(How about dropping to your knees and begging for a swift death? Would that work? / Photo via MMAFighting.com)
The matchup between UFC middleweight champion Anderson Silva and light-heavyweight non-champion Stephan Bonnar has been called everything from a “fun fight,” to a mother’s worst nightmare. Tonight at the HSBC Center in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, we’re going to find out what this weird freak show will actually look like. Our only prediction is that Griffin Bonnar‘s first image of his father will be a bruised and lumpy one.
Luckily, there are plenty of far-more-legitimate matches on the UFC 153 main card, including Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira vs. Dave Herman, Erick Silva vs. Jon Fitch, and Glover Teixiera vs. Fabio Maldonado. And as with previous shows in Brazil, the local fans will make sure that the show is just as entertaining outside of the cage.
Round-by-round results from the UFC 153 pay-per-view broadcast will be stacking up after the jump beginning at 10 p.m. ET / 7 p.m. PT, courtesy of CagePotato liveblogger-supreme Anthony Gannon. Refresh the page every few minutes for all the latest, and be sure to tell us how you feel in the comments section. Thanks for stopping by.
Sup, potato heads. Here we are for the third installment of Brazil vs. The World, and let’s be candid here, in MMA there are really only two countries that matter: Brazil and America, so “The World” is pretty much us. In the first two (UFC’s 134 and 142), Brazil not only came out victorious, but basically just bent us over and with utter malice, forcibly slid their uncut national schwanz in and out to the tune of 14 wins to only two defeats.
Brazil is a huge market for the UFC (e.g., they drew over 16,000 live for Wanderlei Silva vs Rich Franklin II, which was a suck ass card yet more than the 15,000 Vegas drew for Silva vs Sonnen II) and some of the unlubricated violation that took place at UFC’s 134 and 142 can be attributed to favorable match-making, but let that not diminish the fact that these dudes can whoop some ass, and this event seems poised to produce much the same result.
Yes, for years the Brazilians have been plotting an overthrow of America’s dominance over the sport. Currently they hold three of the UFC belts to America’s four (still considering GSP the true welterweight champion). Don’t think this shit don’t matter either. We’re talking about two of the world’s most fiercely nationalistic countries here.
We Americans like to think we’re the best at everything, even though all evidence points to a slow, steady decline that will likely produce long bread-lines and painful humility. Yet still, at the weigh-ins there were actually a few brave, yet suicidal fans in the arena doing the “USA, USA, USA” thing.
Brazil is an emerging country whose international flex is finally starting to catch up to its bloated self-image. And just about every Brazilian fighter comes into the cage wrapped in a green flag looking like the life sucking tree creatures from the Beast Master. It’s a largely unspoken rivalry, but I can assure you it matters to just about every participant on this card.
So, there’s more at stake here than simply wins and losses. There’s the conglomeration of future world dominion. With the traitorous assistance of Sensei Seagal, the Brazilians are a pubis hair away from forcing us to pronounce our R’s as H’s, and that’s when the shit is all over. Oh yeah, and you thought you were just watching some fuckin’ MMA tonight.
Speaking of, let’s get this started with the undercard action:
Chris Camozzi beat Luiz Cane by decision, 29-28 across the board. And we were informed after all this time that Cane is actually pronounced CAHNAY, not just Cane, so get that shit right. Regardless, after two losses in front of his countrymen, Cane may be forced into exile.
Cristiano Marcello beat Reza Madadi by split decision.
Sergio Moraes beat Renee Forte by rear naked choke at 3:10 of round three.
Diego Brandao beat Joey Gambino by unanimous decision, 30-27 across the board.
Gleison Tibau remains the most prolific undercard fighter on the UFC roster by beating Francisco Trinaldo by unanimous decision, 29-28 across the board.
Rony Jason beat down Sam Sicilia with hammer fists at 4:16 of round two.
Dana White and Joe Rogan desperately try to convince us that Silva vs Bonnar is a competitive fight so buy that shit.
Goldberg has the whitest bottom teeth ever, and Rogan’s shaved head is finally starting to look natural.
We kick off with Demain Maia vs Rick Story
While we’re on this fight, let’s discuss how awesome Rick Story’s nickname is. Look, not everyone has a name with the flow to come up with an awesome fucking moniker like Rick “Horror” Story, or Jason “Dooms” Day, but it should be noted that having a nickname just for the sake of having a nickname is retarded. It needs to be a good one. Not mentioning any names, ahem J-Lau, Magician, Filipino Wrecking Machine, et al.
That being said, a cool nickname isn’t going to help with Maia, who is gonna be tough to deal with at 170.
Buffer’s suave ass kicks some Portuguese.
Round 1: Story opens with a left hook. Maia has a leg, takes Story down. Uh oh. Story getting up, Maia trips him down again. Maia working to side control, Story back up. Maia takes his ass down again, and is mounted. Now he’s going for his back. He’s got it. Jesus this dude can grapple. And there it is, Maia is crushing Story’s face with a choke, gets the tap, and God that looked like it sucked!
Demian Maia wins via first round submission by rear naked choke that was actually a neck crank, but whatever it was, it was damn painful looking.
Next up is Phil Davis vs Wagner Prado
Prado rolls up dancing his ass off. A member of his team was smacking him to fire him up, but they were weak. If you’re gonna do that you gotta go all Jason Guida, who slaps the ever loving shit out of his brother, Clay.
Davis rolls up looking like an action figure…with pink ass shorts…young as hell too.
This one is a do-over from August when Davis poked Prado in the eye so bad he couldn’t continue.
Round 1: Prado is mugging, man this dude is a lunatic. Feeling each other out. Prado misses a high kick. Davis tries tying Prado up, he wiggles out. Left high kick by Prado, blocked. Davis ducks a punch and gets a takedown. Prado trying to cage walk up, Davis dragging him back down. Prado keeps grabbing the fence. Prado is back up, but Davis slams him down hard. He’s delivering a little ground and pound here. Prado back up, and back down. Davis lands a huge bomb, then one right to the back of the head. Now he’s just pounding Prado. Damn, every time Prado gets up, Davis takes him down. Prado ends the round on the ground looking demoralized. Davis 10-9.
Round 2: Front kick by Davis. Prado with a straight left. Davis high kick misses by a mile. Flying knee by Davis, uses it to tie Prado up, and yep, takes his ass down again. Landing some nice body shots. Prado up, but Davis has him pressed up against the cage. Davis delivers a few Charlie horse shots, and they separate. Left kick by Prado, blocked. Davis shoots again, and he’s got him. Even Davis’ telegraphed shots are working. Davis with some elbows. He goes for mount, ends up in half guard. Davis with an arm triangle. Prado shows he can grapple at least a little and escapes. Wait, spoke too soon. Davis then secures an anaconda choke and gets the tap! Nice.
That was about as dominating a grappling clinic as we’ve seen in the UFC.
Phil Davis wins via anaconda choke in the second round.
Next up is Jon Fitch vs Erick Silva, and this shit would get ugly.
You gotta to feel for Jon Fitch, man. Eternally branded a boring fighter, Fitch gets very little love. He used to at least get some respect as the #2 welterweight in the world, but now people mostly just want him to go away. And what does the UFC do to him after getting dick-nailed by Johny Hendricks? They feed him to Erick Silva.
Silva (no relation to Anderson – Silva is Brazil’s Patel) is just a different breed. He’s an animal. They found this guy in a cave, practicing jiu jitsu with wild animals. Everyone is swinging from the Rory McDonald nutbag. And he a’ight. But I’m swinging from Erick Silva’s bulbous jungle vine. This guy is the future champion. After this fight, getting ‘Fitch’d’ is going to be a household term, one carrying the same loathsome connotation as getting ‘Munson’d.’
Ugh, nasty cauliflower ear on Silva, looks like a pork dumpling from Chan’s Wok.
Fitch has his game face on. Rollin’ out to some country western shit, the fans don’t seem impressed.
Round 1: Fitch opens with a leg kick. Silva lands a knee to the body, Fitch takes him down, going for Silva’s back. Fitch has a hook in, riding Silva’s back. Fitch delivering some nice shots to the side of Silva’s head. Still riding Silva’s back. Fitch going for a standing arm triangle. Silva escapes. Front kick lands to Fitch’s face. Huge shot by Silva to the grill. Fitch chases Silva down, they’re tied up against the cage. Fitch lands a nice elbow off the break. Silva with a couple knees, Fitch going for a takedown, lands it. Silva gets up, Fitch on his back again. Fitch ends the round on Silva’s back landing shots. Fitch 10-9.
Round 2: Silva misses a huge left. Fitch with an uppercut. Silva with a sweep, nice. Now he’s on Fitch’s back. He’s going for a crucifix, but Fitch reverses. Silva on Fitch’s back now, throwing huge shots. Fitch escapes. ilva delivers a knee. Fitch with a punch followed by a knee. He’s got Silva clinched against the cage. Going for a takedown, Silva lands a nasty elbow. Fitch misses a throw, Silva takes him down, takes his back. Silva working for a rear naked. Fitch defending very well. That looked like it was in the bag. Fitch reverses and is in Silva’s guard delivering some nasty. Fitch takes his back now. Great round! Fitch with an armbar, Silva manages to survive. WOW! Fitch 10-9.
Round 3: Fitch is fired up, son. Even throws a side kick. Fitch ties him up. Silva looks absolutely exhausted. Fitch is pounding his head. Going for another choke. Now he’s just hammering him again. Silva gets free, and drops for a guillotine, but he’s just too tired. Fitch is out, and now dropping elbows. He’s beating the shit out of Silva here. Fitch going for a choke, but doesn’t have the position. Fitch is pounding away now. Silva is flattened out and Fitch is issuing an ass whoopin’. Now he’s mounted, and the ref is warning Silva to fight back. Fitch is dropping more elbows, and punches, and just all sorts of hurt. Silva survives to the bell, but that was a dominant win.
Perhaps I jumped the gun on Erick Silva. Jesus he got his ass handed to him. Hats off to Fitch man, never seen him fight like that before.
Jon Fitch earns the unanimous decision, 30-27, 29-28, 29-28.
That was the best Jon Fitch I ever saw. If Fitch fought with only half that intensity he’d never have been known as a human blanket.
Next we have Glover Teixeira vs Fabio Maldonado
Glover is carrying some serious rep with him. He’s 18-2 with 16 of those wins coming via some form of violent stoppage. It’s actually difficult for the UFC to find him opponents. The thought is that he doesn’t yet have enough name value to lose to. For Maldonado, on a two fight losing skid, such analytical decision making was not an option.
Damn, Fabio rolls out to the Rocky theme. Do they even know what that is in Brazil?
Round 1: Glover opens with a big left, knocks Fabio down with a shot, delivering some big shots, now has him mounted, pounding away. This is a bad place to find yourself to start off. Glover with some elbows. Fabio tries to hip escape, Glover answers with some humungous shots. HUGE elbows by Glover. Glover going for an arm triangle, mercifully. Glover abandons that and just goes back to fucking him up from mount. Jesus, that rep is well earned. Glover even takes a break to scratch his nose. Fabio gets up, and he is a mess. Glover is just hammering away, but damn he just got rocked by Fabio! Glover takes him down to end it, and that is a 10-8 for him. If Fabio hadn’t rocked Glover at the end, it’d be a 10-2.
Round 2: Glover with an immediate takedown, and God I don’t know if i can watch another round of this horror. Fabio gets up. He throws a couple hooks, blocked, but lands a couple jabs. Fabio with a body shot. Glover lands another takedown. And he’s in full mount. This dude throws some downright vicious elbows. Fabio his escapes to half guard. Glover looks like he may have gassed himself out delivering that beating in the first round. He isn’t throwing much. Just as I say that he lands a few hammer fists. Now some elbows. The ref stands them up. They call in the doc to look at Fabio who is busted up. They resume. Glover clips a right, then a left. And another. And another. Fabio is shaky. 10-9 Glover.
The doctor just ended the fight. Fabio is upset, but that was merciful. Glover is NO JOKE.
Glover Teixeira gets the TKO by doctor stoppage at the end of round two.
The crowd applauds Fabio Maldonado’s heart. Well deserved. He took a vicious beating.
Glover says Fabio is not a human for the beating he took.
Co-main event is next, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira vs Dave Herman
How can ya not love Big Nog. At the weigh-ins he was like the mayor, holding court, shaking hands, just kinda giving off an aura that said, “You will all God damn wait till I’m good ‘n ready to get on that scale.” It was heart-breaking to see Frank Mir tear his arm apart like that. Nog’s been taken apart and put back together so many times we should just start calling him FrankenNog.
Herman is tough customer, but his reputation far exceeds his accomplishments against top competition thus far. He does, however, have the most symmetrical lower pectoral I’ve ever seen.
Herman walks out to some carefree beach music sporting a towel on his head.
The arena goes dark for Big Nog, who rolls out to a Led Zep remix.
Round 1: Herman with a shin to the body. Nog ties him up and Herman flips him onto his back. Herman dropping shots, and Nog is back up. Nog charges forward and catches him with a right. Herman with a brutal body kick. They’re tied up against the cage. Nog with a few short shots to the head and body. Herman with a knee off the break. Nog lands a big left, Herman responds with a body kick. Leg kick by Nog. Nog ties him up and delivers an uppercut. He’s got Herman against the cage. Herman misses a straight left, Nog answers with a right. Body kick by Herman, and again, and those look like they kinda suck. Nog going for a takedown, and Herman uses the whizzer to avoid. Nog lands a shot to the chops. Herman tries a head kick, blocked. 10-9 Nog.
Round 2: Arianny must smell like heaven. Here we go. Nog charges forward and knocks Herman on his ass. He’s in side control, and let’s see if that jiu jitsu shit actually works. He’s going for an americana, and it looks foul. Herman is free, but Nog is in full mount pounding away. Herman gives up his back, not good. Nog going for an armbar. He lost the position. And they’re up. Herman’s game plan seems to be just standing there with his arm extended and throwing a kick every few minutes. And look at that, Herman hip tosses Nog. Nog was looking for a sweep, Herman lets him up. Nog lands a right to the grill. And another. Nog lands a trip takedown, mounts way too easily. He’s attacking an arm again. He got it. Guess that jiu jitsu shit works after all.
Big Nog gets the submission (armbar) in the second round.
And here we go, the main event is up, Anderson Silva vs Stephan Bonnar
The bad news for Bonnar is that he’s about to get badly fucked up. The good news is that he needn’t even concern himself with winning. He’ll win simply by getting fucked up less than Silva’s previous opponents, especially at 205. It’s kind of like the concept of ‘You aint got to be the fastest, just faster than the slowest.’ All he needs to do is show up and he’s already ahead of Forrest Griffin, and to surpass James Irvin shouldn’t be a stretch for him either.
He’s going head up with the greatest fighting machine the sport has even known. If it weren’t for his bizarre Bieber fetish we wouldn’t even consider Anderson Silva human, but a genetically engineered killer crafted by Skynet. But anyone who can get down to some boy band shit must have human emotion, shame obviously not being one of them though.
Bonnar comes out to some new age nonsense. All I wanna know is why not Iron Maiden? This is the most non-fighting music ever. On a positive note though, I’m quite impressed by Bonnar’s physique transformation over the past couple years. He used to be a little flabby, and very pasty. Now he’s jacked and tanned. Guess it paid off, you seen his wife?
Silva walks out reppin’ the BK, looking focused, rocking the winner’s walk.
Round 1: Bonnar takes center cage, attacking, going for a takedown. Bonnar with a few knees, and some short punches. Silva with a knee to the head, just skims. Bonnar working hard for the takedown. They’re clinched against the cage. Bonnar with an elbow, drops levels, and eats a knee to the sternum for it. Silva with the head clinch, let’s go. Silva and Bonnar trading shots, Silva starting his weird routine. Bonnar on a single leg, Silva free. Bonnar whacks Silva in the face, Silva eats it like it aint no thang. He’s actually letting Bonnar punch him. Silva takes Bonnar down, then knees him, punches him, and just descends on him. Bonnar hit the ground and covered up. And the shit is over. That didn’t take long.
It was a brutal knee to the body that really hurt Bonnar, then he followed up with some shots to the side of the head. So much for a bigger opponent whose never been stopped. Silva is just operating on a different plane.
Anderson Silva scores the first round TKO.
Unreal, man. We all knew this wasn’t a competitive fight, but damn he made that look easy. Silva actually fucks dudes up at 205 worse than at 185. Maybe my ex-girlfriend was right, size doesn’t always matter. Anyways, that’s it for me ya’ll. Thanks for chillin’. Peace out.