Tag: The Daily Swag

Mama said knock you out, but she didn’t say anything about doing it this quickly.

Four seconds is time enough for very few good things in life. It’s enough time to fall down the stairs, stub your toe or creep a girl out by staring too long. Generally speaking, only bad things happen in that amount of time.

Unless you’re Garrett Whitman, that is. In which case four seconds is time enough to banish a fellow cage fighter into the darkness.

According to Paul Sacca of Next Impulse Sports, Whitman is the fighter who ended a recent match against McKlaine McKinnon in the time it would take me to type his name into my cell phone.

The event was a Get Down Amateur Promotions fight in California, and I can only hope for the sake of these spectators that this was only one of the 10 fights Whitman was slated for on the night.

The match began with the usual touch of the gloves, and from there it was all unusual. Whitman (in the red) rounded on McKinnon quickly, and seeing an opportunity, he hauled off and kicked him in the face—a Brazil kick, to be exact—and the man in the black folded onto the mat like a lawn chair.

The crowd reaction was a mix of astonishment and excitement as Whitman hopped around the ring celebrating. McKinnon, on the other hand, lay limp-toweled on the mat, unmoving.

Fortunately for everyone, the downed fighter showed signs of consciousness and managed to raise his head and feet toward the end of the video. Whitman later accepted praise for the kick on Twitter, saying he practiced the move. He also said he hoped McKinnon was OK. 

@fightparrotit felt great. practiced that brazil/questionmark kick a lot.i just hope Mac’s okay

— Garrett Whitman (@garwhitman) May 30, 2013

I have to say, you don’t typically see a man whose last name is phonetically identical to John McClane being dispatched so easily, especially by someone named “Garrett.”

Brush it off, McKlaine, and remember to mind those high-swinging branches next time.

 

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And just like that, the 12 days of Christmas were no more. 

Big Lead spotted this video of Brittney Palmer and a bunch of UFC fighters delivering the most depressing “12 Days of Christmas” we have ever seen or heard. 

It all seems to be a part of an ad for fitness supplements from Gamma Labs. But now I don’t feel like getting fit nor going out and celebrating Christmas. 

Hell, I am beginning to re-think my previous crush on Palmer as well as the UFC. 

OK, while those remain true, I still can’t get past this video which is roughly 3 minutes too long. At least, that’s what it feels like. 

Each new “day” of Christmas feels like a kick to the kidneys. 

We have some idea of how this might have happened behind the scenes: 

Producer 1: We have to make some sort of commercial for the Holiday season. 
Producer 2: Why not get Brittney Palmer?
Producer 1: Brilliant, but she should be singing something Christmassy.
Producer 2: How about the “12 Days of Christmas?”
Producer 1: Genius. Now, let’s make this more MMA related by getting some fighters. 
Producer 2: Should they be with her by the Christmas tree?
Producer 1: Hell, no. We can just go shoot them with some cheap camcorder. 

Somehow, someway, these world-class athletes and their beautiful octagon girl managed to look awkward. 

Congratulations. 

Be careful, because if you make it through the whole video, you will have a very real need to distance yourself from MMA, Brittney Palmer and Christmas. 

Hit me up on Twitter and tell me I’m wrong. 

Follow @gabezal

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Ray Elbe reportedly suffered a horrendous injury while having sex with his girlfriend recently, essentially breaking his penis and passing out from the pain. 

There. 

That is pretty much all you need to know and can carry on with your day knowing full well that a remarkable athlete was struck down by fate with a malady I didn’t even know was possible. 

I am guessing you want more of the graphic details involving one man’s penis and how it went about breaking during sex. By all means, continue. But know that you have been warned. 

TMZ reports the MMA fighter who featured on “Ultimate Fighter 9,” Ray Elbe, was rushed to the hospital earlier this month while staying in Malaysia. 

Not only did he reportedly break his penis, the injury apparently required the use of 10 stitches, pretty much making this the worst story ever. 

…he was having sex with his GF, who was “on top”…when she bounced a little too high, and crunched Ray’s erect penis. 

According to Ray, his penis “fractured”…and “blood was everywhere.” Ray says he immediately passed out from the pain.

Feeling a little woozy myself, TMZ. Thanks. 

He was taken to the hospital where he was treated for what the report calls, “a slight tear in his urinary tube.”

It’s at this point that I have to question whether I have been on the Internet for far too long, stumbling across a story that mandates I read it whilst wincing. 

Nevertheless, we trudge ahead and read that Elbe suffered extreme pain after the operation and even delivered this little nugget. His penis was “throbbing with each heart beat.”

For those of you having a bad day, consider that Elbe is on a prescription of anti-erection pills for two weeks. That should put the waiter who forgot your ketchup with lunch into perspective. 

It gets better for Elbe. Or should we say, it gets good. 

The fighter says he learned a hard lesson from the experience—and will never let his GF be “on top” ever again. 

Elbe also explained, “In an attempt to make it up to me…[my GF] has promised me a threesome of my choice when we get to the Philippines…which usually has some solid talent.”

Well there you go. 

Life really has a way of evening out in the end. Far be it from me to lecture anyone, but this sounds like treating a broken stomach with a buffet. 

I may not have seen everything thanks to the Internet. But after this remarkable story, I am pretty damn close. 

Hit me up on Twitter for more WTF updates. 

Follow @gabezal

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Here is one MMA fighter with confidence for days and bravado aplenty, all of which caused him to get knocked out quickly. 

There isn’t much known about this video, so I looked to the comments for some added details and found a brilliant description. 

One comment on YouTube issued, “Nice to see King Hippo still gets work.”

There was also Sports Pickle, who spotted the remarkable resemblance of this situation to the Nintendo classic. 

Yes, that is exactly what this looks like—a fighter dropping his guard for no reason other than to taunt his opponent. 

The only thing missing would be an X on his belly button, providing a target similar to the video game character from Punch Out. 

Dude basically says, “Hit me with your best shot,” with his maniacal glare. His opponent may not give his best shot, but it’s a pretty good one that managed to put our King Hippo to sleep immediately. 

As if this video wasn’t crazy enough, someone who we presume is another fighter comes flying in at the 46-second mark as if he was practicing parkour in the neighborhood and just decided to stop by. 

Even Little Mac never enjoyed a round so swift and a beating so thorough. Then again, none of his cartoon opponents were so silly as to leave themselves that wide open. 

We haven’t seen a beating like that since the last time we fired up the Nintendo and fought Glass Joe. 

Follow me on Twitter for more nonsense. 

Follow @gabezal

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