Chael Sonnen signing with Bellator earlier this year was a big deal. Sure, he’s 39 years old. And, yeah, his last gasp of athletic relevance came more than three years ago when Jon Jones drubbed him in less than a round.
But once upon a time, Sonnen mattered. And when you’re competing with a Goliath such as the UFC, a has-been is better than nothing at all.
That’s the principle guiding Bellator’s attempt to stay alive in the unforgiving MMA space, and it all but demands Sonnen make his promotional debut against one of the other aging wonders spending his fighting dotage in the hinterlands on Spike TV.
Enter Tito Ortiz.
The former UFC light heavyweight champion, a Hall-of-Famer for his role in keeping the company alive when it struggled early in Dana White’s reign as the king of MMA, is honestly even further removed from his prime than Sonnen.
The last time the 41-year-old Oriz held UFC gold, current lightweight star Sage Northcutt was just seven. Ortiz lost six of seven in the UFC before skedaddling to Bellator, and his most notable appearance in the cage since leaving the world’s top promoter involved sharing time with a former friend in a gimp mask.
It’s not worth the effort to pretend this fight matters in the overall scheme of things. Ten years ago, these would have been two of the top fighters in the world. Today, it’s two old guys with names that Bellator hopes sound familiar to fringe fans looking for something to do on a Saturday night.
Its only hope to attract an increasingly cynical MMA fandom is to push promotional boundaries—and that’s going to require both men to be at their most charismatic and most eloquent. MMA fans have shown they are willing to accept past-their-prime legends and freak-show fights as long as they are entertaining.
Based on Sonnen and Ortiz’s first back-and-forth interview Friday night on Spike, Bellator is either in trouble or really on to something. To call this exchange a train wreck is an insult to derailments and disasters.
What follows is the complete transcript of their tete-a-tete, annotated throughout with analysis and my best guess about what each man was actually thinking.
Bellator Color Commentator Jimmy Smith: I’m in a very unsafe place right now, between Chael Sonnen and Tito Ortiz. I’m going to start with you, Chael. January 21st, the Forum in Los Angeles, big venue, big fighter. It doesn’t get a lot bigger as opponents than Tito Ortiz. Tell us about the fight, man.
What He Was Actually Thinking: If I say ‘big’ a lot, perhaps someone—anyone—will actually believe it. Hey, do you think they’ll notice that I’m cageside and both fighters are in two different studios?
Chael Sonnen: Well Mr. TV announcer, I think you got that right. January 21st. The Bad Boy versus the Bad Guy. It’s been 20 years in the waiting for the rematch. Tito’s car just got repossessed a week ago. Tito has a Rolls Royce. Now in fairness, that’s a beautiful car. I wouldn’t own one because I’m not that big of a prick. But it just got repossessed. Unfortunately, he couldn’t get this match before. I heard he tried to sell some suits to make due on the car, but nobody had a size 52 stupid.
What He Was Actually Thinking: Do you think anyone knows that we once wrestled when we were in college, back before kids who are actually starting college were born? Better move on to making fun of this poor sap spending all his money like a chump.
‘Nobody had a size 52 stupid?’ Damn it! Nobody needed a size 52 stupid. Just smile and go with it! No one will notice.
Smith: Tito, all I can ask is what your rebuttal is to that man?
What He Was Actually Thinking: Crap. Do you think Tito knows what ‘rebuttal’ means?
Tito Ortiz: Ah, go ahead and check my Instagram at TitoOrtiz1999, and that’ll answer that fool’s complete gas.
(Chael flexing, pointing to muscles)
All I hear is gas coming out of his ass. And it’s not his butt.
What He Was Actually Thinking: And. It’s. Not. His. Butt.
Nailed it!
Smith: Now, we’re coming up to the light heavyweight division, 205. That’s where you’ve spent your entire career, Tito. That’s where you’ve made your mark as a professional. Him coming up to face you at your weight class, what does that mean to you? How is that to your advantage?
What He Was Actually Thinking: If we emphasize the weight difference, even though both are roughly the same size and Chael has used plenty of PEDs in the past, maybe fans will believe this is a competitive fight.
Ortiz: Well, of course. You know, he’s been dominated by Hall of Famers, former world champions. And it’s going to happen again on January 21st. He’s picked the wrong guy. I’ve been waiting for this fight to happen. I’m happy that he’s going to come up to 205. Finally he has enough balls to step up and do it. Now he has enough balls to call me out. And on January 21st, Chael Sonnen’s going to feel what Tito Ortiz feels like. And you know what? It’s going to be painful.
What He Was Actually Thinking: He is going to feel what I feel like! I am owning this thing! But should I have mentioned the troops? People love the troops.
Smith: Chael, this is a fight—when you joined Bellator—the first fight everybody asked me about was ‘Is he going to fight Tito Ortiz?’ You say you don’t care what the fans think, but they’re getting a big, huge fight January 21st. A fight they all wanted. What are you going to show them?
What He Was Actually Thinking: We’ve only said the date four times so far. Better throw that in a few hundred more times. Everyone watching has either been hit in the head a lot or is super high and wondering why Cops isn’t on.
Sonnen: Listen, Tito Ortiz was the world champion when my father passed away. And I made him one final promise on his death bed. Hand to God, this is a true story. I said ‘Dad, I’m going to beat Tito Ortiz and I’m going to be the world champion.’
(Tito furiously shaking his head no).
It’s the one promise I never kept of mine. On January 21st, I’m going to make that right.
What He Was Actually Thinking: Did he really say I was going to feel what he feels like? Maybe he really did break his skull! Oh well—better hit that date again.
Smith: Tito, I’m going to end with you. This is in your backyard, Southern California. How do you welcome Chael Sonnen to it?
What He Was Actually Thinking: This may be terrible, but at least most people watching think I’m actually Joe Rogan.
Ortiz: Well, you know what? Actually, let me go ahead and find Chael Sonnen for you.
(Reaches down and pulls up a “Juicy Juice” box).
I think I’ve got him right about here. And on January 21st, Chael Sonnen (smashes juice box) is going to get smashed.
(Sonnen flexing his muscles and smirking)
As the way I do inside the cage. Kicking ass and taking names. And Chael Sonnen—you’re next.
What He Was Actually Thinking: Nailed it. As the way I do. The old juice-box gimmick gets them every time. God, I’m good. And this guy couldn’t even beat Seraldo Babalu!
Smith: Can’t wait to see it. January 21st at the Forum in Los Angeles, California.
What He Was Actually Thinking: Can’t wait to see it. January 21st at the Forum in Los Angeles, California.
So say we all, Jimmy Smith. So say we all. Bring on the train wreck. We’re ready to smile.
Jonathan Snowden covers combat sports for Bleacher Report.
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