Tag: WTF

Today in WTF?!!: Chris Weidman, Forrest Griffin Pimp Jewelry Stores and DUI Defense in Hilariously Awkward Commercials


(“OK Chris, for this scene, we’re going to need you to act as if you’re reading your lines directly from a cue card. Just look as uninterested as humanly possible and stare as far off-screen as you can. And Marivi, if you could just stare directly at the guy holding the boom mic-PERFECT.”)

It really is difficult to believe anything you see or read on April Fool’s day. Just this morning, a friend of mine who happens to be a traveling musician posted that his band had booked a gig as John Mayer’s opening act for his upcoming Australian tour. After congratulating him on his tremendous accomplishment, I quickly learned that the whole thing was a ploy perpetuated for Facebook likes. Needless to say, he is now dead to me.

Needless to say, I was equally skeptical when videos of Chris Weidman and Forrest Griffin pimping a jewelry store and a DUI defense lawyer, respectively, appeared in my inbox this afternoon. But upon further research (dialing both phone numbers and laughing hysterically until the receptionists hung up), I have determined that what you are about to see are in fact legitimate ads featuring the current middleweight and former light heavyweight champion, which is easily more hilarious than any April Fool’s day joke you will be privy to today or possibly ever.

After the jump you will find videos of both ads, as well as our in-depth analysis of both fighters performances, complete with screengrabs.


(“OK Chris, for this scene, we’re going to need you to act as if you’re reading your lines directly from a cue card. Just look as uninterested as humanly possible and stare as far off-screen as you can. And Marivi, if you could just stare directly at the guy holding the boom mic-PERFECT.”)

It really is difficult to believe anything you see or read on April Fool’s day. Just this morning, a friend of mine who happens to be a traveling musician posted that his band had booked a gig as John Mayer’s opening act for his upcoming Australian tour. After congratulating him on his tremendous accomplishment, I quickly learned that the whole thing was a ploy perpetuated for Facebook likes. Needless to say, he is now dead to me.

Needless to say, I was equally skeptical when videos of Chris Weidman and Forrest Griffin pimping a jewelry store and a DUI defense lawyer, respectively, appeared in my inbox this afternoon. But upon further research (dialing both phone numbers and laughing hysterically until the receptionists hung up), I have determined that what you are about to see are in fact legitimate ads featuring the current middleweight and former light heavyweight champion, which is easily more hilarious than any April Fool’s day joke you will be privy to today or possibly ever.

After the jump you will find videos of both ads, as well as our in-depth analysis of both fighters performances, complete with screengrabs.

“The Jewelry Gallery of Oyster Bay” – Chris Weidman

Also featuring UFC lightweight, TUF 15 alum and fellow Long Islander Al Iaquinta, we must give the creative minds behind a jewelry store in Nassau County, NY credit for having the balls to commit to this atrocious ad, and more specifically, the play on words between an MMA “ring” (not what it’s called) and a wedding “ring.” Seriously, I would be applauding them if I hadn’t just severed both my hands in the feat that they may one day write something so hamfisted.

Did the people who created this ad even understand that UFC fighters compete in an octagon? Or that choosing an (albeit local) MMA fighter as the spokesperson for a jewelry store in a town where the average income is nearly $100,000 might not make a whole lot of sense? Where is the turnover between Affliction-wearing, Long Island dude-bro MMA fans and high-end jewelry clientele, exactly? So many questions.

One thing’s for sure: Like Randy Couture and Ronda Rousey before him, Chris Weidman is an MMA star destined for Hollywood. See for yourself:


GAHHHHACTING!!!!

And now, buckle up for this one…

“Top Gun DUI Defense Attorney Myles L. Berman” – Forrest Griffin

If the purpose of Griffin’s appearance in this ad was to serve as an intimidating presence for the serious issue that is weaseling your way out of a drunk-driving offense, then it failed miserably. Not only does Griffin come off as a far more likeable and trustworthy guy than Berman, but he also loses all of his badass credibility the moment he tips his trucker hat like a cowboy cordially greeting a woman of the town proper.

And besides, if this Berman fellow really wanted to scare us into seeking his services, he more than accomplished that with his dead-eyed stare and “I’m totally not a robot disguised in a human skin suit” mannerisms. I mean, just look at those things:

Take it away, Dr. Loomis…

Final Tallies
Creativity: Weidman’s ad, sadly
Acting: Griffin all day
Intensity: NEED I SHOW YOU BERMAN’S EYES AGAIN?!

Winner: Griffin’s DUI ad by a hair. It may never reach the heights of Wanderlei Silva and Mark Coleman’s epic Schick ad, but it’s something.

–J. Jones

WTF? of the Day: Anderson Silva Files Police Report Against Female Fan Who Bashed Him on Twitter


(“ANYBODY SEEN EDNA?! ANYBODY KNOW WHY EDNA DID ANDY SILVO?!!”)

Anderson Silva has always been a bit of a strange dude. Call it “crazy like a champion” or whatever you want, but there’s no denying that the guy’s a little…batty. The Bieber fever. The lip-synching videos. Those Burger King commercials. The often insane and seemingly trollish things he tells the media. And don’t even get me started on the Steven Seagal nonsense.

Point is, ol’ Andy is prone to some bouts of irregularity (here’s him pretending to be Spiderman in a parking garage, for instance). Not that I can blame him; I’m already a phone call away from the looney bin and I have neither millions of dollars nor the ability to kill 99.9% of the people on this planet with my bare hands. And besides, Silva’s craziness is an x-factor that probably helped him come up with such consistently mind-blowing (more on this later) finishes over the years.

But this…this is the kind of shit that makes me think Anderson just a case of energy drinks away from going on a vehicular rampage across Brazil, if you know what I am saying (via MMAFighting):

Silva has filed a police report against a woman in Brazil for defamation.

According to the chief of police department in Pinhais, Marcelo Magalhaes, the UFC star felt offended when a woman called him “rotten” on Twitter.

“We’re still investigating to get her name, address and phone,” Magalhaes told Globo. “It’s a 40-year-old woman who wrote on the internet, in a social media, several phrases, including ‘Brazil will see the idol and rotten that you are’ [Ed. Note: ‘shitty idol’ was also used].”

The process is expected to go to court next. The penalty for this type of crime in Brazil is up to six months in jail, or a fine.


(“ANYBODY SEEN EDNA?! ANYBODY KNOW WHY EDNA DID ANDY SILVO?!!”)

Anderson Silva has always been a bit of a strange dude. Call it “crazy like a champion” or whatever you want, but there’s no denying that the guy’s a little…batty. The Bieber fever. The lip-synching videos. Those Burger King commercials. The often insane and seemingly trollish things he tells the media. And don’t even get me started on the Steven Seagal nonsense.

Point is, ol’ Andy is prone to some bouts of irregularity (here’s him pretending to be Spiderman in a parking garage, for instance). Not that I can blame him; I’m already a phone call away from the looney bin and I have neither millions of dollars nor the ability to kill 99.9% of the people on this planet with my bare hands. And besides, Silva’s craziness is an x-factor that probably helped him come up with such consistently mind-blowing (more on this later) finishes over the years.

But this…this is the kind of shit that makes me think Anderson just a case of energy drinks away from going on a vehicular rampage across Brazil, if you know what I am saying (via MMAFighting):

Silva has filed a police report against a woman in Brazil for defamation.

According to the chief of police department in Pinhais, Marcelo Magalhaes, the UFC star felt offended when a woman called him “rotten” on Twitter.

“We’re still investigating to get her name, address and phone,” Magalhaes told Globo. “It’s a 40-year-old woman who wrote on the internet, in a social media, several phrases, including ‘Brazil will see the idol and rotten that you are’ [Ed. Note: ‘shitty idol’ was also used].”

The process is expected to go to court next. The penalty for this type of crime in Brazil is up to six months in jail, or a fine.

To be a fly on the wall at this court appearan-SIX MONTHS IN JAIL?!! For saying something mean on the internet?!


It’s good to see you again, old friend.

This is typically the point in the article where I attempt tone things down and analyze the situation (ie. form a coherent thought), but are you fucking kidding me? It would be like criticizing Chicken Run for taking too many liberties with the ingenuitive abilities of the common fowl. Brazil be crazy/thread.

–J. Jones

Diego Brandao Admits He Threatened to Stab Dustin Poirier, Who Was “Scared” and “Lucky” at UFC 168


(“Yeah, I’d like to see you do that three more ti-THWOMP!” Photo via Getty.)

It’s such a shame that TUF 14 winner Diego Brandao is going to be forced into retirement at just 26 years of age on account of his mental illness. What’s that? You hadn’t heard that Diego Brandao is suffering from a multitude of mental illnesses? Well maybe you should check out his recent interview with MMAFighting, in which he not only confirms that he threatened to “stab Dustin Poirier with a pen” (you hear a little girl, Ace?) backstage at the UFC 168 weigh-ins, but believes that Poirier was “scared” and “got lucky” in their fight the following night:

He was there, bouncing at the weigh-ins, staring at me. I told him backstage ‘if you ever do that again, I’ll stab you with a pen.’ That’s what happened.

Every time he saw me at the hotel he kept staring at me, and I responded asked what was the problem, if he looking like that because he was hungry or what. When he got inside the cage I saw he was scared. He got lucky (to win).

“Quite honestly,” Brandao added, “I’ve never seen a fighter get lucky so many times in a 30-second period. You’d think that at least some of the punches he threw at me would have missed, but nooooooo.”

I’m kidding, of course. There’s no way that Brandao has ever started a sentence with “quite honestly.”


(“Yeah, I’d like to see you do that three more ti-THWOMP!” Photo via Getty.)

It’s such a shame that TUF 14 winner Diego Brandao is going to be forced into retirement at just 26 years of age on account of his mental illness. What’s that? You hadn’t heard that Diego Brandao is suffering from a multitude of mental illnesses? Well maybe you should check out his recent interview with MMAFighting, in which he not only confirms that he threatened to “stab Dustin Poirier with a pen” (you hear a little girl, Ace?) backstage at the UFC 168 weigh-ins, but believes that Poirier was “scared” and “got lucky” in their fight the following night:

He was there, bouncing at the weigh-ins, staring at me. I told him backstage ‘if you ever do that again, I’ll stab you with a pen.’ That’s what happened.

Every time he saw me at the hotel he kept staring at me, and I responded asked what was the problem, if he looking like that because he was hungry or what. When he got inside the cage I saw he was scared. He got lucky (to win).

“Quite honestly,” Brandao added, “I’ve never seen a fighter get lucky so many times in a 30-second period. You’d think that at least some of the punches he threw at me would have missed, but nooooooo.”

I’m kidding, of course. There’s no way that Brandao has ever started a sentence with “quite honestly.” But I do find it funny that Brandao would attribute Poirier’s pre-fight ‘tude to hunger, when Brandao himself was clearly the angrier and fatter of the two.

Of course, there’s a chance that Brandao isn’t full-on Bynesing here. He could simply be suffering the aftereffects of not only his KO loss at UFC 168, but the car accident he was allegedly involved in just two weeks before the fight:

A drunk man hit my car, and I ended up crashing in another car. I had to go to my lawyer. (The other driver) didn’t want to pay the costs to fix my car. I did my best, I was a warrior just to step inside that cage. Any other fighter would just run away, but I needed that.

I couldn’t run, I couldn’t cut weight to fight. I had injuries in my back and ribs, but I went there and fought. I don’t think I trained more than five times for this fight and I knocked him down twice in the first round.

Something tells me that Brandao has to “go to his lawyer” a lot, with all the pen-stabbings he is probably involved in and all. If he takes offense to a guy he’s about to fight staring at him for too long, Lord knows how he treats some bum who eyeballs his girlfriend at the gas station.

–J. Jones

‘WTF?’ Video of the Day: Musangwe Fighter Gets KO’d, Is Given Furious Handjob CPR

(Props: Musangwe. Kinda NSFW)

“In Musangwe it is believed that stimulating the male sexual organs after a knockout increases their chances of surviving.”

This bit of folksy medical wisdom comes from the video description of “MUSANGWE KNOCKOUT- MOST DARING CPR!“, which just came to our attention this morning even though it’s been floating around for few days. (Apologies if you’ve already seen it; we were pretty much off the grid over New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day. So…2014, eh? How ’bout that.)

As Gawker explains, Musangwe “is a form of bare-knuckle fist fighting traditionally practiced by the Venda people of South Africa.” And apparently, the rough, frantic handjob that the knockout-victim receives in the video isn’t punishment for losing — they’re trying to save his life. Still, once you add in the water-bucket it starts to look like an especially brutal fraternity hazing. I don’t know, man. There’s got to be an easier way.

My theory: At a certain point, that dude was just pretending to be asleep.


(Props: Musangwe. Kinda NSFW)

“In Musangwe it is believed that stimulating the male sexual organs after a knockout increases their chances of surviving.”

This bit of folksy medical wisdom comes from the video description of “MUSANGWE KNOCKOUT- MOST DARING CPR!“, which just came to our attention this morning even though it’s been floating around for few days. (Apologies if you’ve already seen it; we were pretty much off the grid over New Year’s Eve/New Year’s Day. So…2014, eh? How ’bout that.)

As Gawker explains, Musangwe “is a form of bare-knuckle fist fighting traditionally practiced by the Venda people of South Africa.” And apparently, the rough, frantic handjob that the knockout-victim receives in the video isn’t punishment for losing — they’re trying to save his life. Still, once you add in the water-bucket it starts to look like an especially brutal fraternity hazing. I don’t know, man. There’s got to be an easier way.

My theory: At a certain point, that dude was just pretending to be asleep.

Terrible, Stupid, Just Awful Idea of the Day: A Man vs. Woman Fight is Going Down at Shooto Brazil 45 This Weekend [UPDATED]

God damn it, you guys. God. Damn. It.

Maybe it’s just me, but everytime it seems like this thing we call MMA is finally on the right track towards honest-to-God legitimacy, Jose Canseco shows up, or the UFC signs a yoga instructor(‘s death warrant), or some shit like this happens and we’re back to square one.

Begin the SMH’ing, because some Brazilian website is reporting that Shooto, one of Brazil’s longest and (formerly) most prestigious MMA organizations, is planning a man vs. woman fight at this weekend’s Shooto Brazil 45. Specifically, Nova Uniao product Emerson Falcao vs. Team Nogueira’s Juliana Velasquez. Who will be making her professional debut. 

I…I just can’t anymore, you guys. Wiping my hands of this whole thing.

And who came up with this fucking ree-dick-you-lus idea, you ask? Oh, just Andre Pederneiras, the legendary Uniao founder/trainer who has seemed like a relatively intelligent individual up until this point. Maybe he knows something we don’t. In any case, here’s the scoop, as Velasquez told MMAFighting:

God damn it, you guys. God. Damn. It.

Maybe it’s just me, but everytime it seems like this thing we call MMA is finally on the right track towards honest-to-God legitimacy, Jose Canseco shows up, or the UFC signs a yoga instructor(‘s death warrant), or some shit like this happens and we’re back to square one.

Begin the SMH’ing, because some Brazilian website is reporting that Shooto, one of Brazil’s longest and (formerly) most prestigious MMA organizations, is planning a man vs. woman fight at this weekend’s Shooto Brazil 45. Specifically, Nova Uniao product Emerson Falcao vs. Team Nogueira’s Juliana Velasquez. Who will be making her professional debut. 

I…I just can’t anymore, you guys. Wiping my hands of this whole thing.

And who came up with this fucking ree-dick-you-lus idea, you ask? Oh, just Andre Pederneiras, the legendary Uniao founder/trainer who has seemed like a relatively intelligent individual up until this point. Maybe he knows something we don’t. In any case, here’s the scoop, as Velasquez told MMAFighting:

Andre Pederneiras came up with the idea. He asked Team Nogueira for a female fighter and my team believes I’m ready, so I accepted the challenge. My expectations are the best. I’m well trained to get there and win.

I’m used to training with man every day. I’m a professional judoka and I know the adrenaline of the competition, I know how to handle this.

Look, it’s not like a woman can’t beat a man in an MMA fight. Ediane Gomes did it. Cyborg Santos probably does it on weekends for kicks. But there’s just something about this whole idea that seems so…

[UPDATE]

(via MMAFighting) Thank the heavens, this thing might not actually be happening:

Osiris Maia, member of the Brazilian Mixed Martial Arts Confederation, the entity responsible for regulating the Shooto Brazil events, is not sure if they will allow the male vs. female fight to happen.

“There’s nothing in the rules that specific prohibits a man to fight a woman, but when you interpret the rules you know that both athletes must be in the same level, so there’s no way a man should be allowed to fight a woman,” Maia told MMAFighting.com.

“We haven’t received the official card yet from the promotion, we’ll get that (on Thursday) at the weigh-ins,” he continued. “I wasn’t informed about that yet. They announced it to the media only, but if you ask me if we’re allowing it to happen, I don’t think so. I think it’s a disparity. We’ll see what’s going on tomorrow at the weigh-ins.”

Well, it’s good to know that there’s at least one sane individual in all of Brazil who will at least wait until the weigh-ins to call this sham off. The little victories, Nation. The little victories.

We will have more on this story travesty as details are made available.

–J. Jones

‘TUF: China’ Cast Includes 0-0 Yoga Instructor Who Doesn’t Know How to Fight


(The soon-to-be-forgotten and/or fired TUF China cast. Photo via the Global Times.)

That The Ultimate Fighter: China features the powerhouse *coaching* duo of Tiequan Zhang (currently riding a 3-fight losing streak with his sole UFC win coming over Jason Reinhardt) and Hailin Ao (retired) should say more about the talent level of its contestants than we ever could, but you guys have got to read this.

The premiere episode of TUF: China transpired last Saturday. While most of us here in the states failed to take notice of this, f4wonline‘s Mark Harris recently published a recap of the episode and offered some insight. You should check out the entire summary here, but the following paragraphs truly emphasize how fucked this season is going to be (emphasis mine):

The fighters on this season are a mixed bag of promising talent and hapless newbies…The quirkiest character this season is Li Jin Ying (0-0, welterweight), who admitted to having no MMA experience before sparring in front of the cameras. His appearance on the show is so bizarre I have to wonder if he’s only on to illustrate to viewers the level of training and experience that’s needed to succeed in MMA.

Li is a spiritualist yoga instructor “eager to be Asia’s biggest MMA star”. Yes, a yoga instructor. He has a photogenic face, the kind of face UFC would probably want to put on advertisements in China, but he apparently has no MMA experience and describes himself as shy.

I never dreamed that there would come a day when TUF and American Idol adopted the same criteria for selecting contestants. I was wrong.


(The soon-to-be-forgotten and/or fired TUF China cast. Photo via the Global Times.)

That The Ultimate Fighter: China features the powerhouse *coaching* duo of Tiequan Zhang (currently riding a 3-fight losing streak with his sole UFC win coming over Jason Reinhardt) and Hailin Ao (retired) should say more about the talent level of its contestants than we ever could, but you guys have got to read this.

The premiere episode of TUF: China transpired last Saturday. While most of us here in the states failed to take notice of this, f4wonline‘s Mark Harris recently published a recap of the episode and offered some insight. You should check out the entire summary here, but the following paragraphs truly emphasize how fucked this season is going to be (emphasis mine):

The fighters on this season are a mixed bag of promising talent and hapless newbies…The quirkiest character this season is Li Jin Ying (0-0, welterweight), who admitted to having no MMA experience before sparring in front of the cameras. His appearance on the show is so bizarre I have to wonder if he’s only on to illustrate to viewers the level of training and experience that’s needed to succeed in MMA.

Li is a spiritualist yoga instructor “eager to be Asia’s biggest MMA star”. Yes, a yoga instructor. He has a photogenic face, the kind of face UFC would probably want to put on advertisements in China, but he apparently has no MMA experience and describes himself as shy.

I never dreamed that there would come a day when TUF and American Idol adopted the same criteria for selecting contestants. I was wrong. “Oh, Li’s never fought before, but he’s cute *and* shy!! QUICK, TELL STACY AND MINDY TO TEXT IN THEIR VOTES FOR LI OR WE’LL DE-FRIEND THEM ON FACEBOOK!”

Here’s an idea: If the talent level of the region you are trying to promote your television show in is so depleted that you have to start bringing in “fighters” who have never fought before, maybe focus on another area. Better yet, maybe just hold off on the goddamn reality show altogether and focus on finding higher quality fighters for the original incarnation of the show here in America. Aside from the finalists, not one of TUF 18′s male contestants were given a second shot in the UFC. Not one. Yet they think a 0-0 yoga instructor stands a chance of competing in the world’s premier MMA organization with a couple month’s sprawl training under the tutelage of a guy who would have already been fired if not for the the promotion’s racially transparent marketing gimmicks?

Is anyone aware that you can be seriously injured or killed in this sport? Or that throwing a “hapless newbie” into the lion’s den because he meets the correct ethnic standards is, you know, sadistic and insane?! Is it too much to ask that “has sparred before” should be included on the checklist of potential TUF contestants?!! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS HAPPENING TO YOU, UFC?!!!!!

I originally thought comparing the UFC to the Super Fight League was a bit harsh on the former, but now it’s become clear that the comparison is only insulting to the latter. Say what you want about the SFL, but at least their fighters have hit pads before.

Before I go, I would like to tell everyone who objected to my article on “The Death of UFC-Caliber Fighters” to kindly eat a dick. PEACE!!

–J. Jones