(AND FOR ONLY FIVE DOLLARS MORE, I WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOME AND SCREAM AT YOUR KIDS WHILE YOU WATCH MY FIGHT ON TEVO.)
It’s hard to say what exactly inspires aging MMA fighters with the sudden desire to give the sport another go. In Aleksander Emelianenko’s case, it was money, probably to be put towards more prison-style death tattoos. In Tank Abbott’s case, it was probably because one of his crusty drinking buddies at the local VFW bet him he wouldn’t. And in UFC HOFer Ken Shamrock‘s case, it appears that his first round TKO over that chick outside a Wetzel’s Pretzels is to thank for his most recent “comeback” fight, the details of which MMAOpinion has just passed along:
UFC Hall of Famer, Ken Shamrock will be returning to MMA on July 27 to take on British MMA star Ian ‘The Machine’ Freeman under the Ultimate Cage Fighting Championship banner at the Keepmoat Stadium in Doncaster, England.
Shamrock,a UFC Superfight Champion, made his desire to fight Freeman public when he commentated on BAMMA 12. His wish has been granted after some heavy negotiation. Shamrock has been in fights with some of all time greats including Royce Gracie and Kazushi Sakuraba but it looks like even at the grand age of 49, ‘The World’s most Dangerous Man’ is not ready to call it quits. He has not fought since November 2010. His last fight in the UK saw him lose by TKO to Robert ‘Buzz’ Berry in 2008.
While we would love to bring things like Shamrock’s record over the past few years or his general mental health into the equation, we think we should hold off on our cynicism until this fight actually goes down. And honestly, when compared to what he’s been reduced to in lieu of fighting, seeing Shamrock’s brains get turned into mashed potatoes for a few thousand bucks is probably the least humiliating thing we (or he) could ask for.
(AND FOR ONLY FIVE DOLLARS MORE, I WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOME AND SCREAM AT YOUR KIDS WHILE YOU WATCH MY FIGHT ON TEVO.)
It’s hard to say what exactly inspires aging MMA fighters with the sudden desire to give the sport another go. In Aleksander Emelianenko’s case, it was money, probably to be put towards more prison-style death tattoos. In Tank Abbott’s case, it was probably because one of his crusty drinking buddies at the local VFW bet him he wouldn’t. And in UFC HOFer Ken Shamrock‘s case, it appears that his first round TKO over that chick outside a Wetzel’s Pretzels is to thank for his most recent “comeback” fight, the details of which MMAOpinion has just passed along:
UFC Hall of Famer, Ken Shamrock will be returning to MMA on July 27 to take on British MMA star Ian ‘The Machine’ Freeman under the Ultimate Cage Fighting Championship banner at the Keepmoat Stadium in Doncaster, England.
Shamrock,a UFC Superfight Champion, made his desire to fight Freeman public when he commentated on BAMMA 12. His wish has been granted after some heavy negotiation. Shamrock has been in fights with some of all time greats including Royce Gracie and Kazushi Sakuraba but it looks like even at the grand age of 49, ‘The World’s most Dangerous Man’ is not ready to call it quits. He has not fought since November 2010. His last fight in the UK saw him lose by TKO to Robert ‘Buzz’ Berry in 2008.
While we would love to bring things like Shamrock’s record over the past few years or his general mental health into the equation, we think we should hold off on our cynicism until this fight actually goes down. And honestly, when compared to what he’s been reduced to in lieu of fighting, seeing Shamrock’s brains get turned into mashed potatoes for a few thousand bucks is probably the least humiliating thing we (or he) could ask for.
Unfortunately for “The World’s Most Dangerous Man,” he will be facing a guy on an actual win streak in Ian Freeman, the UFC veteran who is best known for his upset TKO of Frank Mir at UFC 38. Granted, Freeman hasn’t competed since 2008, so if this thing doesn’t end in the first minute or so, we are all but guaranteed fifteen solid minutes of two dudes clinching and gasping for air while the announcers attempt to remind us that they are both “legends” or “pioneers” of the sport. Should be fun.
Who are we kidding? Shamwow has only made it out of the first round once since 2002. Let’s just go ahead and dub this fight a…
Are you a fat, nerdy MMA fan who lives with his mother and spends his time trolling the Internet? Well, obviously not, so you’ll have to play along here. But if you were overweight, and also decided that the whole “eating healthier and exercising” thing didn’t involve enough former UFC champions for your liking, then would I have a treat for you. Tim Sylvia has founded The Maine-Iac 90 Day Weight Loss Challenge, so that you can get in shape with the former UFC champion.
So what is inspiring Tim Sylvia to challenge his loyal fans? Is he trying to persuade people that fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son? Is he concerned about the rising obesity rates in our children? Believe it or not, it appears he’s doing this due to his own weight issues. I know, I can’t think of a single mean-spirited, sarcastic comment to make here, either, so let’s hear it from the former champion himself:
Are you a fat, nerdy MMA fan who lives with his mother and spends his time trolling the Internet? Well, obviously not, so you’ll have to play along here. But if you were overweight, and also decided that the whole “eating healthier and exercising” thing didn’t involve enough former UFC champions for your liking, then would I have a treat for you. Tim Sylvia has founded The Maine-Iac 90 Day Weight Loss Challenge, so that you can get in shape with the former UFC champion.
So what is inspiring Tim Sylvia to challenge his loyal fans? Is he trying to persuade people that fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son? Is he concerned about the rising obesity rates in our children? Believe it or not, it appears he’s doing this due to his own weight issues. I know, I can’t think of a single mean-spirited, sarcastic comment to make here, either, so let’s hear it from the former champion himself:
Well as most of you know, I am in my late 30?s and getting towards the end of my fighting career and I have noticed that it is getting harder and harder to maintain my weight. I received a short notice on a fight opportunity and weighed 330 lbs. at the time. To be in ultimate fighting shape – I needed to be 265 lbs! I only had 5 weeks to drop so a friend of mine turned me onto the Body by Vi Challenge. Within 3 weeks I lost 35 lbs but I had to bust by butt to get there!!! With that being said I was so surprised at how easy this diet was and how great the shakes tastes. Needless to say I am a believer and happy to share this with all my friends and fans. Join me in this journey to a better lifestyle. So please if you’re interested in a better way of life and just want to feel better – Join Me Today in the Body by Vi 90 day Challenge!
I know what you’re thinking: How can a guy with such an intense workout routine balloon up to 330 pounds? The answer, of course, is a lack of $249 Transformation Kit -proudly labeled “Tim’s Kit” – in his diet. Said kit contains some protein powder, a multivitamin, some flavor packets, and a whole lot of snake oil scientific weight loss stuff.
As Fightlinker pointed out, Sylvia’s challenge is really just an affiliate thing of the Body by Vi Challenge, meaning that Tim makes money off of everyone who buys something from his site. Eh, we’ve seen worse attempts at paying bills from former MMA fighters. Much worse. So how about picking up some protein powder from a former champion?
That being said, you know things aren’t exactly good for somebody when…you know what, I’ll just let this press release sent to Cagepotato.com yesterday explain:
Maryland, 29 th October 2012 [Author’s Note: The date was wrong, so I figured things weren’t exactly off to a promising start…] – UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock has announced the launch of his own fundraising chat line, allowing fans of the legendary icon to call him directly on his cell phone.
His service is part of growing micro-access phenomenon, whereby well-known public figures can connect anonymously by phone with their followers on a pay-per-minute basis.
“Okay, so I’m making a living as a fake fighter. Things can only get better from here, right?”
That being said, you know things aren’t exactly good for somebody when…you know what, I’ll just let this press release sent to Cagepotato.com yesterday explain:
Maryland, 29 th October 2012 [Author’s Note: The date was wrong, so I figured things weren’t exactly off to a promising start…] – UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock has announced the launch of his own fundraising chat line, allowing fans of the legendary icon to call him directly on his cell phone.
His service is part of growing micro-access phenomenon, whereby well-known public figures can connect anonymously by phone with their followers on a pay-per-minute basis.
Calls to the UFC celebrity are priced at $11.99 per minute, and he will join a growing list of sports luminaries who have agreed to have fans call them directly.
That’s right, Ken Shamrock is now allowing strangers to call his cell phone for money, through a service called Call a Champ. So all of you Ken Shamrock fans out there who have at least $11.99 that you haven’t already thrown into a woodchipper can buy a conversation with “The World’s Most Dangerous Man” himself. Maybe you’re just dying to ask him why he never fought Dan Severn over at Juggalo Championship Wrestling. Or maybe you want to know where to buy a good steak in Reno. Or maybe you just want to buy an incredibly awkward conversation with the former champion, where you can gush over his achievements while he occasionally says “Thanks, I appreciate that.” Regardless, you now have an outlet for all of this, and at $11.99 per minute, I imagine that the line will almost never be busy.
But the fun doesn’t stop there, unfortunately. Be sure to read Shamrock’s biography on the Call a Champ website, where the author talks about MMA and professional wrestling as if they’re the same thing:
Mixed Martial Arts is the fastest growing sport in the world today, and Ken Shamrock, as one of the sport’s founding athletes, is among the most widely recognized of the MMA fighters. With Shamrock’s unparalleled impact on the sport as a fighter and wrestler, he can only be described as an icon. Best known for his participation in the Ultimate Fighting Championships, The World Wrestling Federation, Pride Fighting Championships, Pancrase and Total Nonstop Action Wrestling, no other fighter possesses the credentials that have rightfully earned Shamrock the title coined by ABC of “The World’s Most Dangerous Man.”
If you’re looking for yet another reason to give up on life today, check out some of the other “well-known public figures” that have signed up for Call a Champ. If you happen to be a die-hard New York Giants fan, you can call Chris Calloway and ask him to apologize for every terrible Giants team of the mid-90s. If you’d rather talk to a champion, you can talk to Reuben Droughns, who was the fourth-string running back for the New York Giants when they won Super Bowl XLII, and is now an assistant coach for a Serbian football team. You can also call 1989′s NBA Sixth Man of the Year, Eddie Johnson, Loyola Marymount University Hall of Famer Bo Kimble and the first American to win a gold medal in inverted aerial skiing, Nikki Stone. So yeah, this service by no means comes off as a way for broke former pros to see if anyone will pay money to talk to them.
Granted, Ken Shamrock isn’t the first MMA fighter to sign up for something like this; for only $100, Thiago Alves will send you a recorded message! I guess the difference here is that unlike Ken Shamrock, Thiago Alves is still relevant in MMA, can still make money by fighting, and can almost sort-of justify the $100 talk-to-Pitbull fee.
Forgive me if it seems like I’ve been harping on this, but where does Ken Shamrock think he’s going to find people willing to pay $11.99 per minute to talk to him when he hasn’t been relevant in years? He’s not providing THAT kind of phone service, is he? Let me re-read that disclaimer at the top of Ken’s page…
We offer discreet one on one talk with Ken Shamrock! If Ken Shamrock is not by the phone or on another line your account balance will not be deducted. All calls are private and fully confidential. No one listens in and calls are never recorded.
When we last checked in on Drew Fickett, he had moved from Arizona to Florida to enter a rehabilitation facility, and celebrated his forty-two days of sobriety with a knockout loss to Jonatas Novaes at ShoFIGHT 20. Not to add insult to injury, but Fickett said before the fight that he was in very real danger danger of becoming homeless if he didn’t receive his win bonus as well. I wish I was here today to tell you that things have gotten better for him, but that’s not exactly the case.
Fickett met up with undefeated Grudge Training Center prospect Justin Gaethje at last weekend’s Rage in the Cage 163. I’d describe the fight for you, but that’d be a waste of time. Let’s just say that Gaethje is still undefeated, Fickett is now 1-6 in his last seven fights and I’m only writing about this fight because I have lost control of my life.
Video is after the jump.
Yep.
When we last checked in on Drew Fickett, he had moved from Arizona to Florida to enter a rehabilitation facility, and celebrated his forty-two days of sobriety with a knockout loss to Jonatas Novaes at ShoFIGHT 20. Not to add insult to injury, but Fickett said before the fight that he was in very real danger danger of becoming homeless if he didn’t receive his win bonus as well. I wish I was here today to tell you that things have gotten better for him, but that’s not exactly the case.
Fickett met up with undefeated Grudge Training Center prospect Justin Gaethje at last weekend’s Rage in the Cage 163. I’d describe the fight for you, but that’d be a waste of time. Let’s just say that Gaethje is still undefeated, Fickett is now 1-6 in his last seven fights – with his last four losses all coming in under one minute – and I’m only writing about this fight because I have lost control of my life.
If it wasn’t already crystal clear that former pound for pound boxing great Roy Jones Jr.’s near twenty-five year career had gone on for far too long, Thursday it was announced that he will fight Kevin ‘Kimbo Slice’ Ferguson in Jamaica in December. This fight that no one asked for and that no self-respecting athletic commission would sanction is apparently being made possible by something called Giomax Entertainment Company and Stewart’s Auto Sales.
Yup.
Jones went the first fourteen years or so of his professional boxing career without a real loss (He was disqualified for hitting Montell Griffin while he was down in 1997 and promptly KO’d him when they re-matched five months later) and dominated multiple weight classes on his way to being considered, at times, the world’s best boxer, pound for pound. But since 2004 Jones has gone 7-7, with four of those losses being ugly knockouts or TKO’s.
If it wasn’t already crystal clear that former pound for pound boxing great Roy Jones Jr.’s near twenty-five year career had gone on for far too long, Thursday it was announced that he will fight Kevin ‘Kimbo Slice’ Ferguson in Jamaica in December. This fight that no one asked for and that no self-respecting athletic commission would sanction is apparently being made possible by something called Giomax Entertainment Company and Stewart’s Auto Sales.
Yup.
Jones went the first fourteen years or so of his professional boxing career without a real loss (He was disqualified for hitting Montell Griffin while he was down in 1997 and promptly KO’d him when they re-matched five months later) and dominated multiple weight classes on his way to being considered, at times, the world’s best boxer, pound for pound. But since 2004 Jones has gone 7-7, with four of those losses being ugly knockouts or TKO’s.
And so, it has come to this for Jones Jr. Fighting Slice, who is best known for fighting boxing schlubs in South Florida and having those sloppy competitions posted on YouTube, will be a career-low for Jones.
Sure, Kimbo moved past dock boxing to, first, getting propped (EliteXC) and then easily over matched (UFC) up in MMA, and since moving to professional boxing recently he’s built a 5-0 record. We can’t begrudge Slice his financial success and for taking his fame and running with it but Jones has over sixty professional boxing matches, before that was an Olympian (Do yourself a favor and see him dominate the ’88 Olympics and then get screwed out of the gold medal, if you haven’t already).
Jones Jr. vs. Kimbo is a textbook example of the worst part of the fight world – businessmen trying to make a quick buck with sad and silly match ups that exploit fighters and put them at risk. We really have no interest in promoting this bout anymore than we just have so if you want details of when this piece of garbage is supposed to happen, and where, check out the doting article written by The Jamaican Observer.
(Personally, I think this is a reasonable reaction.)
We don’t mean to judge a book by it’s cover, but when that cover is a 327 lb man who goes by the name Tater Williams, it’s safe to say that he will more than likely end up on the wrong side of a knockout. Scratch that, a 327 lb dude named Tater Williams should most certainly end up on the RIGHT side of a knockout if anything. His name is freaking TATER FREAKING WILLIAMS, and he uses catchphrases like “Five of these across the sneeze,” and “You’re gonna get that about 147 times” in between asthmatic gasps for air. “That” being the aforementioned sneeze punches. Throw in the fact that Tater is apparently “a really great athlete” who has studied judo, wrestling, sambo, and had a high school wrestling record of 226-12* and Tater is not only looking like a well-rounded Goliath, but a man who could decimate Junior Dos Santos, Cain Velasquez, and Alistair Overeem without batting an eye. At the same time. While in a diabetic coma.
Sadly, things do go quite according to plan (have they ever, really?) in the next chapter of the XARM saga, a sport so hilariously misguided that it really makes you yearn for the subtle nuances of wheelchair MMA. In today’s contest, Tater finds himself matched up against the slightly slimmer Bond Laupua (I swear to God I am not making these names up), who is quick to admit that “I don’t really have a strategy” heading into the fight. The announcers inform us that Tater’s gameplan was to gain weight. HOW DID HE LOSE THIS.
Join us after the jump to see two bears wrestle over a jar of honey until one falls down.
(Personally, I think this is a reasonable reaction.)
We don’t mean to judge a book by it’s cover, but when that cover is a 327 lb man who goes by the name Tater Williams, it’s safe to say that he will more than likely end up on the wrong side of a knockout. Scratch that, a 327 lb dude named Tater Williams should most certainly end up on the RIGHT side of a knockout if anything. His name is freaking TATER FREAKING WILLIAMS, and he uses catchphrases like “Five of these across the sneeze,” and “You’re gonna get that about 147 times” in between asthmatic gasps for air. “That” being the aforementioned sneeze punches. Throw in the fact that Tater is apparently “a really great athlete” who has studied judo, wrestling, sambo, and had a high school wrestling record of 226-12* and Tater is not only looking like a well-rounded Goliath, but a man who could decimate Junior Dos Santos, Cain Velasquez, and Alistair Overeem without batting an eye. At the same time. While in a diabetic coma.
Sadly, things do go quite according to plan (have they ever, really?) in the next chapter of the XARM saga, a sport so hilariously misguided that it really makes you yearn for the subtle nuances of wheelchair MMA. In today’s contest, Tater finds himself matched up against the slightly slimmer Bond Laupua (I swear to God I am not making these names up), who is quick to admit that “I don’t really have a strategy” heading into the fight. The announcers inform us that Tater’s gameplan was to gain weight. HOW DID HE LOSE THIS.
See how below.
Well, at least it was quick.
Is it just us, or when Tater and Bond are “jogging for position” as one of the announcers put it (we think he meant jockeying), does it look like they both got their hand stuck in the same pickle jar and are desperately trying to get the last one at the bottom? And speaking of announcers, you just gotta love that when the knockout abruptly comes, the “color commentator” simply gives a delayed “Holy shit!” I guess the color he specializes in is brown, amiright guys?! *crickets*
But alas, a knee at the 1:30 mark forces Tater to go into Bob Sapp mode, except he can’t fall to the ground because his other arm is attached to that of his opponent’s. A few kicks to the face and that is all she wrote for the Tater, whose chicken pot pie will taste just a little bit worse tonight. Laupua followed through on his promise to knock Williams out on the feet and leave “300 pounds dangling” from the XARM table. Now go collect your trophy, which probably looks something like this, and let’s move on.
Come to think of it, we should try to get Sapp to convert to this freak show. His “striking” technique would fit in perfectly with the drunken baby style that XARM has nearly trademarked, he would get punched far less, and he could finally fight guys somewhere near his skill level. Or we could witness the first submission to strikes in XARM history. Either way, the audience clearly wins.
Now Goldstein, what do I have to do to get some CP shirts made with Tater fist-posing on the front and the phrase “Five of these across the sneeze” on the back? Seriously, I’ll give a week’s pay if I have to.
*I cannot confirm any of that, nor have I bothered to research it. His name is Tater, therefore he is telling the truth. Besides, his reputation clearly precedes him.
