Bruce Buffer: “It’s time!”
For the undisputed MMA Champion of Smack Talk to hold court.
“I want an easy fight. Anderson Silva, Wanderlei Silva, either of the Silvas, ‘Bigfoot’ Silva. They all suck. Gimme a Silva,” Chael Sonnen said.
Sonnen, the soi-disant “American Gangster,” is without a doubt the undisputed king of MMA trash talk. The only persons who could beat the controversial mouthpiece that is Sonnen—sadly or gladly to say—do not reside in MMA or the UFC. Their home base is the WWE.
Sonnen is a rhetorician, pure and simple. He’s eloquent, he’s charismatic, he exudes confidence and he’s not afraid to tell the world what he thinks and feels.
Sometimes I wonder why he still competes in the world of mix martial arts. Sonnen could easily garner a seat in the House of Representatives, no problem whatsoever.
Oh! Wait. Given his well-documented mortgage fraud felony and his blatant use of the banned substance PED, I think not.
But Sonnen could definitely put his oral skills to good use by, for example, being an employed spokesperson for the UFC.
The bottom line is this: Sonnen is skilled at what he does, and I’m not talking about his Octagon skills. He can sell a fight without breaking sweat. This guy is so good he promotes and sells fights he’s not even partaking in.
Panegyrics and obloquy often go hand in hand.
Sonnen, regardless of his beneficent attributes, is also disparaging, vitriolic, abrasive and impudent. Some would say he’s crossed the line many a few times, to say the least, at the expense of certain fighters.
And this has become evident in his incessant tirade towards Brazil, the Nogueira brothers, Wanderlei Silva, Lyoto Machida and particularly Anderson Silva. It sometimes seems un-felicitous, but that’s Mr. Sonnen for you.
Somehow I don’t think Sonnen has come face to face with any of the aforementioned fighters outside of the UFC. If he had, I’m sure there’d have been a news headline reading: “Chael Sonnen: Brutally Beaten to a Pulp,” or something to that effect.
Here are some of Chael Sonnen’s most memorable quotes:
“Greetings from Sao Paulo! I’m learning the language: breakdancing in the Special Olympics is called Capoiera and cocaine is called brunch.”
“Machida is not a bad guy; he’s a victim of the Brazilian education system. There are better ways to get electrolytes than drinking piss.”
“Brazil likes to boast that it’s the power seat of MMA, yet it’s so-called champions bow to the man behind ‘Under Siege 2.’…….. Classy.”
“Okami is ready to go get that belt. Once he returns from Rio, we can truly say ‘he went to hell and back’ to get it.”
“Listen Wanderlei, I will do a home invasion on you. I will cut the power to your house. The next thing you’ll hear is me climbing up your stairs in a pair of night vision goggles I bought in the back of a soldier fortune magazine. I’ll pick the lock to the master door *Chh-chh* take a picture of you in bed with the Nogueira brothers, working on your ‘Jiu-Jitsu.’ I’ll take said photo and post it to www-dot-dorksfrombrazil-dot-com. Password not required. Username not required. That Wanderlei is how you threaten somebody. Dummy.”
“Black House needs to stand trial in America for crimes against integrity. I have placed Black House under citizen’s arrest per my right of the Constitution of the United States of America, Article 36, trial waived, sentence passed down – no less than 15 minutes locked in the slammer with yours truly, America’s favourite gangster, Chael P. Sonnen.”
“[Anderson Silva’s] got a black belt under the Nogueira’s. I think a black belt under the Nogueira’s is saying, like, I got a free toy in my Happy Meal. I don’t really understand what the big deal is. One of ’em’s a punching bag, and the other one I just ignore; he’s really irrelevant.”
“I could write a dissertation on this experience: ‘The Tragic Interplay of Delusion, Insecurity, and Incompetence: the Nog Brothers’ Story.’”
“Machida is a gentleman. MMA is very cutthroat, and it’s sweet that Lyoto promised to never fight his girlfriend Anderson. That’s devotion.”
“This is a one-sided dance. I saved Anderson’s job. Uncle Dana was going to give him his walking papers, and I begged him, ‘Keep him around. Keep him around for one more fight. I will retire this guy.”
“I’d beat up Machida on the way to the ring to beat up Anderson, and I’ll kick Nogueria’s ass in the parking lot on the way to my after party.”
“I’m a partner of the UFC and Anderson’s an employee. There’s a big difference. That’s why all the questions keep coming to me, because I give a coherent and clear answer that somebody wants to hear and he sits on a speakerphone on a car somewhere and says yes and no.”
“I can drag Anderson Silva out of a hotel and beat up him anytime I want. I’ve made a commitment to wait until August 7th and I’m going to do everything I can to make sure millions of people watch me do it.”
“In what parallel universe can you punch a man 300 times, he wraps his legs around your head for eight seconds and they declare him the winner?!”
“On the streets of West Linn, Oregon, if you lay on your back with your legs wrapped around a man’s head for eight seconds, that does not make you a winner. That makes … not a winner.”
Love or hate him, eulogize or vilify him, Chael Sonnen is to MMA/UFC what the Rock used to be and what CM Punk is now to the WWE.
He sells tickets, he puts bums on seats and he pushes that PPV higher each time he opens his mouth.
Read more MMA news on BleacherReport.com