Tag: Is this real life?

Last-Second Christmas Present Ideas: War Machine Launched a Clothing Line, Y’all.


(MICROSOFT PAINT IS ALPHA MALE SHIT! Photo courtesy of Alpha-Male-Shit.myshopify.com. Of course we aren’t joking.)

Do you have some last-second Christmas gifts to buy for the MMA fans in your life? Do said fans often find themselves looking at MMA t-shirts and thinking “Yeah, this assortment of glitter, botched Hanzi and skulls is fantastic, but I need something a little more ridiculous.” Do you have no problems with dropping twenty-five bucks on a shirt that was blatantly designed in Microsoft Paint, and probably in under twenty seconds?

Then do I have some excellent news for you: War Machine has launched a clothing line – subtly called “Alpha Male Shit” – and it is exactly what you’re assuming it is.

Alpha Male Shit solves the dilemma that apparently alpha males face all the time: How does one demonstrate how badass he (or she!) is while doing everyday things like grocery shopping, visiting the zoo or mowing the lawn? The answer, obviously, is to wear a shirt proclaiming that you do Alpha Male Shit; this way, even the alpha male getting his teeth cleaned can remind his dentist that he’s usually more awesome than this. If you think I’m joking, then take a look at what appears to be the brand’s signature design (I base this squarely off the fact that there are four variations – including a female version! – of it in the shop right now):


(MICROSOFT PAINT IS ALPHA MALE SHIT! Photo courtesy of Alpha-Male-Shit.myshopify.com. Of course we aren’t joking.)

Do you have some last-second Christmas gifts to buy for the MMA fans in your life? Do said fans often find themselves looking at MMA t-shirts and thinking “Yeah, this assortment of glitter, botched Hanzi and skulls is fantastic, but I need something a little more ridiculous.” Do you have no problems with dropping twenty-five bucks on a shirt that was blatantly designed in Microsoft Paint, and probably in under twenty seconds?

Then do I have some excellent news for you: War Machine has launched a clothing line – subtly called “Alpha Male Shit” – and it is exactly what you’re assuming it is.

Alpha Male Shit solves the dilemma that apparently alpha males face all the time: How does one demonstrate how badass he (or she!) is while doing everyday things like grocery shopping, visiting the zoo or mowing the lawn? The answer, obviously, is to wear a shirt proclaiming that you do Alpha Male Shit; this way, even the alpha male getting his teeth cleaned can remind his dentist that he’s usually more awesome than this. If you think I’m joking, then take a look at what appears to be the brand’s signature design (I base this squarely off the fact that there are four variations – including a female version! – of it in the shop right now):

The irony of this shirt will undoubtedly be lost on anyone who buys it earnestly: Genuine alpha males aren’t constantly looking for approval and validation from others. Wearing a shirt that says “I do Alpha Male Shit” as a way to remind everyone how dominant are tough you are proves that you definitely aren’t the alpha male you claim to be. In fact, if you’d wear a shirt like that for non-ironic purposes, you’re pretty much the real life Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Simply put, the shirt is a joke, no matter how you wear it, so you might as well wear it in a way that demonstrates that you’re in on the joke. Maybe buy some rope chains and Ring Pops to complete your outfit.

War Machine’s line of clothing also includes a “Politically Correct BULLSHIT” shirt, a tribute to Phil Baroni that took maybe ten seconds to design, and an “Alpha Male ABCs” shirt that is sure to get your grandmother to ask you what cypionate is.

Al Bundy, you know what to do….

@SethFalvo

‘WTF?!’ of the Day: Get in Shape with Tim Sylvia (Yes, THAT Tim Sylvia)


(And if you act fast, he’ll throw in “How to Throw a Leg Kick” for free!)

Are you a fat, nerdy MMA fan who lives with his mother and spends his time trolling the Internet? Well, obviously not, so you’ll have to play along here. But if you were overweight, and also decided that the whole “eating healthier and exercising” thing didn’t involve enough former UFC champions for your liking, then would I have a treat for you. Tim Sylvia has founded The Maine-Iac 90 Day Weight Loss Challenge, so that you can get in shape with the former UFC champion.

So what is inspiring Tim Sylvia to challenge his loyal fans? Is he trying to persuade people that fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son? Is he concerned about the rising obesity rates in our children? Believe it or not, it appears he’s doing this due to his own weight issues. I know, I can’t think of a single mean-spirited, sarcastic comment to make here, either, so let’s hear it from the former champion himself:


(And if you act fast, he’ll throw in “How to Throw a Leg Kick” for free!)

Are you a fat, nerdy MMA fan who lives with his mother and spends his time trolling the Internet? Well, obviously not, so you’ll have to play along here. But if you were overweight, and also decided that the whole “eating healthier and exercising” thing didn’t involve enough former UFC champions for your liking, then would I have a treat for you. Tim Sylvia has founded The Maine-Iac 90 Day Weight Loss Challenge, so that you can get in shape with the former UFC champion.

So what is inspiring Tim Sylvia to challenge his loyal fans? Is he trying to persuade people that fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son? Is he concerned about the rising obesity rates in our children? Believe it or not, it appears he’s doing this due to his own weight issues. I know, I can’t think of a single mean-spirited, sarcastic comment to make here, either, so let’s hear it from the former champion himself:

Well as most of you know, I am in my late 30?s and getting towards the end of my fighting career and I have noticed that it is getting harder and harder to maintain my weight. I received a short notice on a fight opportunity and weighed 330 lbs. at the time. To be in ultimate fighting shape – I needed to be 265 lbs! I only had 5 weeks to drop so a friend of mine turned me onto the Body by Vi Challenge. Within 3 weeks I lost 35 lbs but I had to bust by butt to get there!!! With that being said I was so surprised at how easy this diet was and how great the shakes tastes. Needless to say I am a believer and happy to share this with all my friends and fans. Join me in this journey to a better lifestyle. So please if you’re interested in a better way of life and just want to feel better – Join Me Today in the Body by Vi 90 day Challenge!

I know what you’re thinking: How can a guy with such an intense workout routine balloon up to 330 pounds? The answer, of course, is a lack of $249 Transformation Kit -proudly labeled “Tim’s Kit” – in his diet. Said kit contains some protein powder, a multivitamin, some flavor packets, and a whole lot of snake oil scientific weight loss stuff.

As Fightlinker pointed out, Sylvia’s challenge is really just an affiliate thing of the Body by Vi Challenge, meaning that Tim makes money off of everyone who buys something from his site. Eh, we’ve seen worse attempts at paying bills from former MMA fighters. Much worse. So how about picking up some protein powder from a former champion?

@SethFalvo