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Judgment Day: 7 MMA Fighters Who Will Benefit From the End of the World

(Bendo: Prepared for takeoff.)

According to some misguided crazy people, the world is going to end tomorrow. Apparently, May 21st, 2011 is the scheduled date of the Rapture, in which Christians will be shuttled off into the air to meet Christ, while the sinners will be left behind, leading to Armageddon or something. (For more information, consult this Kirk Cameron movie). If the rumors are true, we’re all pretty much fucked. Still, there’s a few MMA fighters who will be getting the sweet end of the deal. For instance…

BEN HENDERSON
The lightweight standout is one of the more vocal supporters of his Lord and Savior in the cage, shouting out Philippians 4:13 after every win. He makes his fight entrances to gospel music, and has never touched alcohol. Whatever bad stuff goes down tomorrow, he won’t be around for it. He’ll be in mid-air, doing that pyramid thing with his hands.

CHAEL SONNEN

Stripped of his real estate and fighting licenses, Sonnen was just sentenced to a year of roaming the earth with no income, trying to “promote goodwill” and show that he’s rehabilitated. A swift, violent end would probably be an upgrade at this point.

(Bendo: Prepared for takeoff.)

RICHARD HALE AND CHRISTIAN M’PUMBU

For what it’s worth, tomorrow’s Bellator 45 light-heavyweight tournament headliner in Lake Charles, Louisiana, will be the last televised MMA match of the day in this country. If God can hold off the rapture until the end of the night, Hale vs. M’Pumbu could very well be the last televised MMA match ever. That’s pretty damn historic. Not that we’ll care much about history in the post-rapture chaos, but still.

VITOR BELFORT

Famously, Vitor Belfort is the guy who expect Jesus, bro, every day. How psyched is he going to be when Jesus actually shows up on a random Saturday? All the hardships he’s suffered in his life were only tests from God. Now that he’s proven his devotion, he’ll be one of the first to be lifted off his feet, while Stankie stands there earthbound and furious, cursing his fancy ass.

JASON MILLER

Mayhem’s a “devout atheist” who once told a Mormon interviewer, “after my victory, I would like to thank science.” I can see him and Joe Rogan holed up in a bunker following the rapture, splitting a bottle of wine and discussing the mysteries of the universe. It’ll suck to have their cynical anti-beliefs proven wrong so dramatically, but for one sweet moment, they won’t be surrounded by so many assholes.

TIKI GHOSN

…because if you’re gonna go, go out on top.

Wait, What?: Matt Lindland Is Fighting Tomorrow in Poland, I Guess

(“Hey man, look on the bright side — if you had won, it would have ruined my parlay bet.”)

Talk about flying under the radar. Not sure how this slipped past us until just now, but apparently MMA veteran Matt Lindland will be facing Mamed Khalidov in the co-main event of KSW 16, tomorrow in Gdansk, Poland. (Remember when it was mentioned at Chael Sonnen’s appeals hearing that Lindland couldn’t be at the proceedings because he was in Poland? Yeah, that’s why.)

Lindland, who has suffered first-round stoppage losses in three of his last four fights, is coming off a brain-melting knockout loss to Robbie Lawler last December. Khalidov is on a two-fight win streak, and is returning to action after his quick, predictable submission of James Irvin at KSW’s last event in March.

KSW’s main event will be a heavyweight wheeze-off between strongman-turned-fighter Mariusz Pudzianowski — who’s coming off his submission-via-punches win over Butterbean — and James Thompson, who has secured just one victory in his last ten fights. I appreciated this bit from Sherdog’s weigh-in report:

(“Hey man, look on the bright side — if you had won, it would have ruined my parlay bet.”)

Both fighters were in good spirits during the weigh-in. In a recent interview, Thompson called the Pole “an extremely ugly creature.” In response, Pudzianowski brought him a mirror so, as he put it, the Brit could realize his own ugliness. Thompson was to quick respond. “Mariusz invents his own jokes,” Thompson said. “You’re actually an attractive — but slightly retarded — man.”

Delightful! Speaking of which, the Nazi-tatted Toni Valtonnen will also be on the card. The Finnish hate-machine will be looking for his fourth-straight win against Jan Blachowicz

Business as Usual: Cris Cyborg, World Champion, Still Can’t Get a Damn Fight

(Weird. The “cover your ears and rock back and forth while humming to yourself” defense worked so well in training.)

Inactive and without a fight booked since her squashing of Jan Finney last June, 145-pound Strikeforce women’s champion Cristiane “Cris Cyborg” Santos is desperate to return to competition — so desperate that she had reportedly been negotiating for gigs with the WWE and a Brazilian fight promotion in recent months. Now she’s moved onto the public-pleading stage of her frustration. Here’s what she had to say yesterday via Twitter:

Hi My dear fans, want to fight too soon, but not dependent on me. This very difficult to renegotiate with scott. They’re not appreciating all I did for the event. I am very sad, but I will not give up. God has another purpose in my life…Maybe I fight the world jiujtsu not going to be the way you like with many punches…but I will give my best to make you guys like it.

Alright, Cris, here’s the deal…

(Weird. The “cover your ears and rock back and forth while humming to yourself” defense worked so well in training.)

Alright, Cris, here’s the deal…

First off, Scott Coker has an acute case of senioritis at this point. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate you, it’s that he’s completely checked out of the job. Even in the pre-buyout era, the amount of power that Coker actually wielded to get things done was debatable. But right now? By all accounts, the UFC is running the show while Scott Coker sits alone in an office in San Jose, doing absolutely jack-shit. (And we’re not knocking jack-shit. It’s nice work if you can get it.)

The thing is, women’s MMA is simply not a priority for the people who currently run Strikeforce. There’s a good chance it never will be. But even in a perfect world for Cyborg — if Coker was calling the shots in some capacity, and wanted to book a fight for her — there’s still no logical opponent for the champ, and booking Santos in another squash match isn’t worth much from a business perspective.

A small part of the blame for that can be put on Strikeforce for not putting more effort into finding and building up contenders at 145. The larger reality might be that the ideal candidate doesn’t exist. A true 145′er with a good record and a recognizable name who’s as dangerous as Cyborg? (Or at least fairly credible and good-looking enough to put on a poster?) Gina Carano was the last fighter who fit that description. Erin Toughill was a good option as well, but her Strikeforce debut never materialized for one reason or another.

Cris Cyborg’s prime competitive years are wasting away and there’s absolutely nothing she can do about it, which is a tragedy. I hope that one day she’s looked back on as a pioneer of the sport. Unfortunately, she exists in a moment when there’s no logical place for a 145-pound female badass in MMA.

Correction: Chael Sonnen Won’t Be Able to Reapply for a License Until May 2012

(Sonnen illustration via celebbest.com)

Though it was originally reported that the indefinitely suspended Chael Sonnen would be able to re-apply for an MMA license after his current license expires on June 29th, California State Athletic Commission executive officer George Dodd contradicted that bit of information today, telling MMA Fighting that the soonest Sonnen can re-apply is May 2012:

“One of our rules, in our Title IV [of the California Code of Regulations], stipulates that you have to wait one year after an appeal of your suspension or revocation of license. And since he appealed this [on May 18, 2011], it’s one year from the day of denial.”

Wait, it gets worse:

(Sonnen illustration via celebbest.com)

Wait, it gets worse:

“[Sonnen] is going to have to show that he’s done something to promote the sport, promote goodwill,” Dodd said. “He does a lot of good things already. He talks to kids and stuff like that about making right decisions. But he’s going to have to show that he’s making the right decisions as well. You can say it, but you have to make those decisions yourself.”

So basically, Uncle Chael is going to have to prove that he’s a good person? And rehabilitated? No wild lies or trash-talk for an entire year? Total nightmare. Theoretically, Sonnen could still compete outside of the U.S., in countries that lack athletic commissions — that is, if the UFC wants to continue doing business with him at all. But doing that means Sonnen would run the risk of getting blacklisted in the U.S. forever. On the other hand, Sonnen will need to find some way to support himself, especially now that he doesn’t have a realtor’s license either.

George Dodd also said that if Sonnen was re-licensed next year, he could still request a therapeutic use exemption for testosterone therapy, as long as he went through the proper channels:

“What would happen is he would…request it through the athletic commission. The commission would probably request that the medical advisory committee review it. The medical advisory committee would review it and then make a recommendation back to the commission whether or not to approve or disapprove.”

Serious question, for those of you who have knowledge about this sort of thing: Can a testosterone deficiency leave a person so weak that they can’t function normally in day to day life? Yesterday, Sonnen claimed he needed his bi-monthly TRT treatments for his “survival,” and his mom said that he wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning without them. Is that bullshit or not?

Reminder: Submit Your Trash Talkin’ Kids T-Shirt Designs by Monday!

(Props: David G. TTK logo blurred out for legal reasons. Although for this design it kind of fits.)

We’re about halfway through the submission period for our Trash Talkin’ Kids t-shirt design contest, which means it’s officially time to get off your asses and put together some entries for this thing. Please shoot your designs to [email protected] by next Monday, and we’ll open up the voting on Tuesday. Four more current front-runners are after the jump…

(Props: David G. TTK logo blurred out for legal reasons. Although for this design it kind of fits.)

(Props: Shawn G.)

(Props: David G., again)

(Props, above and below: Michael P.)

And here’s two more unofficial submissions from the UG:

(Props: RanierWolfcastle)

(Props: sideshowsteve666)

Ricco Rodriguez Assault Arrest Began With a Cab Fare Dispute, Ended With a Police Officer Being Shoved Into a Wall

New details have emerged in yesterday’s Ricco Rodriguez arrest story. From a KSAZ FOX 10 report published last night:

PHOENIX – Mixed martial arts fighter Ricco ‘Suave’ Rodriguez has been arrested after allegedly assaulting a taxi cab driver and resisting arrest.

According to Phoenix Police, the 33-year-old was arrested over the weekend after an incident with a cab driver in Ahwatukee, south of Phoenix.

Last Sunday, Rodriguez commissioned a cab driver to take him to a bar in Ahwatukee called the Garage.

When the cab fare came to $70, Rodriguez allegedly refused to give the driver more than $20. They got into an argument and the cab driver called 911.

New details have emerged in yesterday’s Ricco Rodriguez arrest story. From a KSAZ FOX 10 report published last night:

PHOENIX – Mixed martial arts fighter Ricco ‘Suave’ Rodriguez has been arrested after allegedly assaulting a taxi cab driver and resisting arrest.

According to Phoenix Police, the 33-year-old was arrested over the weekend after an incident with a cab driver in Ahwatukee, south of Phoenix.

Last Sunday, Rodriguez commissioned a cab driver to take him to a bar in Ahwatukee called the Garage.

When the cab fare came to $70, Rodriguez allegedly refused to give the driver more than $20. They got into an argument and the cab driver called 911.

Rodriguez grabbed the man and tossed him to the ground, according to police. When officers tried to take him into custody, he allegedly pushed one of them into a wall.

He’s a big guy — according to his jail booking information, Rodriguez is 6’2″ and 235 lbs.

Police say it took two Phoenix Police officers and an off-duty officer to get him under control.

“It’s our policy to handcuff behind — that did not occur. He was struggling with the officers, flailing his arms… one of the officers was pushed against the wall, and we believe at that point he sustained a minor injury or cut to his elbow,” says Sgt. Steve Martos.

Rodriguez is facing charges of assault and resisting arrest. He is a former Ultimate Fighting Championship heavyweight champion and currently competes in MMA.

Rodriguez also had a brief stint on VH1′s reality show Celebrity Rehab.

Rodriguez last competed at BAMMA 5 in February, winning a unanimous decision over TUF 10 vet James McSweeney after missing weight for the second time in a row. It was his 11th-consecutive victory.