Tag: Satire

NSAC to Begin Implementing Intensive Drug-Testing Procedures…on NSAC

(We hear that if you play that song backwards on loop, it lines up perfectly with the Wizard of Oz, maaaaaaan.)

Disclaimer: Guys, I am really digging the articles you’ve been sending in, but especially these Onion-style pieces ala “Ultimate Roided Fucking Killers League.” Here is another such article that’s just as hilarious. — Jared

By CP Reader Scott Johnson

Off the heels of the major announcement made by the UFC last Wednesday, the Nevada State Athletic Commission (NSAC) has decided to follow suit with a groundbreaking decision of their own. Beginning June 30th, NSAC will begin implementing a new drug testing policy upon itself in the hopes that it will curb the erratic, irrational behavior that has long plagued its decision making process. (See: everything from the past month)

The new policy will see representatives of the NSAC, which includes referees, judges and commission members, be subject to year round random drug tests as well as mandatory testing prior to any events or hearings. These new changes are expected to help to eradicate the poor decisions that have adversely affected all aspects of MMA.

“After reviewing the hearing that took place on February 17th of 2015, it was clear that changes needed to be made to ensure that the integrity and good name of the Nevada State Athletic Commission would remain intact,” said Francisco Aguilar without a hint of irony or self-awareness in his voice.


(We hear that if you play that song backwards on loop, it lines up perfectly with the Wizard of Oz, maaaaaaan.)

Disclaimer: Guys, I am really digging the articles you’ve been sending in, but especially these Onion-style pieces ala “Ultimate Roided Fucking Killers League.” Here is another such article that’s just as hilarious. — Jared

By CP Reader Scott Johnson

Off the heels of the major announcement made by the UFC last Wednesday, the Nevada State Athletic Commission (NSAC) has decided to follow suit with a groundbreaking decision of their own. Beginning June 30th, NSAC will begin implementing a new drug testing policy upon itself in the hopes that it will curb the erratic, irrational behavior that has long plagued its decision making process. (See: everything from the past month)

The new policy will see representatives of the NSAC, which includes referees, judges and commission members, be subject to year round random drug tests as well as mandatory testing prior to any events or hearings. These new changes are expected to help to eradicate the poor decisions that have adversely affected all aspects of MMA.

“After reviewing the hearing that took place on February 17th of 2015, it was clear that changes needed to be made to ensure that the integrity and good name of the Nevada State Athletic Commission would remain intact,” said Francisco Aguilar without a hint of irony or self-awareness in his voice.

He continued, “What message would it send to the sports community if we had to admit that our drug testing had fallen so far behind that it made the UFC’s policies look progressive?”

Mr. Aguilar’s opinion on the initial outcome of this new policy mirrored that of UFC President Dana White’s statement from last week that things would most likely get worse before they got better.

We know that there will be an initial backlash from our representatives. I know for a fact that requiring the judges present at ringside to be sober at future events will present an issue as most of them don’t know much about the sport and show little to no interest in the events taking place in the cage.

“We are glad that the NSAC has chosen our facilities to provide their drug testing services,” said Dr. David “Tank” Throatkick, Chief Physician at the Foothills Anti-doping Research and Control Establishment and graduate of the highly vaunted Hollywood Upstairs Medical College.

“We remain on the edge of progressive anti-doping testing procedures by instituting the standard tests in place while researching new and inventive ways to identify any performance enhancing chemicals. To ensure the accuracy of our results we will be administering urine test as well as requesting samples of the subject’s blood, hair, saliva, snot, and semen.”

When summoned, members of the NSAC will be required to submit the necessary samples or be subject to penalties based on the egregiousness and recurrence the of the offense. Examples of these penalties will include (but not be limited to): fines, suspensions, required appearances on Ariel Helwani’s podcast, life coaching sessions with the Diaz brothers, mandatory attendance at Fox Sports 1 UFC events from prelim to main event and other terrible punishments.

“It’s about damned time!” proclaimed Joe Rogan, UFC color commentator, noted conspiracy theorist and alleged comedian. “Seriously, did you hear the things that were being said at that hearing? Placing microchips into the fighter’s gloves? It’s unreal! I’ve said some pretty wild shit on my podcast after a blaze session with Eddie but even I couldn’t believe the nonsense they were spouting.”

UFC President Dana White was equally jovial when discussing the decision, although it was difficult to tell at first due to the bitter hostility in his tone.

“This is the fucking best think the NSAC could have fucking done. Easily the best pound for pound fucking decision they ever made” said White. “It’s been the worst kept fucking secret in sports. Anyone could have fucking seen this fucking coming from the terrible judging to early stoppages to that stupid fucking shit Cecil Peoples does when starting a fight. Anyone who wants to be a part of making crucial decisions in officiating or regulating our sport will have to ask themselves the question “Do you want to be a fucking teetotaler?”‘

Upon the announcement of the new policy, the reinstatement application for refereeing on behalf of Josh Rosenthal was voluntarily rescinded by the applicant.

In Case You Missed It: Homeless Bum Dana White Helps Rob Riggle Make Week 13 NFL Picks

Skip to the 1:45 mark for Dana’s appearance. Props to reader Alan K for the video.

While the rest of you were watching football today (the American version, aka the one worth watching *chugs beer, initiates U-S-A! chant*), you may have noticed a familiar face in this week’s edition of Riggle’s Picks. No, it wasn’t one of us. It was UFC President Dana White, satirizing “Exclusive Access” sports websites alongside Rob Riggle.

Riggle hits all the standard punchlines about these types: Improbable rumors, Rex Ryan is a fat mess, that these sites are only in it for the money, Richard Simmons, the webmasters live with their mothers, Jewish guilt- you know the drill by now. But Dana White steals the show with his masterful performance as a homeless drunk, who serves as an incarnation of “Guy who can’t possibly have inside information spreading outlandish rumors that only internet trolls are dumb enough to believe.”


Skip to the 1:45 mark for Dana’s appearance. Props to reader Alan K for the video.

While the rest of you were watching football today (the American version, aka the one worth watching *chugs beer, initiates U-S-A! chant*), you may have noticed a familiar face in this week’s edition of Riggle’s Picks. No, it wasn’t one of us. It was UFC President Dana White, satirizing “Exclusive Access” sports websites alongside Rob Riggle.

Riggle hits all the standard punchlines about these types: Improbable rumors, Rex Ryan is a fat mess, that these sites are only in it for the money, Richard Simmons, the webmasters live with their mothers, Jewish guilt- you know the drill by now. But Dana White steals the show with his masterful performance as a homeless drunk, who serves as an incarnation of “Guy who can’t possibly have inside information spreading outlandish rumors that only internet trolls are dumb enough to believe.”

Dana White is perfect for this role, and not just because it helps promote the upcoming UFC on Fox card. The Baldfather has certainly made his frustrations known about the way that many media outlets cover his sport, so one has to imagine he really enjoyed the opportunity to portray them as money-hungry attention whores who listen to homeless drunks for advice.

And the best part? There is absolutely no way that this can possibly be directed at us. So suck on that, world, and enjoy the video.

@SethFalvo

Satire Sunday: Testosterone is for Cheaters, Says Adderall Snorting Journalist

DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.

Pictured: How drug abusing MMA fighters would look if they had some dignity.

The general public has been outraged over Chael Sonnen’s recent comments defending Alistair Overeem, and do not seem to be willing to forgive and forget any time soon. Sonnen defended Overeem on the basis that Overeem simply had an elevated testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, and did not test positive for an illegal substance. However, many still believe that Overeem’s elevated T:E ratio was caused by testosterone usage. If true (and it certainly looks true), it gives him an unfair advantage at his job, and therefore is completely unacceptable.

“This is an outrage!” cried Sean Franchetti, a journalist for the popular MMA news outlet Cage Crapato, while snorting his third Adderall of the week. “SorryaboutthatIhave…I have four feature articles due by tomorrow morning, and there’s no way I can do all that without snorting a few lines first.”

DISCLAIMER: This feature is purely a satirical piece- you know, like the title explicitly states. Any references to real people and events are purely for comedic effect. Nothing you are about to read is actual news, and no quotes used in this article are authentic quotes. In short, don’t take anything you are about to read as a real news story.

Pictured: How drug abusing MMA fighters would look if they had some dignity.

The general public has been outraged over Chael Sonnen’s recent comments defending Alistair Overeem, and do not seem to be willing to forgive and forget any time soon. Sonnen defended Overeem on the basis that Overeem simply had an elevated testosterone-to-epitestosterone ratio, and did not test positive for an illegal substance. However, many still believe  that Overeem’s elevated T:E ratio was caused by testosterone usage. If true (and it certainly looks true), it gives him an unfair advantage at his job, and therefore is completely unacceptable.

“This is  an outrage!” cried Sean Franchetti, a journalist for the popular MMA news outlet Cage Crapato, while snorting his third Adderall of the week. “SorryaboutthatIhave…I have four feature articles due by tomorrow morning, and there’s no way I can do all that without snorting a few lines first.”

“Anyways, I don’t care if he has a prescription for it; cheaters who take drugs that give them competitive advantages should be banned from sports! You don’t see me taking steroids to do my job, do you?”

Franchetti is not alone on his stance towards testosterone usage in mixed martial arts. People across the country seem to agree that drug usage is deplorable- especially when the drug in question makes a person better at his or her job.

“This is why professional sports are such a joke- they all need drugs to do anything meaningful! If you aren’t good enough to do your job without injecting drugs, then you just aren’t good enough to be doing the job in the first place.” says Grayson McDouche, lead singer of the hardcore punk band The Arachnamen. “Guys like Sid Vicious, Dee Dee Ramone, G.G. Allin…they’re the real heroes. If people weren’t such jock-worshipping sheep, they’d idolize those of us who don’t need drugs to create things of meaning.”

But the problem of testosterone usage runs deeper than pure performance enhancement. Some people, like Jerry Conway, president of bodybuilding supplement company Sugarpill Pharmaceuticals, worry that the acceptance of testosterone usage in sports will keep those who chose not to use testosterone- or perhaps those who can’t afford it- out of competitive sports.

“What about the athletes who can’t afford to spend money on testosterone injections, or the athletes that look at [testosterone usage] and think ‘I don’t want to take this, this is too dangerous’? They’re now out of the loop, all because they aren’t risking their health on something their trainers mindlessly told them to take. And when you add on that some of these fighters are getting testosterone at prescription prices, they might as well be sponsored by this abomination to professional sports!”

Sugarpill Pharmaceuticals is the official sponsor of Indiana Super Fights, and sponsors several MMA fighters. Their most popular pre-workout drink, Turbo DecaVar 5000 XTREME!!!!!, has caused four heart attacks to date.

Likewise, Dr. Philip Napoleon, a professor of Bellator History at Louisiana University, worries that athletes are getting unnecessary prescriptions for testosterone, which in turn causes doctors to be hesitant to write prescriptions for people who actually need prescription drugs.

“You got these guys saying ‘I need testosterone because I’m tired from my workouts’ like that’s an unexpected consequence of intense training. It makes the whole thing look like a joke. It’s why it’s so hard to convince doctors that I need an Adderall prescription, and why the English department has trouble getting marijuana prescriptions for their insomnia/back problems/hatred of Doritos/terrible golf swings.” said Dr. Napoleon via email.

“I remember the day it became obvious to me that I needed an Adderall prescription: I was trying to write a two hour lecture on Ben Askren’s fighting style. While watching his fights, I became so bored that I couldn’t focus. It wasn’t just plain old vanilla ‘This fight could be more interesting’ that I was feeling; I literally felt like I’d rather pay attention to ANYTHING but Ben Askren. In fact, at one point during the fourth round of his most recent fight, I almost fell asleep! Clearly, I am a man who needs Adderall, yet so many doctors assume that giving me a prescription would be a farce- all because athletes are getting unnecessary testosterone prescriptions!”

After speaking to fans and pundits, it’s painfully clear that performance enhancement through drug usage is a dark problem in professional sports. Many athletes are getting questionable prescriptions for testosterone, which can be dangerous if misused. Yet these athletes are often naïve enough to think that they actually need testosterone.

Most importantly: it is obvious that the problem of performance enhancement through drug usage is a problem that is exclusive to professional sports, and by no means carries over to the rest of society.

– @SethFalvo

Oh, For F*ck’s Sake: Rashad Evans’s Camp Actually Believed Dana White Was Betting Against Him


(Nope. Not even gonna go there. / Photo via Zimbio.)

After all the unexpected drama on Tuesday, I was really hoping we could put “caption-gate” behind us. Oh, if only. Following up their first report on the UFC’s demand for retraction, USA Today did a second piece with UFC CEO Lorenzo Fertitta which further explains why the promotion was so furious with this website. Here are some choice quotes from Fertitta:

“These fighters are already paranoid enough. Dana had to talk to Rashad on the phone for 30 minutes to calm him down, to tell him, ‘Are you crazy? There’s no way I would ever bet on a fight or bet against you.’…You’ve got to understand, Rashad’s entire team — his entire camp — was in his ear telling him they read this online and that Dana bet half a million dollars against him.”

“[CagePotato] flatout lied. They just made up a story and lied. Somebody who doesn’t know what our policies are and what we do, they could look at it in a very negative light…These guys go out and do this reckless reporting — it’s not even reporting — make these reckless statements and they end up causing us fallout and having to deal with issues. Why should we even have to deal with this stuff? They made this up and lied and put it online.”

“It didn’t read like a joke at all. If you look at the article, when you first read that, it sounds like that they were in a room with Dana, talking to him, and he says, ‘Oh,’ and he kind of made a mistake and said something, and said ‘Don’t print that.’…if I read an article like that, I would seriously believe that that actually happened and that went down.”


(Nope. Not even gonna go there. / Photo via Zimbio.)

After all the unexpected drama on Tuesday, I was really hoping we could put “caption-gate” behind us. Oh, if only. Following up their first report on the UFC’s demand for retraction, USA Today did a second piece with UFC CEO Lorenzo Fertitta which further explains why the promotion was so furious with this website. Here are some choice quotes from Fertitta:

“These fighters are already paranoid enough. Dana had to talk to Rashad on the phone for 30 minutes to calm him down, to tell him, ‘Are you crazy? There’s no way I would ever bet on a fight or bet against you.’…You’ve got to understand, Rashad’s entire team — his entire camp — was in his ear telling him they read this online and that Dana bet half a million dollars against him.”

“[CagePotato] flatout lied. They just made up a story and lied. Somebody who doesn’t know what our policies are and what we do, they could look at it in a very negative light…These guys go out and do this reckless reporting — it’s not even reporting — make these reckless statements and they end up causing us fallout and having to deal with issues. Why should we even have to deal with this stuff? They made this up and lied and put it online.”

“It didn’t read like a joke at all. If you look at the article, when you first read that, it sounds like that they were in a room with Dana, talking to him, and he says, ‘Oh,’ and he kind of made a mistake and said something, and said ‘Don’t print that.’…if I read an article like that, I would seriously believe that that actually happened and that went down.”

“We’re currently evaluating whether [the retraction was] sufficient or not. Like I said, there’s been a massive amount of fallout in the wake of them putting out something that is completely reckless in the way that they did. I don’t understand how anybody could defend what they did. It’s a very serious allegation. For them to even joke that Dana made a wager of that magnitude on one fighter versus another fighter is something that could have tremendous negative implications for the industry, for our company and a lot of different things…What if on Saturday night there’s a controversial decision that goes to Jon Jones? Which obviously is completely out of our hands. What if that happens? Can you imagine the fervor and the fallout that there would be? It would be a complete disaster.”

I feel genuinely awful that Rashad Evans had to deal with this bullshit leading up to his title fight this weekend. Still, none of this would have happened if a group of lame-brained idiots (like this one, for example) didn’t misunderstand a joke, then spread it to the UFC and Rashad’s team as if it was fact. Isn’t that reckless reporting?

Look, this wasn’t a “story we made up,” or a “lie,” or “reporting,” or even a “statement.” It was a joke in a caption that flew over the heads of a select group of morons. And we weren’t the ones responsible for spreading it as the truth. Yes, there will always be people who literally believe everything they read on the Internet, but that’s no reason to abolish satire.

And one more thing: Of all the thousands of jokes and satirical captions we’ve posted on CagePotato over the years, why did this one get interpreted and disseminated as fact? We’ve been cracking wise since 2007, and this situation has never, ever happened to us before. So why did some UFC fans — and Rashad’s entire camp, apparently — want to believe that Dana White was betting money on Jon Jones?

Part of me thinks that Rashad’s team seized on this story to fire Rashad up for his fight with Jones. As for the rest of you jackasses: What’s your excuse?

Of Course Chael Sonnen Has a New Self-Help Book Coming Out

In case you were looking for a self-help book to pick up to aid you in keeping your New Year’s resolutions this year, Victory Belt Publishing has one you’re probably going to want to check out.

Apparently Chael Sonnen kept busy during his one-year suspension from fighting and he penned a new book, titled, “The Voice of Reason: A V.I.P. Pass to Enlightenment,” which he says touches on “physics, politics, linguistics, history, and physiology.” Knowing Chael, he probably just put his dust cover over “The Rock’s” biography and called it his own.

Check out the description of the 320-page tome by Chael P. himself, after the jump.

In case you were looking for a self-help book to pick up to aid you in keeping your New Year’s resolutions this year, Victory Belt Publishing has one you’re probably going to want to check out.

Apparently Chael Sonnen kept busy during his one-year suspension from fighting and he penned a new book, titled, “The Voice of Reason: A V.I.P. Pass to Enlightenment,” which he says touches on “physics, politics, linguistics, history, and physiology.” Knowing Chael, he probably just put his dust cover over “The Rock’s” biography and called it his own.

Here’s the description of the 320-page tome by Chael P. himself:

Presence. Tenacity. Insight. Omniscience. No need to look these words up. They are defined by yours truly. Who am I? I’m the one who needs no introduction, the walking thesaurus, the UFC’s most infamous and feared destroyer of men. I am Chael P. Sonnen, and you want to be just like me.

It’s your lucky day. What you are holding in your hands is nothing short of a V.I.P pass to enlightenment. In the coming pages my humor and tales of heroic adventure will baptize you in superhuman greatness. Allow me to carry you like a frail damsel as I make a nightmarish decent into the bowels of Sao Paulo. Sit before me as a student as I teach you about my plans of creating a Chaelocracy, which translates to “A Better Earth.” Shower me with praise as I take you into my manly mitts like a lump of seemingly worthless clay and craft you into something far better than yourself—me.

Like all great men of myth and legend, I strive for the betterment of the human race. Prometheus brought us fire; Dana White brought us the modern day gladiator; and I bring you a step-by-step guide to being just like me. Do you have what it takes? Is there truly a chance that one day you will be able to walk in my shoes? Purchase this book and find out. There is no better day to stop being you and start trying to be me.

You’re welcome civilization.

Not convinced? Here is some addition information you will glean from The Voice of Reason:

• Why Dance Dance Revolution is the national fighting style of Brazil.

• How vegans are ruining themselves and the world.

• Why you should never feed carrots to a school bus.

• Why you don’t need an athlete to be your hero.

• How fighters and fashion models have the exact same job.

• Why Republicans are more compassionate, pioneering, rebellious, and generally cooler than any liberal.

Inside this book I offer you my knowledge of physics, politics, linguistics, history, and physiology. Unless you are currently standing in the checkout line or speeding home, wanting to save my brilliance for when you are curled up in a recliner sipping on some tea, you have already failed at becoming something similar to me. Chael P. Sonnen knows what he wants and buys it. He doesn’t need a dust jacket to tell him a book is good. He can feel it.

We recommend Chael Check out our new self-help book, published by CP Press: