Tag: Satire Sunday

Satire Sunday: Spuds McKenzie Guilty of Sexual Harassment, Sentenced to Nine Months Probation

DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.

Anheuser-Busch respects women, and would never support sexism in any way.

The family-friendly Anheuser-Busch corporation has just been turned upside down. Former Bud Light mascot Spuds MacKenzie has been found guilty in the state of Nevada of sexually harassing multiple women while employed by Anheuser-Busch. Furthermore, Anheuser-Busch is being investigated for its role in MacKenzie’s crimes, as victims say that the harassment was not only encouraged by fellow employees, but that the victims were vehemently discouraged from filing complaints while they were employed by the company.

The charges against MacKenzie read like the sex-depraved fantasies of a thirteen year old boy. Among them include the complaints of Carol Grey, who played the role of “Hot Blond Chick” in many Bud Light commercials. Grey revealed that MacKenzie would repeatedly order her to smack him on the ass during commercial shoots, as well as force her to publically praise MacKenzie’s sexual conquests on numerous occasions.

Shocking videos of the harassment available after the jump.

DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.

Anheuser-Busch respects women, and would never support sexism in any way.

The family-friendly Anheuser-Busch corporation has just been turned upside down. Former Bud Light mascot Spuds MacKenzie has been found guilty in the state of Nevada of sexually harassing multiple women while employed by Anheuser-Busch. Furthermore, Anheuser-Busch is being investigated for its role in MacKenzie’s crimes, as victims say that the harassment was not only encouraged by fellow employees, but that the victims were vehemently discouraged from filing complaints while they were employed by the company.

The charges against MacKenzie read like the sex-depraved fantasies of a twelve year old boy. Among them include the complaints of Carol Grey, who played the role of “Hot Blond Chick” in many Bud Light commercials. Grey revealed that MacKenzie would repeatedly order her to smack him on the ass during commercial shoots, as well as force her to publically praise MacKenzie’s sexual conquests on numerous occasions.

A shocking video from the Anheuser-Busch archives captured the incident in question:

Notable accusations were also made by Mileena Johnson, who played the role of “Tits and/or Ass #14” throughout her career with Bud Light. Johnson accused Spuds MacKenzie of forcing her to use her breasts to massage MacKenzie’s neck, and that Spuds threatened to rape her if she didn’t comply. She claims that he told her to, in his own words, “Rub them titties on my neck or I’ll hump the shit out of your leg. And then your vagina.” Johnson also accused MacKenzie of voyeurism, although charges were eventually dropped. As with Grey, Johnson was able to use a video from the Anheuser-Busch archives to support her claims.

Spuds MacKenzie was defended by Attorney Alistair Overeem, who blamed irresponsible members of Bud Light film crews for the incidents in question. Said Alistair Overeem, Esq., “My client absolutely does not believe in, nor does he take part in, the objectification of women. At least when he’s sober.”

Attorney Overeem went on to explain that former members of Bud Light’s film crew would offer Spuds MacKenzie moonshine before shooting commercials. Spuds did not know that moonshine contained alcohol, and therefore would consume as many as seven shots of moonshine before coming into contact with his victims. While Spuds MacKenzie felt sorry that his victims had to endure months of harassment, he also recognized that the incidents were clearly not his fault. Therefore, he should not be punished in any way, shape or form for his actions.

After a Nevada state record three seconds of deliberation, the jury had found Spuds MacKenzie guilty of multiple charges of sexual harassment. However, many people were unsatisfied by what they felt was an excessively lenient punishment of nine months of probation from The Honorable Judge Christiane Santos.

“I can sympathize with being a victim of a heinous incident that tramples your basic rights as a human being,” said The Honorable Judge Christiane Santos, “but rules are rules, and sexual harassment is against them. It is neither fair nor just that people are expected to know every little detail about every single substance that they put into their bodies…”

“AMEN!” interrupted Muhammad Lawal.

“Since you never argued that you didn’t actually harass those chicks, the law says that you need to be punished. So I’m giving you nine months of probation. That seems fair. ”

While Spuds MacKenzie may have gotten off easy in court, his reputation will arguably never be restored.  Immediately after the trial, Anheuser-Busch formally denounced the former Bud Light mascot and denied any involvement with MacKenzie’s harassment.

“As a family-oriented company responsible for a product that brings positive changes to society, we truly regret ever being involved with Spuds MacKenzie,” said Anheuser-Busch public relations specialist Quinton Beck. “Had we have  known about MacKenzie’s behavior, we never would have allowed him to be a role model for children around the world. While nothing we can do will change the past, we are making a sincere attempt to provide children with a positive, ethical dog to encourage them to bring about social change by drinking as much Bud Light as humanly possible.”

After fifteen seconds of confused, awkward silence, Beck muttered under his breath “Responsibly, when they’re twenty one, of course.”

– @SethFalvo

Satire Sunday: Testosterone is for Cheaters, Says Adderall Snorting Journalist

DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.

Pictured: How drug abusing MMA fighters would look if they had some dignity.

The general public has been outraged over Chael Sonnen’s recent comments defending Alistair Overeem, and do not seem to be willing to forgive and forget any time soon. Sonnen defended Overeem on the basis that Overeem simply had an elevated testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, and did not test positive for an illegal substance. However, many still believe that Overeem’s elevated T:E ratio was caused by testosterone usage. If true (and it certainly looks true), it gives him an unfair advantage at his job, and therefore is completely unacceptable.

“This is an outrage!” cried Sean Franchetti, a journalist for the popular MMA news outlet Cage Crapato, while snorting his third Adderall of the week. “SorryaboutthatIhave…I have four feature articles due by tomorrow morning, and there’s no way I can do all that without snorting a few lines first.”

DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.

Pictured: How drug abusing MMA fighters would look if they had some dignity.

The general public has been outraged over Chael Sonnen’s recent comments defending Alistair Overeem, and do not seem to be willing to forgive and forget any time soon. Sonnen defended Overeem on the basis that Overeem simply had an elevated testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, and did not test positive for an illegal substance. However, many still believe  that Overeem’s elevated T:E ratio was caused by testosterone usage. If true (and it certainly looks true), it gives him an unfair advantage at his job, and therefore is completely unacceptable.

“This is  an outrage!” cried Sean Franchetti, a journalist for the popular MMA news outlet Cage Crapato, while snorting his third Adderall of the week. “SorryaboutthatIhave…I have four feature articles due by tomorrow morning, and there’s no way I can do all that without snorting a few lines first.”

“Anyways, I don’t care if he has a prescription for it; cheaters who take drugs that give them competitive advantages should be banned from sports! You don’t see me taking steroids to do my job, do you?”

Franchetti is not alone on his stance towards testosterone usage in mixed martial arts. People across the country seem to agree that drug usage is deplorable- especially when the drug in question makes a person better at his or her job.

“This is why professional sports are such a joke- they all need drugs to do anything meaningful! If you aren’t good enough to do your job without injecting drugs, then you just aren’t good enough to be doing the job in the first place.” says Grayson McDouche, lead singer of the hardcore punk band The Arachnamen. “Guys like Sid Vicious, Dee Dee Ramone, G.G. Allin…they’re the real heroes. If people weren’t such jock-worshipping sheep, they’d idolize those of us who don’t need drugs to create things of meaning.”

But the problem of testosterone usage runs deeper than pure performance enhancement. Some people, like Jerry Conway, president of bodybuilding supplement company Sugarpill Pharmaceuticals, worry that the acceptance of testosterone usage in sports will keep those who chose not to use testosterone- or perhaps those who can’t afford it- out of competitive sports.

“What about the athletes who can’t afford to spend money on testosterone injections, or the athletes that look at [testosterone usage] and think ‘I don’t want to take this, this is too dangerous’? They’re now out of the loop, all because they aren’t risking their health on something their trainers mindlessly told them to take. And when you add on that some of these fighters are getting testosterone at prescription prices, they might as well be sponsored by this abomination to professional sports!”

Sugarpill Pharmaceuticals is the official sponsor of Indiana Super Fights, and sponsors several MMA fighters. Their most popular pre-workout drink, Turbo DecaVar 5000 XTREME!!!!!, has caused four heart attacks to date.

Likewise, Dr. Philip Napoleon, a professor of Bellator History at Louisiana University, worries that athletes are getting unnecessary prescriptions for testosterone, which in turn causes doctors to be hesitant to write prescriptions for people who actually need prescription drugs.

“You got these guys saying ‘I need testosterone because I’m tired from my workouts’ like that’s an unexpected consequence of intense training. It makes the whole thing look like a joke. It’s why it’s so hard to convince doctors that I need an Adderall prescription, and why the English department has trouble getting marijuana prescriptions for their insomnia/back problems/hatred of Doritos/terrible golf swings.” said Dr. Napoleon via email.

“I remember the day it became obvious to me that I needed an Adderall prescription: I was trying to write a two hour lecture on Ben Askren’s fighting style. While watching his fights, I became so bored that I couldn’t focus. It wasn’t just plain old vanilla ‘This fight could be more interesting’ that I was feeling; I literally felt like I’d rather pay attention to ANYTHING but Ben Askren. In fact, at one point during the fourth round of his most recent fight, I almost fell asleep! Clearly, I am a man who needs Adderall, yet so many doctors assume that giving me a prescription would be a farce- all because athletes are getting unnecessary testosterone prescriptions!”

After speaking to fans and pundits, it’s painfully clear that performance enhancement through drug usage is a dark problem in professional sports. Many athletes are getting questionable prescriptions for testosterone, which can be dangerous if misused. Yet these athletes are often naïve enough to think that they actually need testosterone.

Most importantly: it is obvious that the problem of performance enhancement through drug usage is a problem that is exclusive to professional sports, and by no means carries over to the rest of society.

– @SethFalvo