(Is there anyway we could get the guy on the far right to…what’s the word I’m looking for…leave?)
Since the UFC has made its conversion to a major network, they’ve had their fair share of ups and downs. Their first event, though featuring a match that could headline any pay-per-view, was little more than an hour long infomercial for the sport, topped off by the shortest title fight this side of Andrei Arlovski’s flash knockout of Paul Buentello back at UFC 55. Their second event was forced to shuffle around its main card participants as a result of Mark Munoz’s grisly injury, resulting in two mediocre bouts and a tepid main event. And don’t even get us started on Jon Jones’ commentary.
However, not all is lost (unless we’re talking about last week’s TUF ratings. Bazinga!), for this Saturday’s card promises to deliver the kind of head-to-toe action that mainstream and hardcore audiences alike have been waiting for. It’s got a Diaz, a Miller, a cartoon character, and a mythical swamp beast on its main card alone, so what could possibly go wrong? But just in case the Zuffa brass are looking for a few extra pointers from a fan’s perspective, we’ve compiled the following list of five things that would surely elevate UFC on FOX 3 above that of its predecessors. Enjoy, and let us know what other improvements could be made to the UFC on FOX in the comments section.
5. Tito Ortiz Return to his Role as a Ringside Commentator
FOX is a network that prides itself on being the voice of the simple, common man. And there is perhaps no man simpler than that of Tito Ortiz. Let’s be real here; Ortiz’s night of commentary at Affliction: Day of Reckoning was easily the funniest Goddamn moment in the history of MMA, bar none. Brian Fantana could not muster one-tenth of its hilarity if he were to report on every Panda birth from here to Chongqing, and we should give “The People’s Champ” another go-around for comedic purposes only. Besides, when was the last time ringside commentary really blew your mind? We love Joe Rogan and all, but we’d be much more inclined to stick around after the fight if there was a possibility that the announcer in question would suffer an aneurysm whilst trying to determine his next word.
4. Alan Belcher Walk Out of the Octagon Unassisted
We know this one’s a long shot, but suffice it to say, we’d rather not have a fight on a major television network end with a man screaming in pain like dying rabbit as a result of his opponent’s incompetency, his own stubbornness, or a combination of the two. Though it may seem like the bookies have already written him off, we actually have a little more faith in “The Talent” than we originally let off. The guy’s a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu blackbelt with great hands to boot, so perhaps he’ll be able to stifle the limb mangling power of Rousimar Palhares. We’re just praying that we don’t have to see someone’s appendage torn from the rest of their body on live television (that’s right, I brought it back).
3. This.
(Props to RubberDucky for reminding us of how glorious a gif this truly is.)
Swap out Paulo Thiago with Johny Hendricks and you pretty much have it.
2. Also, Lots and Lots of These
The middle finger is basically the last bastion of American freedom, which would make the Diaz brothers its flag waving supporters. No network/fight promotion team supports the basic freedoms of Americans more than FOX and the UFC. The right to bear arms, the right to free speech, equal rights for women; the UFC and FOX have rallied behind the best of them, so why not support perhaps the most American gesture in the country’s history? Being a New Yorker, I am perhaps more versed in the art of the bird than most, and I can honestly tell you that when I am flipped off by some bitch and/or bastard in the car behind me for brake-checking his/her tailgating ass, I am filled with a sense of patriotism that is truly indescribable. If UFC fighters didn’t live in fear that their love for this country could cost them their jobs, we guarantee that this beautiful gesture would become a highlight of fight nights from this day forth. There aren’t many similarities between your average fighter and your average couch potato, but this could be one area where we could all share a common connection, if only for a couple of seconds at a time.
1. Pat Barry Break Out the Techno Viking
Pat Barry is a man of many faces. On one hand, he’s a guy who will decapitate you with a high kick in the blink of an eye. On the other, he’s a karaoke-singing goofball with a penchant for releasing funny videos on them Interwebs. In his last octagon appearance, Barry followed up a first round starching of Christian Morecraft with a tribute to “planking,” despite the fact that planking had already been long forgotten about and replaced by owling. So if Barry is looking to get real old school (re: 2007) with his Internet trendology, he should unleash his dead-on Techno Viking impression, as seen above. either during his entrance or immediately after KO’ing Lavar Johnson (granted he is able to). It would go viral faster than Diego Sanchez’s exorcism routine and be ten times as awesome to witness. If you’re still our friend, Pat, please make this happen. We are still buddies, right?
-J. Jones