(“I appreciate the recognition, but really, this award belongs to CagePotato. Get up here, guys.”)
By Jason Moles
This time last year, I gave you a list of predictions that really created a stir. I boasted that the UFC would host an event in Mexico and be legalized in New York. Man, was I ever wrong about that. I apologize. But I also said that Dana White would coin a new phrase, land a network TV deal and that a famous athlete would cross over into the world of mixed martial arts. Not bad, eh? 2012 is quickly approaching so get the champagne on ice and let’s get to those wild predictions…
1. FOX will reprimand Dana White for his inevitable off-handed comments.
“Faggot“, “f*cking retarded”, “dumb bitch” — these are all things that have been uttered by the president of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, Dana White. The UFC may be MMA’s pinnacle and FOX’s diamond in the rough, but if the promotion is ever to secure a spot in the mainstream, it needs to display more control over its mouthpiece and his tongue. Advertisers tend to frown upon such public displays of hostility and bigotry. When Uncle Dana slips again and gives someone an earful, you can be certain that it won’t go unpunished as it has in the past. This goes for you too, Rogan and Rashad.
2. A champion will test positive for a banned substance.
This is not a repeat of 2002, 2003, or 2007. With nearly twenty champions total in the three largest MMA promotions, it’s not completely absurd to think that one of them has to be on something. I’d like to think that the warriors I pay money to watch fight are in such great shape and so shredded by drinking milk, taking their vitamins and doing lots of situps…but if I allowed myself to believe that I might as well believe that “you could punch a man 300 times, he hits you 11 times, wraps his legs around your head for eight seconds and they declare him the winner.” We shouldn’t point any fingers. (At least not yet, anyway.)
3. Brock Lesnar will retire from Mixed Martial Arts.
How many times can you tell the Grim Reaper “I’ll be ready when I’m damn good and ready”? No, not that one, but that might be a good fight. Problem: Brock Lesnar’s body is suffering from a serious illness, he really doesn’t like to get punched in the face, and he HATES being away from home. Solution: Retire from MMA, have Vince McMahon pay you millions to star in the next direct-to-DVD WWE film conveniently filmed in Lesnar’s backyard and make an appearance every now and then. Sure sounds a heck of a lot better than training like this all the time.
4. Anderson Silva will vacate his title to tour the world with Justin Bieber.
Look, it’s easier for me to type that than it is to suggest the possibility of Anderson Silva losing in 2012. Silva isn’t expected to fight until sometime in the summer when half the year is in the books. Champions rarely defend their title more than once a year and with his projected timeline, Silva may only step foot in the cage once before the world comes to an end. Given the fighters who are currently “in the mix” and the probability of a fully healthy Spider losing to an American Gangster, a Count, or even a Filipino Wrecking Machine, I can say with certainty that the UFC middleweight champion will remain Anderson Silva ad infinitum.
5. Nick Diaz will buy a house.
Following another big payday against Carlos Condit, Diaz will take some time off and finally enroll in those “Buying a House” classes at the local community college. For his thesis project, he will purchase a modest bungalow in the good part of Stockton. After that, he’ll have even more reasons to complain about not being paid enough, including property taxes and lawn maintenance.
