I don’t know how this gif has flown under the radar in the month since One FC 28 went down, but my God, you guys, it is glorious.
Around the midway point of a flyweight contest between the 2-1 Ze Wu and then-undefeated prospect Jianbing Yang, Wu attempted…something. I’m not exactly sure what it was, but I do know that it was equal parts Chad Mendes somersault guard pass and the Eric Prindle-Thiago Santos groin strike saga personified in one move. Possibly while under the influence of a mind-altering drug, Zu lept into the air, cartwheeled over Yang’s outstretched legs, and landed a direct strike to his nards. Then proceeded to walk away and shrug as if he didn’t understand what the big deal was.
Never before have we ever seen an illegal blow so simultaneously devastating and… beautiful — I dare say that it will redefine our understanding of the groin strike altogether. We tried to reach out to nutshot aficionado Joe Rogan for comment, who could only offer this expression before retreating back into his home.
After the jump: An alternate angle of the strike and a video of it happening in real-time.
I don’t know how this gif has flown under the radar in the month since One FC 28 went down, but my God, you guys, it is glorious.
Around the midway point of a flyweight contest between the 2-1 Ze Wu and then-undefeated prospect Jianbing Yang, Wu attempted…something. I’m not exactly sure what it was, but I do know that it was equal parts Chad Mendes somersault guard pass and the Eric Prindle-Thiago Santos groin strike saga personified in one move. Possibly while under the influence of a mind-altering drug, Zu lept into the air, cartwheeled over Yang’s outstretched legs, and landed a direct strike to his nards. Then proceeded to walk away and shrug as if he didn’t understand what the big deal was.
Never before have we ever seen an illegal blow so simultaneously devastating and… beautiful — I dare say that it will redefine our understanding of the groin strike altogether. We tried to reach out to nutshot aficionado Joe Rogan for comment, who could only offer this expression before retreating back into his home.
After the jump: An alternate angle of the strike and a video of it happening in real-time.
It is worth noting that these gifs have been labeled as “Spinning Dick Attack” 1 and 2, which makes what happened sound less like a hilarious foul and more like what I do at weddings after a half-dozen shots of Jager. It’s a wonder why my brother’s in-laws won’t speak to me anymore.
Here’s the video of the foul, appropriately titled “Impressive side flip ball stomp.” If that isn’t the name of a death metal album by the end of the day, humanity will have failed.
Posted on r/mma earlier this morning, the GIF you are about to gaze upon with your eyeballs is not only the clear frontrunner for “MMA GIF of the Year” at this year’s Potato Awards, but should sweep the “Steve Nelmark Memorial ‘Is (s)he Dead?’ Award”, “MMA Fail of the Year”, and “Most Embarrassing Knockout of the Year” categories as well. Come to think of it, it will probably take home the “Greatest Unsanctioned Fight of the Year” prize too, because there is no way on God’s green earth that the fight captured in this gif was sanctioned by any athletic commission ever. It is truly one of the most laughable, horrific, captivating, and heartbreakingly sad 5-second animated images you will ever see, and I say that with absolutely zero hyperbole.
Posted on r/mma earlier this morning, the GIF you are about to gaze upon with your eyeballs is not only the clear frontrunner for “MMA GIF of the Year” at this year’s Potato Awards, but should sweep the “Steve Nelmark Memorial ‘Is (s)he Dead?’ Award”, “MMA Fail of the Year”, and “Most Embarrassing Knockout of the Year” categories as well. Come to think of it, it will probably take home the “Greatest Unsanctioned Fight of the Year” prize too, because there is no way on God’s green earth that the fight captured in this gif was sanctioned by any athletic commission ever. It is truly one of the most laughable, horrific, captivating, and heartbreakingly sad 5-second animated images you will ever see, and I say that with absolutely zero hyperbole.
(Fair warning: The gif may take a few seconds to adjust resolution. For a full-size gif of the action, either click on the image or go here).
You know, after watching this gif a couple dozen times and passing out twice from lack of oxygen, I am suddenly struck by a sudden, overwhelming sense of shame and regret. Like eating an entire bowl of cookie dough, what started out as a incredibly satisfying endeavor has quickly devolved into a study in self-loathing that multiplies tenfold with each spoonful I cram into my foodhole. Either this GIF is so hysterical that it has caused me to blow a funny fuse, or the moral implications of what I’ve just witnessed have just now begun to seep into my conscience. God, I hope it’s the former.
How can something like this even be allowed to happen in 2015? It would be like going into the doctor’s office with a flu and having him prescribe you a dozen leeches as treatment.
Was the blonde woman plucked from the street on the way to pick up her kids from soccer practice and told that she would receive a bottle of Chardonnay for each second she lasted in the cage?
Did she think that *this* was what hot yoga was? Crossfit, maybe?
Or was this, as I suspect, the abhorrent and inevitable culmination of a deeply depressed suburban housewife going through a midlife crisis? “I AM strong, Gary, and I’ll show you, your mother, the maid who I *know* you’re sleeping with…I’ll show everybody!!”
LOOK AT WHAT SHE’S WEARING FOR FIGHT ATTIRE, YOU GUYS.
I am exhausted. Goodnight.
[UPDATE]
Upon further research, I have learned that the blonde woman is question is not a random soccer mom picked from the streets, but Katie Castro, an actual MMA fighter who, according to her Sherdog profile, has competed three times as a “professional” (with zero amateur fights) and suffered three consecutive KO losses in a combined time of 54 seconds. This gif is actually taken from her most recent performance in January — a 10-second shellacking at the hands of Ilima-Lei Macfarlane, who was making her pro debut. A full video of the fight is below.
While everyone involved in this match — from the audience to Katie’s trainers (especially Katie’s trainers) — should be ashamed of themselves, I think we can all agree that now is the time to write in to our local representatives and urge them to shut these assholes down/bring their promoters in on criminal charges. That’s Xplode Fight Series, owned and operated by Gregg Sharp and based in Chula Vista, CA. Feel free to spam their Facebook page here in the meantime.
Jones, who is (or should we say, was) scheduled to defend his title against Anthony Johnson at UFC 187 in May, was involved in a three car accident in Albuquerque on Saturday morning before fleeing the scene. Marijuana, paraphernalia, and “paperwork belonging to a Jonathan Jones, which had MMA information on it from the state of Nevada” were all found in his rental car, and witnesses on the scene (including an off-duty cop) identified the light heavyweight champion as the man fleeing the scene.
The only person listed as injured in the accident was a 25-year-old pregnant woman who was taken to the hospital for what were at first considered minor injuries after she told police that she “was going to pass out.” Recently, however, it was revealed that the woman’s injuries were a bit more serious than originally reported, and as a result, Albuquerque police are now seeking to bring Jones in on felony charges.
Jones, who is (or should we say, was) scheduled to defend his title against Anthony Johnson at UFC 187 in May, was involved in a three car accident in Albuquerque on Saturday morning before fleeing the scene. Marijuana, paraphernalia, and “paperwork belonging to a Jonathan Jones, which had MMA information on it from the state of Nevada” were all found in his rental car, and witnesses on the scene (including an off-duty cop) identified the light heavyweight champion as the man fleeing the scene.
The only person listed as injured in the accident was a 25-year-old pregnant woman who was taken to the hospital for what were at first considered minor injuries after she told police that she “was going to pass out.” Recently, however, it was revealed that the woman’s injuries were a bit more serious than originally reported, and as a result, Albuquerque police are now seeking to bring Jones in on felony charges.
Details after the jump.
Ariel Helwani passes along the updates via his Twitter.
As of this write-up, police have still been unable to locate or even get ahold of Jones in the time since the accident took place, and have asked Jones or anyone with information to call (505) 242-2677. We will continue to update this post as details are made available.
Rumors started circulating last night that the light heavyweight champion had been involved in yet another automobile mishap — this time, a hit and run accident in which a 20 year-old pregnant woman was hospitalized — in his resident Albuquerque. After initially denying that Jones was the man being sought after for the hit-and-run, Albuquerque police later released a statement that reads:
“The Albuquerque Police Department is actively seeking UFC Fighter Jon Jones for questioning in regards to his possible involvement in a hit-and-run accident, near the intersection of Juan Tabo and Southern, in Southeast Albuquerque early this morning, April 26, 2015.”
While Jones has apparently not been seen or heard from since the time of the alleged incident, the UFC has since released a statement in response, which you can check out after the jump.
Rumors started circulating last night that the light heavyweight champion had been involved in yet another automobile mishap — this time, a hit and run accident in which a 20 year-old pregnant woman was hospitalized — in his resident Albuquerque. After initially denying that Jones was the man being sought after for the hit-and-run, Albuquerque police later released a statement that reads:
“The Albuquerque Police Department is actively seeking UFC Fighter Jon Jones for questioning in regards to his possible involvement in a hit-and-run accident, near the intersection of Juan Tabo and Southern, in Southeast Albuquerque early this morning, April 26, 2015.”
While Jones has apparently not been seen or heard from since the time of the alleged incident, the UFC has since released a statement in response, which you can check out after the jump.
We are aware that the Albuquerque Police Department is interested in speaking to Jon Jones regarding his possible involvement in a motor vehicle accident. We are in the process of gathering facts and will reserve further comment until more information is available.
This is of course, just the latest in what has become a string of legal troubles for Jones. In 2012, he was arrested in Binghamton, NY on DUI charges after wrapping his Bentley around a telephone pole with two female passengers in the vehicle. After pleading guilty, Jones was fined $1,000 and his driver’s license was suspended for six months.
Back in December, Jones once again found himself in the hot seat when it was revealed that he had tested positive for cocaine a month prior to his UFC 182 title fight with Daniel Cormier. Because cocaine was/is not considered a banned out-of-competition drug (or shouldn’t have been tested for in the first place), Jones avoided any possible suspensions or legal issues. He did agree to enter rehab, though, and was magically cured of his addiction in 24 hours.
Wow. A lot of information to take in right now, but we’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
If the circulating reports have any truth to them, it looks like Ronda Rousey will make her next title defense against Bethe Correia in the main event of UFC 190 on August 1st. According to my local gambling expert, Vegas oddsmakers should list Rousey as something around a kajillion-to-one favorite over her Brazilian opponent out of the gate, a betting line which will only continue to swing in Rousey’s favor as fight night approaches.
This is not what you’d call a gambler’s paradise, folks, so much so that I asked the top statistician I know to punch up some numbers and find me a handful things more likely to occur than a Bethe Correia win at UFC 190. Here’s what he came up with…
(Props: Fox Sports)
By CP Reader Ramsey O’Shea
If the circulating reports have any truth to them, it looks like Ronda Rousey will make her next title defense against Bethe Correia in the main event of UFC 190 on August 1st. According to my local gambling expert, Vegas oddsmakers should list Rousey as something around a kajillion-to-one favorite over her Brazilian opponent out of the gate, a betting line which will only continue to swing in Rousey’s favor as fight night approaches.
This is not what you’d call a gambler’s paradise, folks, so much so that I asked the top statistician I know to punch up some numbers and find me a handful things more likely to occur than a Bethe Correia win at UFC 190. Here’s what he came up with…
Crazier things have happened, right? Anthony Pettis was being listed as high as a 5-to-1 favorite over Rafael Dos Anjos until homeboy From Angels laid a royal ass-whipping on him last weekend. And like Pettis, Weidman has also spent more time sidelined with injury than defending his title since he won it back in 2013.
Vitor Belfort, on the other hand, is a (Jesus) juiced-up ball o’ crazy who once sent Dan Henderson into orbit with an uppercut, so if he’s able to land on Weidman early, it wouldn’t be impossible to think that he could put the champ away. While Correia possesses some solid power of her own, Rousey is arguably just as dangerous on the feet nowadays (and most certainly quicker), which all but negates Correia’s only chance at victory.
The Entirety of Rousey vs. Correia Being Viewable in a Vine — 5 to 1
Now this is one I’m strongly considering. Cat Zingano was the #1 ranked bantamweight heading into her fight with Rousey (and not in a “Dennis Siver is suddenly top 10″ kind of way, either), and she last 14 seconds. Bethe Correia is currently ranked #7 (which, I guess?), which means she should last approximately….mathmathmath….two seconds. Hell, they’ll even be able to fit Joe Rogan’s verbal humiliation of Correia after the fight is over into that Vine as well.
Being Diagnosed with Prostate Cancer: 6 to 1
Here are the facts:
1. There were around 220,000 cases of prostate cancer diagnosed in the US alone last year.
2. Prostate cancer is second only to lung cancer in terms of commonality.
3. More than a third of prostate cancer cases are diagnosed in men aged over 75 years.
Here are some more facts:
1. Ronda Rousey has only been listed as anything *less* than a 6-1 favorite once in her UFC career (against Sara McMann at UFC 170).
2. It was almost unanimously agreed upon that Correia dropped the first round of her fight against Baszler.
3. Shayna Baszler fights like a 75 year old man.
The connections are all there if you’re willing to look for them, is all I’m saying.
Being Picked on The Price is Right – 36 to 1
Bethe may not stand a snowball’s chance in Hell against Rousey, but seeing her perform her patented victory dance next to a bewildered/emasculated Drew Carey? I’d bet a dollar on that coming to fruition.
What I wouldn’t bet a dollar on, on the other hand, would be the fight I mentioned earlier.
Fast and Furious 7 Topping Furious 6 – 12,800 to 1
The point is, no matter how fast and/or furious Fast and Furious 7 is, it can in no way be more fast and furious than Fast and Furious 6 was. The bar has simply been set too high furious. That being said, the mere inclusion of Rousey’s name in the cast list makes Fast 7 a more solid bet than anything which doesn’t include Rousey’s name (the phrase “Bethe Correia: Bantamweight Champion” for instance).
Dying From Contact with Hot Tap Water: 5,005,564 to 1
First off, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that this joke has gone on for far too long.
“I was willing to play along with your increasingly hyperbolic attempts at explaining how screwed Bethe Correia is,” you said to yourself, “But hot tap water, CP? Really?! THIS IS WHY YOU NEED CROWDFUNDING TO SURVIVE.”
And you’re right, you really should consider donating to CP’s Patreon, but also, I argue that the idea of Ronda Rousey vs. Hot Tap Water is no more ludicrous than the idea of Rousey vs. A Man, or Rousey vs. Laila Ali for that matter. All three matchups have literally the exact same chance of being booked, so there. #PointGryffindor
Secondly, do not — I repeat, DO NOT — overlook how dangerous a glass of tap water can be. We all saw the effect it had on those aliens in the 2002 documentary Signs, and now you’re adding HEAT into the equation? Goodnight, Irene. Which isn’t even to mention the fact that tap water is not physically capable of possessing arms, which gives it a huge advantage in this completely fictional matchup against the current champ.
Am I saying that hot tap water would have a better chance against Ronda Rousey than Bethe Correia? Not at all. I’m saying that I’d sooner bet on old Irene up there croaking after burning her tongue than I would on Bethe beating Ronda. Not that I feel the need to defend these numbers, mind you, as I can assure you that they were given to me by a top numbers man.
In conclusion, Ronda Rousey will win. Bethe Correia will not. Eat more tomatoes.
