skin fell out… and with the retainer coming out a SILVER DOLLAR size chunk of skin came out…
I rinsed and laid back down and all he could find was two identations where the retainer was, there wasn’t an infection at all like I was put on antibiotics for… there wasn’t a hole up to my sinus infection like they thought they may have found. There wasn’t anything! I rinsed, they looked around, they released me and didn’t need the scalpels or anything that they got ready!
Now, I know that the human body is capable of doing some equally abhorring and amazing things, but this takes the blood-filled cake. Either Wren was part of some Wolverine-esque secret government program when he was a child that has just begun to take effect, or he has become close friends with Tom Savini and pulled off the most extraordinary injury hoax in the history of MMA for reasons that still remain unclear. I am choosing to believe the former, as it somehow makes more sense when given the evidence at hand. In either case, I hope your lunch tasted as good coming up as it did going down.